Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

Well it’s not black and white, you make it sound like people who maintain boundaries are not nice and loving people but are cold and distant. I don’t think being nice means have no boundaries and having firmer boundaries makes one is not nice.

I see no need to be cold and distant when anyone (doesn’t matter if it’s soon to be ex or a neighbor) faces death or illness in the family. Expressing your condolences to him or feeling sad that his dad might die isn’t wrong. You just don’t need to be sucked into drama and manipulation though, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be compassionate or good person. One doesn’t exclude the other.

Also there is a happy medium somewhere in between, you alternate between fighting with him yelling the most vile words (for the good reason) and being loving and compassionate the next day spending hours on the phone with him. That’s kind of drama was taking place while you were married, a lot, vicious fights alternating with loveydovey stuff. Now when you are in a process of divorce, similar drama takes place. Hot and cold. It’s extreme and might not be particularly healthy

You could be a nice person and do the right things by your exes but in moderation and with your eyes peeled. If he is an abuser and narcissist, you need to be careful. Why do you think his ex wife still talks to him, he is sucking her right in. Or why his exes allowed him to store crap in their places for years! He is that good. He is a master manipulator and a user

@divine1966, thank you for pointing these things out. I can sometimes have black and white thinking, and I need to strike a balance and middle ground somehow between having firm boundaries while also being nice.

And yes, I think he has probably manipulated his other ex into thinking he's some sort of nice guy all over again. They're on very good speaking terms and could even be called good friends at this stage.

I am learning.... I am learning the art of creating and establishing firm boundaries while also being kind, compassionate and diplomatic at work right now too. I have not had to do this to date and it's a big challenge for me, in all areas of my life.

I have a fighter spirit in me, and because I've been abused many times at work and in my romantic life, it makes me react very defensively and protectively.

It's really hard for me, this new art form I must learn.

We all learn every day, don’t we? Yes balance is hard isn’t? My grandma used to say all issues in life comes from poor boundaries (she used to say everyone and everything has to have it’s place)

Balance sure IS hard! Man is it difficult! And yes, agreed! We learn every day!
Your grandma is very wise!!!

I am feeling your pain and I am experiencing the same thing . I am here if you ever want to talk .

Thank you @Freegirl033!

Are you currently separated?

How are things going now, @Have Hope?

Thanks for checking in with me @Bill3.

I cannot write about this just now, but I think we are moving towards reconciliation.

We are talking a lot more, mainly via text but some calls too. We saw each other for the first time in three months the other night. I do not wish to share more but I will in time. A reconciliation will occur... I am just not ready to discuss or to answer questions right now. We also need time, and perhaps several months, before a reconciliation can occur. Thank you all for all your support and for understanding. I will come back to post again soon.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us!

What do you mean by "reconciliation", exactly?

Well, just saying it's possible, but he needs work to do first. We're talking again.

Thought as much. Do what you believe and stay safe.

@MisterPaul, sorry for the delay, and thank you. I am being cautious and reserved. He needs to do the work first, then I will reconsider. I am staying safe.