When do you say enough?

Mental illness is hard even for those suffering from it to understand even when they try to learn about it. It’s good that you admit that you have had very bad episodes. IMHO your husband is probably triggered and wonders if you are going to have a bad episode. When it happens he probably feels helpless and men especially do not like to feel helpless.

I, for one, am not expecting him to be superhuman but to demonstrate basic human compassion towards someone (his spouse!) who is struggling with a MI. Is that too much to ask to show some respect rather than to lose it and treat you so badly? I really don't see how that is helpful.

I also don't see it as justifiable that just because someone (he) runs out of patience, it is okay to demean, shout down, abuse someone else.

This is not normal behavior. He's been supportive all along through the decades. I really wonder if he's burned out.
My cousin who is also bipolar gave me some great advice. He told me I have to own it first, then it will be easier to control. I needed a few days to think about what he meant by that, and I think it means taking 100% responsibility for your illness and how it affects others. Own the meltdowns, the sudden outbursts of anger, own it even when you don't remember what you did (happens to me a lot). I stopped blaming everything I do wrong on my illness, stopped making excuses, like throwing a hairbrush through the bedroom window and saying I was aiming for the wall. I have damaged walls, doors, and furniture in a fit of rage. I don't know if it will stop or not. Time will tell.

When it comes to MI, it can be a lot of work to control how it affects us. You have two conditions that can be very challenging for your conscious mind to get under control. It's like when someone suffers from migrane headaches and they get so bad the person can't function. It's not something that person can JUST decide not to have and struggle with. And some have learned to do things despite the genuine pain of the migrane and others that don't have that problem don't know how challenging that makes doing tasks despite that pain is.

I have felt this myself in that I suffered horrible ptsd episodes and I felt frightened and very alone with it. Yet, as I mentioned other people are not going to genuinely understand it unless they experience it for themselves. In fact, people can say some throughtless and disrespectful things when it comes to ptsd. Like, it's the new in thing to say now. For someone who genuinely struggles with it, hearing that said in such a dismissive way can actually be triggering and disrespectful like what an abuser would say.

Oh boy, can I relate to this! My husband has witnessed me experience flashbacks, and he has witnessed someone who is extremely toxic trigger me into having a flashback too. Yet, he can say all the wrong things even though he witnesses it. YES!!! I have had that same kind of reaction where there was negativity and I tune that out because I too am hyperfocused on staying calm. That is why I wanted to focus on "that thing" with you. And I also noticed that while you did get triggered, you managed to overcome it too. It can be something a medication helps with to a certain extent. At least enough to notice "the thing" and better define it. I know that's important because in order to tame something the first step is "name it to tame it".

Wouldn't it be nice if others around us could understand that? I wish I could say any therapist would know, but that's not true either. Yet when one does actually know, it can make all the difference in the world.

It IS important though to keep in mind that your husband has witnessed you experience some really bad episodes, so in all fairness to him he won't know how bad you are going to get. That is scary for anyone and not an easy thing to be around. I try to keep that in mind when my husband reacts badly when I need him to be calm and more supportive instead.

We cannot go and change our past, however, it's important to one's mental health to understand how our past affected us in ways we did not realize and cause problems for us in the present. There are times where I can't understand what is triggering me, it can take a lot of time to figure it out. When I do figure it out and try to describe it and put it into words? The one thing I hate to hear is "well if you know that then JUST or DON'T ALLOW". Truth is that just because we identify something, it doesn't mean it JUST stops affecting us or isn't intrusive when something similar takes place.

People can say some pretty mean things. Yes, they can claim they know because maybe they read about a certain MI challenge, yet, their responses clearly show they STILL don't get it. When that happens, I have to try to work on being patient with that too on top of my inner challenge with PTSD and so many traumas that go way back for me. Oh I can definitely relate to "the more I pursue answers the worse it gets". I can't say enough the patience one has to develop to slowly unravel the things we may not have consciously realized hurt us and can come forward so intrusively. What I can say is that when some else "gets it", it's such a comfort and can help us not feel so alone with it.

I just love you! it's like you're in my head. 😳 Are you sure that's a safe place to be? Cuz there's some crazy s**t flying around up there.

The fact that you are willing to admit that you have challenges and at times they get the best of you means you can learn how to manage these challenges. Scary people are the ones that don't admit they have problems, the people that distort and believe their distortions and make up their own version of reality are the ones that are not receptive towards better managing their thoughts and behaviors.

Robin Williams had bipolar and he didn't know it and he was able to use his mania, harness it where he was able to use language and speak physically with his body too. He saw his mind and how his mind worked as a gift. Truth is, a lot of very creative/artistic individuals had/have bipolor. They are not easy to live with because of the highs and lows.

We are learning more about what it means to have bipolar, what happens in the brain itself. As they learn more they create medications to address how the brain goes into more depressive states that can last for one day or several as each person is different. At least there are people who dedicate themselves to studying and learning about the "why" behind challenges. If we KNOW what is there, then we can HELP that child/person learn to work around whatever way their brain is wired. And we can educate them in a way that compliments how their brain is wired instead of expecting them to learn a certain way where they are often considered "stupid" or not smart enough simply because they actually LEARN differently. This is what ends up creating low self esteem that can plague a person their entire life.

I have conversations with my therapist who I really like a lot. His wife has ADHD and so does his son. He explains that when it comes to his son and learning what helps him focus better is if he is able to sit on a large bouncy ball that allows him to feel "motion", and motion he generates. My husband works with another man, younger man and that man also has ADHD as does my husband and that man also has a huge bouncy ball that he sits on when he is working at his desk that he can move around from his desk to other things he has set up that he needs for setting up jobs (he is a builder like my husband). If we can identify challenges or certain ways a brain is wired, then we CAN accomodate that just as is being done with my therapist's child who inherited his brain wiring from his mother. His mother also does best in motion, and she has a genius IQ.

Personally, I feel that instead of a child failing when it comes to education, it's more of the educational expectations that fail the child instead. I also feel that parents, through ignorance also fail their children when they decide the child is not good enough if the child isn't learning or achieving according to what they are told to expect. Often, a person can develop ptsd because they were treated so badly for something they could not help. It doesn't surprise me how someone can have a certain challenge due to brain wiring and also struggle with ptsd.

When your brother told you to own your bipolar, I don't think he said that to hurt you. He could have said that to you in a nicer way. I know how it feels when another person is mean or too blunt, especially when I was struggling and genuinely did not understand WHY, things were said to me that were extremely cold and insensitive.

I think the title to your thread was misunderstood. I think others were thinking that you were dealing with a husband that tended to be abusive. Truth is that is not always the case and it's more about lack of communication and that can be extra challenging when someone is struggling with a MI. Given what you have listed as Mental Health challenges, I am assuming what you shared is diagnosed by a professional.

My therapist is just a little older than my daughter. What I noticed about him is that BECAUSE there is more awareness about ADHD and the brain wiring that a person has that causes the ADHD, he is able to have a relationship with his wife and son UNDERSTANDING what it means. This makes communication much better. I did not have that for many years and I witnessed a lot of bad things that today would be considered "abuse".

When you mentioned that you love and adore your husband BUT, I know what you mean. He probably put up with a lot when you struggled. However, others are not in your head, they don't really understand certain challenges. Yes, I believe you when you say "the thing".

I try to remember how my husband doesn't really understand what a trigger really does to me. He simply is not in my head where he can experience what it means. There are times where it can get debilitating for me and it's NOT something I choose to experience. At times he reacts in ways that only make it worse too, because he tends to insinuate that I am choosing when that is simply not the case.

The fact that you are willing to admit that you can get bad is a big deal. It's a step towards admitting you have a problem verses blaming your problem on others. Managing one's own MI is a lot of work. The fact that you got past being triggered and angry in such a short time is actually a big deal. Often it is a combination of a medication and learning to pay attention to how certain things can create a reaction in you to take place.

It's important to keep in mind that your husband isn't in your head and if you have had serious meltdowns/episodes he will genuinely wonder if that is what he will be facing with you. The one thing I know is that when it comes to Mental Health challenges, it's sure isn't black and white.

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Originally Posted by Rive. I, for one, am not expecting him to be superhuman but to demonstrate basic human compassion towards someone (his spouse!) who is struggling with a MI. Is that too much to ask to show some respect rather than to lose it and treat you so badly? I really don't see how that is helpful. I also don't see it as justifiable that just because someone (he) runs out of patience, it is okay to demean, shout down, abuse someone else.

It is called burnout, his glass is not only filled up but NOW is overflowing & that is where the lack of patience comes from. No it is NOT OK to demean, shout down, or abuse someone else but if he has not been doing this all along in your marriage then I would be seriously thinking his limits are being pushed.

I was in that state by the time I walked out on my marriage after 30+ years. By the end I was actually seeing red any time I had to deal with him. It took time to build to that point & I had a career before the last 13 years where I could distance from all the frustrations & irritations HIS BEHAVIOR caused in my life. Never forget that our behaviors can negatively affect others as badly as theirs affects us & if it can't be resolved it only grows worse with time.