[BigBubba]

I don't know what to think.

I've been running a project for the last six months. I had quite a few people (my employess) benefit from it since it worked out. One of them - a married (since june lol) female friend - stays in touch with me on daily basis.

She texts me how am I. Sometimes she calls and we talk for an hour or two. Some kind of sympathy is definately there. She doesnt flirt with me, though she doesn't seem like a girl who would (tough man-like personality).

The only reason why she might be doing this I see is that she wants to befriend me to get a job in my future projects which is a no go. I dont play like that and I made it clear multiple times.

Yesterday we talked on the phone for an hour in the middle of the night... I cant see reasons behind her actions (except the one above) and it bugs me. If she tries to play me to get the job, I'll discard her right away, but I'm not sure. She seems like a good person.

Have you ever been in situation such as this? Any word of advice would be appreciated.

[lizardlady]

BigBubba, I believe you are wise to be suspicious. It seems odd that a newlywed of six months would be chatting with a friend in the middle of the night.

I certainly don't have a problem with a married person having friends of the opposite sex. I've been on both sides of the situation. What seems odd to me is that she is talking with you for hours, even in the middle of the night. Could be she is trying to position herself to work for you again or she is trying for a relationship.

[sarahsweets]

I’m still trying to wrap my head around “tough man like personality “.

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[divine1966]

Talking for hours especially in the middle of the night is weird even if it’s just platonic friendship. We both have friends of opposite sex but talking for hours in the middle of the night is a bit strange. Where’s the spouse when that’s going on. I’d keep my distance. Too weird

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I’m still trying to wrap my head around “tough man like personality “.

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I was confused too.

I have a tough personality, first to admit, but I don’t know how it’s “man-like”. My husband is much milder mannered than me, is he “female-like”? People are just people. This lady is just not flirtatious. I can relate but it’s not “man like”. Some men are big flirts actually .

I think this comes from a very old fashioned standards of behavior and I suspect maybe OP comes from a very traditional culture where men and women follow certain behavior patterns befitting particular gender. Some things he shared in the past made me think so.

[Have Hope]

I've never been in that situation per se, but I agree with the above posters who say it's odd for a newly married (or married in general) to speak with you for over an hour in the middle of the night. Why isn't she talking to her new husband? It's suspicious alright, but I'd say more so because she in fact IS trying to get somewhere with you - not for a job but for something else. I'd cut off talking to her like this and tell her it's not appropriate anymore. That's just me though.

[Bill3]

I've been running a project for the last six months. I had quite a few people (my employess) benefit from it since it worked out.

Congratulations!

How do you feel about these conversations (assuming that she takes you at your word and isn't trying to play for future work)?

[BigBubba]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I was confused too.

I have a tough personality, first to admit, but I don’t know how it’s “man-like”. My husband is much milder mannered than me, is he “female-like”? People are just people. This lady is just not flirtatious. I can relate but it’s not “man like”. Some men are big flirts actually .

I think this comes from a very old fashioned standards of behavior and I suspect maybe OP comes from a very traditional culture where men and women follow certain behavior patterns befitting particular gender. Some things he shared in the past made me think so.

I didn't mean to offend anyone. What I meant is that sometimes I feel like I'm talking to my male buddy rather than an young woman while talking to her. Lots of swearing, urban language, and very very bold statements. Its not wrong, but its also very... masculine.

[BigBubba]

Originally Posted by Bill3

How do you feel about these conversations (assuming that she takes you at your word and isn't trying to play for future work)?

Its nice and cool. I can make her laugh easily. She talks a lot and I'm better listener than talker so that builds fine dynamic in a conversation. But at the same time, I feel weird because I don't understand this situation and I dunno what shes up to.

[Have Hope]

I think it’s weird. My husband would certainly not like it if I did that in our marriage. Somethings up.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by BigBubba

I didn't mean to offend anyone. What I meant is that sometimes I feel like I'm talking to my male buddy rather than an young woman while talking to her. Lots of swearing, urban language, and very very bold statements. Its not wrong, but its also very... masculine.

Got you! I see now what you mean.

As about her calling in the middle of the night. Is her husband not home? Sitting right there? Sleeping? Working nights? Just a weird time to call people. And do you know him? Or she doing it in secret?

My husband has an old friend since nursing school. If they do talk, it’s pretty long. Typically I am sitting right there. Its usually sharing work experience. Then her husband just died so that’s another topic. Then about kids. She helped me with advice when my mom was ill because her nursing specialty is different than my husband’s. Having said that, they talk like every few months the most. Not regular talks!

My husband works nights so middle of the night isn’t unusual time for him. I’d not be bothered if it was occasional BUT frequency and length of conversations is bothersome.

[RoxanneToto]

I agree, whatever’s going on, it’s dodgy. It sounds like she’s trying to cheat on her husband, not (just) trying to get a job on your future projects. If I were married, I certainly wouldn’t like my husband making, or accepting such calls in the middle of the night, not under the circumstances you described at least. Something like divine1966 described would be different, though.

[Bill3]

Its nice and cool. I can make her laugh easily. She talks a lot and I'm better listener than talker so that builds fine dynamic in a conversation. But at the same time, I feel weird because I don't understand this situation and I dunno what shes up to.

What if you were to express these thoughts and feelings to her? Not in a way of suggesting that there is anything wrong, but rather as a sort of curious scientist, trying to understand what is going on.

[BigBubba]

Originally Posted by RoxanneToto

I agree, whatever’s going on, it’s dodgy. It sounds like she’s trying to cheat on her husband, not (just) trying to get a job on your future projects. If I were married, I certainly wouldn’t like my husband making, or accepting such calls in the middle of the night, not under the circumstances you described at least. Something like divine1966 described would be different, though.

So all I have to do is distance myself so we dont text or talk more often than once a week, right? Sounds like a right thing to do? I'm not interested in breaking marriages.

[sarahsweets]

To be fair, I have a very bubbly personality and I suppose people could misconstrue it as flirting. I also am up at all hours of the night I have talk to both male and female friends. Although we are good friends and you are not with this woman necessarily, don’t you think asking her what her intentions are would be worth it?

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[BigBubba]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

To be fair, I have a very bubbly personality and I suppose people could misconstrue it as flirting. I also am up at all hours of the night I have talk to both male and female friends. Although we are good friends and you are not with this woman necessarily, don’t you think asking her what her intentions are would be worth it?

I feel very uncomfortable even imaging myself doing it. I barely know her and I prefer to just come up with a plan regarding what I should do.

[unaluna]

Why wouldnt you have her work for you again? Because shes a giiiiiiirl?! I may be reading between the lines wrongly here, but is it that you are mad at her for NOT being available personally? "Being man-like" - yeah, she wants to earn a living! Even married women are allowed to want that. You might get the answer you REALLY want if you post in Men Only.

Tone of post: Roseanne Rosannah-Dannah. Pokey but not mean. Just cranky!

[Bill3]

I barely know her and I prefer to just come up with a plan regarding what I should do.

What do you want to happen? Do you want to continue, do you want to limit, do you want to stop?

[BigBubba]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Why wouldnt you have her work for you again? Because shes a giiiiiiirl?!

I never said that. I said that IF SHE PLAYS ME TO GAIN SYMPATHY, I'LL DITCH HER RIGHT AWAY. Because I dont allow people to play me. Simple as that. Men are just as screwed if they try playing games with me )

[BigBubba]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What do you want to happen? Do you want to continue, do you want to limit, do you want to stop?

Limit. I want her to be someone I've worked with, someone I know.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by BigBubba

Limit. I want her to be someone I've worked with, someone I know.

Then don’t answer the phone if you want limits. Don’t respond to texts and calls at random times. Respond once a week and get off the phone after few minutes. Or you might be more direct and tell her you are busy and you’ll get back to her in few days.

She might not know you have a problem with it as you seem to be available and willing to participate.

[Bill3]

Limit. I want her to be someone I've worked with, someone I know.

Not someone you spend many hours on the phone with each week.

If it were completely up to you, roughly how often, and for roughly how many hours, would you want to speak with her by phone each week? Note that zero is an acceptable answer if that is what you want.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by BigBubba

I never said that. I said that IF SHE PLAYS ME TO GAIN SYMPATHY, I'LL DITCH HER RIGHT AWAY. Because I dont allow people to play me. Simple as that. Men are just as screwed if they try playing games with me )

I guess my confusion lies in the fact
That you are looking for her to play you ? Like I’m not understanding in the whole gaining sympathy thing or job advancement. If you are uncomfortable and the very first time You wondered if you were being played - you should have stopped long calls, texts, I may have missed it but do you currently work with her? Or was it in the past ?

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[BigBubba]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I guess my confusion lies in the fact
That you are looking for her to play you ? Like I’m not understanding in the whole gaining sympathy thing or job advancement. If you are uncomfortable and the very first time You wondered if you were being played - you should have stopped long calls, texts, I may have missed it but do you currently work with her? Or was it in the past ?

In the recent past. I'm just curious of what is going on - I think thats why I didn't stop this. I had some serious trust issues back in a day so I thought explaining this situation to myself was neccesarry as my goal is to take control of my trust issues.

[Molinit]

You can stop this situation from continuing by being very busy when she calls during business hours and answering the work-related question and saying "sorry I have a meeting" and by not answering calls after business hours and only returning the call if the message left indicates it is a dire work-related reason. Boundaries are needed here.