I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

Hell have no fury like a woman scorned.

It is on YOUR terms. File for divorce now. Why can’t you file? Filing will get ball rolling. You might need a bank loan to pay a lawyer. Longer you aren’t filing, longer you’ll be living in turmoil.

If I listened to my parents I’d never have anything I wanted. What do they know. I don’t presume to know what my daughter needs or wants. You aren’t a minor. Unless they are willing to help financially, it’s not their business

I am a mess. I cannot even get out of bed. Literally, I can't function and I cannot think straight. I am acting out of desperation, panic and emotion. My parents are a good grounding force.

We have to live together for probably several more months. Why file ASAP? I did talk to a lawyer today who suggested mediation. Now he is going to go along with divorce. I cannot afford a lawyer, I don't want to use the bank loan at all, so mediation may be the way to go. The lawyer told me I don't need a lawyer to get out of the car lease.

I have locked myself in my room all day. I will stay here all night. He's coming home soon. First night while being separated in the home. I don't want to even see his sorry as-s face. I don't want to talk to him or look at him. I will remain in my room literally all night. I told him not to come near me and to stay away from my room.

Thanks, @Bill3. Hugs help!

Well, that was a tough first night being separated. He stayed downstairs, and I locked myself in my room upstairs.

He woke me up at 3 AM, coming into my room to turn off the air conditioner because apparently it was too cold. Then he turned on the heat, telling me he's cold and can't sleep. I said, so "you're making sure I can't sleep too?" I got mad that he was even in my room. The door was mainly closed, he was sleeping on the couch downstairs, and I doubt the cold made it's way all the way downstairs.

Then this morning he burst into tears, telling me he doesn't want this, that he doesn't want to live without me, and that he knows what it looks like (ie, his flirtatious texting with his co-worker).

I did not say one word, and he walked out the door sobbing.

I now am physically shaking. But I don't feel sorry for him. He did this to himself. He's to blame, for all of it. I think I am shaking from my anger towards him.

I know you feel stuck right now, but you can take a first step in speaking to an attorney (first consultation is usually free); you can get information that you need and can feel a little relief knowing where you stand. I know, living in limbo is a terrible place to be; but knowledge is power.

He also informed me last night that he can move in with a family male friend 40 minutes away within one week.

That leaves me with the full month's rent, which I cannot afford unless I break into this bank loan I now have by about $1200 per month.

I told him to call the landlord and to see what his liability is for the apartment lease. He told me I can get a roommate.

I'm thinking the sooner one of us can move out the better, for both of our sakes. Living together is already messy and a nightmare.

I may HAVE to suck it up and use this bank loan for a few months. I don't want a roommate to move in right away. I want some alone time... maybe I could advertise and get one by January 1, but how realistic is it that I could even find a roommate to move in during COVID??

My head is spinning.

It's complicated because I cannot afford 2K right now to retain a lawyer. I need a pro bono lawyer. I am waiting to get connected with an advocate from the abuse center nearby, but nothing is happening yet. An advocate could potentially connect me to free legal services.

I did speak with one lawyer yesterday. She said I don't even need a lawyer to get out of this car lease I am on for him. I asked about mediation, because a girlfriend told me she and her husband used a mediator for a total of $100.

I mentioned mediation to him last night, and he insists upon having his own lawyer present. I suggested that we do mediation without lawyers. He didn't answer. IF he has a lawyer present, then I need one too. I don't know what he has up his sleeve, but I feel like he is strategizing on something secretly and he's not informing me.

I am not moving quickly on getting a lawyer until I get set up with my abuse advocate.

I've contacted two pro bono possibilities, with no response.

Of course he is crying. He probably figured that he can’t just move in with the next woman he meets and he can’t support himself without you. He can’t go to concerts or lease new cars or live in nice apartments, of course he is crying. And the woman he is flirting with probably is afraid to lose her job now when this came out and she likely will cut him off so he won’t be moving in with her. His tears mean nothing

He claims that he and this woman are not longer texting. CLAIMS being the operative word. But, since they got into trouble at work for their little affair, they probably have to back down from it.

I am glad I got them into trouble. I am glad he received an official warning. He deserves it. Both of them do.

And yes, he is now without all those nice amenities in his life.

Use a loan to retain a lawyer. Take cash advance on your credit card. Charge. Borrow money. It’s no fault divorce with no kids or property and no pricey possessions. It will be quick and not expensive

Speak to the landlord re financial difficulty due to job lose. Many landlords in my state allowed late rent with no free and give people time to get on their feet, wouldn’t hurt to speak to a landlord that you are unemployed and need some type of help plus your husband moving out.

Why was he buying all these expensive things like Tiffany necklaces and all these concerts and hotels if money is so tight that there are no 2k saved for emergencies. He is so irresponsible. You are now left with nothing. He likely owes you money. Maybe he should pay your lawyer!

Sell the necklace. It’s likely at least 1k. Tiffany is just so crazy expensive

Of course they aren’t texting. She freaked out. She maybe didn’t even realize he is NOT in the process of divorce. He might start texting someone else. I’d not trust him

He is almost certainly secretly strategizing! I think he's made it super clear he has hidden agendas. You seem to have your head around what you need to do, and it's got to be frustrating waiting on the abuse advocate to put you in touch with a lawyer. Take your time, stay safe. He is obviously going against all your wishes, so just bear in mind that it is NOT worth asking for his cooperation on ANYTHING. He will tell you one thing, and do another. Stick to your plan, and only tell him what you want him to hear. Information is definitely power, and you do not need to keep him informed of your business anymore. When he asks you about moving in with a friend etc. do NOT take this at face value.
I would bet that he is still testing your loyalty, and your boundaries. I know it's a rubbish thing to do, but he has had you in confusion for years, and if you have to put him in confusion for a few months while you get out of this, I would see that as a lesser evil.
Don't feel the need to give him straight answers. If you can get on with your business, and keep that to yourself, you will be in the stronger position when it comes to practically separating

I removed all his jewelry from my body and put it all away for safe keeping and away from where he can see it or find it. I will sell my engagement and wedding rings, the 1K diamond garnet ring he bought me, and the Tiffany necklace.

He's reckless and irresponsible with money - but we know that. He bought some jewelry on credit.

Yes, I can inform my landlord of what is happening as well.

I really don't want to hire a 2K retainer lawyer if I don't have to. This lawyer yesterday told me mediation would work for us because of no real assets and no kids. That could cost only $100. I don't see the point in my going into deeper debt if I don't have to.

I'm not rushing the divorce process. I need to be comfortable with what I am doing.

Yep - she probably did freak out. I don't trust him one bit. I'm sure he'll move right onto the next victim and quickly.

Thanks @KBMK.

I know he has hidden agendas. Why else pressure me two weeks ago to only use HIS lawyer, demanding a list of apartment items from me? I don't trust him whatsoever.

And I agree. He has done enough manipulating. I am taking things into my own hands now, and I will do what I think is best and right FOR ME.

I will not tell him any details of my personal life, and I have not since we've separated. He is no longer privy to any information from me.

Credit? He has credit?

You said he has no credit due to bankruptcy and that’s why you had to buy things yourself all the time. How could he buy jewelry on credit if he supposedly didn’t have it? Something is fishy. He has credit but lied to you he doesn’t so he can use you as a wallet?

Mediation is fine. But he has to agree to it

Let's talk about the emotional side of things right now.

Last night, I went to bed feeling super sad. But NOT for losing HIM. I felt sad because I am losing something I've wanted my whole life, and that was to truly find my life partner. I am grieving the loss of a dream, the shattering of my lifelong held hopes for a loving life partner to marry and be with "til death do us part".

When he and I first met, I really thought God had answered my prayer for someone whom I could marry. Man, was I wrong. Sure, I could marry him, and did, but I never should have.

I rue the day I met him. I regret marrying him. I wish I had had the strength to pull out earlier on, before I made a financial investment in our honeymoon. I wish I had pulled out before the wedding, when I felt serious doubts.

But, it's water under bridge. I did it, and I made a mistake. I didn't listen to my gut, once again. I wanted a marriage so badly, that I didn't listen and ploughed ahead foolishly.

C'est la vie. Now I most likely will be single for the remainder of my life. After learning of him cheating on me, and after this being the 4th or so time I've been cheated on, I don't think I could ever trust another man again. I see myself as being far too emotionally damaged from ALL the abusers, the cheaters and the liars I've had in my life. There's been FAR too. many.

And this makes me feel SO SADDENED. Grief stricken, really. I would need YEARS more of healing and individual therapy before I could even consider dating again.

I am damaged. And that fact just HURTS SOOOOOOOO freaking much. I am sobbing right now in tears.

And this is why I need some time alone, before a roommate comes in. My grieving I can tell is going to be powerful and fierce.

I am sorry. It‘s painful. And sad. But you’ll pull through. You’ll rise. Hugs.

He was able to obtain low balance credit cards with very high interest rates - the max amount is only like $300 on each card he has. But yes, he is able to establish credit for himself while bankrupt.

But yes, he relied on me to cover him frequently for expenses that were far higher than $300. He always has paid me back - the ONE good thing he has done.

Yes, he has to agree. He needs to calm down first before he can reason with me.