[hedgehoggy]

Hi all,
I'm new to this forum, as I found it while looking for information on the net that could help me out. For anyone who reads this and has some ideas, many thanks in advance.

My issue concerns the relationship with my sister. She is younger than I am and we seem to have a hard time letting go of our family patterns in our 30ies.

My sister often seeks me for advice, sharing emotions, writing me whenever she feel stressed etc. I am in general happy to help out, but since the last year or so it has become so intense that I sometimes feel like she wants me to live her life or to be her emotional assistant. The other way round, it feels like I can never rely on her whenever I feel down: she always rationalizes my problems or provides superficial solutions that I have most of the time thought of myself. At some point, I had given up hope on any empathetic reaction.

To do something about this inbalance, I have been setting boundaries, with the result that she now feels the exact way as I has been feeling about her and we have had some very painful arguments. I have been harsh to her when she felt most vulnerable, because I couldn't stand all her drama any longer, and this really hurt her in a way that she thinks I totally dislike and disapprove of her.

We had some painful but somewhat consolidating discussions now, but I am very afraid of returning to old family sorrow that might isolate me in the family. I've often felt like the black sheep and my sister is much closer to my parents than I am. I think my parents see me primarily as the one hurting her, and as I am the responsible sister I feel like once more I will need to swallow my needs and frustrations when my parents will want to mediate.

We will soon spend a lot of time as a family together and I don't want anything to explode. How can I help returning this back to a peaceful situation so we can have a good time?

Thanks for anyone who has any advice on this.

[Yaowen]

Dear hedgehoggy,

I am so terribly sorry you are in the situation you describe. It sounds incredibly stressful and distressing. Since I am an only child, I don't know what I could say that would help. Hopefully those with siblings going through something similar or having gone through something similar will see your post and respond to it with something helpful. I think it is good that you have set boundaries and are trying to safeguard your mental health in all this. So very sorry I was not able to helpful.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

[hedgehoggy]

Thanks Yaowen, perhaps this makes you realise the advantages of being an only child

I do love my sister a lot though, and hope we will get through this. Thanks for your kind comment!

[TishaBuv]

Hello and welcome to MSF!

Your situation sounds complicated, and like you have done some proactive problem solving already by setting boundaries, communication and such.

I’m not sure what to suggest. Maybe if you can write more giving more information, like about your parents role in mediating and why you feel afraid?

[Que Sera Sera]

maybe you yourself can just put this delima aside during the time of the family get together. be with your family and enjoy the "reunion" of all being together again .. the rift going on between you and your sister really doesnt "belong" in this occasion. you and your sister are both adults ... the dispute is between you and her & there is no need to involve other members of your family in it. dont ruin things by draging your drama into this. set your differences aside and enjoy the oppportunity of getting to spend this time together as a family.

[mssweatypalms]

Hello, hedgehoggy! In my case, I'm the younger sister and the one who often has issues. I used to tell my sister about my problems and what makes me stressed out. Now that she has her own family, we still talk, but I don't tell her all the bad stuff anymore. She seldom shares her worries with me, but I know that family life is hard. Maybe your sister should clearly understand that your life and her life are very different. I hope she'll be open and calm when you try and tell her about how you feel.

[hedgehoggy]

Thanks so much, all!


Que sera, sera, yes this is what I am hoping to do: focus on the time we spend together, rather than trying to talk things out - which may result in a lot of drama. However, it is not all within my control.. But let's see

MsSweatyPalms, thanks for your words, too. It's good to see you were able to adjust your attitude, even though I can imagine it was not necessarily pleasant to lose your sister's support.

ThishaBuv, my fear is related to old wounds in the family: my mother had narcissistic rages, my father always defended her, leaving me feeling abandoned/crazy. So I feel like I always had to swallow my needs and emotions to all of my family. My mother because she was blind to my needs, my father because he always told me to respect my mother, my sister because I was the oldest and should behave responsibly. As a result, I have long had little contact with my family as I felt I couldn't be myself, and luckily I have learned to seek for help and support elsewhere.

I do sense we are all trying to make this work in a way, things have evolved since we've grown up...

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like your family had to learn to walk on eggshells around your mother’s needs and emotional outbursts and needs. Typically that dynamic tends to be fixed and that can lead to each family member having a hard time establishing emotional boundaries. The mother becomes the center and everyone suffers as they mold into enablers unknowingly.

It also sounds like your sister tends to take after your mother and struggles and expects others to exist around her emotional needs. It can be very hard to develop healthier boundaries as your mother and sister may feel entitled to have their needs be a priority. It’s their “normal” and this type of personality tends to believe if there is a problem then it must be the other person’s fault.

Do you think you became more like your father where you unknowingly became an enabler?

[hedgehoggy]

Yes Open Eyes, it was really a lot like what you describe. When talking to my sister it seemed an eye-opener to her that I had been going through similar rough times (negative experiences in romantic love), while I never asked my sister for help because I did not want to burden her/didn't have the feeling she would udnerstand. She literally said: "oh, so you also think about how sharing your problems could affect the other person" as if it were the first time she gave that a thought. Who knows, it may let her think about it...

And to answer your question (a very interesting one): I didn't realise this for a long time. Throughout my youth I had always felt like I had to tune in a 100% into the needs of others, and my emotions and gut feelings always felt extremely inadequate.
The difference between my father and I is, I guess, that he chose to love my mom, whereas for me it is a given fact. I don't see my father as that submissive, because he just knows how to walk away when my mum rages, and then doesn't try to make her accountable once the rage is over. It's the way he deals with it, and otherwise he finds her a loving partner.

As for me on the other hand, I "centralised" this raging behaviour and as a child and young adult I was always seeking for justice, which of course had only reverse effects. So in a way, perhaps my attempts to avoid becoming an enabler were cut off.

[Open Eyes]

How much younger than you is your sister?

[hedgehoggy]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

How much younger than you is your sister?

5 years. (and I just answered your question in my previous comment, which I overlooked at first!)

[Open Eyes]

Sorry, I can have a hard time using my iPhone with the words being so small. (My computer crashed so it’s all I have right now).

Five years is a lot. She always watched you do things way ahead of her and considers you more experienced. She will be somewhat behind in her awareness compared to you.

[hedgehoggy]

Yes I know it's quite a lot, this is why I am used to not asking her for emotional support, as I felt she wouldn't have the maturity to understand my problems. But we are both adults now, and I think we both want our relationship to be more equal.

(And sorry to hear about your computer, I hope it can get fixed soon!)

[Open Eyes]

Well to be honest, to some extent you will always be ahead of her as we all tend to have to adjust to each stage we experience in life. Also there is the factor that she got used to coming to you for support believing you are so much more experienced than her.

[hedgehoggy]

Yes I guess this is unavoidable. But I was hoping the age difference would reduce over time. (For example I have friends that are my sister's age and with them I can speak about these kind of subject without any trouble.)

[Open Eyes]

Understand, yet most likely your friends did not grow up with the same type of environment as your sister. In fact it’s possible perhaps you have friends that were the older child like you.

[hedgehoggy]

Yes, true!