[Shaymus]

Ick the oldest daughter here who is 20 years old has been moody all day today. I got woke up to her telling the youngest how she wish she was dead. Then she starting fighting with my girlfriend and the crud really hit the fan then. After a long physical fight she finally left and now everyone seems back to normal and im still freaking out. I dont know what im wishing for. Part of me is hoping she just moves out like she said she was going to. Part of me wants her to leave on good terms so she can feel like she can return if need be. Part of me wants to hide under the couch for the next few weeks. My girlfriends nose is i dunno what,but the cartlidge isnt attached to the bone anymore. If a man did that to my girlfriend id have no problem beating them into hamburger. Another girl,who is family though and i get so scared. Theres no answers and i dont know what to do. I suggested maybe they go to family counceling,cause hey,they fought they both need healthy ways to deal with their anger when dealing with each other. The youngest and my girlfriend never have these fights. Its really how everyone gets along with the oldest,cept me of course since i just tend to distance myself from confrontations as much as possible.

PS im still shakey as hell im so scared

[saudade]

hey, shay, I'm really, really sorry about the fight.

family counceling sounds like the right thing to do, but then again, the choice has got to be unanimous, yeah?

do you think that maybe if you could help your gf have her nose checked out it would be like a healthy movement that could develop into a larger healing movement, maybe?

please, don't be scared. sad but true - it could happen in any family.

healthy has got to be the most relative concept these days and you're not alone.

love
peace

[betty_3]

I'm assuming that this incident was in Your home and that the others are living there with you. If that is the case, you need to set up ground rules, such as: no violence, no abusive language, no put downs, etc...you get the idea? Present this to both your daughter and your girlfriend that you will not live in a house that is not peaceful and respectful and give them the list of rules. They must agree to abide with them or they will have to live somewhere else. And enforce it every time.

This is what I had to do in my house so that I could have peace. It took awhile and they "tested the waters." But, when they saw I wasn't going to budge on my rules, they complied. It forced them to grow up and act like adults. Society does not permit violent behavior, abusive talk and degradation. So, ask yourself why should you either?

At first, for you it will be tough because you will feel guilty and want to back down but stand fast and force them to come UP to your standards of behavior in Your house. In the long run, you are really doing them a favor by not accepting their bad behavior.

Also, it sounds like your daughter needs to see a physician to determine if she needs to be on medication or some kind of treatment. Death wishes are not normal. Also, is your daughter doing drugs? Moodiness like this can be a sign of drug use.

My 2 cents worth. It worked for me.

[Shaymus]

I think if i said that,or something like that tho everyone would laugh. Who am i to demand anything? Altho i do like hearing what a healthy person should do so at least i know.

One other question i have is,can i talk about this incident with my therapist? Would he have to report violence? Or since she is over 18 he couldnt report it? The one thing i know for sure is involving the cops would make things a lot worse.

I just want peace,even if everyone is just pretending lol. Its like those positive things my t has me reading before bed every night. If they pretend to be peaceful for long enough maybe they can be. All i know is hearing yelling and screaming and stuff breaking makes me feel like im losing my grip on sanity. .

[gloria]

Talk to your t, if you think it could help you. I don't think your t would call the cops, but your girlfriend and/or daughter could and acuse each other of asault....

Take care, and when ready, take charge too. It is your house and it should have rules, your rules. You are the adult there, right?

gab

[Shaymus]

They arnt only my rules though. My girlfriend is older than me,heck she pays the rent too. I cant just go around demanding any more than she can. Id be pissed if she just announced something without at the very least consulting me first.

Now today the oldest is back,and her and the youngest went to get pictures taken together as part of the youngests senior pictures. They want to surprise their mom. Thats nice and im glad things are nice and calm.

No there is no way my girlfriend would call the cops and accuse anything. And i *think* the oldest wouldnt do that either but i had a panic attack last night thinking the oldest's boyfriend was gonna walk in our room last night and start shooting us. Like in a movie or something,but hey craziness isnt supposed to make sense i guess.

[gloria]

Oh I see, I guess if you are roomates the rules should come from both.

How about talking just to your roomate and letting her know that violence makes you uncomfortable and need her help to figure out a way to keep it under control. Maybe she has some ideas too, maybe it makes her uncomfortable too, even she is part of it.

Is she somebody easy to talk to?

gab

[Shaymus]

Definately,she only gets that angry at the oldest. I did make sure to tell her that it freaks me out so much,and begged her to never go upstairs when she is fighting with the oldest. Let things cool down. She really wants the oldest to get to see a therapist. I said maybe the start of her actually going,they could go together for family counceling. That way at least the foot is in the door. Its so strange tho,my girlfriend is such a calm patient woman with me,and the oldest is pretty friendly to me too. I get along very well with them both,but dang do they push each others buttons so easily.

The tin foil lining (my way of saying a cruddy silver lining) to this is that hopefully this can be a start of something good,and the oldest who i know has to have some issues with what she has been thru in her young life already can get someone to help her deal with it. Heck i could even be a good role model probably for the first time in my life cause i just went thru the struggle to actually get help when your poor as mud. Another positive is its the next day and none of them look like they were in a bar room brawl. No black eyes or huge bruises or anything so thats great and the oldest didnt use this insane episode as an excuse to quit college which was a fear of mine as well.

[shakes]

Shaymus,
While I understand that your girlfriend pays the rent the bottom line is that you are suppose to be the other adult figure in the house. If you are expected to take care of her children then you have the rights to make rules as well. The oldest child's behavior is unacceptable. I know that in CT if there is violence in the home that threatens a minor any T is a court mandated reporter...meaning that he/she has to report the violence to the Department of Children and Families. I do not know if the rules are the same where you live or not.
Have you talked to you girlfriend about how you feel? If not then maybe it would be a good idea.

Stay strong,
Jessica

"Take these chances. Place them in a box until a quieter time..." ~DMB