The ending of my relationship

He doesn’t “think” you are heartless. He knows you aren’t. He says it because he knows in the past he could guilt and manipulate you and he hopes it will work again

If he needs support about something he could see a therapist. Typically separated people in the process of divorce do not offer each other support, unless maybe in regards to kids they share, other than that I don’t see how it’s even reasonable to expect “support”. He is a manipulator

Exactly - he can see a therapist, but of course, to date he has yet to get one, despite telling me repeatedly since July that he will do anything to keep us together, including getting his own therapist. Has he yet? NO. He wants ME to take care of him instead - he wants a mother, not a partner.

And yes, he's trying every manipulative tactic he can think of to wear me down and get me to speak with him. It's not working.

It sounds as though you have set very clear boundries. That's terrific!
Can you set up a folder in your email and have all his emails automatically sent to it? It may help to not have them in your regular inbox. You mentioned he should only email you about your pending divorce, so I get why you need to check the emails even if he isn't respecting that particular boundary.
My ex kept saying he wanted a faster divorce, but he was too busy to file or some other excuse. I got sick of it, called my county family court and within 10 minutes, I found out what form to complete and had an appointment (free of charge) to get help completing the form. Once the form was complete, I paid $100 to file with the court. Taking control was huge deal for me, but it stopped my ex cold in his tracks. It was a massive boundary marker that very clearly screamed "you don't get to mess with my head and emotions anymore."

I hope you stay strong in maintaining the boundaries you set. I hope happiness keeps finding you.

It’s very hard to maintain zero contact. I know it.
I understand what you are living.

Thank you.

That's what I need to do next: go online and ask the court for help filing.

I know at some point communication will completely stop. I can put his emails in another folder, yes, or direct them there so I don't see them all the time. I think in Gmail it means creating a filter.

Yes, it is very hard. Thank you for understanding.

Yep it's hard but I find it's worth it, I did No Contact myself when it got bad enough with a "relationship", and it saved me. I just didn't want to repeat it more in this thread, but I can't emphasise this enough...it really feels so much better (well, relatively, yeah) after you get used to No Contact. No more bad stuff, no more abuse, no more trauma

Awesome about blocking him! Keep going!

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Originally Posted by Alive99 it really feels so much better (well, relatively, yeah) after you get used to No Contact. No more bad stuff, no more abuse, no more trauma

No more drama.

Did you tell him that you would no longer reply, or did you just stop replying?

He's been sending me sob story emails about how he has no friends to talk to, no one to see, and all about how alone and destroyed he is. So I eventually replied, telling him to get a therapist and to talk to a therapist if he's so bad off. Well. then next he tells me he's going to a friend's home for dinner last night and tells me about a concert he's going to with friends! BS he's all alone! He's seeing friends, going to concerts and is getting out! Once again, I got suckered into one of his manipulative ploys to get me to speak with him, and I am pissed.

So I looked up my divorce court in my county and plan on calling them today to ask how do I file for divorce on my own.

I now have filtered his email out of my inbox to another folder so that I won't see his emails anymore.

He still manages to manipulate you. He isn’t all alone and miserable. He is miserable as no one to give him money but other than that he is having fun. Even when he was supposedly distraught by you calling the police, he was lining up romance with a coworker. Everything he says is a lie. But he knows how to guilt you. Go no contact

I think you are doing great at making your needs a priority to yourself. Keep maintaining your boundaries and working toward your goals. Each small step adds up.

Each experience is a "lesson learned" until we have had enough & we put a stop to it all.

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Originally Posted by Have Hope Did you tell him that you would no longer reply, or did you just stop replying?

With the old acquaintance from high school/college I blocked completely, I gave 2 warnings & when they weren't respected, I blocked totally even when another old acquaintance tried to guilt me into reconnecting with the other guy.

No one guilts eskie into anything!

I decided long ago that I would rather have people know exactly where I stand & respect that even if they don't like it or like me because of it than have people disrespect me & think they can manipulate me & treat me like a doormat because I don't take a firm stand & blow with their hor air.

I told him. I also told him I can't be okay with his personality. That is a long story as to why I said that but basically I wanted to push him away/turn him off, I was building that message on his lies because he did this sob story that no one likes his personality, just his traits, to try and get me to be nice to him and "serve" his needs. So my message was to ensure he will not bother to play nice and stuff to placate me or try and keep the "relationship potential" with me or have any relationship with me on his own terms. I made it clear there was NO relationship potential whatsoever anymore. It worked, he understood the message, that I wasn't gonna play along with the sob stories or other "nice" placating ********. I *think* he saw that his lies didn't work on me and he didn't bother to try and figure out what new lie to weave that would be believable enough. It made my No Contact easier. He was so intrusive before it but that message worked.


But maybe that is still too much drama in your case, for you it could be easier to just simply say this is your last message to him to let him know you are done and going No Contact. And then keeping to it and not even reading anything from him. It's not worth the time. Whenever I decided that I was not going to read/hear anything from someone, it always helped. If I tried to read/hear something anyway from those - truly toxic - people, it was never worth it. It was always a waste of time, always a drain on my mental and emotional well-being. They really feed on drama and lies so much. It's just junk, whatever they write/say to you, no usable information whatsoever.



If I were you, I would also arrange all communication about the divorce through a third party. So then it's true No Contact.

Yes. Totally lies. On top of the guy I mentioned, I even had a friendship that I discovered was full of lies like that. I did talk about it in my thread before. But anyway I'm responding to this message of yours because I wanted to say, how hard it is to really face and feel that these are the facts, that it was all just BS and our emotions have to really adjust to that. It's hard and takes time.

Good luck with the divorce filing! Very good decision there.

@divine1966, yes, and that's exactly what I keep thinking. He says he's found God and that he would convert to Christianity now. He keeps leaning on this as being his big "aha" turnaround moment. I don't believe it for one second. I am sure he is lining up the next woman right now, even as he is wooing me to stay together.

@eskielover, I greatly respect this motto! I need to implement this myself. I did tell him I no longer will be emailing him back and to leave me alone from now on.

@Alive99, Thank you.

I did warn him a few times, then went silent. Unless it has to do with divorce, I will not read or reply to his emails.

It IS very draining. I am afraid the toxicity of it all has conditioned me now to accept things I wouldn't normally accept. He has worn me down in every way possible.

So I cannot figure out how to file for divorce on my own. My husband also has our marriage certificate, or his lawyer does. I asked for it back. And I contacted my former lawyer late yesterday to ask how much the fee would be to have him file for divorce for me. I am tired of this and just want to file for divorce. Enough is enough already. I imagine I won't hear from my lawyer until Monday, which is not soon enough for me.

Have you thought about some dating or dating-like expierence? I mean it's all about him trying to make contact, playing games, and you trying to push him back. I can imagine how tired you are expierencing this.

@MisterPaul, thanks and I am very tired. I cannot even imagine dating right now. I feel entirely broken down and damaged.

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Originally Posted by Have Hope So I cannot figure out how to file for divorce on my own. My husband also has our marriage certificate, or his lawyer does. I asked for it back. And I contacted my former lawyer late yesterday to ask how much the fee would be to have him file for divorce for me. I am tired of this and just want to file for divorce. Enough is enough already. I imagine I won't hear from my lawyer until Monday, which is not soon enough for me.

You don't need your marriage certificate to get a divorce. Mine was 2100 miles away & I never needed it to file or to get the divorce.

Basically you fill out a form & you pay to have it filed with the court....you also have to pay to have him served with the papers. Best to hire this to be done. In my case they mailed it registered mail. I had a stupid husband who refused to respond to the first notice so in my state they had to hire a 2nd lawyer just to serve him a 2nd time & he still never responded so they got a court hearing date & the judge just gave me everything that was mine where I live because I had another case against him in the state we lived it because he stole the money from the sale of the house & the judge here had no ability to deal with that. 3 years later I am divorced but still in a legal battle there....but that is not a normal situation. It usually is over easy with just the final dissolution of marriage hearing. Really easy especially when there are no marriage assets to divide