The ending of my relationship

Yeah. I would just say, Have Hope did physically block him, but she hasn't yet mentally blocked him. That may take more time, maybe, I don't know. I'm just saying that as long as Have Hope thinks about what he said, what he thinks, etc etc she's not free of it all yet. She'll have to get to the point where she is easily able to push these thoughts about him out of her mind at will. Until then yes, it will be swimming around in (mental) circles.

Though I do think she'll have to do work processing how he managed to keep her in the relationship. I read the stuff about how it was due to financial concerns but I really doubt that's the whole story. There must be an emotional-psychological side too to it. So she could direct her thoughts to that instead of swimming in these circles. Maybe it would help, just my guess based on what I've had to do myself to process similar things.



And I would say this is also about psychological boundaries. If you realise that your experience and the situation is really about you and your psyche, your feelings, emotions, and you focus on that to figure that out, and focus on your own feelings and own & accept them, rather than focusing on the other person, that sets up a boundary which will help with disengaging from bad patterns (such as the stalemate above) and taking action in effective ways. The above is an example of drawing these boundaries.

Exactly, and that's the part I almost experienced myself. They tried to break me down too. They didn't manage that, I avoided the disaster but it was bad anyway. I got THIS close, but I luckily escaped in time.

I am saying all this because I really don't think Have Hope's husband is a normal person at all. He may very well be a psychopath, I know we don't diagnose here, and I am not doing a diagnosis here, but I have a gut feeling from experience. Sorry that I have to mention such dark things. He really does extreme behaviours.

I stopped explaining it to him - for the last few weeks. I've tried to explain it in about 20 different languages. He finally just recently acknowledged all the hurt and harm he's caused, and that was enough for me to stop.

I've asked him for the marriage certificate, and I've mailed in my application for a copy of it to St Lucia, where we got married. I've also contacted my lawyer to see if he can help me file for divorce and to ask how much that would cost me - but now I realize I need the marriage certificate in order to file. Still, I am taking steps to end this stalemate.

Agreed - he doesn't make any sense. It's a matter of he'll say anything to keep me hoping and hooked on him. At least he can no longer bombard me with his insane texts, or by email. I've put a stop to both now.

Yes - I've drawn these mental boundaries for myself. If I start down the road of thinking about him and how HE feels, I change my thoughts to focus on myself and how I feel.

He does still have some sort of an emotional hold on me, but that's natural, as you said, and will fade in time. I know it's only because I am alone now and feel lonely at times.

My very first post in this thread was about how I've disappeared after dealing with my abusive, self absorbed and self centered husband. And yes, he could be a psychopath, I do not really know, but I am doing anything and everything lately to get myself back.

Yesterday, I drove myself to the beach and hung out solo for an hour, listening to my music. I've been decorating my apartment to my liking now that he's gone, and I've bought several pieces of artwork, new bed sheets, a new bed cover, a rug and some other things to decorate the way I prefer and love. I am listening to my own music, and I am watching uplifting sermons on TV that help to ground me in who I am. I feel myself very slowly coming back, but it's taking time.

He does seem to steal my thoughts, so I try to redirect my thoughts back to myself every time I find myself ruminating on him or on how HE feels. I am creating mental boundaries now in order to heal, to focus on myself and to bring myself back to life. It's not easy to do... like on my drive to the beach I found myself wondering about him, and I had to purposefully stop myself and think about something else.

Not seeing his posts on Facebook is helping A LOT. And stopping him from texting me is helping a LOT. I finally have breathing room to focus on ME. He had flooded me with so many messages all about him, that I got sucked into thinking only about him. It's time to think about myself, take care of myself and recover.

These are very positive steps and I predict they will bear fruit.

Good work particularly to bring your thoughts back from him to the present. Every time you do this, no matter how often it happens, you are enhancing your mindfulness. Give yourself a high five each time!

I know in my situation it was easier to not think about my EX because I was 2100 miles away in a new home on a farm in a new town & I realized months later I was NEVER thinking about him. I was told all my life that absence makes the heart grow fonder.... lol....I KNEW THEN that absence was the absolute best thing I ever did. Now only time I think about him is when I am still dealing with the legal battles & the financial things he has done that are still screwing me up financially. The rest of the time though my wonderful environment fills up my thoughts.

You will get to that point & the mindfulness you are doing to redirect your thoughts is great

@Bill3, thanks so much for the validation.

I am giving myself high fives every time I redirect my thoughts and energy away from him. The more I do this, the better I feel!

Thanks @eskielover. Your personal story gives me hope and inspiration. I am really looking forward to getting to the point where he's not on my mind at all and doesn't even cross my mind. Until then, I will keep redirecting my thoughts away from him so that I do not dwell in the negative. That's precisely what I wish to avoid at this point - swimming in negative thoughts of the past vs thinking positively about my present and bright future.

I never got that far with the guy I had in my life. Glad you got that out of him at least. That there was some persistence lol, with trying to explain so many times.




Thanks for this post. I agree he knew how to try and manipulate people to get them to focus on him. Really good that you didn't let him do that anymore. And this post, yeah, I like your attitude and I said thanks for it because I want to feel the same way (not about him because I'm past him but my other traumatic relationship because I'm still dealing with that one sometimes from time to time and I had to process more about it recently so this topic is very timely for me). I think I've already started doing it about this other relationship (not romantic), i.e turning away from the negatives and focusing on the positive in the present and in the future, but your post gives me good energy anyway.

He still tries to blame me, however.

And thanks.

Sometimes we just have to push forward and focus on all the good things in life vs our hurts and pains from the past. The joy burns out the pain.

Sooooooooooo..... please don't come down on me for this since it's the last thing I need. But yesterday he had to pick up more belongings from my home (yes, there were a couple more boxes I found in our attic space), and I last minute decided to come outside to greet him. We haven't seen each other since breaking up over a month ago because I have refused to see him. The motivation to do so now was to finally see him and face him after the breakup.

We talked for about 20 minutes - most of it was Ok and amicable. But when we began talking about us, which inevitably he brought up, it wasn't so amicable. He told me that I cannot get over the past, and that's why we broke up. So of course, he's still throwing the blame my way by saying you're the one who cannot get past things. So I turned it around on him and told him: you caused too much damage for 2.5 years of our relationship for me to move forward.

So, of course, we're playing the blame game, with him still clearly not taking responsibility for our marriage ending. What can I expect? Nothing from him except blame. Of course he blames me; otherwise, he would have to own up to all of the abuse and that would shatter his already frail ego and false image.

I also asked him if he's in therapy yet, and of course the answer is no. He won't ever go, I am sure of it, despite ALL his clams that he will.

So today I feel some amount of peace after having seen him, and I feel I did the right thing by doing so. I wished him well, and I wished his father well. I feel good about it. I finally took the high road and I feel that's a better place to be than feeling bitter and angry.

And.... I last minute received a ticket for a concert with a whole group of our mutual friends for Friday night. I told him I am going, and even though he doesn't know I'll be with probably around 20 of our friends, he tried to get me to feel badly for him by telling me he's only going with one friend and that he won't be mingling with any other friends. What a total manipulator. And for a minute, I felt guilty until I realized that's exactly what he was trying to achieve. He has plenty of friends - he has a huge circle of good friends, while I do not and he knows this. He even went last weekend to spend time with some of his closest friends, and he had dinner at another friend's home last week. He's making it seem like there's no one for him to hang out with, when it's sooo not even the case. He truly astounds me how manipulative he is - each and every time. He will do anything to pull on my heartstrings to guilt me into feeling sorry for him. Well, I don't. He's got plenty of friends around, so don't even try to make me feel guilty. I'm the one who is more alone than he is.

I don't know anyone who regrets taking the high road in the long run. You chose what makes you feel peaceful. That's a great choice to make!

Sometimes there are reasons to have controlled contact. And it sounds like you were the one in control. Keep moving forward to your peaceful happy future.

@RollercoasterLover, thank you! It does feel better to take the high road! Whenever I've been badly hurt in the past, I've ended things very bitterly. This time is different, and I feel good about my decision to see him last night. It kind of tied a nice bow on the whole relationship, and I can now pack it up into a box and send it down the river.

I am open to new adventures and new friends and am excited for my future.

He won't go to therapy and even if he did, don't expect him to change substantially in the next 10 years or so.

I don't know if I'd wish anyone well or assume such nice things like maybe they are going to therapy, if they had done enough terrible things.

In such a case my goal would only be, not be bitter and angry about the rest of the world. But stay angry about the terrible, immoral things committed, to keep up boundaries about such things in future. I don't mean the anger would have to be expressed (or if expressed it would have to be controlled enough), it's simply my own feeling inside, to protect me.

But that's me. Maybe you deal with these things differently. I agree, don't become bitter/angry about the whole world just because of him. To me, that's enough of a high road. Some people never get over their negativity from such experiences and will project them into other situations and people instead.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alive99 He won't go to therapy and even if he did, don't expect him to change substantially in the next 10 years or so. I don't know if I'd wish anyone well or assume such nice things like maybe they are going to therapy, if they had done enough terrible things. In such a case my goal would only be, not be bitter and angry about the rest of the world. But stay angry about the terrible, immoral things committed, to keep up boundaries about such things in future. I don't mean the anger would have to be expressed (or if expressed it would have to be controlled enough), it's simply my own feeling inside, to protect me. But that's me. Maybe you deal with these things differently. I agree, don't become bitter/angry about the whole world just because of him. To me, that's enough of a high road. Some people never get over their negativity from such experiences and will project them into other situations and people instead.

I tend to agree with this probably only because I am still being messed up by the STUPID choices my now EX has made that are still screwing up my life financially & I have been divorced 3 years now though the marriage assets were never resolved in the still pending court case.

I actually had an interesting & civil conversation. With him 3 years ago when I was there for the court hearing. Civil but my concept of him making STUPID choices has never been changed only reinforced. You can be civil & still dislike their behavior & everything still reinforce that being outtake the marriage was a very WISE decision. Lol....I can be civil to people I don't even like & my EX is an example of that though before I left 14 years ago all I saw was literally RED when I had to deal with him.

It was kinda entertaining when I went back, I found out from him that in his arrogant mind when I left 14 years ago, he was sure I would come back to him in 2 years. Like he thought I was having a mid life crisis or something. He said when I didn't come back in 2 years he guessed he did have something to do with my leaving. Ya think!!!! Just proved that he really NEVER heard any of the things I said was wrong in the marriage & thought by magic the problems would disappear because we weren't together. Some people are fools & will be fools all their life...in his case, even with a PDOC & therapy.

It is nice to end things on a positive note but he is going to have a rude awakening still because of his poor choices & a contempt charge is nothing to be messed around with in his case. There comes a point where the consequences of his poor choices are going to smack him over the head & given all the crap I have dealt with, I feel no guilt in making it happen.....while I seriously love my life & the community I live in but he has tied my hands financially as long as I am willing to tolerate.

Be glad you never owned a house together.

Yes. When the damage is long lasting, you can't just forget about it quickly. It's a lesson learned for life.

I can be civil to people even when I'm angry inside. With well-controlled anger this is easy enough to do. I would think that kind of civility is very different from being outright nice and kind and well-wishing.

With people with bad behaviour patterns (abuser or not), they could have their bad, harmful past behaviours reinforced if you act too nice and kind with them. This is independent of whether they intentionally want to be reinforced about them or not. Could be a totally unintentional and automatic effect.

Also, acting nice, kind, well-wishing in my opinion poses a risk for keeping proper, distant enough boundaries and protecting from further harm.

To guys, kindness could even inadvertently send a message that you are still open to something with them. It's not direct enough for many guys. (I'm not talking about your husband, he's already learned over the years that you are NOT coming back)

Oh and you only seeing RED...familiar to me, ha ha, I had that phase myself with such people. I get what you mean. It feels great when you become able to control that anger and are able to behaviours that are constructive for your goals and maintain healthy boundaries and all that, despite feeling angry.

Ha ha ha good. I've wondered before if the guy I did the No Contact with figured out eventually that I was just not going to come back.

Yeah sounds like a lot of pain in the ****** with him. Good luck with dealing with him.

This has been such a long time coming and such a long process that I am pretty much over the bitterness I used to feel. I am not really angry anymore and I am not really bitter anymore. It is what it is and it's now over. I can finally move on in my life and can make it far better for myself now. That's something to celebrate.

Having said that, today I felt enormous waves of sadness. Seeing him again was like the final goodbye. And now I feel the grief.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope Having said that, today I felt enormous waves of sadness. Seeing him again was like the final goodbye. And now I feel the grief.

I found it personally helped me to put definition to those grief feelings I felt.....grief has stages....always a personal benefit to "for yourself" define those feelings more in depth within yourself

Well, I've been through the anger and rage phase.... I've cried and I've grieved already... and now it's more acceptance that it's really over and it's hitting home to the point of feeling an overall sadness. I am sure that this phase too shall pass.

I did have a guy friend contact me out of the blue. We slept together once about three years ago before I met my husband on a random whim one night. I had known him as a friend for years. So out of the blue he contacts me, telling me he had a dream about me the other night, One thing led to another in our conversation, and now I may be seeing him next week. An interesting turn of events, to say the least.

I would just beware of doing anything that could be held against you in divorce court before your divorce is final. Be WISE.