I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

Thank you, @guy1111.

It does hurt, and it is very real. He's not hurting me emotionally right now though. But that's only because he's on his best behavior. He won't be able to keep it up for too long.

Again, I know this is old news, but this is ridiculous. In my opinion, if I am accused of something and I know I am innocent I don't cry (as a man) that you are questioning my integrity. He should be able to withstand any accusations with evidence of innocence. If my wife accused me of cheating, I would hand her my phone, show her my accounts, etc. and ease her mind. When someone gets angry when you ask them to show you they are faithful, it just makes me think you are guilty. And I don't just mean cheating. Flirting, intriguing on other women, etc., all crap in my book.

Hmmmm. I don't think that matters. One requested phone call. Fine. But continued texts afterwards? Crap. Especially since he knows this bothers you. I know it's not a big deal for others, but not everyone is triggered by the same things.

He is disrespecting you left and right.

I wouldn't worry about others' horror stories. I wouldn't assume anything he might be doing behind your back with an ex or anyone else. You have enough REAL issues with this guy. I think you might be like me, in that, he does something bad, you assume it implies something worse, then downplay your own emotions by doubting your gut that he is hurting you. Who cares what he MIGHT be doing. He IS hurting you straight out. He could be a mass murderer behind your back. Who cares? How does he treat you in between his "love bombs"?

You deserve to be treated consistently well every day. Period.

To be fair, I have made a frequent issue of the topic. He gets very frustrated with that after a while. Not to excuse his response to it, but a lot of it is frustration on his part with me. I have questioned him A LOT.

Yes, he knows it would bug me, but he does it anyways. I am being disrespected.

Thank you. I DO deserve that for certain.

I don't downplay my own emotions about these things though. I acknowledge them within myself and I try to contain my own jealousy and insecurity, but it does come out often enough.

But yes, he is hurting me.

I agree it is abuse. Even on a small scale, if a man tells a white lie and you get upset and he tries to butter you up, it's only to try and cover for himself. If I screw up and my wife gets upset, I apologize, ask if there's anything I can do to help, then give her the space she needs to get over it. If I want to give her flowers, it's just to say I love you. Plain and simple.

He does eventually apologize, after getting worked up and upset. Then he tries to make it up to me with flowers and whatnot, but it's too late since he's already raged at me.

Exactly, it's too late. I agree with your facebook group only in the sense that abuse is abuse. It's your level of tolerance. If it's bad enough for you then it's bad enough! You can justify his behavior the same way we justify our own behavior. We can say, well, I'm only eating 6 cookies, not like so and so over there eating the whole package. Only at the end of the day, no one is telling you that your cookies are hurting their feelings and causing them nightmares and anxiety.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I think you are allowing him to influence you too much. His lawyer is trying to influence you. He's trying to tell you how and when the dovorce goes down. He's getting you to worry about his living conditions after the divorce, etc. He's not just pushing you down physically, but mentally and emotionally, too.

I hear you depressed and full of anxiety here on these forums and it makes me upset because I have been abused my whole life and I know how it feels. My ex was horrible in different ways but I did the same thing. I justified it because it wasn't as bad as what other people described. I know my picker is still a little off but I would never go back to my ex. Not in a million years. I care about myself too much now. Get free, get help. You are strong! You can do this!

What do you propose I do? I can’t do anything until I have a job.

I did tell him I want my own lawyer and I didn’t follow his orders when he wanted me to use his lawyer. I want my own and made that clear.

I backed down from a divorce right now because I don’t have a leg to stand on. He refuses to move out. Then he wasn’t going to pay my health insurance. I’m stuck until I can get a job.

And I am getting help but due to Covid that help is slow to materialize. I’ve connected with a local abuse center to get an advocate. I’ve contacted low income legal organizations. No word back from either.

I’m very frustrated that I can’t do anything until I have a job. In the meantime, I’m just trying to cope.

"Love bombing" It is totally a stage of abuse. It can fit with a pattern of intermittent reinforcement, too. We all have moods, and sometimes put more effort in than other times, but it's not like that, at all.
The thing is, you should always be able to negotiate with a partner. If someone is happier to be more subordinate, and the other more dominant, then that gets worked out, but you can't force that on someone. If someone gets coerced into a too-dominant role, by whatever means, that's going to cause big problems. Same if someone gets coerced into a too-submissive role. Huge problem. I would not get involved, in any capacity, with someone that I wasn't able to negotiate with.
It's not just too late, I don't think @Guy111 . I think it's a good thing you want to be single now @HaveHope. It sounds like you have some good friends. It's really hard to figure out what is important in relationships, when you've been really burdened by other people's problems

I think guy meant it’s too late for a husband to apologize and go all kind of other “nice” things after he disrespected and hurt your feelings repeatedly.. Apologizing is all good of its occasional mishap. But if it’s constant disrespect, apology is cheap and it’s “too late” . And his niceness and apologies after repeatedly hurting you is form of abuse

Oh I see. Yes, it’s too late. I’m not buying the niceties. Or any of grand gestures of love.

It’s far too late for apologies and I’m out the door.

It really sucks to be in this position.

The reason they say this is because abusive situations can go from emotional/mental/gaslighting type abuse to physical type abuse rather quickly when your abuser realizes you're actually going to leave. I literally bankrupted myself (credit just now recovering 10+ years later) to escape my 2nd hb with everything I could cram in my car. Best thing I ever did. They're telling you this because they think you should value your health and safety over your belongings. That your life is more than everything you own - can't take it with you, after all. These women want you safe. That's all. I have been on both sides of this, lol! I had a very dear friend in a relationship very much like yours. She dithered around for literally years, while I had to put my hands over my eyes, and just let her know whenever it was appropriate that I'd be there if she felt like she could leave. It's agonizing, like watching a slow-motion train wreck. He actually did assault her eventually, but her parents lived close-to, and her dad sorted him out, and helped her get out, etc. She had some rocky times, but is now happily married again to a really nice guy, so #HappyEnding, lol.

Look at it like this. If you had a friend who was in an abusive relationship, would you tell her to stay, because you don't want her to lose all her stuff? or would you tell her to make herself safe no matter what the cost, because SHE is what is important, and stuff can be replaced?

Just something to think about, from someone else who has been in oodles and scads of ugly abusive relationships.

I understand. However, I am 50 years old and starting over from scratch with zero furniture to me is my worst nightmare. I won't go into finances, but I'd rather keep my belongings, if at all possible.

I am not in danger now so there is no point in going to a shelter. I understand safety, but he hasn't laid a hand on me in that way. I understand as well that it could change when I do leave. I will deal with it then. And if he did, I would call the police.

Just so you know - there are pro-bono lawyers who help with divorce (free) for abused women... And pro-bono lawyers who will give advice, etc.
Whose name is the lease in? How are you paying the lease now? If it's in your name, talk to the landlord about breaking the lease. Let them know your situation & ask for help. They may be willing to xfer your lease to a different apartment so you can move your stuff over, and he'll be left with the empty apartment and the opportunity to sign a new lease or leave. Your lawyer will petition the court to force him to continue to pay your health insurance if he's using that as a club over your head. If you have no income you can get medicaid from the state if you apply. Same for food stamps, etc.

When you say you've contacted people, I feel like you've done the same thing I've done a million times... filled in a contact form on a website, or sent an email.
You've got to be your own advocate in this situation, get on the phone and call until you get someone on the phone who can help you. I, personally, hate doing this, and generally put it off until the very last gasp when I'm truly desperate. But that's how you get things done. I'm not trying to be pushy & won't give a ton of advice, lol - but just letting you know that you DO have a leg to stand on, and don't believe him or his lawyer whatever they tell you. Document EVERYTHING & keep a file somewhere safe away from your apartment. Every threat, every promise, everything his lawyer tells you, everything he tells you. be safe, and I hope it all works out in the best possible way.

OK

Thanks, and I am doing all of that.

Like I mentioned before, I have contacted an abuse center who will help me. I will get an abuse advocate, who can help connect me to free legal services for abused women. I am doing whatever I can right now to help myself.

Both our names are on the lease. I'm not moving until I have a job. No landlord will take me without an income other than unemployment benefits, and I cannot afford any apartment rent on just unemployment benefits. I am stuck until then.

I am also documenting all incidents in a journal he cannot find.

I wouldn't underestimate people's willingness to help. You are clearly a hard worker, and have had success from your work, and you're dealing with difficult circumstances. There are people that will be sympathetic to "difficult circumstances" (you wouldn't even necessarily have to go into details), and will put some faith in you making it work. It's really OK to ask anyone for help.

Holding you down and not allowing you to move IS “laying hands on you” it’s not leaving marks but many physical forms of abuse don’t leave marks. In addition holding you down when you need to empty you bladder is a physical abuse because it controls your physical bodily function. It’s absolute a form of physical abuse. You don’t need to have a black eye for it to be physical abuse.

And the very fact that you endured it for so long not even fighting back or putting immediate stop to it the very FIRST time indicates some element of fear you feel. Otherwise you’d not ever tolerate it the very first time he attempted such a thing. Being afraid to fight back or otherwise putting immediate stop to it is how he continues abusing you, including physically. He even did it when you told him you want a divorce!

You might not be in physical danger but it’s because you aren’t fighting back. I am not saying you need to fight back. It’s too dangerous. But I think that’s maybe why they tell you to go to a shelter. It’s not dangerous for you as long as you don’t fight back

I did ask my closest male friend to look into possible housing for me. He is very well connected. I took out a bank loan already, but I may return it in full provided I can reapply in a few months.

And yes, people are always willing to help in times of trouble.

What I more so meant is he’s never tried to hit me and I’ve never been physically hurt by him.

Holding me down in bed doesn’t hurt me, and whenever I’ve said I need to use the bathroom he’s released me immediately. But yes, it’s still abuse.

Him yelling and going into fits of rages repeatedly at me for a year and a half has created an atmosphere of fear and intimidation.

Just because you aren’t feeling hurt when he holds you down it doesn’t mean he isn’t physically abusing you. You said he held you down even after you said you need to go to the bathroom. But bathroom issue doesn’t even matter. Physical abuse isn’t defined by amount of physical pain and hurt you feel. Don’t downplay it.

What if he hits you but you are wearing a thick coat and aren’t feeling pain? Is it not abuse anymore? He holds you down. And he got mad before because you tried to get up. It’s physical abuse

I never denied or downplayed that it’s physical abuse.

Why are you hammering on me about this??

I know full well I’m being abused.

What do you propose I do? I’m sick of it all and I can’t fight him on every single thing. I’m exhausted.