[Intromom]

Hi- I am a 44 year old woman married for 25 years. I think I have finally woke up and realized he his a narcissist. Multiple affairs, lying, hiding finances and I still could make up excuses On why I have stayed so long.

My problem now is how do I get out? I am a stay at home mom, I haven’t worked in 2 years, my daughter does online school. Basically, I want minimal disruption for my daughter (she would probably be relieved if dad was out of the picture)... financially I am screwed. He makes 6 figures and I have nothing. Need some solid advice aside from knowing I will need to go back to work.

[Fuzzybear]

He sounds like my father It's great that you are planning to leave him. It shows ''strength'' Oh yes, Narcissists are very skilled at lying and making up excuses (and blaming the innocent party ) I will not rant more about my abusive parents (there is a lot I could say ) I wish you continued strength as you plan the healthy move of leaving this abusive individual.

[EagleTears]

Hello Intromom

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this

My advice is to get some legal help from a divorce attorney. If you're a stay at home wife... you maybe qualified to collect both alimony and child support from your husband. This is a temporary fix to help stabilized your finance... In the mean time start sending out resumes so you can start working again.


Just a FYI... If your husband is truly a narcissist... He may start psychologically abusing your daughter by coaching her to start hating you. This is called parental alienation syndrome. He might very well use this strategy against you after the divorce has been finalized. Just be alert of change of behaviors in your daughter.

[Open Eyes]

I agree with Eagle Tears, a lawyer can help you realize what you can do that you don't realize yet. Narcissists notoriously cultivate powerlessness as they know it works in their effort to gain control. They are always self serving and manipulative.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by EagleTears

Hello Intromom

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this

My advice is to get some legal help from a divorce attorney. If you're a stay at home wife... you maybe qualified to collect both alimony and child support from your husband. This is a temporary fix to help stabilized your finance... In the mean time start sending out resumes so you can start working again.


Just a FYI... If your husband is truly a narcissist... He may start psychologically abusing your daughter by coaching her to start hating you. This is called parental alienation syndrome. He might very well use this strategy against you after the divorce has been finalized. Just be alert of change of behaviors in your daughter.

I agree with this post.

[sarahsweets]

yes a lawyer is needed. you dont want him to alienate you from your daughter.

[Marie123]

I was married to a narcissist for 31 years, and finally found the courage to get a divorce. I suggest seeing an attorney; that way you will know where you stand, and what your rights are. The first visit is usually free. Living in limbo is terrible, and if you get the information you need, at least there is a little relief to have knowledge.

Do NOT let the husband know what you are doing.

[MrMoose]

I was married to a narcissist for 9 years, separated 2017, divorced 2019. The hardest part was not having a partner I could rely on: any and all weaknesses or attempts at honest communication were held against me.

I won’t be the first to say this: divorcing a narcissist is difficult because it does the worst thing possible to a narcissist: takes away their control. It’s difficult, dangerous (you risk a lot of anger—and a couple of torn shirts) and takes a while but it’s worth it for yourself and your kids.

things that helped me:
1. read, post, think, plan—Psych Central is a good resource, also, Power: Surviving and Thriving After Natcissistic Abuse by S. Arabi (I’m sure there are other books—that was just the one I read)
2. do not try and change your partner with what you find—if your partner is really a natcissist whatever you say will be used against you. Never mention the word “narcissist” to your partner. A narcissist hates being exposed and having power taken away, so you have to get stronger quietly and fo this long-term on your own.
3. For safety, log out of Psych Central and erase your history; kerp your password only in your mind.
4. start thinking about who you can rely on—family, friends, anyone—in the long term

Keep the faith (not sure which faith, just any faith!)

[lowselfesteem92]

Originally Posted by Intromom

Hi- I am a 44 year old woman married for 25 years. I think I have finally woke up and realized he his a narcissist. Multiple affairs, lying, hiding finances and I still could make up excuses On why I have stayed so long.

My problem now is how do I get out? I am a stay at home mom, I haven’t worked in 2 years, my daughter does online school. Basically, I want minimal disruption for my daughter (she would probably be relieved if dad was out of the picture)... financially I am screwed. He makes 6 figures and I have nothing. Need some solid advice aside from knowing I will need to go back to work.

Just being out of a job for 2 years is not so bad. Apply to anything that you have the skills for. You can do it. Sometimes we have to go through obstacles to live a happier life. If you keep staying with him, it may become even more toxic for you and your daughter. Both of you do not need that kind of pain in your life. Leave while you still can. I support you.

[Fuzzybear]

I agree, leave this Twat while you can

TWATS - those who are always terribly smug

[Searcherofpeace]

I am sorry you are going through this. I was married to a narcissistic sociopath for 18 years and have two children with him. Leaving him was very very hard, as I knew he would do anything to keep control and ruin me.
1) Get legal advice from a law firm that specializes in divorce. Have all your questions written before you go and take a journal with you to write it down. Leave the journal with family or friends.
2) Start planning now because once he knows you want a divorce, your accounts will be frozen and credit cards cancelled. I lived this. When you buy groceries, add a gift card to the bill so you know you can buy food if your accounts aren’t accessible.
3) once you leave, only communicate via email. It will be your record of all discussions and narcissists hate not having control to speak to you directly. I received horrid messages that saved me when we went to trial.
4) move your personal valuables slowly to friends or family, as you won’t have access once you trigger a divorce.
5) start saying personal affirmations at night and in the morning to build your confidence. He will tear you down. I often wondered if I could endure it and was totally broken.
6) buy everything you need for your children for the next year now. My ex refused to pay for anything for our daughters and I wish I had bought everything beforehand.
7) build your network of support. You will get through it stronger and more resilient than ever, but you need shoulders to lean on.

You will be okay. The eye of the storm is the hardest, but once through, the sun shines and you feel worthy again.

[Fuzzybear]

[Laurielrocks]

This is an area I have been struggling with for many years.... Dated since 1999... Married in 2011... Bought a home together in 2012... Life I thought was fine... Until I just happened to see a person who was texting him at like 2am... Never thought anything of it... I had NO REASON NOT TO TRUST HIM... time went on and I went to change my ATT plan.. and this number was again there alot.. So me being me.. I called it.... Was not prepared for what I was in for..... Since 2005 this person was involved.. I was never mentioned.. Since he worked for the railroad he was home a few days and couple hours away for a day or two.. This call was placed in 2014... Confronted him... he denied any and everything.. I was treated like **** for simply discovering HIS **** up....sad thing I suffered horrible childhood and he was the FIRST person I ever let in..... Thought I could rely on and trust... He actually made the effort to see if she was ok... not me.. I sat and all my past returned with this even piled on top... I know now I was in no way capable emotionally able to handle this.. I was lost... He was never honest about anything. he treated me like I had done something wrong and he has had 0 empathy watching me fall apart. If i ever wanted to talk about anything remotely resembling it.. he got defensive.. was "tired of hearing about it" I even tried therapy with him.. he sat there and lied... made me look and feel like an idiot. I was completely mentally breaking. he sat and watched me and just went on and ignored me....There was no effort to attempt to rebuild lost trust, he just basically said **** you emotionally. Just leaving has not been an easy option.. I have no family. and here you have to separate for a minimum period of time... He makes over $100,000 a year... and has family.. but yet I imagine it would be next to impossible for him to leave.. the only good thing is he is gone 80 percent now.. We dont even have conversations anymore.. He seems to seriosly think that I am just over reacting sometimes....he dosent get it.. how can we ever move past something when he cant even own up .. he has not worked at maaking me feel better about any way of believing I can trust him... There is no love respect support trust .. These are hard truths I have had to face.. I have been finally able to pul myself together to get online to get guidance and try to save whats left of myself.. My PTSD has returned.. all my anxiety triggers.. .. I was just too emotionally screwed to understand that he could be doing what he was doing which was not in my best interest... and he sat and watched me just fall apart.. Its been awful... I dont recognize myself in the mirror anymore....

Never been married but have dated plenty of narcissists.

Stop comparing yourself to your husband via his income. You have a work history, correct? Start sending out your resume (do not tell your husband this) to places; join temp agencies; substitute teach; work as a PCA (personal care attendant, there is an online certification course for that does not cost much).

Then, reach out to womens shelters if you think your husband will get violent with you once you decide to leave him.

You can go to these shelters with your daughter and they will protect you and help you with resources. The room is like a dorm room so its not like you're in slumsville either. Its like a hotel for women and children who are battered or abused (emotionally and physically).

Every city in the U.S. has these shelters. Or, look for a roommate situation with family who live outside of your city but in your same state (if you take your daughter out of state, your husband will sue you for custody no doubt).


In MN there is People Serving People located in downtown Minneapolis (I see you are from MN). You could contact them for assistance. Their facility downtown is great. It has a cafeteria, it has housing assistance, and a daycare and school and computer lab too.

Most of all, consult a divorce attorney who specializes in narcissistic spouses. I actually googled it, and its a real thing. There are attorneys who deal with these types of toxic marriage dynamics.

You can rebuild your life once you divorce your husband. You can get alimony from him for your daughter's schooling and healthcare and expenses.

You can also apply for county assistance as a single mother and get emergency assistance money, food stamps, and help with rent and rent deposits on a place, as well as low incoming housing (there are waiting lists but you have to call your local housing agency to get that info).

St Paul Divorce Attorneys | Family & Divorce Lawyers in Woodbury, Burnsville & Eagan MN

High Conflict Divorce | Chanhassen, MN | Callahan Law, LLC

Find Top Minneapolis, MN Emotional Abuse Lawyers Near You | Attorney Directory

Divorce Resources | Minneapolis MN - M. Sue Wilson

Callahan Law, LLC | Parent Coaching, Divorce, and Mediation

https://www.beckman-steen.com/

https://www.josephmarvinattorney.com...641286%3A55303

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Intromom

Hi- I am a 44 year old woman married for 25 years. I think I have finally woke up and realized he his a narcissist. Multiple affairs, lying, hiding finances and I still could make up excuses On why I have stayed so long.

My problem now is how do I get out? I am a stay at home mom, I haven’t worked in 2 years, my daughter does online school. Basically, I want minimal disruption for my daughter (she would probably be relieved if dad was out of the picture)... financially I am screwed. He makes 6 figures and I have nothing. Need some solid advice aside from knowing I will need to go back to work.

Glad you realized he is a true narcissist. I would take it to court if necessary to get away from him.

[Prycejosh1987]

Friend zone him. Or try couples counselling.