I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

I think the grief is coming on. I know it will happen in waves, coupled with relief, peace and happiness that he is finally out of my life.

I have wanted to leave him since we returned from the honeymoon nearly two years ago. This has been a long time coming.

This is what he wrote to me last:

I’m devastated destroyed sick over it forever I cry every hour in the bathroom at work, I cry when I’m having a cigarette. I weep when I’m alone without you and I can’t eat much and haven’t slept. My work has suffered and you hate me. When I say I dont want to be alive any more I mean it.

Well, good. I am glad he is suffering. Yes, I have a vindictive side. He deserves this misery right now, and I hope he sorely regrets losing me.

Telling you that he doesn’t want to live is a manipulation. Don’t fall for it. I’d not believe the word he says. If you were that important he’d not dream to act like he did.

I know... exactly. It is a manipulation. I think he got scared when I said divorce a couple weeks ago, and he was lining up the next.

Yup. Unless he was buttering her up prior to you even threatening divorce. Who knows

Plus he said he wanted to work on marriage. It doesn’t include talking to other women. It would include him trying to be a good husband etc

He claims that he could sense me being different towards him. He also claims that I was looking at him with looks of disdain recently. I think he felt rejected by me, so he sought another woman's attention.

Woke up at 5 AM again, and slept crappy all night.

I didn't say this yet. but when I discovered the infidelity and when reading their texts, I was physically shaking. My PTSD got triggered. This means it was traumatic for me.

Last night I was trying to rationalize it all in my mind, thinking well, I was going to leave him anyways, he is a narcissist and this is what narcissists often do, the deceit fits with his M.O., etc etc. to help myself feel better and not so hurt.

It did not work. I am hurt. I am more angry than hurt, but I read somewhere that anger is just a mask for hurt. Either way, I mainly feel the anger than the hurt.

He spent the night at a friend's so we won't cross paths until later this eve. He claims he's spending Thanksgiving alone, but when I was going to divorce him a couple weeks ago, apparently she had invited him over for Thanksgiving dinner. I will have no idea if he's following through on that.

The last time I felt anything close to this level of upset was with my ex fiance when I discovered HIM cheating on me and lying to me.

What a track record I have.

I called a psychic last night too who told me I WILL find love again after I've healed - with a respectful, honorable and decent man. She picked up on a lot of accurate details about myself. Oh who knows. It felt good in the moment hearing that and gave me some hope. Even if it's not true, it helps to feel hopeful right now.

I also last night was trying to give myself some positive self talk.

Like, well, I WILL be happier once he is out of my life, and I WILL feel more at peace. I was trying to think of all the positives: no more fighting, no more questioning and no more doubting. I can do all the things I've been wanting to do but have held back from doing... skiing, hiking, kayaking, roller blading. I can do all these things on my own. He was holding me back, and I was holding myself back from enjoying all the activities I enjoy. And that this is really a blessing in disguise. I've wanted to end it for two years, and now it's finally happening, although certainly not in the way I had planned or imagined. I also want to work on myself and on my healing from all the abuse I've endured from various relationships. I want healing and positive mental health. I want happiness and inner peace.

So, on the flip side, there are many positives to this situation finally coming to a close.

Thinking of all the positives helps to keep me sane through a total nightmare.

I truly hope that I will be eligible for free legal services. The abuse advocate told me that it will depend on whether the law considers unemployment benefits as income. I should know by the end of next week if I am eligible.

And THANK GOODNESS I was FINALLY connected to an advocate!!!!!

Oh, and apparently his mother had a serious panic attack after reading my last text. I had confronted the abuse in my text to her, and told her everything... the yelling, berating, control, meanness and insults.... that the police had gotten involved because I was scared of him.. that I am speaking with people from the local abuse center... and that I will get a restraining order on him, if necessary.

YES, I did that. I hope she recovers. I feel slightly guilty.

I cannot stop myself from sending him angry text messages. I cannot help it. The anger keeps coming on and coming on, and I want him to feel just as horrible as I do. I want him to SUFFER, and suffer deeply. I know that isn't the high road. But I cannot take the high road. I am outraged. I cannot control my anger right now.

It could be an explanation (not an excuse) of why he looked for a different woman (you were obviously distant towards him) but honestly if every time there is an issue he’d go look for other women then he can never be trusted.

At the very least before starting dating people should be in the process of divorce or separated or at least if he acknowledged that you two are divorcing. He went on claiming he wants to work on marriage but in reality he went on looking on hooking up with a next woman. That’s not the right curse of action.

And please don’t text other women when in bed with your wife. Have some decency

I’d not be seeing psychics under the circumstances. Don’t they charge? You don’t have a job. You’d need every penny, they will take your last money, they don’t even know you

Are you on reddit. I am sure they have divorce subreddit.

There is a thanksgiving chat on PC at 8pm

His ego will be so wounded when you walk away! That's what he has brought on himself, by MASSIVELY undervaluing your commitment to your relationship and marriage with him. You've given him every chance to do the right thing, and he just hasn't, has he!
He's only going to play the victim, though. It's ridiculous that you are getting guilt tripped for panicking his mum...did he tell you that?
I would be asking your forgiveness if I'd raised an abusive son. Why is this your responsibility?
Sorry you are getting this rubbish treatment!
Great about the abuse advocate. I hope they really help. This is of course traumatising!
Do you think some time with your friend will help? Make sure to make time for yourself during this. I know easier said than done, but it won't get done in one go

While your anger is perfectly understandable please be careful with the angry text messages, as this could open you up to an accusation of harassment (particularly in combination with the messages to his relatives and the angry phone call to the coworker he was texting).

This is a good point. It’s better to say it verbatim than put in writing

I agree to a point, but it does depend on the content. Just saying what has been done, and how it's upset you really isn't harassment!
If he has the cheek to call it lies that could be problematic of course

Thank you all! It really helps to receive your support!!!!

I don't think he can claim harassment with my texts.

And NOW, he's trying to turn the tables on me now and is blaming me for my reactions to his infidelity. He's trying to turn it all around on me to make ME the bad guy for reacting with anger and upset.. Ie, you've upset my mother, she's sedated and she's elderly. Ie, you tried to get me fired by calling her at work.

More abuse! I can't take it anymore.

He's triggering me so much right now. He's putting me on the defensive now, when HE's the one who had the affair.

It’s rich! You reacted with anger. How were you supposed to react? Atta boy???

Affair is with a coworker so yes you called work. It’s not like you called work about him not doing laundry

Don’t speak to him. Put headphones on. Can you leave? Malls are open. Go walk there or sit on a bench. Restaurants are closed for dining in here due to covid but if they aren’t closed in your state go to a diner for breakfast, take a book with you.

I know, right?? Exactly! HOW am I supposed to react? Just lie down and take it?

He's being abusive is what he is being. He's trying to make me into the bad guy. It's all deflection off of him and his affair.

I did leave. I am at my parents' home for the day. Thank goodness I can be away from him all day.

Turns out due to covid, I cannot travel out of state tomorrow night. So I am stuck at home with him again. UGH!

Tomorrow everything is open, looks like restaurants aren’t close in your area so go sit in a coffee shop or a diner and do work search and apply for jobs. Take your laptop. No need to be home at all. Then go to the mall walking, get yourself moving around and I bet you can sit in the mall on a bench and do more work search. Time better spent. When at home put headphones, buy noise cancelling if you don’t have it and go sit in a second bedroom looking for jobs and watch funny tv shows, if you don’t have a tablet watch on a laptop or a phone. Don’t interact with him

Also gyms are open in your area. If you don’t have a membership ask for a day pass or maybe even free trial. My gym does free days as advertisement

He'll be working tomorrow thankfully, so I can have the apartment to myself for the day. I just have to deal with the weekend, so yes, I will get myself out on Sat and Sun for a good amount of time. I can go to the mall or sit in a coffee shop - great ideas.

I just told him to never speak with me again unless it's about necessary and important apartment details. I am done talking to him.

It's enraging though. He's falsely accusing me of trying to get him fired, when I didn't, so I defended myself. Then he said my message to his new lover was "vile" and that I intentionally tried to hurt him. Not true. Then he accused me of being threatening to his mother. Not true either. I simply informed her of his abuse and told her I would get a restraining order on him if necessary.

“Vile”. No kidding. Sure it was vile. What did he think it’s going to be? Warm and fuzzy?

Don’t respond to him.

I know. He's playing the victim.

I am trying HARD to cut off all communication now.

Let him write. It will come handy. Just don’t respond.

As about work situation, if you don’t want to be fired you don’t do inappropriate stuff with coworkers! It’s not your fault he did all that! You didn’t cause it, his actions did. He is unhappy he got busted and she likely called it off.