I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

I guess what I meant is more so that you knew what was going on and maybe knowing he was being a two face while lying in bed with you could make you (or any decent person) very angry and hurt. I know I would be. And I’m not a jealous person but it would make me so, so...almost full of rage. I’m glad you don’t feel guilt. I know you’ve shared about how much sh-*t you’ve gone through in your life and I was only saying that to let you know that you shouldn’t if it even crossed your mind.

I know, trust me. I've been in that situation.
Yes, he could get angry. But if the car is in YOUR name, it's YOUR car. The police will take it from him, and give it to you and you can either give it back to the dealer or keep it and make payments. Police and courts have seen many vengeful spouses, and they're there to keep people from breaking the law or hurting others.
He WILL be angry. But you can't make life decisions based on someone else's potential anger or you are just their slave. Pot talking to kettle, here. LOL. It's something I struggle with a lot. Take a moment to thank God that you have no children with this man, that's all I can say.

One thing I do is this - sit and think of all the WORST things he could possibly do and then figure out how you could handle them, and counteract them... then - you have nothing to fear, and you can say, "DO your worst, I'm ready for it" ...

Getting yourself out of a toxic relationship is reallllly hard. Kudos for taking the necessary steps to keep yourself safe and sane.

Thank you @sarahsweets. Yes, the two faced nature of his betrayal has sent me into a wild rage that I've rarely felt before.

I am beyond angry. It's an outrage. But yeah, luckily I do not feel any guilt.

Thank you.

I cannot financially afford to take over his car payments. I have a car lease too, that runs through next August. If I took the car from him, I would be paying for two cars and I cannot do that. I don't even have a job. That won't work, unfortunately.

I would only get a restraining order IF he initiates another abusive incident.

A dealership will take a car back vs never getting payments for it again. You don't have to take over payments for both cars, can simply return it to the dealer& let them know what's up. Happened to me in 1st marriage. I lost some money on it, but not my credit.

Overall, I'm noticing that it feels like I'm trying to persuade you to take this action or that action to protect yourself, which makes me uncomfortable, and probably you as well, so I'll bow out at this point. I wish you all the best in this and all future situations!

I'm just very overwhelmed. There's so many complications... I don't have a job, I have no income, I need a lawyer, I want to move out, but probably cannot.. I am in an abusive relationship, but it's ending.. he cheated on me and I'm enraged... and then there's the car lease. It's too much. I cannot take it.

It's also not abusive to express your emotions! Shouting about your husband's behaviours and how angry they've made you is pretty OK, and I think most people would agree and understand.
He has broken your vows many times over, and if he has to pay for that and for his abusive behaviour, that is only right!
I know you don't want him angry and vengeful @HaveHope . But it sounds like he is seperating himself from you now. I would get right on that restraining order, and get those locks changed if I were you.
The more time he has to spend sorting himself out, the less time he has to spend making others lives difficult.

Thank you for the validation and support.

I'm not getting a restraining order right now though. I cannot make any decisions while still under great duress. I have to calm down and clear my head before I make any decisions on anything.

He was in bed with you while texting other women seeing them in his dreams??? That tells you that all this cuddling he was doing is cheap and isn’t indication of anything.

I don’t blame you for raging. I don’t even know what I would do.

Can your parents help you or your sister? If you are in distress you might need help with filing for divorce and looking for places and even looking for jobs.

YES. I went overboard with my rage, I will admit. I am not proud of it.

I'm talking to my mother right now who is trying to talk sense into me about how to proceed from here.

They cannot help me financially but they can help maybe in terms of filing for divorce.

Wishing you all the luck with this! It's bound to be distressing. Good to take all the help you can get, and focus on the big picture. It's never going to be perfect, but once you are out of this and putting it behind you things will feel better. Good that your mum can try and make sense of it. Good to have someone who isn't so emotionally attached outlining the practicalities

Thank you, It does help to talk it through with my mom when I am so overwhelmed and overwrought by everything. And yes, once this nightmare is over I know I will feel a LOT better.

I think I've exhausted my rage. I am worn out. I have been up since 430 AM, full of anxiety and panic. He is angry at me for contacting his mother about all this last night, which I did. I know I should not have done that, and I was acting purely on anger and my strong emotions. I wish I wasn't SO reactive. I am very reactive and act without thinking sometimes. I just sent him a text saying I am willing to be civil tonight when he comes home, provided we give each other plenty of space. I also said I will not be contacting his mother again, but I did not apologize for doing so. I refuse to be apologetic, when he's the A-hole here.

You really have nothing to apologize for and don't owe him a thing even civility. Just owe it to yourself to do right by yourself. It's natural to be inhibited when you have had all that criticism.
It's something I'm starting to get a handle on. Always feel ashamed for being uninhibited. Would always have needed a drink to really open up too. I don't think you've anything to be ashamed of!

The only reason I’d try not to act too crazy is so it can’t be used against you. Other than that you have zero to apologize for and anyone would go bananas if they were in your boat. So I’d not give him an inch.

He is angry at you...well boohoo. He is the one angry? How is he in power seat again?

Thank you, both.

Yeah... I can't be yelling at him anymore. That has to stop. I think I am utterly exhausted from yelling as well.

I won't apologize to him for anything I've done. Even if it was a bit crazy. I refuse to apologize to him when he's the one in the wrong.

I was assuming he's angry at me for contacting his mother.

I spoke too soon. The anger keeps coming out towards him. Granted, it's only the second day after I found out about this.

Oh well. You told his mother, so what. You didn’t lie to his mother. There is a saying: don’t do anything you don’t want your mother to know. If he doesn’t want people to contact his mother with bad things, he shouldn’t do bad things. It’s on him.

Thank you.

It helps to hear this perspective!

And here's the BIGGEST issue: I am all alone, I have been relying on HIS company all these months during COVID, I haven't seen any of my friends on my own, AND I am stuck here with him every weekend all weekend long? With nowhere else to go, no one else to see and no one else to hang out with? It's COVID... not many people are visiting each other's homes now. How the heck am I going to survive living with him?

Oh, and now he's telling me life isn't worth living anymore.

I have a hole in my gut. My whole world just blew apart in one single instant. My plans to divorce him on my terms were blown to bits and pieces. This is not on my terms.... I didn't want this. Now I am deeply HURT, I am feeling the pain of his betrayal and lies, and all I feel is a huge emptiness in my gut and in my heart.

This is hell on earth. This is a living hell. Plain and simple.

My parents talked me out of using the bank loan to live on and to move out of here. I am stuck living here with him with no solution except sheer misery and hell.