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  #451  
Old Nov 22, 2020, 12:05 PM
KBMK KBMK is offline
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You're doing loads @HaveHope . I think everyone that posts here has a lot of sympathy for your situation. You do have to stick to your guns, and trust your gut. I hope you are prioritising your current safety. It sounds like you are doing that, and thinking ahead, which is super hard to do in an abusive relationship.
I wish you had somewhere safe to stay away from your husband, and could sort out your separation in safety.
I know you don't feel at risk of physical injury, which is good. I do worry that you could be downplaying the risk of staying, but you are the best person to judge
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  #452  
Old Nov 22, 2020, 12:22 PM
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Originally Posted by KBMK View Post
You're doing loads @HaveHope . I think everyone that posts here has a lot of sympathy for your situation. You do have to stick to your guns, and trust your gut. I hope you are prioritising your current safety. It sounds like you are doing that, and thinking ahead, which is super hard to do in an abusive relationship.
I wish you had somewhere safe to stay away from your husband, and could sort out your separation in safety.
I know you don't feel at risk of physical injury, which is good. I do worry that you could be downplaying the risk of staying, but you are the best person to judge
Thanks @KBMK.

This is all SUPER hard. And I am working hard at being strong, remaining level headed, trying to get all my ducks in a row, taking care of myself and my mental health, all while trying to find a job. I feel like I am carrying the world on my shoulders.

I am mindful of safety, but I just don't feel like I am in any real danger. That being said, I had stated before that his prior yelling and raging at me has created an atmosphere of fear and intimidation. So yes, I am intimidated by his rages, which makes me shy away from some confrontations, understandably.

And trust me, if there was another solution in front of me right now, I'd grab it. I mentioned that I have a friend looking for housing for me, where I could get by living on just unemployment + the bank loan. So I am putting feelers out to see if that's possible.

On top of this, it's the holiday season. I need to get through the holidays without conflict and upheaval. Nothing's easy.

I am really trying my best, and that's all I can do.
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"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
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  #453  
Old Nov 22, 2020, 02:02 PM
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I’m going to have faith in a higher power. I’ve always been saved miraculously from disasters so I have faith that a higher power is helping me, supporting me and who will provide for me. I pray every day now.
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"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

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  #454  
Old Nov 22, 2020, 02:12 PM
KBMK KBMK is offline
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
I’m going to have faith in a higher power. I’ve always been saved miraculously from disasters so I have faith that a higher power is helping me, supporting me and who will provide for me. I pray every day now.
Me too. Thank goodness for saving grace. I put my hands on my heart and remind myself to never abandon my love for God.
I know it isn't everyone's belief, and wouldn't argue anyone on their personal beliefs, but I do believe that all we need is love for God
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  #455  
Old Nov 22, 2020, 02:31 PM
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Originally Posted by KBMK View Post
Me too. Thank goodness for saving grace. I put my hands on my heart and remind myself to never abandon my love for God.
I know it isn't everyone's belief, and wouldn't argue anyone on their personal beliefs, but I do believe that all we need is love for God
My feelings are bittersweet because I’ve had such a hard life. But I know God just wants me stronger and to learn lessons so I can grow. I know He wants me happy too. I just know God will help me through this and will make sure I land on my feet again.
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  #456  
Old Nov 22, 2020, 04:37 PM
Toughcooki Toughcooki is offline
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I wouldn't underestimate people's willingness to help. You are clearly a hard worker, and have had success from your work, and you're dealing with difficult circumstances. There are people that will be sympathetic to "difficult circumstances" (you wouldn't even necessarily have to go into details), and will put some faith in you making it work. It's really OK to ask anyone for help.
Agree - and the shelters will also help you find a place OTHER than a shelter. I know this bc I've been in this situation. I couldn't go to a shelter bc I had pets. They were helping me find a temp place where I could get back on my feet when my disability came in. People will help. I know you're doing a lot to help yourself, just realize that people are more willing to help and more able to help in more ways than you can even imagine, if you open up to it. I'm super closed to help from others myself, so I understand that it's hard!! Maybe you're just wanting to do things in your own time - just know that people out there will help if you ask and let yourself be helped.
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  #457  
Old Nov 22, 2020, 04:40 PM
Toughcooki Toughcooki is offline
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
I’ve always been saved miraculously from disasters so I have faith that a higher power is helping me, supporting me and who will provide for me. I pray every day now.
That's fabulous, prayer helps so much, I think.
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  #458  
Old Nov 22, 2020, 06:37 PM
Isharasli97 Isharasli97 is offline
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Do thing that make you happy..but remember ..history will repeat itself ..
  #459  
Old Nov 22, 2020, 11:07 PM
guy1111 guy1111 is offline
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
What do you propose I do? I can’t do anything until I have a job.

I did tell him I want my own lawyer and I didn’t follow his orders when he wanted me to use his lawyer. I want my own and made that clear.

I backed down from a divorce right now because I don’t have a leg to stand on. He refuses to move out. Then he wasn’t going to pay my health insurance. I’m stuck until I can get a job.

And I am getting help but due to Covid that help is slow to materialize. I’ve connected with a local abuse center to get an advocate. I’ve contacted low income legal organizations. No word back from either.

I’m very frustrated that I can’t do anything until I have a job. In the meantime, I’m just trying to cope.
Honestly, I went in to the self-help rooms at the courthouse and did it all myself. It was very tough and I had to bring my kids sone days. I don't know how it works now with covid. Again, not trying to be harsh, but the way you speak about divorce is in the sense that he is in charge of it, or that it is a negotiation between the two of you. Just telling him you WANT your own lawyer is assuming he has any control over what you do. Maybe look at it as YOUR divorce from him. Own it. If you really want out, make it your choice without him. I know that's hard. I struggled with feeling bad about my ex, especially her being a woman and a mom, it was hard. I had to remind myself what damage she was doing to me and the kids (without getting into detail). I know it's hard!
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  #460  
Old Nov 23, 2020, 01:04 AM
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Originally Posted by guy1111 View Post
Honestly, I went in to the self-help rooms at the courthouse and did it all myself. It was very tough and I had to bring my kids sone days. I don't know how it works now with covid. Again, not trying to be harsh, but the way you speak about divorce is in the sense that he is in charge of it, or that it is a negotiation between the two of you. Just telling him you WANT your own lawyer is assuming he has any control over what you do. Maybe look at it as YOUR divorce from him. Own it. If you really want out, make it your choice without him. I know that's hard. I struggled with feeling bad about my ex, especially her being a woman and a mom, it was hard. I had to remind myself what damage she was doing to me and the kids (without getting into detail). I know it's hard!
@guy1111,

I’m sure you don’t mean to be, but you’re coming across as overly critical of me.

My plan is to get my own lawyer, file for divorce and then inform my husband.

When I faced him with divorce one week ago, I did not have a lawyer, and I did not file. My husband, being the abusive controlling a-hole he is, told me to use his lawyer and demanded I create a list of all my apt belongings. I refused. He refused to continue paying my health insurance. To make a long story short, I backed down because I don’t have a lawyer or my ducks in a row.

I’m doing this the way that works best for me right now, but I will get my own lawyer when it’s time.
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  #461  
Old Nov 23, 2020, 07:07 AM
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For the first time ever, this week during his "love bombing" stage, my husband tells me he loves the color of my hair. Now this has been a point of contention for over a year - my hair color. You may/may not recall that he had told me at one point that he prefers women with DARK hair and DARK eyes. My eyes are dark, but my hair is light brown at best and is far from "dark" in my opinion. I used to be blonde and then it changed to dirty blonde/light brown. Well, I have felt insecure about my looks ever since he made that comment (a lot less so now, but still... ).

So now he is totally buttering me up by saying he loves my hair color. Geez. It's so transparent what he's trying to do right now.
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  #462  
Old Nov 23, 2020, 07:15 AM
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divine1966 divine1966 is offline
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Of all things he was supposed to improving in as a human being and a husband that’s the one he chooses to improve upon: complimenting hair color more. So superficial and surface level. He thinks all it takes for a woman to fall head over heels for a man. Compliment about color that could change any time. You’ll be grey one day. Or dye it red. Or shave it off. He’ll still be no use

I am sure he thinks you’ll never divorce him because you can be kept in line with basic compliments, cuddling and occasional flowers. He doesn’t Think too high of women
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Have Hope
  #463  
Old Nov 23, 2020, 07:15 AM
KBMK KBMK is offline
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Aw, it's so creepy! Sorry to say that, but it just reminds me...I remember realising all these contradictions and just realising there was no truth, just game...urghhh. At least you can feel reassured that the criticism is just game, and doesn't reflect on you AT ALL! I hate veiled criticism like that. Then if you react to it, you're "overreacting", I bet. Creep
Thanks for this!
Have Hope
  #464  
Old Nov 23, 2020, 07:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by guy1111 View Post
Honestly, I went in to the self-help rooms at the courthouse and did it all myself. It was very tough and I had to bring my kids sone days. I don't know how it works now with covid. Again, not trying to be harsh, but the way you speak about divorce is in the sense that he is in charge of it, or that it is a negotiation between the two of you. Just telling him you WANT your own lawyer is assuming he has any control over what you do. Maybe look at it as YOUR divorce from him. Own it. If you really want out, make it your choice without him. I know that's hard. I struggled with feeling bad about my ex, especially her being a woman and a mom, it was hard. I had to remind myself what damage she was doing to me and the kids (without getting into detail). I know it's hard!
@guy1111, sorry... I am very much on edge, and I read your post as being critical.

I know you mean to be supportive, and you have been all along.

To be clear, I am definitely getting my own lawyer and I will be the one filing for divorce, not him. I will not work through his lawyer, and I will not allow my husband to bully me into working with his lawyer.

And that's what my husband tried to do when I mentioned divorce a week ago. He called HIS lawyer immediately, then he tried bully me into creating this so-called list for his lawyer. I wasn't having any of that, and told him so... I told him, I am NOT using YOUR lawyer - I am getting my own.

I just want to be clear. And you need to know that my husband IS a mean bully. He is very controlling and loves to dictate and take control of everything. It's very hard for me to deal with when he gets that way. He was insistent that I create that list immediately and the very next day. F that. I wasn't going to let him bully me into doing something I did not feel was in my best interests. I knew in that moment that I need my own lawyer, and that in no way. was I even prepared to actually start the process of divorce.
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"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
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  #465  
Old Nov 23, 2020, 07:25 AM
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divine1966 divine1966 is offline
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He lied. No lawyer would tell him to make any lists when no one even filed for divorce. And he knows people can’t just drop spouses from their health plans especially if you don’t work. He does it purpose, to scare you
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Have Hope
  #466  
Old Nov 23, 2020, 07:26 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Of all things he was supposed to improving in as a human being and a husband that’s the one he chooses to improve upon: complimenting hair color more. So superficial and surface level. He thinks all it takes for a woman to fall head over heels for a man. Compliment about color that could change any time. You’ll be grey one day. Or dye it red. Or shave it off. He’ll still be no use

I am sure he thinks you’ll never divorce him because you can be kept in line with basic compliments, cuddling and occasional flowers. He doesn’t Think too high of women
I know, right???? It's totally superficial. And odd because he's never complimented my hair color in all of this time. Why now? He's buttering me up.

He really doesn't get it at all. He is simply buying me things I want or like, he is buying me flowers, and he is being mr overly lovey dovey right now, but it's all sooo meaningless to me.

All that echoes in my head are the cruel words he has lashed out at me throughout our marriage, his abusive rages, the insults, his extreme defensiveness, and his controlling ways.

I am waiting for the veil to drop and for him to insult me again. I know it's coming. It's only a matter of time. He cannot keep this up for too long.
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"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes

Last edited by Have Hope; Nov 23, 2020 at 07:42 AM.
  #467  
Old Nov 23, 2020, 07:27 AM
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Originally Posted by KBMK View Post
Aw, it's so creepy! Sorry to say that, but it just reminds me...I remember realising all these contradictions and just realising there was no truth, just game...urghhh. At least you can feel reassured that the criticism is just game, and doesn't reflect on you AT ALL! I hate veiled criticism like that. Then if you react to it, you're "overreacting", I bet. Creep
YEP. It's ALL game.

Luckily, I am becoming more and more emotionally closed off to him within myself. It's like I am just observing him now, without a ton of emotional investment.
__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
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  #468  
Old Nov 23, 2020, 07:29 AM
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
He lied. No lawyer would tell him to make any lists when no one even filed for divorce. And he knows people can’t just drop spouses from their health plans especially if you don’t work. He does it purpose, to scare you
I think so too. At the time that this happened last week, I asked him for his lawyer's name and number so that I could speak with him directly about this so-called "list" he requested. I didn't fully believe my husband was telling the truth. And yes, I think he wanted to scare me.
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"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

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  #469  
Old Nov 23, 2020, 07:40 AM
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I also love how my husband interprets my actions as being "angry" when I'm not even angry. It's like he's trying to paint a very different picture of me than of what is actually happening... setting it up so that I am the angry one in the relationship, not him.

For example, yesterday I had been on my computer but we were both sitting in front of the TV and he was flipping through the TV channels. As usual, he stopped on some military show that he would enjoy, but knows that I don't enjoy. Yet, he started to watch it anyways. I looked up from my computer and simply commented on it. He snapped at me saying "why are you getting so angry?" in an emphatic and rather angry manner. I had to tell him, I am NOT angry. I am simply commenting that you're watching something that you know I wouldn't like, and we're both sitting here, so why not choose a show you know I would enjoy too?

This is often how our TV watching dynamic works. It's always about him and what he wants without any consideration for me, even if I am sitting there. He always responds with "well, you're on your computer!"

He just doesn't get it. There's no consideration.
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"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
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  #470  
Old Nov 23, 2020, 08:20 AM
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OMG!!!!!!!!!

I just totally busted him.

I went into his iPhone watch text messages and found flirtatious texts between he and his female coworker Jamie. He texted her while WE were at CVS yesterday together, saying thinking of you.. then later on in the evening he told her good night, and she wrote "sweet dreams" and he wrote "probably will have u in mine".

I took a screenshot and sent it to him just now by text. And I wrote that I am divorcing him ASAP, that he is SO busted, to not even try and explain and that we are DONE.
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"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

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  #471  
Old Nov 23, 2020, 08:29 AM
KBMK KBMK is offline
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Oh wow! That's a lot to take in. Are you OK!?
Just a thought...could you get the locks changed whilst he's out!?
  #472  
Old Nov 23, 2020, 08:30 AM
KBMK KBMK is offline
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Maybe not the best idea...but please take care!
Thanks for this!
Have Hope
  #473  
Old Nov 23, 2020, 09:16 AM
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Oh wow! That's a lot to take in. Are you OK!?
Just a thought...could you get the locks changed whilst he's out!?
NO. I am not Ok whatsoever. He just came home to talk to me and I went ballistic on him. This time, I was the one yelling and screaming at him.

I cannot change the locks. He is on the lease, so he has a right to be in this apartment, too. I cannot kick him out.
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"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

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  #474  
Old Nov 23, 2020, 09:44 AM
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At least my mistrust of him was accurate. I was dead on right with my instincts that he could do something like this.
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"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
  #475  
Old Nov 23, 2020, 10:28 AM
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Have Hope Have Hope is online now
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He is trying to claim it's not what I think - BS!!!!!!!! What am I, stupid?????? He's been lusting after her all this time. AND lied to me repeatedly all this time. Claiming he would NEVER do such a thing to me.
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"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

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