The ending of my relationship

You can obtain a copy of marriage certificate if need to but I don’t think you need it. Why would his lawyer have your marriage certificate. Call your county probate and family court and ask for help to file or look up forms online, fill them in and ask courts how to file it

Get a no-fault 1B divorce | Mass.gov Or you do 1-a divorce if he agrees. It does ask for copy of marriage certificate, you can get a copy

Thanks @eskielover and @divine1966!

That's great to know I don't need the marriage certificate to file. My husband asked for it months ago to give to his lawyer, so his lawyer has it. Since we were married in St Lucia, it could take some time to get a copy, but if I don't need it to just file, then great.

I would have to get a no-fault 1B divorce if I file. And I know my husband will drag his heels on filing with his lawyer as long as possible, so I might as well do it myself. I am going to go back online this morning to see what I need. If I still cannot figure it out, I will ask my lawyer for help.

Ok, I just looked it up online - in order to file for divorce, I need a copy of my marriage certificate in my state. ARGH!

Web Portal of the Government of Saint Lucia

You don’t need to be married in your state in order to be divorced in your state. Just order a copy of marriage certificate from wherever you got married 5-10 business days and you’ll have it

@divine1966 Thank you!!!! I downloaded the application and am mailing it in. There is no way to submit the form online, so I have to mail it in, which will take more time. Best that I do this regardless and not wait on my husband.

I agree! Keep moving forward on the paperwork without him.

@Bill3 - absolutely. I know my husband, and I'm betting he won't lift a finger to get us filed for divorce. We'll see if he actually produces the marriage certificate for me.

The one wanting the divorce is the one who usually does the filing whether it is no fault or otherwise. From communication you have had with your husband, he doesn't want a divorce so why would he consider filing?

ALWAYS do what you want & don't depend on others to do what you want especially when it isn't what they want They have no incentive to do what you want or are waiting for them to do.

@eskielover, SO true! And I've come to realize this over time. I've been waiting on him this whole time. Granted, we were back together for 2 months recently and I just broke up with him again only 1 month ago. But it's time to file now. Enough of this waiting on him business.

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Originally Posted by Have Hope @eskielover, SO true! And I've come to realize this over time. I've been waiting on him this whole time. Granted, we were back together for 2 months recently and I just broke up with him again only 1 month ago. But it's time to file now. Enough of this waiting on him business.

I learned awhile ago. Never wait for someone else to do something you want done. Just do it yourself & get it done.

I tried for 33 years to get my now EX to do things, thinking he needed to learn how to do things but the things he did (mostly financial) I had to go back & clean up the mess he made anyway.

Lol.... Think that is why I love living alone cause there is no one but me to mess things up & I know what I am doing if I do. The one thing I took away from my marriage into my living alone is that I had no one to put expectations on or to try to depend on & the good thing is that it made me totally take on the responsibility for my own life & learn to TRUST my own capabilities a lot more. I get help from professionals for things I can't do myself. (My mechanic was more than willing to remove the screws on my truck tail light I was replacing because they were too rusted for me to remove with the tools I have). I limit the help I need to exactly those things I can't do or don't want to spend time doing now instead of constantly nagging the H to get it done when in reality he probably never intended on doing it in the first place.

@eskielover, thank you for your post. I used to be far more independent for a number of years, then I met my husband, and I became more and more dependent on him. We were tied to the hip. So now I must rely on only myself again. I see this as a good thing.

I'm struggling with an issue. Last fall when we broke up with his infidelity being the last straw, I was able to hold him accountable for his actions, including the abuse. I finally felt I had a voice after two years of not having a voice. I was able to hold this over him for being the reason why our marriage was ending.

But now, this second go around, because he "found God" and was "so good" to me, I have no voice or power anymore. There is nothing I can hold him accountable for because he claims he's been nothing but loving and kind to me in recent months.

I know with abusers there IS no accountability, so I already know this. It won't help me if people tell me to not expect him to take responsibility because I know he will not.

What angers me is that now I am in a far more powerless position than I was before. Before, I was able to hold it over him and make him accountable, and now I don't have a leg to stand on with him. He has repeatedly told me how he's dramatically changed and how he's come before Jesus and God to make amends and to make things right with me.

I'm just really angry that I've lost the position I used to hold over him, and now I feel powerless all over again and without a voice.

With abusers, there is no accountability, and I am left feeling and experiencing the injustice of it all.

What do you mean you feel powerless? You have the POWER to get the divorce & end this crap once & for all. You hold ALL THE POWER & CONTROL over your own future & that is really the ONLY power that counts.

@eskielover thank you. I needed to hear exactly this message this morning.

Just more empty promises. I think if he truly wanted to make things right, he “coulda, shoulda, woulda” straightened himself out while you were still married; the whole finding God stuff just smacks of his desperation to keep his hooks in you.
Your power lies in knowing you can’t hold him accountable (because he doesn’t want to be!), and making your own choices based on that - choices that would benefit you, because he certainly isn’t looking out for your best interests. He may try and throw down road blocks, but there’s almost always a way around!

There comes a time when choosing personal happiness means letting go of being right, especially when you can't be both. You are allowed to want to be happy. If your marriage makes you miserable, you are allowed to not want to be married. I don't think it matters why you're unhappy. I know from personal experience that using another person's infidelity over them makes you feel like you're in control. In reality, the infidelity is in control and it sounds like you may use it as a weapon. I get that you want to hurt him back. Revenge is not happiness.

My father told me before he died that marriage is not a two way street. Its a car on a 10 lane highway moving in both directions merging onto a one lane country road in a constant loop. It takes work by both people to navigate things. Its complicated, messy, and chaotic. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

1. He was abusive for years, you can hold him accountable for that.

2. Allegedly finding God at this late date doesn't change the abusive past.

3. If he were truly religious he would want and pray for what is best for you, he would not not being using God as a tool to shame you and drag you back to him.

4. You don't need to justify your decision to divorce to him or to anyone.

My suggestion is to keep moving forward on your own on the divorce, and to block and not respond to whatever methods of communication he uses to feed you his claims and demands.

Sooo true and I’ve told him this recently - how come you never made a change all that time when I made it clear that changes were needed? He can only say that losing me had an impact on him. Oh yeah and now he claims he’s found God? Come on - get real. Yes, yet another ploy.

I DO feel slightly more empowered by blocking him and by seriously limiting all contact. And walking away is helping me to feel empowered too. So maybe I’m not as disempowered as I had thought just this morning.

It’s not that I want to hurt him back. I want him to know that too much damage occurred and that it’s truly not fixable. And I don’t use his infidelity at all as a weapon. Instead, I’m still very hurt by that in addition to all other hurtful and damaging behaviors and treatment. It’s that I want him to understand that a few weeks of good behavior in no way makes up for all the harm and hurt he caused. I’ve wanted him to know that he’s hurt me greatly in this marriage, which he does now know and acknowledge.

Thanks Bill! Excellent words of wisdom and advice. I’m feeling far better than I was when I posted this morning when I felt completely disempowered. I realize my strength lies in leaving him and in ceasing all forms of contact. Both these things are in fact most empowering. It’s like I’m taking my life back.

I feel like this is because you are still connected to him on an emotional or mental level somewhere. This is normal and it will go away over time. No Contact will help with disengaging completely in this sense too. This IMO is why you feel No Contact is empowering for you, and yes, it's about taking your life back.




I don't understand - he claimed he did enough good for you in the last few weeks, but he also understands he's hurt you greatly? I guess he doesn't understand it enough then. But that's not your problem. IMO don't try to explain to him more about it, as it would invite more abuse. I made that mistake myself, I tried to get him to accept responsibility and he just tried to emotionally and mentally abuse me some more in response. I would have been way better off if I had left right away without first trying to get him to understand and admit to his responsibility. This way I have had to heal just that many more injuries, emotional&mental alike.

Really good point. I noticed that if you don't have anything (or not enough things) to compare to in terms of behaviour and you've already been abused mentally and emotionally, then this stuff can be really gaslighty, claiming that they do these good things while they don't really. It's great how we can remind Have Hope of how it's all ********, even if she knows it is, it must be helping if she hears it from us too. It helped me too back then, a friend I knew back then was really good at it and with that he really helped me leave and not look back even if it was such a harsh truth too (at the time, in the state I was in), the things he was saying about how there was ***** going on.

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Originally Posted by Have Hope It’s not that I want to hurt him back. I want him to know that too much damage occurred and that it’s truly not fixable. And I don’t use his infidelity at all as a weapon. Instead, I’m still very hurt by that in addition to all other hurtful and damaging behaviors and treatment. It’s that I want him to understand that a few weeks of good behavior in no way makes up for all the harm and hurt he caused. I’ve wanted him to know that he’s hurt me greatly in this marriage, which he does now know and acknowledge.

The thing is, just like with him, talk is actually meaningless at this point. He knows what you have said( too damaged to recover the relationship) & you know what he says (I've changed)

You don't see his changed behavior & he doesn't see you ending the marriage. That is called "stalemate " not "checkmate"

For either of your words to mean anything to the other, ACTION must be taken appropriate with the words you are saying. Right now you are both just swimming in pointless circles.

Exactly what I was doing before I made my move & left & started a new independent life of my own

Not sure in what way he has the power and you are powerless. Don’t see it. What kind of power does he have that you don’t? So what he thinks he is so great and you are still divorcing him. Its not uncommon to divorce “great” people. You aren’t happy and simply don’t want to be married. Good enough reason. And he was telling you he was the greatest on the very first date. Nothing changed. He still thinks he is the greatest.

Oh he now believes in G-d, oh please. Who cares. Not that long ago just few months back he was drugged up on cocaine using money you gave him from your apartment deposit. So drugged up his nose was bleeding and that was money he was supposed to use for movers to get his crap. Please. What changed? He is clean now?

Is he saying he is now great husband because he is Christian all of a sudden. Please. How do you become of a different faith in few months? And is he saying Christians are all great husbands. Before he was Christian he was terrible? What’s he even trying to say. It doesn’t sit well with me. He makes zero sense and whatever the heck he says is pf no importance

File for divorce. No listening to him anymore. He’ll say anything to break you down . You now think you are powerless. That’s how he gets to you. No more talking to him is the only way