Stonewalling effects in adulthood

My ex fiancé is stonewalling me yet again. Being stonewalled in a relationship is abusive, end of sentence. It’s one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse in relationships.

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Gottman's book describes the physiology of men doing stonewalling in arguments (women can do it too). It refers to how things have gone very negative to the point that all the emotions of the stonewaller have to be walled off, and so yes it's part of the four horsemen - Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Or maybe your ex is just selfish and just doesn't want to bother with talking to you, instead of being overwhelmed and flooded by emotion.

I do wish you luck in resolving the issue with him! Maybe talk to him through a third party? I don't know your situation though.

That relationship is over. He claims he broke up with me twice. The first time I begged and pleaded to get back together with him. I’m not doing that again. He wants to make me responsible for the failure of the relationship even though the first time I left him cause he was still married and the second time because he was homeless, both times he lied to me. I’m just saying stonewalling is devastating , I’ve been on the receiving end. He refused to see a couples counselor when it was time, claimed it was a third party in the relationship, refused a therapeutic separation. That relationship caused me the loss of other relationships. It’s over.

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I'm really sorry, that sounds like a lot of horrible things to have gone through. I understand you about the stonewalling feeling really terrible too. I did have a bf too who stonewalled too or whatever it was he was doing, and I never figured out what the reason for it was. Like I was ignored a lot even if there wasn't an argument or anything, even if I just tried to talk to him about something that excited me, etc. And yes, it felt horrible.

I learned to try to stop trying to figure it out , from anonymous programs and various online survivor groups. The worst thing is makes it hard to try to have a normal relationship afterwards , it all seems boring in comparison to the constant drama. Narcissists love excitement.

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