Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

Yeah, I suppose it's possible he's trying to push my buttons OR he's trying to bait me so that I tell him how awful I feel. Maybe misery wants company. He tells me frequently how miserable he is and how he just wants to "come home" to me.

At the same time, he'll say things like "have a good day", which he knows upsets me because I've told him it upsets me. So that is far more clear that he is deliberately trying to upset and trigger me.

I could - but I am so business-like in so many other texts, that would be going too far in terms of politeness. I am being as short and as business-like as possible without any niceties included. The only time I was nice recently is when he thought he had COVID.

I didn’t mean it that you must do it in polite manner. I didn’t express myself well. Tell him you are doing ok. “Thanks for asking” is more in line with “bless your heart” lol you can just say “I am ok”. Or say nothing

If you keep telling him you are doing ok, he’ll stop asking. He isn’t going to like it. He likes that you not ok so he keeps asking so it opens further communication about how you both not ok

This - what I bolded. That's exactly what I think is happening.

I just won't respond at all the next time he asks.

Few months ago I met a girl who acted like your husband. Of course the situation was totally different since we weren't even dating but my attitude was the same as yours. I was uncomfortable with her attention (yeah, I know what you're thinking but what that girl was doing was literally shy of stalking). What worked for me was "tactical politeness".

Basically if she asked me "what are you up today?", I'd say something like "I'm very busy, how about you?". She says what she does and instead of engaging, I'd just make a comment "Sounds great!". She got bored and let it go. In your case it may play out in a different but as effective way. I think if you act as if you're fine and you don't engage, you may see the light at the end of tunnel. Narc cannot accept the situation when you're okay and he's not. Also ignoring hurts the NPD's ego the most, especially when there is no anger behind it. She ignores me and she's polite (doesn't care)? OMG, I'M LOSING! Kill him with kindness

Thank you, @MisterPaul, this is very helpful!

Although I cannot ignore him, though I soooo wish I could just go full on no contact.

Right now, I am trying to negotiate with him over the car lease I co signed for him because he went bankrupt and has crap credit. I refuse to stay on the car lease post divorce, and he is resisting trying to find another co-signer. He is being most difficult around it, and I am about to blow my lid at him.

I just used a manipulation tactic on HIM: I said if you care about me still in the least, you will find another co signer and you will get me off of this car lease, as I have requested.

AND... my husband today claimed that HIS lawyer offered MY lawyer some type of "indemnification" clause on the car lease - meaning, if he stops payments on it, then I can sue him. He also claimed that my lawyer said no to this. My lawyer never even mentioned it to me so this was the first time I am hearing about it. I am a bit taken aback that my lawyer didn't call me to talk to me about this. I had to email my lawyer to ask him. WTF?

He is full of it

Exactly my gut reaction.

Wanna hear something more despicable that my husband did?

After we were married or at some point he informed me that the sister of his prior girlfriend, who is developmentally disabled, agreed to co sign his car lease (before I did).

So he convinced a developmentally disabled woman to co sign - the sister of his girlfriend.

Are you going to be sick now?

I was when he told me of this. He is absolutely despicable with NO scruples.

He takes advantage of every female, including those who are disabled!

Wow. Ouch.

I think it's disgusting.

Wonder why his girlfriend didn’t want to do it. Terrible

If you want off the lease & he doesn't do anything about it, your lawyer can force it to be sold in the divorce agreement. That is what is done with homes that when both names are on the mortgage. NEVER leave your name on anything both names are on. I learned the hard way. You think your credit rating is bad.....they can destroy it by allowing your name to stay on anything

Yeah staying on the lease after divorce is absolute no no. No wonder your lawyer said no to it. If that even happened. Your husband is probably lying. You suing him won’t work because your credit will be ruined regardless. Yes car might have to be returned to a dealer and he might have to get a different car. How he is going to do it is not your concern. Plenty of people get their own cars. Bankrupt or not.

Yeah staying on the lease after divorce is absolute no no. No wonder your lawyer said no to it. If that even happened. Your husband is probably lying. You suing him won’t work because your credit will be ruined regardless. Yes car might have to be returned to a dealer and he might have to get a different car. How he is going to do it is not your concern. Plenty of people get their own cars. Bankrupt or not.

He tried to claim to me today that there is NO way to get my name off the lease and that he cannot refinance the car. I called Honda myself yet AGAIN just after he tells me this. Honda gave me three options: refinance the car through a lender; trade in for another car; or sell the car. The current account needs to be closed in order for my name to come off the lease. Once again he is BSing me, giving me the run around and doesn't want to do any legwork to help. SO I just threatened that IF he does not pursue any of the above options, that I will go to his workplace tomorrow to take the car away and sell it myself.

Why two posts? Sorry

he is now putting up ALL sorts of roadblocks on the car lease.

He is a liar

When my husband got divorced his ex was ordered to take her name off his car. She had nothing to do with a car as she wasn’t even working but she was on there as a second driver. She refused just to be nasty. We were already together and she still had her name on it. My husband had to tell her that he’ll have to get courts involved again as she is in contempt to get her to take her name off. Only then she did

Court will order for him to get your name off

No court on this planet will demand that divorced ex spouse keeps other person on a car lease

If it cannot be resolved, judge will order for a car to be sold. Courts don’t care what he can’t afford. Not their business or concern.

I am practically in tears. He is refusing to do any of the possibilities. He wants HIS way and he's going to end up getting his way. I have no choice in the matter, unless I physically took the car from him to sell it.

And yes, I believe no court will allow this.

You need to talk to your lawyer. See what they say you need to do. Don’t do anything drastic until you talk to a lawyer