When do you say enough?

Agreed - open communication is important for such a big purchase, yet at the same time, it's her money owed to her. Did she need permission from him? No - it's her money.... with which she is allowed to do as she pleases.. Sure, perhaps communicating about it to him would have avoided any surprise and upset on his part, but to treat it like a "capital offense" and in a nasty manner? That is not called for and any kind of nastiness is unacceptable. He could have communicated his upset in a respectful manner, as it should be in a healthy relationship. This man, however, is abusive and toxic and did this in an unacceptable and nasty manner, so much so that she lost all enthusiasm for the truck. That personally makes me most angry on the OP's behalf.

No, it's more like "stop blindsiding me everytime I don't tell you something" and he just pissed all over my parade and it's not the first time.
I actually love the truck, it just took all the joy out of buying it all by myself. I don't function well, and I needed to know I still could when I needed to.

But no, I didn't communicate...again. I don't know what it is I'm supposed to and what doesn't matter? I thought the money didn't matter when I got it, but I found out it did.

That's a beautiful truck. Personally, I would sidestep your blindsiding husband who pissed all over your parade, once again. Enjoy this purchase - you deserve to feel joy and happiness about it. Screw him ... sorry, I'm a bit blunt! =)

Also, if I were in your husband's shoes, I certainly would not be nasty or pissy about a purchase that my partner made without my consultation. He knew the money was coming to you - and again, it's YOUR money, NOT his. IF it were HIS hard earned money, then I can understand better the upset that occurred. But it's YOUR money, to do with whatever you please! And in my humble opinion, he had no right to get so nasty and negative with you. Sure, perhaps you could have simply informed him of the purchase, but I don't think it was truly necessary either.

Werewoman,

The truck IS beautiful and if your family needed it and is not struggling to pay monthly bills then I can understand how you might have thought it would be a wonderful surprise.

Currently, I have been spending more on groceries than I usually do (pantry items, cleaning supplies, etc.) because I am convinced our currency is being inflated (groceries will keep going up). I feel the same way about vehicles. However, my husband and I have been able to make the most progress financially when we work together. He is frugal. I am not. Frugality is necessary to save money but sometimes it pays to not be frugal (for instance, sometimes higher priced items retain their value while cheap things just break!) And maybe deep inside you were afraid he would say no so you just did it anyways (I don't know, I have done this on occasion and am trying to be a better person about these sorts of things now...)--I do think that when you are married, how we spend and earn impacts one another greatly.

I'll try to answer everyone if I can. Mine is not an abusive relationship. I'm well schooled as part of my training in such matters having taken many classes and seminars over a couple of decades on how to identify and stop or prevent it. I'm perfectly safe.

The issue is that I have CPTSD (sometimes I'm the abuser when I dissociate) and you just can't blindside me like that and tell me I did something wrong when I know I didn't. It will cause an episode every time. He doesn't always know this, though. That's what I wish he understood. Don't tell me that I don't communicate unless you're willing to understand the reasons behind my fear.

I would like to delicately and also honestly approach this topic -- to me, the signs of abuse are present in him given what you have described of him so far. It also sounds now like it's a mutually abusive relationship and that you in part, or deep down, accept his abuse towards you.... you say it's not abuse because of your own training on the topic. I circle back to the notion of cruelty and healthy love not being able to co-exist. So perhaps it's not abuse in your mind because you also abuse him.

I respectfully disagree. Perhaps this topic is too complex. Nothing is ever that cut and dry.

My partner & I have been together 18 years. We were both married before, so we know what unhealthy relationships are like. I think it's important to set ground rules for communication & to realize the consequences of opening our mouths when angry; some words or tones can't & shouldn't be used or excused. Dropping "F-bombs," or raising one's voice unnecessarily can have lingering consequences. There's no excuse for the type of reaction you described, Werewoman. I hope he doesn't treat you like that on a regular basis.

That stated, neither my partner nor I would ever make a major purchase without consulting each other. For us, it's just a matter of mutual respect. Others have pointed this out quite well already, so I won't beat a dead horse.

While I understand you feel scarred by his angry attacks, I hope you are able to work things out. Good luck.

So, do you think this took him by surprise and triggered him and he reacted badly?

It's not that the car isn't nice, I can see it's a nice truck.

Hey, that’s ok. You know the ins and outs of your relationship. I do not. I can only go on what is stated on here. Relationships can be complex, I agree.

I just now saw the truck! Lovely color! Another Chevy girl! GM folks unite! I drive Chevy Trax at the moment. So does my dad. Two of my best girlfriends both just got Equinox. It this Silverado? They have a new truck this year, I think it’s called Colorado

I agree, relationships, especially ones that have been long term have lots of challenges to them. It's not cut and dry or black and white. Both learn a lot and have a lot of challenges they face together and we don't JUST have all the answers. I was only 24 when I married, things are VERY different now then at that time. No cell phones or hopping on the computer like so many are so accustomed to now. So many changes we both had to navigate around. And boy trucks are so expensive now, it's insane.

No there's no excuse. My MI frustrates him. Sometimes a little too much. I try to be patient because I know how hard I am to live with and I'd give anything not to be sick. I don't like not being able to control my emotions, and sadly, I have taken it out on him a few times, not realizing it until I 'come out of it'. I'm not saying it makes the way he acts sometimes okay. It just explains it.

The truck purchase was discussed and agreed upon weeks ago. We agreed when the money came in, I would buy the truck if it was still there and it was. I didn't tell him the money came. That's my crime. I didn't think it mattered since it was back payments for disability owed to me. I don't tell him every time my monthly check comes, so why would I think it necessary to tell him I received the back payments? To me, it's all one and the same. I guess he doesn't see it that way. From his perspective, I 'failed to communicate' when I didn't tell him about receiving the money.

It's a Colorado. It's a crew cab but its smaller than a Silverado. I just sold my old 2003 trailblazer. I only drive bowties. I wasn't aware there was any other make of vehicle.

It's good that you are recognizing this @Werewoman. I have a feeling you may trigger each other and you both end up frustrated. A trigger can help uncover "the Thing" though where that very sensitive injury you have personally reacts and creates an episode. I know for myself, when I experience a bad trigger it can literally cripple me for a few days depending on what the trigger is. That can be hard for a spouse to live with even though the sufferer believes "if only he would JUST, doesn't he get it?".

I believe you got that check and wanted to get that truck you really wanted and you wanted to get it yourself and bring it home. You wanted to embrace feeling empowered, being able to get something for yourself. You wanted others to respect that and be happy for you too. But, you got what you felt was a negative reaction and it ruined the experience you so wanted to have that was a positive for you that helped you feel empowered. That experience you wanted got ruined and triggered you to the point where you crashed and did not want to have anything to do with it. It isn't the truck either, it's still a nice truck and something you wanted that represented a big positive. It's the "hurt/bad feeling" you experienced that caused the shut down.

Does that help describe "the Thing"?

Commercials depict someone surprises the family with a car in the driveway with a big bow on it and they are all delighted. You had discussed your intent to purchase the truck. It sounds like your h didn’t like the surprise that you did it without him. It came from his sense of lack of control. Maybe he worried you hadn’t gotten a good deal or something to that effect. Tbh, my h would have freaked out too. Sexist, I know.

It would have been nice if it had been that Hallmark moment where they saw the truck and were happy. Yeah, it was about control. You really didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just that your h isn’t the type of person who reacted the way you had hoped.

Enjoy the truck and try to get past the moment that didn’t fly. Is he glad you got the truck overall?

LOL, yeah "The Fantasy". Who wouldn't want that?

He has no issue with the truck. I have bought many vehicles on my own. He has his work truck and I have the 'family' car, so to speak, so I'm the one who makes that decision, usually. I needed a truck because I take care of my elderly father.

His issue with me is when the lump sum from disability arrived in my bank account - I keep a separate account for the disability checks. I pay my medical bills out of it - I didn't inform him that it arrived.

I am loyal to the brand too

I think it’s more about type of personalities. Rather than sexist. My husband wouldn’t care and wouldn’t skip a beat if I showed up with a truck but i’d freak out if he showed up with unplanned major purchase, he is easy going. I am a planner. lol He also tends to sign up for things that dealer offers without thinking he needs it (extra care plan and some other unnecessary things). He does it because he has hard time saying no to a dealer. I have no issue saying no.

I think if someone was sole bread winner I’d not mind to see a new car on a driveway that he bought for me without my involvement. But we contribute to our life style equally so I’d not want unexpected cars!

If he already knew you buying a truck and that the money comes in, then he really can’t complain it’s a complete surprise. He had reasonable heads up

Thank you! My thoughts exactly.

A lot of what I was referring to in my original post regarding his words was how people like him, unknowingly I hope, say the most horrible, painful things because they really don't understand MI at all and I gave up trying to get him to educate himself. My dad is the same way.

I don’t understand why he got upset about that, so upset that he was mad about the truck when you arrived with it.

Whoa... so in reading the latest entries, let me get this straight. He already knew of your plans to buy the truck? And he also knew the money was coming in from disability? Yet what he was not informed of was when the money came into your account? And that is it? And then you bought a truck because you are taking care of your father and needed the truck?

This puts a whole different spin on this situation..... if he already was aware of your intent to purchase the truck, AND of the money coming in, then yes, this does seem like an overreaction on his part.

I still remain of the same opinion that his nastiness towards you was completely uncalled for.