triangle mess

Hi everyone,

First time here, feel free to give me your comments on what you think of this confusing yet magnetic relationship that I'm currently involved.

Let’s start with some facts:
I'm 34 yrs old
"Linda" 28
"Joey" 28 (her husband)

I’m a 34 yr old guy from Ct, I met this girl "Linda" at work and we were friends (not close friends) for 3 yrs before we start seeing each other. It's been a little over a year since we've been having an "affair". Allow me to quote that for a minute so I can explain.

Her relationship with him: Their connection has been above and beyond anything I ever heard of. That’s what’s primarily keeping them still together. The have other issues, but as she said they are minor ones or at least fixable ones. Their primary issue has always been their sexual life. She has tried many things for their sex life to get better but it has never change. This has always been their case from day one. Yet their connections have kept them together over the years. (7 yrs now) They're best friends and they still love each other. But he understands there's an issue with their sexual life.

My relationship with her: Everything started with a night going out, and a kiss. We continued seeing each other although the physical relationship never occurred until she had the first talk with him. She asked him if she could exercise a physical relationship outside their marriage since theirs wasn’t working. He surprisingly agreed as long as she didn’t fall for anyone. Obviously that didn’t work well. Once he Okayed it, we kept seeing each other and time changed this "sex relationship" into a magnetism that neither of us felt before and a second relationship. We tried breaking up a few times but that only lasted a few days. We missed each other and before you know it, we were back together again.

We both realized that we were doing the wrong thing and I advised her to go see a therapist or to talk to him about what's going on because we couldn’t be doing this for much longer. Days turned to months and months to a bit over a year before she had a second talk to him. This was when she told him that she had been having a second relationship. She understood this needed to be done but she kept putting this issue behind because of the fear of losing him, and her fear that the connection that she feels for him would go away. She also feared to lose one of us. She says she loves us both.

Now we're at the present time. Once he found out about her other relationship, he obviously got upset, but they finally had a talk. (I guess) he realized that it was going happened. He understands they have an issue, but he believed so deeply that everything is fine. Every conversation they had in the past about it, ended up nowhere. Neither of them knew what to say or do about it. Recently he has suggested that maybe they should separate for a year and see how it goes and try that. But nothing has changed. Again she fears to leave him. Yet she has told me time and time again, she does not fear that I’d make her happy or that I would disappoint her. She just wants to make sure she has exercised every option she has to make sure she’s doing the right thing.

I asked her recently a couple of questions:

If she'd go to a therapist, and he/she was to ask her if she wants to fix her marriage what would her answer be? She replied. Ideally I'd like to fix it but realistically I don’t think it can be fixed.

I asked her a second question.
If you want to fix your marriage, why do you want to be with me?
She replied: "Because at the beginning it was just sex, but now I love you, and I don't want you to go away"

My first obvious thought/s is that she wants him and I’m only the back up option. (Sucky feeling). She also mentioned before she commits herself to me 100% she wants to make sure that she tried everything she could for her marriage.

Now when I hear that, I feel happy in a way because that's what I'd like from my wife if we have problems like that. I'd like her to fight hard before giving up. (Although her husband doesn’t seem to be doing a damn thing about it) he just agreed to go to therapy with her if she wants him to. But on the other side, am I just being gullible and sitting around for no reason? I know in my heart she's being honest to me. In fact she's honest with everyone. Well, With the exception of not telling her husband 100% of the truth from the beginning.

So my question remains, am I on the way? Should I just walk away? Is she ever gonna get to the bottom of it? I admit that I carry much of this guilt because I feel that I’m the reason their marriage isn’t working. She assures me that this issue already existed much before we got together. Their sexual life as my understanding is and has been once a month or so since their beginning of marriage. At the beginning I was that door, that empty space that she needed to fill up in her life, but now I seem to be much more to her as she is to me.

Presently she’s looking to find a therapist to talk to; I hope she doesn’t drag her feet on this. I love her, but sometimes when I’m in the shower or driving I think of what if this drags for much longer. I don’t want to hate her no matter what happens. I don’t even want to think of what I’d do if I have to move on. Truth is that I’m giving her all the time in the world for her to find herself and I can only hope this doesn’t bite me in the *** but only time will tell. I can only hope that I’m doing the right thing instead of pressuring her. Please feel free to comment on this. Sorry if I made this too long.

personally your relationship has interrupted her marriage already. I would back away and let her have the time to work on the marriage. if it is meant to be she will divorce her husband.

This is a mess.

Trust me, I'm not judging the situation because I can actually relate to "Linda".

But, what I'm seeing, as an outside perspective all I can say is she's not willing to let go of something. This "something" needs to be figured out because ultimately it's not fair to you nor her husband. If she has not separated with her husband even after he had willingly recommended it then this decision is on her behalf. If I were you I'd feel jipped. There's no way possible she could commit 100% of herself to you if she has a husband as well.

I'm young, surely naive, and inexperienced in this sort of issue. I'm married and never had a "relationship" outside my marriage but I did have an planned one night stand with a friend. It's completely different but somewhat similar because in Linda's aspect something is lacking in her life and it's probably something more then sex. It's possibly something more then what you or her husband can give her...probably something with in herself. This type of decision should be cut and dry..either or....she cannot have both. You shouldn't have to tolerate be the "second" man neither.

Personally, I'd walk away and tell her to call me when she gets her %#@&#! together and makes a decision. It's not fair to wrangle your emotions this way. Imagine the emotions of her husband.

Love is complicated...sure. I hope whatever happens you can find some sort of enlightenment in this situation. Good luck.

Hi bjuniors and Welcome to PC.

There are so many red flags that pop up in your post that I'm not even sure where to begin here. Maybe it's because in my own life I feel that I should take care of one relationship before having another. I don't think Linda has been fair to her husband or to you.

First of all you have to remember one thing here, you are only getting 1/2 of the story. In situations such as this, the one cheating can make up any story they like to give you. I'm not saying that she is lying to you, but at the same time, you couldn't possibly know what her husband is thinking and feeling or how their relationship is at home now could you??

Whenever there is a lack of something in a marriage, looking outside of the marriage for fulfillment is only going to bring heartache all the way around.

Of course your relationship together has been exciting and fun..it brings about those feelings because in your minds you know you are doing something that is not right but it's exciting.

Let me ask you one thing here and you have to be completely honest with yourself when considering this question.... If she were to divorce her husband and married you, how would you feel if she felt something was lacking and she looked elsewhere to fill in the hole???? I suppose it is possible that things might not get that point, but I have an issue with that because she has shown that all she cares about is herself. As long as she is fulfilled, you and her husband bedamned because she is getting exactly what she wants. She has her life at home with her husband that she says she loves and she has her hidden life with you....hmmmmmm who is winning here??? You?? Nope, not if you are looking for more than a physcial relationship. Her husband?? Nope, because he is only a part of the puzzle and not getting his wifes full attention.

I know this is not an easy situation. And please know that I'm not judging any of you. But I question her resolve to solve this situation and it's a no win situation for her. If she breaks off with either one of you, she looses something. It sounds like she is not willing to do that. In other words, she wants her cake and eat it too.

Do you not deserve better than that? Doesn't her marriage deserve better than that? In my estimation you should walk away, even though it will be hurtful for you. But it's the only way you can show respect for yourself and for her marriage. If in time, after your relationship has been ended and she and her husband have tried to fix things and it didn't work, and they divorce, if you are available and want to have a relationship with her, then she is free for that relationship. If it doesn't happen, then it wasn't meant to be from the beginning.

Another point I would like to make is this - since you are now questioning this situation and what you should do, that tells me you are not comfortable in your role anymore. That tells me that you are not feeling all warm and fuzzy and there are warning bells going off in your head. Heed those bells and take care of YOU.

Wishing you well in this difficult situation.


sabby

BJuniors...I don't like what this woman is doing....to you and to her husband. I think you need to take a break from her and think about what YOU deserve in a relationship!
Patty

I do not understand why she feels the necessity to stay with a man who does not satisfy her. She says she loves him, but there is no intimacy.I never heard you mention children which is always a reason to try and make a marriage work. So if this woman has love and sex with you why not commit to you? And why was the husband so upset to find out about her 2nd relationship if she discussed it with him and he okayed it!? I had a relationship with a married man once. He was supposedly misunderstood and did not sleep with her etc etc.. All lies. I am not saying this woman is lying about everything, but she is not telling you everything. I dont think she is being totally honest with her husband either.
If her marriage was not giving her what she wanted or needed either they should go for counseling or get out of the relationship. In the mean time you are hanging on to this relationship and spending time with her when you could meet someone available. Someone who could be there all night and on Holidays too! If you do not want to give her an ultimatum at least set a time frame in your own mind. Set a time of how long you want to give her to make a decision. You sound like a wonderful guy who could be with any woman that could be only yours. Good luck. I hope you are not deeply hurt by this relationship. And I hope everything goes smooth since you work together.

((((bjuniors12))))
What a difficult situation! I know you have recommended that she see a therapist. I think that you could benefit from seeing one, too. You have a lot of decisions to make and I think a therapist could help you sort things out. Good Luck. Take care.

I don't understand your accent on Linda and what she is doing. You can only live your own life. No one else (therapist) can get you out of the mess. We can tell you what we'd do if we were each of you but it's not something someone other than any of the three of you can do.

Were I Joey, I'd leave Linda.

Were I Linda, I'd leave both of you; I don't think she can be happy now with either person with the knowledge and weight of the other person on her mind and heart.

Were I you, I'd leave Linda and start therapy. I'd write a personal note and apologize to Joey.