My mother destroyed me and I have to forgive her

My therapist said that all my problems with relationships may be resolved if I forgive my mother. I don't accept her. I hate her with all my heart, and therefore I hate myself because I am a part of her - my T said. "Forgive her" - she said. I failed to do that. I didn’t have a mother at all. I had a food provider, at best. She never believed in me. Whatever I tried to do in my life, she always said “You have to give it to someone else. You can’t do it. You’ll fail!”. And she STILL DOES THAT. Even with a f**king car light bulb change yesterday. She did it again and she triggered this indescribable shame I carry within me. Guess what, I successful changed the light bulb. We talked about her behavior MILLION times and nothing changed - she still do it as if by default. ALL THE F**KING TIME. I almost killed myself in my early twenties. I spent 7 years on therapy to stop feeling like a garbage. My self-esteem didn’t exist. And this f**king b**ch is why. Daddy wasn't even there. He left her when I was 3 and its hard to blame him for that. Still, he abandoned me and left me with this sick woman who should never have a child. I don't hate him anymore because he's dead - I just don't care about what he did.

How in the world could I forgive someone like that?

Ihad a mother like yours, and didnt know my father. I am not sure how to forgive, but I did after many many years. I realized she was mentally ill and was her own worst enemy. Every year my sister and I get together and talk about our childhood and how amazing it was/is that we escaped the craziness. The book that saved my life: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. Abusers usually are very insecure and put onto you...what they really feel about themselves. It might help you to write a letter of restorative justice.....that says...this is what you did, this is how it made me feel.

As an aside (about me, LOL). Igrew up in poverty...no phone, car, refrigerator, tub or shower, molested, fatherless, physically and verbally abusive mother, etc. etc. in a 120-yer old tenement house with roaches, and low-life neighbors.. It is interesting that you used the word (food) provider. My sister said the same thing about our mother, that she was just a provider. I made the decision that I would never be like her and joined the army... to escape all of that.

Is there a way yu can distance yourself from her?

That shame you feel has nothing to do with who you are; that belongs to someone else. She will never change so you will have to find a way to respond differently...... When you were born you were perfect and innocent and then your mother told you lies about yourself; that is really the way she feels about herself. There is NOTHING wrong with you and everything wrong......with her. Ihope you can find a way to stop her from controlling your life. You are suffering and she is not.

I totally disagree that forgiveness is required to heal - if you’re angry about stuff that your parent(s) did, then you have the right to feel that way, especially if they don’t apologise but blameshift onto you if you bring those grievances up with them. It’s more effective, when you’re trying to heal, to acknowledge what happened and grieve/process.

Have you asked your therapist why they say you should forgive your mother? Do they suggest to you any other ways you could heal from this formative experience you had? I think a good therapist should be able to be flexible with you on this because healing is a very individual thing.

Maybe not to forgive, but what would it mean to turn your back on all that?

Forgiveness is for your benefit it doesn’t mean forgetting or condoning the behavior it means letting go of the anger and hate so you can move on and thrive with new relationships

What worked for me was viewing it as "taking my power back".
I decided that no one would/could dictate how I feel unless I chose it.

I chose to become responsible for how I feel and not allow those who failed me in my formative years to have that power. They would no longer have the power to lower my self esteem, cause me to be depressed or less than in any way. That was over. I was done with that.

Instead, I found deep compassion for what I had gone thru, rather than feel sorry for myself (and I was a master at that) or hate others who had no ability to be better.

I eventually found compassion for those who so-called raised me, and came to realize that they were mentally ill themselves.

Please know that I am simply describing what worked for me. I still have mental health issues as I am bipolar, but I no longer blame anyone else for my depression or mental health challenges. In other words, I am far from perfect, but the hatred is gone from my heart, and that is very freeing for me.

I think you need to get all this anger out first. You need to see what was not provided for you that had a deep affect on you long before you can even think of forgiving.

Some mothers have no clue when it comes to child development and how to support a child as they develop.

How old is your mother?

Thanks for sharing

Shes 58.

Thanks for kind words, guys. That's my point. This goal of mine (to forgive) is ridiculous. But something has to be done to move on. I'm still figuring out the best course of action here.

My question is just how many times do we forgive them for unacceptable behaviour?

Demonstrating we won't accept their bad behaviour is liberating. My mindset has changed and I no longer feel downtrodden. Think this annoys my mother even more. I will not allow her to destroy me just because her own mother behaved that way.

The main problem has been her inability to treat my brother and me equally. Openly displaying that he's her favourite, including making comments to anyone that listens that I'm a bad daughter, etc. Only recently have I been able to rectify this situation with my aunt. Her comment, "now I realise it's not all you".

You are you and not someone who is manipulated into being a replica of your mother, unless you really want to be. Despite what they may say, our mothers are not always right!

Most of the time bad parenting is due to ignorance, not malice. Sadly the poor behaviors are passed from one generation to the next that lead to all kinds of relationship failures and dysfunctional behaviors normalized to the children growing up taught to see dysfunction as normal.

Unfortunately, a mother can end up being too self absorbed and has no knowledge of child development. Children think parents just know when often the parent is clueless.

So? The damage is done. What you said may be true, but what good does it do to me?

Write her a letter with everything you can think of in it and dont mail it. Burn it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigBubba Thanks for kind words, guys. That's my point. This goal of mine (to forgive) is ridiculous. But something has to be done to move on. I'm still figuring out the best course of action here.

I've done that already. It helped with what she did. Since that time she's done plenty more.

When I first started writing down my mother's unacceptable behaviour, it was only to record events from the past two years.

I need to update the document, which is on my computer, as more and more memories keep coming back of things that happened from my childhood to the present day. Through a child's eyes it seemed acceptable. For example, being smacked in the 1950s/60s was an "accepted" method of discipline. She last did it when I was at senior school, cutting my lip, because I was holding tennis racket grip near my face at the time.

I can't forgive her many outbursts/tantrums/lies, but writing down and continuing to has certainly changed my perspective. It's also been therapeutic, in realising that I don't want to repeat the cycle. Yes, I may now be an outcast to most of my family, but I'm preserving my self-esteem.

I believe that you can recover (if that's the right word) from this, but forgiving her is not the right way. Understanding why she behaves as she does may help. Certainly, an explanation of what your therapist meant is overdue. Also, as hard as it seems, walking away from an overbearing parent may be the only solution.

I agree with this!

Understanding for me, is hugely important. My Mum is the way she is because she is a product of her environment and has never tried to change the course. However for me, I decided Im changing the course. And I have done.

I dont know about forgiving and whether its right for you or even the right time. But holding on to so much anger and hatred cannot be good for you.

I found a way through my anger and have accepted her the way she is and I know that she wont change. I have a relationship on my terms and this works for us.

I hope you find a way through, @BigBubba

Understand how that can seem useless, but it’s not useless to be validated that your self esteem developement is behind through no fault of your own. You can slowly work on repairing that with patience and time.

Therapy is supposed to provide a safe presence to help a person figure out the personal injuries they have within so they can slowly get validated and learn how to grieve and heal.

A person cannot be expected to forgive a deep hurt until they are validated and helped to understand it better so they are able to have the understanding needed to heal and recover and move forward.

In saying what I just said, pushing forgiveness too fast can send the wrong message to someone who needs to spend time sorting through the hurt they experienced. It can seem like they must dismiss a genuine emotional injury that instead deserves attention and validation. Our feelings and emotions are important and should not be buried and suppressed as though disrespected.

Can you just leave? Probably not, I mean, I don't, either, but I just thought to put it out there.

This problem will leave with me. I've been living on my own for six years (college). Didn't help.

Ok, I had hard parents as well, and I have trouble with forgiveness. I just don't have it in me to forgive someone who treats me badly because of their own "problems."
I don't buy the "forgive and you will feel wonderful "etc,etc. Holding a grudge is not a "burden" for me, personally. It is very interesting I came across this thread because i am about to start a "mother" thread in relation to something I was reading online yesterday.