I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

YEP. All true!!!!!

I know it's hard to cut coms when all you want (I'm imagining here) is for him to SEE what he's done!
Urghhhh.
I suggest bearing in mind that you still hold power in your approval. If you can withhold your approval, without completing taking it back, you might even just get a little cooperation from him!
I would also suggest no coms, or also v basic coms like "OK" or "fair enough" in response.
I know it seems like childish games, and it is really, but if he thinks he might get away with some shred of dignity intact, he might be more determined to save that shred of dignity, than to make you PAY BADLY for showing him up.
I wish I wasn't so tuned in to this way of thinking. It gives me the creeps, but really sometimes is best to play their sad little game and come out the winner.
Creeps like him will only ever play their game by their rules, there's no getting away from that.
I really suggest you keep him in confusion.
The other options are being his supply, or being his problem/enemy. He will either be focused on maintaining a facade, taking all he can get, or taking you down.
I suggest you let him work on that facade until you are far away from him!

I wish I could act in that way, but it goes against my own emotional reactions and I say what's exactly on my mind. I am letting him have it, I am standing up for myself, and I am not taking his bs accusations and deflections.

This is how it is for now. Maybe that will change in a week's time when I can calm down from all of this. But he is being abusive all over again right now, so I cannot just lie down and take it passively or say "ok". I am fighting back.

I guess that is just feeding his supply, even if it's negative attention, it's still attention. So I am sure his ego is being fed by my upset. And I am sure he feels some amount of control still because I am reacting with anger and upset. So he probably feels he can control my emotions and toy with me that way.

It's a very disturbing and sick dynamic.

This is what I last wrote to him by text just now:

Two last points and then I am done: STOP PLAYING THE VICTIM. I did NOT threaten your mother. I simply told her the truth. YOUR actions at work got you into trouble, not me. YOU had an affair and did something morally WRONG AND against the policies. I did NOT try to intentionally hurt you at work. SO GO F YOURSELF and have a wonderful rest of your day.

👍🏻Good one

I hope so. He hasn’t replied.

You got the last word in so now if he writes back do not reply no matter what he writes. Not a word.

I normally dislike games but you got to use some strategies with him

Agreed. And I did get the last word in. I will try hard not to reply if he does respond. I know it’s best if I do not.

I think I’m traumatized by what’s happening. Totally traumatized.

Well it is traumatizing especially if moving out or divorcing is cumbersome due to unemployment

Perfect last words "SO GO F YOURSELF and have a wonderful rest of your day." Perfect!

Have to listen to your body at times like these. It's really traumatising. If you've got to cry, run, dance, curl up in a ball, take a shower etc. whatever it is, best to go with it as much as poss, and let that shock start to leave your body.

What a crazy week! I hope you can see it as progress, and recognise how well you're doing to be getting through it

Thanks so much for the support and validation! Maybe I gave him a good punch since he hasn’t replied. Lol.

This is all consuming for me right now. I’m trying to distract myself with a movie but it’s not working. It is traumatizing. I can feel it in my body in the way I’m breathing and operating. Ugh.

At least I am not physically in the same apt space right now with him. I’m afraid I’d want to kick and punch him.

What’s enraging is he is downplaying, minimizing and denying the affair even though he confessed things started up with her after I had called the police. And that was over ONE MONTH ago! That occurred on Oct 15th, so he's been courting HER since then? We were supposedly working on our relationship after that incident, and it was most certainly WAS an affair! And then to have him counter attack me with several bogus and false accusations to take the heat off him and to deflect responsibility off of himself???? It’s incredibly enraging!!!! My blood is boiling over. I want to kick him! I’m afraid I may too, when I see him next. His ex wife hit him and now I can see why she did!!

My friend sent me this today...

Mads Mikkelsen officially replaces Johnny Depp as Gellert Grindelwald in the Fantastic Beasts films

said
"I'm glad they've sacked Johnny. I think we should bring back the stocks. A bit of proper public humiliation would do him good I reckon. They he could go back to playing bad guys, and just get paid a pittance and spat on every once in a while 🙂🙏 ahhhhh one day 😌"

Abusers do not get their comeuppance, but I do think it's true that the best revenge is a life well lived. It's a shame his ex is still feeding his ego. He is drain on society and any luck he'll keep getting found out and shown up.
Keep rising above, and that'll cause him way more pain than a kick that would only feed his victim status. He won't change for any amount of punishment that he can play to his advantage.
Try leaving him with the realisation that you were too good for him. That could even sting him into thinking twice next time, with any luck.

I like this approach! I am refraining from sending any more angry messages and haven't since that last one sent three hours ago.

I will tell him I am too good for him. I will directly tell him this at some point.

He could probably reject that pretty easily. Would likely have more trouble hearing that you're doing really well (without him)

Wow October 15th. That’s a long time, so it wasn’t just one evening he sent a stupid text. Wow. Shameful. Well who knows if his wife hit him or maybe she did if he maybe cheated on her too. Who knows

Yes... probably true.

Exactly. Most shameful -- we're talking about over one month ago! I think he did cheat on his ex. I bet he did, and I bet she hit him because of that. Or else he enraged her as much as he has enraged me.

I am totally obsessing right now over my last texts to him. I don't get this aspect of myself, but it's always been ESSENTIAL to me, like almost a part of my soul and spirit's survival to fight back against abuse and to stand up for myself, and to retain my dignity and my self respect. I will NOT take crap from anyone and I will NOT allow myself to be a doormat. I have far too much self respect to allow myself to be abused. So I fight back and hard. I put up my dukes and I approach them with full guns blazing. That's me.

So now I am obsessing over my last texts to him because he hasn't replied to any of them, so I am wondering if I stood up for myself well enough. I really hope so. It's very important to me.

I can really sympathize. No response from him is how you know you've stood up, because he doesn't know how to play you right now!

Thank you for your sympathy.

And thanks SO much for the validation and affirmation. This helps me tremendously. I need to feel like I got the upper hand and that I effectively told him to F off.

As long as he leaves you alone, you have got the upper hand. It's sad, but that's probably the most respect he can offer you (leaving you out of his stupid games, cause he doesn't play fair, only plays to win, and he can't beat you any more).

If he does get in touch, try telling him "thanks for letting me know " that'll put the fear in him!

Oh yes, he plays dirty and he plays to win, just like a true narcissist!

Ok and good. I'm glad you think this means I have the upper hand and that he now thinks he cannot play me. That's exactly where I want things to be.

I will not be texting him again, even to let him know when I will be home, as he asked me to do. He does not deserve my courtesy.

You don’t need to tell him when you coming home at all. Why? Why is it he needs to know?

You have an upper hand. He hoped you’ll break and take him back because of his accusations that it’s all your fault. Nope. Not happening. So he is a loser.