Do I deserve better even though she said its my loss?

Me and my gf broke up under 2 months ago. I was glad as it was highly toxic and I was really unhappy, I know it was the right decision but I just want some advice on how to keep myself motivated whilst I'm in the healing process.

I was first with my ex 6 years ago but we broke up after 5 months when I found out she was engaged, i gave her another chance last year which I now regret as I thought she would have changed. When we were together 6 years ago I found out she was engaged to someone else so that's why I broke it off and cut her off.

She ended up getting divorced a year after her marriage, she did admit to having a few relationships afterwards. We got close and had some nice moments but I kept noticing how open she is with other guys and how she'd claim that every other guy was interested in her, she kept pushing me for marriage and kept blaming me for moving too slow just because I didn't want to rush in to marriage.

And when I mentioned that I didn't like how open she is with other guys, she said that she didn't want to be with anyone that's insecure just like her ex husband was (even though she'd already cheated on her ex husband with me which was unknown to me at the time, so he had a reason to feel insecure).

I told her I'm not happy so we agreed to end it, I was confused at first cos she used to tell me that she misses me everyday and after that conversation she ended up blocking me off everything which I thought was childish, this was a month ago and now she seemed to unblocked me but she hasn't got in touch.

I do miss her but I just want to heal and move on cos I know she's not good for me, and to help myself heal I am planning to stay away from relationships for a while and to do this I am planning on putting more focus on to my career (currently IT graduate, planning to advance my career by undertaking more software engineering certificates to enhance my career). I have also joined the gym now as another way to heal and improve mentally & physically and to keep myself busy.

We had an argument a few weeks before the break up in which she said "if we ever break up, it will be your loss". At that moment in time, I actually felt worthless and believed her when she said it would be my loss because I thought I didnt deserve better but now I realise I do and that I rather stay single than to be involved with someone like her.

How do I keep myself motivated in the healing process and knowing that I deserve better?

Hi @Jaydaaa - welcome to MSF My Support Forums. I am sorry your relationship did not work out. That must be painful all by itself without all the other complications.

I think you have made a good decision to focus on your career and stay out of relationships until the dust settles more. You might even think about a therapist, because they may be able to see the patterns you are in and guide you to a new approach.

Exercise helps me and eating a high protein low carb diet keeps me out of mood swings. I find mindfulness to be a practice that helps me in many ways. The best App I have found without ads and purchases is HealthyMind.

Hope you get the support you are looking for. Have a good holiday if you celebrate this time of year.

Take Care @CANDC

What I do that helps me? I make a list of all the things this person did to me that were wrong or hurtful and of all the traits that they portrayed that were toxic and/or harmful to me. Then I make a separate list of all the qualities I need and want in a person and of all the qualities that make a healthy relationship. Then I compare the two lists, and typically, it's far easier to see the difference between the two types of people described when it's written in black and white writing in lists of qualities. I have revisited these lists often to remind myself of what I DO deserve and truly want.......

So, if you want to stay focused on healing and on moving forward, this is one suggestion that may help.

By realising that life is too short to be in a relationship where you don't feel good (she flirts with other people, cheats, is not trustworthy) & where your partner does not share your commitment. That is not a loss.

Her calling it your loss reminds me of something attributed to Lincoln:

And her calling it your loss doesn't make it your loss.

Really, it's HER loss, if anyone is losing anything here. She sounds full of herself, when it's not even remotely deserved. She's a liar and a cheater and is a big flirt who needs a lot of attention from men. Whenever someone says it's "your loss", really it's coming from a place of deep insecurity.

What did you lose, really? Someone you couldn’t trust, who was entitled and would never have changed. She thought she was “all that” (and I know you’re grieving the relationship and it doesn’t feel like it right now, but she’s not as great as she purports to be). You’re grieving the person you thought she was/wanted her to be, not who she actually is. It will take time and no contact for your perspective to really change, and you have to let yourself feel the bad feelings - they will lessen a little each day.

Dive into volunteering. A lot. Food banks, habitat for humanity, social services, youth organizations AA or NA (if you identify) etc.

I PROMISE you the satisfaction of helping combined with the experience of those less fortunate and giving back to your community is rewarding, joyful and a learning experience.

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Originally Posted by Jaydaaa Me and my gf broke up under 2 months ago. I was glad as it was highly toxic and I was really unhappy, I know it was the right decision but I just want some advice on how to keep myself motivated whilst I'm in the healing process. I was first with my ex 6 years ago but we broke up after 5 months when I found out she was engaged, i gave her another chance last year which I now regret as I thought she would have changed. When we were together 6 years ago I found out she was engaged to someone else so that's why I broke it off and cut her off. She ended up getting divorced a year after her marriage, she did admit to having a few relationships afterwards. We got close and had some nice moments but I kept noticing how open she is with other guys and how she'd claim that every other guy was interested in her, she kept pushing me for marriage and kept blaming me for moving too slow just because I didn't want to rush in to marriage. And when I mentioned that I didn't like how open she is with other guys, she said that she didn't want to be with anyone that's insecure just like her ex husband was (even though she'd already cheated on her ex husband with me which was unknown to me at the time, so he had a reason to feel insecure). I told her I'm not happy so we agreed to end it, I was confused at first cos she used to tell me that she misses me everyday and after that conversation she ended up blocking me off everything which I thought was childish, this was a month ago and now she seemed to unblocked me but she hasn't got in touch. I do miss her but I just want to heal and move on cos I know she's not good for me, and to help myself heal I am planning to stay away from relationships for a while and to do this I am planning on putting more focus on to my career (currently IT graduate, planning to advance my career by undertaking more software engineering certificates to enhance my career). I have also joined the gym now as another way to heal and improve mentally & physically and to keep myself busy. We had an argument a few weeks before the break up in which she said "if we ever break up, it will be your loss". At that moment in time, I actually felt worthless and believed her when she said it would be my loss because I thought I didnt deserve better but now I realise I do and that I rather stay single than to be involved with someone like her. How do I keep myself motivated in the healing process and knowing that I deserve better?