My bio dad only contacts me to ruin my birthday each year

It's my birthday, and I never feel like celebrating my birthday. The reason I don't feel like celebrating my birthday is because historically my parents have made it about them. My bio dad now ruins my birthday every year by making it the one day a year he tries to communicate with me, sending me some random message saying "Happy birthday, love Dad." Okay, but you don't get to love me one day a year because it makes you feel special you had a kid and you think you're a dad. He refused all my attempts at having a relationship, and now he thinks he gets some right to communicate with me on my birthday every year like I want to hear from him. It triggers me every birthday because he doesn't love me. His love is conditional, and on my birthday he loves me because it's a day he gets to recognize that he had a daughter, and look at all the things he did for me. Right....Tomorrow he'll go back to hating me and the discard.

I have worked so hard to be free of the abuse and trauma, and to work through the cPTSD, the OCD, all these disorders that he GAVE me with his abuse and narcissistic love. And on my 41st birthday, and last year on my 40th birthday, he sends these random messages, having not spoken to me or tried to reach out to me otherwise, like I should somehow respond positively to them.

He hurt me, and he knows he hurt me. The only way I'd consider responding is if he send a message that acknowledged an ounce of his bad behavior, but even then, I've grieved the father I never had. And there is nothing healthy for me in a relationship with him or contact with him. I don't want it.

Last year at this time I was about to go through with changing my name, but all the courts had closed. It's time to get an appointment with the court to deal with this, change my name, own my life and my future.

Not an ounce. That's what's so galling about it.

I dont follow. Not an ounce of what? Remorse? Or love?

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I’m so sorry, seesaw. Are the courts opening again now? I sincerely hope the name change helps bring you some peace and healing. I have a friend who has been through some big life events the last year or so, who also changed her name, and she described it as the person with her previous name being very tired and needing to rest.

You can schedule an appointment with the clerk. I have all the paperwork completed. It's quite an ordeal bc you have to change your name everywhere, like with social security, etc.

I'm going to plan to do it in June when I can give full attention to the process and getting it done everywhere at once, bank accounts, social security, etc.

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I hope it all goes smoothly, then!

Well actually it’s no different then changing your name when you marry. Your are free to change your name to something you like so even signing your name has no connection or reminders.

Yes, but it still requires doing it everywhere. And it is a bit different I'm the work burden as well as getting the petition approved.

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We've blocked phone numbers, changed our phone numbers, etc. to block my husband's family from doing these drive-by phone assaults at random times. Something to consider.

Yeah, I know. He already doesn't have my phone number because I changed it and didn't give it to him. These aren't phone calls I'm complaining about.

For one main reason that I dont want to discuss I have to leave him the ability to email me. It's the only way he can contact me.

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Me too! It's just a lot of paperwork to stay on top of. Have to deal with bank, DMV, changing name on insurance and with certain communication providers to change emails, etc.

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Sorry. You wrote, that he would write a message that acknowledged an ounce of his bad behaviour.

And none of that non-apology bs, "i know i wasnt always the best parent"! Just admit, "yeah i purposely effed with your head because it was so easy."

I don't know if he did it because it was easy or just because that's what he does to everyone. He's great at manipulating people.

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Yeah that was part of what my family did. I just needed a statement to balance the "not ALWAYS the BEST parent", which is the typical Dr Phil show line.

How about "you were never the best parent and quite often not only the worst parent but a monster"?

I'm having flashbacks and other symptoms now. Ug.

This has just been really upsetting and triggering. Trying to focus on work, but it's really hard because of flashbacks, etc.

I am sorry (((seesaw))) because I know how a toxic person can trigger an unwanted cycle of reliving crap we don’t want to relive. I experience that every time I have to deal with my sister. It’s why I just want her out of my life and have been working towards that goal.

Yeah, I need to change my name and get him out of my life permanently. The reason I can't block all emails is because I owe him a small amount of money that he loaned me when I was seeking medical care and on SSDI. I'm going to make a concerted effort to set aside that money over the next few months, send it to him, and be done finally forever.

Understand.

When a toxic person has control its normal to completely want to break away.

That is what I have been working on when it comes to my older sister. People who blow up at me and rage are people I want out of my life.

Seesaw, I didn’t know you were younger then me, you always seemed older!

My ex fiancé changed his last name from his dad.

I didn’t change mine back after I divorced even though my dad would have been pleased. I kept my married name for my daughter.

Name change is a big deal!

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I don't think you're that much older than me, if I recall correctly. I'm 41, so, old enough, lol.

Yeah, it's on my list to get done.

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I’m 45.

I had to block my dad again tonight because he used language with me I’ve asked him many times not to. He sent me a blog post that triggered me that he says was aimed at his neighbors.

I didn’t tell him I blocked him, just that he continued to use language and talk about issues I asked him not to repeatedly.

I’ll check in with him on Father’s Day.

Yeah, we are only a few years off, which is what I recalled.

I suspect you thought I was older because with all the abuse I've been through, well, hard knocks age you, right? We've both been through them.

I never told my bio dad that I changed my phone number. I just didn't give it to him. He has my physical address and email address. But I don't want him having the ability to get me by phone.

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The project you mentioned above--save up money, pay him back, permanently block--sounds good to me!

That's the plan. After I finish school in June, I may take on a few extra gigs and work some extra hours to do it faster. Otherwise it will probably take me a year. But 2-3 extra gigs would get it done in 2-3 months.