My bio dad only contacts me to ruin my birthday each year

The main reason to completely disconnect is that it frees you from being a part of the others persons dysfunctional way of interacting. This is especially true when the other person just continues navigating in a dysfunctional way and expects others to just go along with it.

This is often what addicts practice which is so unhealthy. Even for those who get sober, they have to really work on changing their dysfunctional habits while self medicating. And part of that is developing a habit of blaming others when things don’t work out. It requires actually growing up instead of just self medicating when challenges arise. And being willing to see ones own part of the dysfunction.

Your father is not interested in recognizing his dysfunctional behaviors. When it comes to that kind of person even if it’s a parent or family member a complete disconnect is necessary.

I definitely see this. Sometimes I think my bio dad may be a dry drunk. He does have a cigarette addiction, which I know some people would shrug off as being problematic, but he can be violent when he needs his "fix". He smokes a few packs a day, and he can be violent when he starts to go into withdrawal. I did some research on this once, and withdrawal actually starts within 20 minutes of the last cigarette, which pretty much lines up with what I experienced as a child with his abuse.

IIRC, the nicotine level in your urine drops. I remember a gf telling me that (about her and her h).

How old is he? Hardly none of the guys i dated in high school who smoked are still alive. I'm 69.

He's 67 IIRC.

One of the things I have had to learn in dealing with my sister is that she will never admitt to her lies and dysfunctional behaviors. It’s simply a waste of effort on my part to think there is a way to get that kind of outcome from her.

My sister is simply not capable and it’s not only me that sees this about her. Often the true win with a person like this is distance completely. That means completely disengaging.

Seesaw, would it help to not open his email? Just delete it without opening it?

That worked for me. I used to save my snail mail to open in my t's office.

Yes, except as I said earlier in the thread, I owe him a small amount of money so I have to keep some form of him being able to reach me open. I will set a filter to delete anything he sends after I have paid back that small loan.

What a ****ing arsehole. So this is what he does to hoover me back in. Because I don't respond to his birthday email, he emails my brother (who I also don't have a relationship with) and LIES saying I don't respond to him, when the fact is any time there has been a message that requires a response I have responded, but his lame birthday message did not require a response.

He sends this message this morning. I've redacted the first paragraph, which was to my brother about their political disagreements and how he wishes they could have a relationship again (Dude, get a clue. None of your kids want anything to do with you. You aren't ****ing trying at all either.)

So this is all a lie. In late 2015, at my Uncle's behest (The one who died) I reached out to my bio dad to try and patch things up. He was nonresponsive through a 5 minute conversation. I told my uncle I tried, and left it at that.

Then my uncle died in early 2018. My bio dad reached out to me for help with the funeral because I lived in the city my uncle was being buried in. I agreed to help with the funeral arrangements. In the course of that communication, we texted a few jokes. It seemed like there might be a mild reconciliation so we could at least be congenial. Nope. After the funeral I texted him to thank him for lunch, and he responded "thank Cousin Lisa, she paid" and that was it. Nothing else. And the tone of the text (that's not the full text) was basically, "no, we're done again. I got what I needed from you and now I don't need you anymore."

I determined after that point that I was no longer interested in dealing with him and the abuse.

I responded with this to both my brother and bio father this morning. He totally emailed my brother and copied me to bait me. And it worked, slightly. But I won't be responding anymore.

And remember, he's doing all this around my birthday. It's typical NPD parent behavior to ruin someone's holiday and make it all about themselves. I was on a subreddit for people raised by narcissists and I went on their on my birthday to ask about this and incredibly someone had posted just a few minutes before I logged in about the same thing.

Screw it. I'd rather owe the government money than him. I have some leftover money in my SSDI account that I'm waiting to repay (waiting for SSA to ask for it to be repaid). I'm going to take out some of it and send it to him and call it done. I'd rather owe the government than him.

Individuals that are toxic/dysfunctional in some way only view things having value or are important only if they value or see things as important. When it comes to engaging they only do so when THEY need it and they don’t consider the needs of others. They lack respect and tend to send messages of how your needs are a burden. They tend to decide it’s a big deal when they do decide to give and that giving means expecting.

Your father decided that he could get your attention by suggesting you may get money from your uncles estate. What he is actually revealing however is that is something that would get HIS attention.

You try to consider other people’s needs and challenges and values but your father doesn’t know how to engage like that. He functions based on his own needs and uses techniques to make people think he cares but in reality his motivation is more about his own needs.

Yeah, OE, he responded back with more gaslighting and saying "communication is a two-way street" and he doesn't ever want to rehash things.

Well, that doesn't work. You hurt me. You and my brother both try to play this game where you don't want to "rehash" things, but what you really mean is you have no intent of dealing with the hurt you caused and actually acknowledging it. You just want to pick up and have a new relationship and have me pretend like you didn't hurt me. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. If I were even ever going to consider having any kind of communication or relationship, there would be rehashing, because if you love me, then you care how I feel, and you care that you hurt me. I'm not pretending that I'm perfect. I know I did hurtful things. And I'm willing to discuss them. But I'm not entering into a false relationship to make you feel better.

It was full of gaslighting and guilt-tripping. And I'm not responding.

I'm taking money out of my SSDI savings and sending it to him for the loaned amount, and telling him that I consider our relationship complete.

It's really incredible. He's trying to insinuate that I won't "try". Dude, I already tried. You don't get to try now because you've decides it hurts you or you're lonely. You shouldnhave thought about what you'd regret all those years you were abusing me.

**** you.

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What's also incredible is that in his response to me he basically admits he lied in his first email to my brother that he copied me on.

He ignores where I remind him how many times I actually tried to have conversations with him. And he says "at least he tried" because the last 2 birthdays he texted "happy birthday"? That's a meaningless communication from someone whose last words to me were "you belong in a group home."

He wants to bait me into defending myself against him to my brother. Well, news flash, I don't care what either of you think or say. Tell the world whatever the hell you want. I don't care. I don't need to defend who I am to that small, cruel man because he all of a sudden wants attention.

I'm not responding to his email response. It doesn't require a response (no request for information or needing to confirm anything for legal or administrative purposes).

I'm also not trying to hurt him. But I am trying to protect myself.

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This is all just really upsetting today. I'm proud of myself for not responding any further to him, but I've had to go lay down this morning instead of getting anything done. Could really use some validation and moral support.

My last t told me that r d laings theory of crazymaking was debunked. I think it was debunked by crazymakers.

Personally I wouldnt send him any money. Unless all this contact is his way of asking for it back?

Im really sorry you are going thru this. what kind of support would be helpful? I tend to roll up into a ball for 3 months when these things happen, so i dont know how helpful i can be!

Well, since I'm doing daily therapy right now I had a session with my T. It was helpful. I'm feeling better about it.

No, I definitely have to send the money, because it's hanging over my head like some obligation. I can end the crazymaker by just finishing this and being done.

I guess just support that I'm not a bad daughter, validation that it IS gaslighting, and he is a lying liar who lies. I mean, he basically admitted that he lied in his response back to me. This whole thing was to bait me into something. He could have simply emailed me and asked me for my address. Instead he goes to my brother and says I won't respond to him when he hasn't even asked me for my address? BS.

Well, since you compare him to the SSA, I would take it a step further and think of him as the IRS 2.0. A big pain in the *** in the spring.

But one day you will be rid of him, and you will gain back two of the most beautiful months of the year. Ive only recently begun to have april and may, since my mothers birthday was in may.

Everything with a bs parent is bs. THAT would be a good book title.

I discussed with my therapist sending the money from my SSA account and he agreed that it would give me peace of mind and allow me to fully disconnect and move on.

Part of me wants to have the argument with him. Wants to list out all the harmful things he's done, bring up all the childhood abuse, put it all out there in detail for him to refute. The problem is that you can't argue with a narcissist. He will deflect, change the subject, throw strawmen. Even this morning, when I pointed out that I had tried to reach out and given up, he ignored that and made it out that I wasn't trying, etc. He even signed his last email "with no pretense." The whole damn thing is pretense! His initial email was wholly a pretense because he sent it under the auspices that I didn't respond to him and then he admitted he hadn't even tried to reach out to me!

He is so disordered that he can't even see his own pretense. He literally reached out under a pretense then says "with no pretense."

I swear my brain can't even do enough somersaults to keep up with whatever distorted, dysfunctional thinking this is.

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You said it, he’s a narcissist . That’s what you’re gonna get. Make a clean break with returning the money and then you’ll be on equal footing and can go from there. He’s definitely a dysfunctional parent. A functional parent wouldn’t want the money back.

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You are absolutely right. I'm going to take care of it all on Monday. I have to move money in my bank. And I want them to issue the check directly. So I will call them and have them help me handle it.

Just saw this and I so feel it.


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