My mother and I went to a thrift store. I bought some Xmas cards cheap and there were two women at the register. I said "I'd like to buy these cards" and the one woman, elderly, said loudly "oh well your friends will be surprised by YOU," she was teasing me. It was weird. Everyone (the 2 women, my mom) laughed, and it drew the attention of other shoppers in the store. It made me really uncomfortable. Random stranger says this? Come on. It made me angry. I did nothing. I said nothing. But I really wanted to be like "wtf, that's not funny."

When we left, I mentioned to my mom that I didn't get it and she dismissed me and said "oh she was just being goofy."

What do I do in situations like this?

There was a period a couple years ago where shop or business owners would jokingly say "no" to me as a joke answer to my request. Each time, the person I was with laughed too. Once I ordered something at a restaurant and started with "could I get..." The waitress said "No." But she was "just kidding." It did not seem funny to me. It seemed like bullying. This was on a date. My date laughed.......wtf.

What do I do in situations like this? I want to stand up for myself. I know that everyone has different senses of humor but how can I react to protect myself, respect myself, and also say something appropriate when someone uses humor to tear me down? I don't ever say anything back usually.

I think its also important to say that I threw those cards away when I got home and my mother dismissing me (and laughing with them) made me feel much worse. I know throwing the cards away probably sounds extreme. Whatever. I threw them away.

[divine1966]

I hate it!!!

You know I had couple of instances when similar things happened to me. Like someone was teasing in a very unpleasant manner repeatedly. Couple of different people over the years. In almost every occasion I directly addressed it. I tell them I consider it rude and inappropriate. It stopped and never happened again. In most cases people aplogize.

Now I am talking about repeated insult or teasing (repeated teasing is sometimes veiled insult-not always). But I’d see if that’s repeated. If it’s just one time I don’t make a big fuss. If it’s one time thing I’d ignore it. Usually

Now sometimes when direct confrontation and speaking up isn’t desirable or just not helpful, I play “dumb”. My brother believes I am extremely good at it. He cant do it with straight face.

Let’s say someone makes dumb joke on your expense, someone who tends to do it and direct confrontation doesn’t work and you can’t avoid them because they are family, for example.

You maintain neutral facial expression and ask “what do you mean” or something similar. When they say they were kidding, ask for explanation of a joke. At the end the other person will be the one embarrassed or they’ll leave you alone. Like “no? I can’t have filet mignon? Are you guys out of it?” “I was joking”.. “oh so what was the joke? I think I missed the joke”. Just keep asking questions. But you gotta do it with pleasant facial expression and very neutral. You must not show that you are upset or anything. It takes practice

Now with the lady in a thrift shop, since it’s unclear what she meant (I don’t know what she meant), I’d ask what she meant. If she said it’s a joke, I’d ask what’s the joke as you don’t get it etc Id actually wanted to know what she meant, “they’d be surprised”?

When I was young, I’d let things go (would be upset but wouldn’t confront) or I’d move on from people like this without confrontation. It changed as I got older.

On one hand I have much much thicker skin now and not too much phases me but on the other hand if something does phase me and I don’t want to let it go, I confront directly (or do my “dumb” game if they don’t respond to confrontation but I need them off my back)

[Nammu]

By making a statement into a question you are asking for feedback. Don’t say “could I buy...” “I’d like to buy...” just present your purchase to the checkout person without a word. They know that your buying that.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Nammu

By making a statement into a question you are asking for feedback. Don’t say “could I buy...” “I’d like to buy...” just present your purchase to the checkout person without a word. They know that your buying that.

She said “I’d like to buy these cards”, it’s a statement. Maybe it’s just how she speaks. Just polite way to approach a cashier. I could see them commenting “these are nice cards”, or even how recipients will enjoy them but why was it funny? I don’t see any joke in there.

Nammu, though phrasing a request without a question is something I could consider (re ordering at restaurant), it sounds like you're saying it is my fault by the way I phrase the statement / question, and I disagree. People's ****** behavior is on them.

Divine1966, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who this has happened to. It really helps to know that I'm not alone (in disliking it and also experiencing it).

[Yaowen]

Dear Woven Galaxy,

I experience that too. It can be such an unhappy experience. A pscyhologist taught me a little trick for dealing with rude comments and questions. If someone says something toxic, just reply: "What?" If they repeat the toxic statement or question, just say "what?" again. And keep doing it over and over until the person stops. The person will eventually tire of the whole thing.

By saying "what?" one is neither responding to their rudeness by simply "taking it" which can be hard on self-esteem. Neither is one returning one rudeness for another and perhaps provoking a worse situation.

By saying "what", it gives the person a chance to rethink whether to repeat their rude statement or question. Very few people expect "what?" as a response to a toxic comment or question so it sort of disarms them and throws them off their guard.

Many people grew up in households where rudeness was the status quo and it has become second-nature to them. They often regard those who "take" the rudeness as weak and those who fight as thin-skinned and overly sensitive. By saying "what" you change their whole "game."

I don't know if this would work for you or others but I have found it effective for me. Hope you get lots of responses to your post!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

@Yaowen I do like this. I will have to try it. thank you!

@divine1966 i meant to comment, too, that saying "I don't understand" or "what do you mean by that" is an excellent idea too. In the case today, I was like "huh?" And actually did not understand completely at first, so it would have made sense too. I can see how it would work at other times too though. I have no idea what my face would be like, lol. I'll have to experiment.

I also really like the idea of just flat out saying "that's not funny."

[divine1966]

Asking “what” is a good idea. Or ask to repeat what they said “I didn’t quite catch what you said, could you repeat it please?”.

Yaowen, I don’t think telling people to not make rude comments or weird jokes makes one “thin-skinned” or “overly sensitive”. In fact calmly telling a person that you don’t appreciate rude jokes does require some “thicker skin”. Thin skinned people usually have harder time with confrontation, although it’s not a bad idea to learn,. I also don’t think telling others to stop means someone is overly-sensitive.

Now if a person can never take a joke, then it’s a different story but I don’t think that’s what is being discussed

[Yaowen]

Dear WovenGalaxy,

I think a lot of us tend to run on a kind "auto-pilot" much of the time. Rude people are no exception. They say toxic things more out of a bad habit than from willing the rudeness with all their heart, soul, mind and strength and without any impediments. I am quite sensitive to things although I have developed a thicker skin of late, at least a little. Something that takes a few seconds for a rude person to say can stick with me for hours or even days sometimes which is a pretty unhappy situation.

I have found that fighting back against a rude statement is not always helpful to me. I can only speak for myself here and realize we are all different from each other in many ways. Sometimes a person will say something rude to provoke an emotional response in me. If I launch a counter offensive, so to speak, then they win because the goal was to provoke an emotional response. If I respond in a kind of counter attack, they think: "I won, I got you." Now I don't want to give them that pleasure so I found then "what" technique pretty good because it is sort of an intellectual response which throws off their whole game and gives no no real satisfaction.

I try to keep perspective too. Rudeness isn't good but I think everyone has been rude at one time or another. I try to keep rudeness in perspective. Good and bad fall along a continuum and range of values. At the bad end are people like Adolph Hitler and Stalin who sent tens of millions of people to their destruction through genocide and ethnic cleansing. Now, realistically speaking, what is a rude comment compared to causing mass genocide? It is a small thing . . . far, far, far, far, far away from genocide. So I try to take steps to make sure my response to something bad or unpleasant is not out of proportion to the offense. If mass genocide ought to provoke "x" emotional response, what is the proper response to rudeness?

That is not to say that I have transcended the situation you describe. I can still get wound up and suffer rude comments and questions. But nowadays I am able to sort of defuse my anger a lot quicker than I used too. Not always though.

Perhaps this is not very helpful. It is hard to know what to say sometimes that will be helpful.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

[unaluna]

I like Yaowen's reply of "What?" Miss Manners has suggested saying "Excuse me?" in response to a rude or intrusive comment, but boy that just brings out the comedian in a lot of people. I have not been successful with it. Maybe it appears too highminded? Maybe WHUUUT?! will be more congruent with my usual style.

Yaowen, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that we are all different and we all handle things differently. I agree. We do what works for us, and there are different paths to self empowerment and self respect. Imo, its all good as long as we don't hurt others. I think it is possible to speak up without hurting someone (imo, its important for me to do so, maybe bc I was so silent in the past and silenced in some instances too). Not everyone shares that sentiment. That's ok. Do what works for u.

Yeah I think when I wrote this I was pretty heated and very upset. Some of it had to do with my mother too. She just didn't get why I was upset, which just upset me more. I had to get away from her, and I did.

Putting things in perspective is good, imo, too, and giving things space. Validating ourselves is a very good thing too. That's something I haven't always gotten. So I'm learning to do it for myself.

[divine1966]

I think it also depends on if you have to continue communication with these people. If you must see them and be in communication, addressing it directly might be the best or they’ll never stop. If you never see them again like a waiter, asking them “why” “what” or “what they mean” might be the best.