When do you say enough?

His highness is the only one to make decisions and take any action? Otherwise, he treats you like crap?

Sorry, I still see it as abusive and highly controlling.

He's not mad about the truck. He's genuinely glad that I found the one I wanted. He's mad because I didn't tell him I received in my bank account the lump sum of back payments. I keep wondering if it was the amount that was the issue. Like he's afraid I can't handle it responsibly. I don't know.
I am.

You may be right. It's hard to see what's going on from the inside.
He just wants me to TELL him when I make decisions and take action.
He feels I don't communicate enough. I don't. I always come away feeling like I'm in trouble or something because my bipolar gets so out of control.
I am 100% disabled. I can no longer care for myself. I can't just leave and go wherever I want. Plus, I need my treatments every month unless I want a one way ticket to the nuthouse.
There are definitely issues that need addressing, and they will be as always (that's how you stay together for 30 years). I am still mystified by his reaction - that he made it about communication.

I hear what you are saying Werewoman... but even then, that does not give him licence to treat you like crap. There is no respect, nor care, in his communication towards you i.e. his spouse. This is what I am having issues with.

Shouting, belittling, hurting someone you supposedly love is unacceptable.

He is accusing you of not communicating with him. Does he not see that his way of communicating with you is pretty appalling?

I have a feeling your husband tries and gets triggered at times. I have myself had awful triggers and ptsd challenges and it’s hard to deal with a spouse with mental illness. I don’t just jump on the abuse band wagon as it’s not so black and white.

I wasn't aware he was THAT bad. I just want him to stop telling me that I'm hard to live with (I KNOW ALREADY) and tell me what he wants to know. He could have said "Let me know when you get it". I would have been fine with that.
We're talking about it.

I've been following your thread @Werewoman, and I wouldn't call this abuse but rather communication issues with the two of you.

I think it's reasonable that your husband would want you to communicate about big changes to finances like a big payout and the purchase of a vehicle. If it were me, I can imagine that I would be perhaps taken aback that you hadn't mentioned it to me, and maybe, in a not so great moment, responded not so positively.

I don't think he's trying to trigger you. He is allowed his reactions too, and he is human, remember.

And of course you should be able to enjoy the purchase of a new truck. And you've been married long enough that he should know that perhaps this type of criticism will trigger you when given sharply. What I would like you to consider though is that even as your husband, is it his job to remember your triggers and avoid them? That would equate to tiptoeing around you. That's not really fair to him.

However, if there is a way you can ask him to very specifically raise these concerns because it triggers you, then he should be able to respect that request.

I hope I'm not invalidating, that's not my intent. What I think is in order is a discussion with the two of you on how he can best communicate his feelings, even when they are negative, and for you to handle them. I understand that this triggers you, and it also sounds like he is not so nice sometimes about your disability, which is not okay.

But it does also sound, from the way you describe your love for him, that you both could discuss very openly the best ways to communicate when these feelings arise. Like how he can best communicate his surprise and concern to you without triggering you but also in a way that allows you two to discuss it.

I think he might need to join like a family group for support or something like that. It is hard for family to cope with mental illness in the family, and they need a place to discuss without hurting family. Maybe he reacts poorly because he also could use support?

I think you deal with things so well, all things considered. The way you've thought this through and coped with your own triggers about it. Maybe your husband needs a place to deal with his own triggers?

I agree with seesaw, and I really wanted to put more focus on "the thing" that triggers you. Thinking about you got me thinking about "the thing" that challenges me as well. It tends to stem from wanting to have one's own power, freedom to feel happy and having that challenged by a controlling negative presence. This can be something that repeatedly happened in one's past/childhood.

Others don't live in our head like we do, they don't have our history and our memory. So they don't always understand our triggers. Communication can be challenged because of this. I believe that you wanted to feel the freedom of what it means to have some money and get to go out and buy what you want. You ended up experiencing a reaction that triggered you to get angry and reject instead. It was not the car, it was wanting to get it the way YOU wanted.

Your husband reacted in a way that triggered a "kill joy" in you. My guess is that it's not him being abusive but he got triggered and concerned instead of giving you the reaction you wanted. I think your husband does try to understand you and he tries to be patient. It's just that "thing" that challenges you that he can't seem to get yet. That is what I wanted to focus on with you. I can struggle with that myself and it's very hard to articulate.

I don't think the response of "he is abusing you" is a fit. Instead he gets triggered and confused and has tried very hard to be patient with you.

To tell you you are hard to live with is difficult to hear. What concerns me is that he says this to you repeatedly and you have also stated that no matter what you do to try and educate your husband, he will not learn on his own about your MI. Instead, he chooses to say insulting and hurtful things by labelling you as being difficult to live with. That only will generate shameful feelings on your part, and perhaps even guilt and my guess, is it also lowers your self esteem?

Nah. My self esteem is intact. It's not dependent on what others say or do. I outgrew that a long time ago. All I feel is anger. No shame, no guilt, just a lot of frustration and anger.

Understood. Thanks for correcting me. A lot of frustration and anger.. do you mean at present or in general and overall?

It's all relative, one person's agony may be someone elses pain, but pain comes in degrees.

It's new behavior from him since my last inpatient. I was out of control. It was bad, very very bad. I was crying, screaming at everyone, including the police. I refused to take my meds because I wa still having meltdowns so I thought it was useless to swallow a bunch of useless chemicals (8) that weren't stopping my insanity.
Finally I sent a text telling my p-doc that I was getting out of control. He texted me back to tell me to get my *** to the hospital. I cried and pitched a fit.

I am sorry you struggled so much that you had to go inpatient. It sounds like that may have frightened your husband and he can experience triggers. You seem to have recovered from being triggered. That’s good.

There have been a number of Things in my nearly 40-year marriage. The biggest, most glaring THING is always about finances. My husband is an abusive control freak when it comes to me spending any money at all. I'm talking a single dollar. Seriously. In part I hate him for it. In part I recognize that his behavior is an aspect of his OC personality.


But then, I'm sure he could list Things about me, too.

Just at present. He hasn't always been like this. I think everything changed when I went on permanent disability.

I'm not going to pretend like marriage is easy. It takes a lot of work and good communication and you sure as hell better be able to tolerate one another. Be friends first and lovers second. That's the basics. All the other stuff that happens over the decades, the fights, the making up, children, two careers, four houses, one small business, shooting competitions, Disney World, a German Shepherd dog, 4 cats, a hedgehog, and a skink (lizard).

In the last few years, things have not been so good. While I'm better now due to ketamine and lithium, I can't deny my crazies. When I'm having an episode, I know it's miserable for my family, but nobody seems to stop and think that it just might be worse for me. That's what I'm really fed up about. I'm sick of people whining because I'm sick. My husband just happens to be the worst offender at the moment.

I totally understand this. Sometimes the conversation around how hard it is for caregivers/family is so offensive because they speak like it isn't so much worse for us, the people experiencing it.

Not asking them to ignore the impact it has on them, but they often seem to forget that it's way worse for us.

I get frustrated in wanting others to understand how hard it is for me, how much work it can be when I get triggered and that it's not a question of making a conscious decision to experience a trigger. Yet, at the same time I know that had I not experienced this challenge first hand, I would not understand it either. And even when someone tries to learn about a MI challenge, it doesn't mean that person is going to suddenly understand it the way the person suffering wishes they would.

What stood out to me @Werewoman is that even though you got so triggered, you managed to get it under control. That's progress rather than carrying that anger and resentment for days or weeks on end. When I saw your thread title and then read what you shared, honestly, I know that question very intimately "when do you say enough?". I began to understand what you wanted too. I know how that goes as well. Sometimes even trying to spell it out for another person doesn't work. And it can turn into the kind of response that makes it harder, you know what I mean, one of those "just" responses that never helps one iota.

Yes, you are right about how many things a couple has to learn about through 30 years of all kinds of things that come into their lives. There certainly is a lot of gray isn't there? And sometimes there is a "thing" that a partner never seems to get. That's especially challenging when it comes to battling a MI. I know what you wanted, that certain freedom to do something big for yourself and be able to enjoy it instead of having that turn into some kind of "kill joy". It's actually amazing how far back that can go for someone. Sometimes there can be "a thing" that has power over a person that they don't really choose, it's just there in the subconscious mind that is wrapped in confusing emotions.

One movie I think was amazing for it's time and what was known at the time about MI was "The Snakepit". Without using the labels we have now, so much was revealed in that movie and the patience the psychologist had to help the main charector figure out "why" she was struggling so badly that she could not function. He finally helped her figure out "the thing" she carried that could cripple her that she was not aware of.

I wanted to focus more on "the thing" that upsets you. And your husband doesn't understand, and he can get triggered and frustrated, but he does love you and tries. This "thing" is so hard to put into words, but the feeling it causes can be intense, even crippling, much like in that movie that slowly unfolded to where this woman could finally see what it really was. And medications only help so much, often "the thing" has a lot of power and often the medication helps reduce the impact of whatever it might be until we can sort through it and then work on healing and controlling it better.

As always, your words of wisdom ring in my ears.
Thank you for being you!

Well, it would seem I have it all wrong. He says I'm an electrical socket and he's tired of getting shocked. Understandable. I didn't think I was that bad, but apparently I am.

I have a cousin, he's older than me and both he and his mother have battled bipolar so I talk with him frequently about it. Basically he told me I needed to "own my bipolar" if I ever want to learn to control it. I'm not sure what he means, and so far he hasn't answered me yet, but he will, and usually he says things I don't want to hear. 😁

Well you have bipolar and cptsd too. I think what your husband is trying to say is that you can trigger him. It sounds like he loves you yet genuinely gets confused.

Mental illness is no picnic. And others struggle to understand it. People don’t understand unless they experience it for themselves.

I think it’s a step in the right direction that you are trying to listen. I think it’s also a positive that you recovered instead of going on and on with anger etc. Thats a big deal.

The more I pursue answers, the worse it gets. This morning the first thing he said was that he was just waiting for the next meltdown that he's gonna have to deal with. After that it was just all negativity complaining about triggers and I don't remember what all. I was hyperfocused on staying calm.

Well it sounds like he needed to vent some frustration out. Don’t absorb it and just listen and stay calm. Learning to manage your challenge takes time. Remember medication only helps so managing better can happen and it doesn’t happen over night.

It sounds to me like he isn'.t supportive to you through your meltdowns and instead is negative towards you about your illness and all that you go through. Ideally, he would try to support you through each meltdown and he would read up on your MI so he can support you effectively. It seems instead you receive negative remarks and condemnation.

In all fairness, when I lose control, it's really bad, but I do wish he would try harder to understand what mental illness is. He believes he knows, but his ignorance is obvious at times.

This is all new behavior for him. He's always looked after me, reminding me to take my meds and eat something. I have no appetite. That's why none of this makes sense. Why does it bother him now. Is it just that after 25 years of dealing with me, he reached the end of his rope.

He could word it differently. Like he worries about you having more meltdowns or what not. “Gonna have to deal with” is a little harsh. I understand he is tired and it cannot be easy. His delivery is a bit off though.