[black-roses]

So, I'm very upset about my friend telling his mum things and very sad with my life. My friend choices are very questionable I've had enough I can't find anyone decent enough to be friends with because I lack confidence but I talk easily and effortlessly to losers. I really resent the hole I dug myself into and I don't know why I find it hard to talk to confident postive people but find it easy to talk to people complaining losers that chase after me like a dog. This whole fight between Ben and Jack is because of jealously they both want me. Jack said he wanted to bash Ben and I'm in the middle in disbelief because I told Ben many times I didn't want to be with him and this is why they fight? I thought he would have given up well anyway this situation is stupid and my mum thinks I should just tell them both to **** off and go to hell because honestly I'm sick of them both and I am starting to dislike Ben because he tells his mum everything I say and won't fix his own issues. I've been telling him for months to get his ear checked he doesn't that's not my problem. I just want someone that's a positive influence in my life not people with problems in the head like me, but when it comes to new friends and talking to people there's no confidence... How do I fix this fear of being judged by everyone?

[Bill3]

I have had to deal with this problem. It has gotten better but I still have to be vigilant or I will backside.

I was able to make progress via talk therapy and via the following.

When I get an idea to do something reasonable i try to notice and be attentive to any anxiety that may come up. . And, when I have the anxiety, my goal is to force myself to do the thing I am anxious about.

For example, I used to be paralyzed at meals with several people because I was afraid to ask people to pass me food, lest they judge me. I eventually overcame that by always asking for things to be passed, and soon I was less anxious about it.

Same thing when I was in school. I used to be afraid of going into the quiet study room in the library, like I would be judged for just being there even if I was utterly silent. I started practicing that and soon I could go in there without (much) anxiety.

Sometimes bad things would happen, like the time I said something super embarrassing while teaching. It was rough in the moment but everyone got past it and life went on. I now can teach with limited anxiety.

So for me therapy set the groundwork but the actual growth occurred by noticing the anxiety and going ahead anyways and doing the reasonable thing that I was anxious about. It helped also to remember that if I didn't do it I would feel lousy afterwards.

I still need, and have, this anxiety practice. For example, if I unexpectedly see someone in a store, anxiety shoots up and my automatic impulse is to avoid them. I try to overcome that anxiety by making sure that I speak to the person.

I don't always succeed in overcoming anxiety but I am much less anxious and fearful of being judged than I was a few years ago.

[Yaowen]

Dear black-roses,

I am so sorry you are in this situation. Having struggled with such things myself I can totally identify with you.

A couple of things have helped me although I still struggle sometimes.

1] People in your life can never know you completely because you are made of millions and millions of things and events. You are vastly too complex to be known completely by anyone.

Therefore, who ever judges you is basically judging an "image" of you that they have in their mind made of up pieces and fragments of truth. And pieces and fragments of the truth are actually half-truths, quarter-truths, sometimes even 1/10,000th of a truth.

There is more error in their image of you than truth. Their image of you leaves out more than it includes and so is a gross over-simplification of the complexity and richness of your being and reality.

Therefore their judgements of you leave out so much truth that they are more untrue than true and this is unjust towards you and unjust towards justice itself.

They are judging an over-simplified image of you in their minds. They are not actually judging you although they think they are. Knowing this can help take the pain out of being judged.

2] Your value as a person comes from the fact that you are an absolutely unique individual never having existed before and never to be repeated in all of time, history or eternity. Your value and dignity come from your being and not from the opinions others have of you.

This value can never be taken from you and is there as long as you exist. It is not something you "have" but something you "are." It cannot be taken from you. You don't have to earn it or prove it . It is your inalienable dignity.

3] Parents often try to control their children by putting into their children's minds the idea that their children's value goes up and down like the stock market. Please your parents and your value goes up. Displease them and your value goes down.

Growing up like this people can come to think that their value is vulnerable and at risk from the opinions of others. Knowing this can help one to get free of the hurt that comes when one is being judged by a friend, relative or stranger.

Not sure these insights will be of help to you, but they have helped me a lot in my struggles. Hopefully many people will see and respond to your post with helpful ideas.

My heart goes out to you in your suffering!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen