I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

And in every conversation we've had, or argument rather, he always manages to turn everything around, making ME into the bad guy, putting me on the defensive with additional accusations. Yet another abuse tactic. It really pisses me off to no end. Now it's a case of I never loved him. Oh, and because I didn't ask how the cats are doing, I'm the a-hole. "It speaks volumes" he wrote. I took care of HIS cats for two weeks while he was living elsewhere, and I took great care of them too. I really hate him.

Of all things to worry about now with you looking for a job and dealing with having to file for divorce, you are expected to ask how his cats are doing? Like that should be the first thing on your mind. Please. He can’t be serious. “It speaks volumes”. He isn’t particularly smart

He's grasping at straws to come up with BS to accuse me of so that I look like the jerk, not him. That's what he's doing. He's projecting.

Plus, as usual, it's all about HIM... nothing to do with me.

His text:

I never got a chance to talk to you I can’t even speak to you in person. Sure I F'ed up, it wasn’t something that could not be fixed and a stronger love come out of it. You have no idea what’s inside my head or how sad and anguished I am without you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking care of the cats. They miss you and lu lu has been crying like a human, I cry with her. Please dont brush over what calling the police while you were inebriated did to me. I have to work now.

My reply:

Please stop using the police as some sort of excuse or reason for cheating and for having an emotional affair. If you were angry at me, you should have been an adult about it. I’ve said a million times now that you did the ONE thing that would hurt me the MOST and the ONE thing that would cause me to leave you. You did not care... so if anyone doesn’t care, it’s YOU. You trashed this marriage. Enough said.

I’d be careful posting his texts verbatim. What if he or someone he knows sees it? It might be better to just give a summary like my ex blames me etc Not the actual texts. For your own safety

He doesn't know this site or my username and we're living apart. He doesn't have any access to my computer. I am not worried about him or anyone else seeing the texts.

Ok! Good! I was just a little paranoid.

Yeah, I get it and thanks for looking out for me!

I am just catching up and cant reply to everything one by one but I wanted to just saw that periods of sadness and mixed emotions is totally valid and IMO expected. You loved him. You took him at face value, including all the lies he told you and were manipulated by his "end game" which could have been keeping the affair, treating you like ***** and getting the bonus of staying married. You removed his power and stole his end game to make your own and he is FURIOUS and LIVID that you did so. Keep your chin up.

Yes... precisely. Thanks, @sarahsweets.

He's begging and pleading again with me, minimizing and denying the extent of his little affair. I am not having it. I anticipate that the pleading will continue. I am putting up a HUGE BLOCK to him.

I'm now afraid of giving into him. I cannot give in... I cannot give him another chance. I just can't!

I am listening to very helpful podcasts about the abuse cycle and about abusers and how they operate. A suggestion was to create a "sobriety list", listing out every single abusive incident, mean comment, or whatever that was negative and toxic about him. SO I did. And my sobriety list is very long!!!!!! I am now re-reading it in order to reinforce the necessity of this divorce for my own mental health, well being and happiness. I refuse to continue to be abused.

Don't let me cave, don't let me listen to his continued lies and pleading, don't let me even consider giving him another chance. This has GOT to be over now.

He isn’t even nice when he is pleading. You didn’t ask about cats. And other stupid things. Blaming you and minimizing everything.

If you take him back he’d be bringing it all up all the time.

And now when he is really insecure about the whole thing, he’d likely be on a much more vigorous search for another woman to replace you. And now he knows he needs to be better at hiding it so you won’t know what he is up to.

More so he might want to play a trick. You’ll take him back and he’ll dump you as soon as he finds a replacement for you. He just doesn’t have anyone yet. If you didn’t call his work about this woman I am sure he’d carry on with her now and wouldn’t be begging you for anything

SOOOOO TRUE!!!!!!!!

THANK YOU. I really needed to hear these few points right now, and I think you're dead on accurate!!!

Today was a really bad day. I took a mental health day off from the job search but HE was on my mind the entire day. He usually is. But today was especially difficult and emotional for me - feeling the trauma bond at work, pulling me emotionally towards him while also being repulsed by him. UGH. This is SO freaking hard. One of the hardest things I've ever gone through.

He keeps saying to me repeatedly that this could have been "fixed". He is SO delusional!!!!!!

HOW? HOW could it possibly be fixed and worked out? He STILL works side by side with his mistress! They sit right next to each other every single day; they work alone together every other Sat!!!! What is he thinking? That I would allow that?????? That him working closely with HER will work for me going forward?????

And this is not the first time he's been dishonest! How in the world does he think he could earn my trust back? Trust is completely GONE and BROKEN. I would NEVER trust him ever again!!!

He truly is deluded in his thinking - it's totally skewed. Doesn't he realize that once trust is broken so many times, that trust is ruined and therefore that means the relationship cannot work?

I think he's desperate simply because he needs someone - anyone - to be in his life carrying him and playing mother for him. And now that he cannot have his coworker because they got into trouble, he is begging me to come back to him.

This is truly pathetic and makes me ill to my stomach.

He only just used me for my good credit. He used me as a crutch for his pathetic existence. He needs a woman who will take care of him in every way including financially, who will cater to him, fawn all over him feeding his meagre ego, AND who will allow him to abuse her. Well, that woman is NOT me. NOT anymore.

I wrote this out to myself just now and it made me burst into tears:

He abused you. You deserve SO much better than that. You deserve true love, kindness, caring and RESPECT. He did not respect you. It's not YOU; it's HIM. It's in his character and DNA. You did not cause this, nor did you deserve his cruelty. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are a beautiful soul.

Podcasts on abuse are really helping me to heal, to label and to overcome.

Here's what I learned about the trauma bond and the cognitive dissonance that occurs:

COGNITIVE DISSONANCE:

A part of you still wants to believe in the good within the abuser, or reminisce on the good times, or wants to hold onto the hope that the abuser can and will change. A part of you still wants a connection with the one who hurt you the most. You go back and forth between a loving fantasy and idealization, to the ugly truth of the abuse. We often go into denial and hold onto the fantasy or what is called "abuse amnesia".

To dissolve the cognitive dissonance:

1. Relentlessly face the truth. Read your sobriety list every time you want to indulge in toxic hope, fantasy and denial.
2. Work to integrate the mantra IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.
3. Label the abuser and the abuse. It's OK to have good judgement.
4. Speak your truth with people who understand and who support you.
GO no contact with those who are offended or who deny your experience. SEEEK out ALLIES… usually ppl who have been through it as well. They're the ones who will believe you and who will celebrate your journey.

It's good that you're facing up to this, and working through your feelings about it. Letter writing is good. I wrote letters (for myself) to my parents, saying what I needed that they couldn't give, and it helped me through the hurt. There were so many broken promises. It might be another way to approach it. It helps to reclaim your needs.

THANK YOU.

I actually had a very therapeutic conversation with my parents recently where I told them of two instances in my life where I felt abandoned by them. It was very cathartic for me to get that out. Of course, they came up with their excuses and justifications for it rather than owning it and apologizing though.

MORE PLEADING THIS MORNING:

This reply finally got him to shut up and to quit it - I think he may finally have given up.

His message:

I wanted to say I know you don’t wish to talk about this but this could be worked out. If I was not of right mind and never had any intention of doing anything and it went no further. I think you were too quick with anger and rage to just delete me from your life. I do love you I do think we could definitely make it work. Without you I have been miserable and I miss you terribly. Thanks for listening

My reply:

I have dealt with abuse from you throughout our marriage. I was going to leave you in July because of your abuse towards me. You acknowledged then that you have been abusive towards me. You begged with me and promised changes, so I gave you a second chance.

However, you have proven to me that you cannot live up to your words and promises.

You lied to me yet again, you deceived me, and had an emotional affair.

You have been dishonest with me many times now. And once again, you were dishonest - not only dishonest, but dishonorable, most hurtful and most harmful.

Your promises of change, honesty, and fidelity are all empty promises. You have lost my trust completely, and it will never be repaired. And you continue to be abusive towards me.

You DO need individual therapy. You have a LOT of issues to face AND resolve.

The bottom line is: I deserve SO much better - and I will eventually find someone who treats me FAR better.

His reply:

we should divorce as soon as possible then, you can get your own health insurance as you stated. You clearly don’t want me in your life in any way shape or form. The only thing in question is the car lease after my things are gone.

Health insurance? He’d need to carry it until divorce final in my understanding. No one even filed yet

He's just mad because he cannot talk his way back into my life. So his response is an angry one, saying he wants me off his health insurance. And that he wants the divorce ASAP. My take is that he's angry.

Wanting divorce is fine. He can file. But he can’t be taking you off insurance.

Sure, but WHY the sudden rush to divorce ASAP? So he can find a new victim to mooch off of immediately?

Probably. But he isn’t even rushing. He is just talking plus he can mooch off women even before divorce. No one filed for anything