[rukspc]

I have a boyfriend (of 3.5 years). He didn't propose last year because he said I wasn't ready (I kept giving him cold feet, we weren't living together yet either). We're still together. Now, throughout this quarantine period, we have been living together. I've also had a lot of time to reflect. We've also had a lot of tough conversations. I do want to get married and have a family someday. But he won't talk about it until I get some family things resolved.

What is the best age to get married for a woman? I keep reading that it's best if women are between 25-30 because the rate of divorce increases after 32 by 5% I think. What if we break up and I never find anyone who is suitable for me who is at the right age and doesn't already have a family?

I would argue that any adult age would be an "acceptable" age for a "woman to get married."

[divine1966]

There is absolutely no right or wrong age to get married. You marry if and when you are ready and you meet the right person.

I’d say if this man isn’t interested in marriage and after 3.5 years you two still are not sure, it’s likely not going to be happily ever after. When you know, you know. You don’t need that long to know.

You have plenty of time to find the right one

[indigo1015]

I'm 34 and unmarried. Excuse me for living.

[MsLady]

Originally Posted by rukspc

I have a boyfriend (of 3.5 years). He didn't propose last year because he said I wasn't ready (I kept giving him cold feet, we weren't living together yet either). But he won't talk about it until I get some family things resolved.

Curious, what is he wanting to resolve within your family?

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by rukspc

I have a boyfriend (of 3.5 years). He didn't propose last year because he said I wasn't ready (I kept giving him cold feet, we weren't living together yet either). We're still together. Now, throughout this quarantine period, we have been living together. I've also had a lot of time to reflect. We've also had a lot of tough conversations. I do want to get married and have a family someday. But he won't talk about it until I get some family things resolved.

What is the best age to get married for a woman? I keep reading that it's best if women are between 25-30 because the rate of divorce increases after 32 by 5% I think. What if we break up and I never find anyone who is suitable for me who is at the right age and doesn't already have a family?

You cannot plan life in this way - according to statistics and best times. Life happens when it happens, and you get married when you're ready and have met the right person. I did not marry until I was 48, but now I need a divorce, which I did not plan on. I've never heard of the divorce rate increasing after a certain age.

Why not ask instead why are you having cold feet, what are the issues that are holding you back, and what family issues need resolution first?

And marriage is not the end all to be all in life. There's far more than just marriage in life. If you're dragging your heels, maybe there's a good reason for that. Don't feel pressured just because of an age.

[TishaBuv]

I’ll add that whether or not you want to have children is also a factor. You’ll want to give birth when doing that is healthy for you, so there is a time frame in that respect.

Otherwise, people marry and sometimes divorce then embark on something else all the time.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I’ll add that whether or not you want to have children is also a factor. You’ll want to give birth when doing that is healthy for you, so there is a time frame in that respect.

Otherwise, people marry and sometimes divorce then embark on something else all the time.

Biologically speaking there is a time frame when you can have kids. But you can have kids without getting married. And you can adopt. Or some don’t even want kids

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Biologically speaking there is a time frame when you can have kids. But you can have kids without getting married. And you can adopt. Or some don’t even want kids

I see you are up at 4 a m too.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I see you are up at 4 a m too.

I get up for work at 5am (Sometimes 5.30). So not far off. We both went to bed earlier than usual so ended up being up before alarm. Might sleep another half an hour or just get up @TishaBuv

[herbal tea]

I think you need to focus not on getting married faster, but on getting married happily. The marriage will not change anything if you do not have harmony and love in the family.

Why doesn't your boyfriend want to get married? Maybe he's not sure he loves you? Maybe you have different views on life? If he has not proposed in 3 years, then maybe he will never do it? Then you will just lose even more time with him.

I'm sure you will definitely be able to find a partner, you only have 32, not 62)

[rukspc]

Originally Posted by MsLady

Curious, what is he wanting to resolve within your family?

Untie some things financially, such as car ins., create space from family (boundaries).

[rukspc]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Why not ask instead why are you having cold feet, what are the issues that are holding you back, and what family issues need resolution first?

Cold feet because at the time I thought I needed approval from my family, but it was just all in my head..I was just hesitant and kept pushing back. He had it all planned out w/ my family and I ruined it. Now we are working through some growing pains.

[Bill3]

What if we break up and I never find anyone who is suitable for me who is at the right age and doesn't already have a family?

Well consider the following:

The loneliness you feel with another person, the wrong person, is the loneliest of all

(Deb Caletti)

After 3.5 years you probably have some ideas as to whether or not you want to spend your life with him.

What do you think?

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by rukspc

Cold feet because at the time I thought I needed approval from my family, but it was just all in my head..I was just hesitant and kept pushing back. He had it all planned out w/ my family and I ruined it. Now we are working through some growing pains.

I'm curious - what did he have planned out with your family? Was he being more traditional and asking your father and family for their blessing? Or was it something more than that? And if he knew you were dragging your heels, why was he making plans through your family rather than talking about it directly with you?

[RoxanneToto]

I agree - he shouldn’t be arranging decisions that impact your life (I mean, getting married is a big deal to most people!) behind your back like that. If he can’t talk to YOU about the relationship you have together, and big decisions that affect both of you, that’s a bad sign. You’re entitled to a say in your own future!

[Rive.]

There is no best age to get married. What matters is being with someone who is a good match and will make you happy. This is what determines divorce, not age. It is not a race to settle with just anyone by whatever magic number.

After 3.5 years he doesn't seem to even want to settle, that doesn't seem very promising if you want to marry him.

What if we break up and I never find anyone who is suitable for me who is at the right age and doesn't already have a family?

What if you stay with him or marry him and end up being unhappy and/or feeling unloved? Would that be preferable? There is no point rushing or getting married just because the clock is ticking.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Rive.

What if you stay with him or marry him and end up being unhappy and/or feeling unloved? Would that be preferable? There is no point rushing or getting married just because the clock is ticking.

@rukspc,

I'm chiming in here on this one.

I married for all the wrong reasons, and man, do I regret my decision to marry! I married the completely WRONG person. Now I am divorcing him, before our two-year wedding anniversary.

Marrying the wrong person, or marrying for all the wrong reasons will definitely only lead to unhappiness and discontent. Learn from someone who knows.

I have been unhappy in this marriage since the day I married him. I have been wanting to leave him for a very long time. I lost my spirit, I lost my happy go lucky self, and I let myself go.. my health.

It is NOT worth it - trust me.

Make sure that:
1) you truly want to marry THIS man, and that HE is the right one for YOU;
2) that you don't marry him simply because you want a family and the clock is ticking.

Be very thoughtful about this decision. It's one of the most important decisions you will make in life. So be deliberate, be thoughtful and take your time with it. When you get married, you co-mingle your finances, your home, and your entire lives and it becomes far more complicated to undo and leave, if you must leave.

That's the best advice I can give.

[divine1966]

Even when people marry solely for child bearing and raising reasons, they have to be careful. They will have to co parent with this person if they get divorced. Or worse if something happens to you, is this person suitable to raise kids 24/7?

Some people are uncooperative and unreliable and it’s impossible to coparent with them. So I don’t recommend marrying whoever for that reason. Even if marry for just that reason, it’s still important to marry the right person to raise kids with.

[rukspc]

Originally Posted by RoxanneToto

I agree - he shouldn’t be arranging decisions that impact your life (I mean, getting married is a big deal to most people!) behind your back like that. If he can’t talk to YOU about the relationship you have together, and big decisions that affect both of you, that’s a bad sign. You’re entitled to a say in your own future!

I think everyone is misunderstanding me... he asked my family for permission first, the traditional way. Everything was planned
out and they know he was going to ask me. During this time, we
were also planning to move in together. With this, plus a
proposal, I wasn't sure what to choose first: engagement, or
moving in. He didn't go behind my back maliciously. He was planning to SURPRISE ME. Obviously, I chose to move first. Clearly, I wasn't ready to be engaged or to get married.

[divine1966]

I think we are all confused because you first said you want to get married but he refuses to speak about it because he needs to resolve some issues first. But now it turns out that it’s not the case.

So I think we are misunderstanding because we aren’t sure what’s going on.

You are saying he is planning on proposing BUT refuses to talk about marriage. I am very confused. Typically if people propose, they talk about marriage. How is he proposing marriage but refuses to discuss marriage?

[Bill3]

Clearly, I wasn't ready to be engaged or to get married.

I was just hesitant and kept pushing back.

You were not ready.

You are allowed to not be ready.

Maybe you are not ready because somehow, having lived with him, the idea of life with him just doesn't make you feel the way that you want to feel about your husband?

[Rive.]

Clearly, I wasn't ready to be engaged or to get married.

I wouldn't dismiss what you just wrote.

It seems you keep blaming yourself. There is nothing wrong in having doubts. This is (ideally) your whole life we are talking about... So, of course it is important to be sure.

It was striking to me, in your first post, how he has all the cards: HE says you're not ready, HE says you give him cold feet, HE doesn't want to talk about it until you solve YOUR issues. It seems he has a lot of 'power' in this relationship..

How I see it is, IF you have doubts about him then maybe he is not the 'right' one for you.

[divine1966]

It sounds like he refuses to propose and has different excuses every time. First he says YOU weren’t ready. Then he said he has to fix something first. Then he doesn’t want you to talk about it. Excuse after excuse.

I think after 3.5 years it might be time to move on

[Prycejosh1987]

There is no best age to get married, for some it will be later for others it will be earlier. I think it depends on status and finances and if both people are willing to spend their lives together, and holy matrimony, till death do them part, for richer or poorer, etc.