[sarahsweets]

My daughter left her abusive BF and now she and the baby live with us. So much has been crappy. She had an intake for legal aid right after she left in Jan and talked once with a lawyer who is supposed to get back to her to let her know if she is officially being represented by legal aid. The couples therapist they were seeing gave her a friend's number who is a family lawyer and she would take her case for a reduced retainer of 2k instead of 5k. My FIL was nice enough to write her a check for 2200$ 2k as a retainer and 200 to open a new bank acct because he stopped his direct deposit but overdrew her acct anyway. She closed it. He should have been paid twice and we have received nothing. She cant file for food stamps without some idea of how much she would get in child support. Before the TRO she let him facetime and we even let him visit his son here (even though its all for show) and I heard him tell the baby that daddy has a toy for him and Im thinking how about daddy bring over some diapers?

I have been reading so much legal stuff and as I understand it:
The little hearing they had for the TRO was to decide to extend it. The judge was snippy and didnt want to hear anything other than the order so then my daughter said she wanted council and it was adjourned until 2/23. If I have it right at that hearing he could be given a final restraining order(which she doesnt want, she wants to coparent) Or something called a civil restraint and if both parties agree THEN they can talk about child support, custody and visits. He needs supervised visits.
Do I have any of that right? If she quickly hires this lawyer because legal aid drags their feet can that lawyer ask for more time. Right now she only has a week.

Honestly anyone who has been through Domestic violence and TRO's/RO's and had children please chime in.
If someone is familiar enough with the laws in NJ enough so I can ask the right questions please chime in. Everyone weigh in.
Sometimes I lose my own threads so if you are someone who uses the @ tagging feature please feel free.
=sweets

[Nammu]

I went though all that in the eighties. But I was at a woman’s shelter and they helped me do all the legal stuff. One thing though. If he’s abusive and there’s a restraining order he should not be coming to the house. There should be a place at a police station with a third party. Yes I know that seems cold but there’s very good reasons for it. Coparenting in an abusive situation doesn’t work.

[Pinny]

Im so sorry I dont have any experience of this but I wanted to say that Im so sorry that youre having to cope with all of this. I hope you all stay well and stay safe. Sending so many hugs your way

[divine1966]

I am sorry this is taking place. How stressful

The one thing I know for sure that she cannot ask for restraining order if she is allowing him to visit in the house where she resides (even if she steps out when he is there) . It contradicts the whole concept of restraining order. Unfortunately it could be denied if that continues. She also shouldn’t be contacting him for any reasons. If she does, it would contradict the whole concept of her asking for RO. He could say “why restraining order? Why would she be afraid of me? She clearly isn’t. She went to live with her mom but she invites me over and calls me so we are just fine, your honor”.

Until court order stipulates how and where visitations need to take place, I do not believe there should be visitations as this isn’t a normal amicable divorce. Let the court decide. .

[RoxanneToto]

I don’t have any experience with this, but I wish you the best of luck for a good outcome. I agree with divine1966 that there should be no contact between your daughter and her ex if she wants or needs a restraining order.

[Have Hope]

Yes - agreed. No contact between them at all if a TRO is needed. I did get one once and had to show up at court several times before they gave me a year-long restraining order. The guy did not show up at all, so it was fairly easy to obtain. I am very sorry you're going through this - very stressful.

[sarahsweets]

I forgot to address this in the OP. The visit happened before the TRO when she was feeling guilty or actually w0rried she would get in trouble for keeping the baby from him. The last straw was when she did answer his call thinking it had to do with him attempting to give her some money and he threatened to come to our house and demanded that she drug test him since she knows he probably relapsed and admitted to selling weed. We were not home at the time. She was scared. The next day she got the restraining order and bl0cked him everywhere and any "friends" of his (the kind that like to fish for information). We applied for legal aid in Jan and still, no answers other than one phone call. Her therapist has a friend who specializes in divorce and family law and the lawyer friend said Becca could call her. I think they talked about 3 times. Becca asked about her representing her and she is willing to lower her retainer fee to 2K and I called around and asked my son and the consensus is it is a decent deal because her normal retainer is 5k.

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am sorry this is taking place. How stressful

The one thing I know for sure that she cannot ask for restraining order if she is allowing him to visit in the house where she resides (even if she steps out when he is there) . It contradicts the whole concept of restraining order. Unfortunately it could be denied if that continues. She also shouldn’t be contacting him for any reasons. If she does, it would contradict the whole concept of her asking for RO. He could say “why restraining order? Why would she be afraid of me? She clearly isn’t. She went to live with her mom but she invites me over and calls me so we are just fine, your honor”.

Until court order stipulates how and where visitations need to take place, I do not believe there should be visitations as this isn’t a normal amicable divorce. Let the court decide. .

[sarahsweets]

I am concerned though because the hearing is next week and the retainer will be paid by my FIL this afternoon. I am hoping they can get a postponement or adjournment so she has more time to gather information and whatever. The thing is, the hearing is about making the order permanent which she doesnt necessarily want as far as the baby having his dad in his life(if he ever got it together) She left 1/9 and he has given her no money, overdrew the bank account that she had to pay to close. Its just terrible.

[divine1966]

I think permanent RO might not mean that he won’t have supervised visits with a child. I think it means he isn’t allowed around her.

There needs to be official child support order established. Then he needs to start paying. His wages garnished etc

Were they ever married? If not then I’d not worry that she keeps child away from him.

Unmarried mothers automatically get full custody and usually a guy needs to ask for visitations or shared custody. She’d be considered “keeping a child away” from him if court already gave him visitations and she prohibits it

I’d not postpone anything and get it all on paper ASAP. Next she has to establish CS.

Oh what an ordeal. I hope for the best resolution

[Nammu]

Pregnancy and the first year after having a baby is the most dangerous. Ask the judge to establish child support and a safe exchange at a safe place. Most cities now have a special place for such exchange of kids. If you think he might be violent with the child ask that he be supervised. I didn’t do that. I wanted to be fair and I took my daughter to his place. He lost his temper and bashed my windshield in with our daughter in the car! The shelter asked for supervision visits after that. If he’s threatening her record it and keep logs. Being nice will not work. I tried being nice. Fortunately the judge I got was wiser than me.

[divine1966]

I’d not allowed unsupervised visits. If there is a need for RO it means he is dangerous plus there’s history of substance abuse. Unless judge says otherwise, visits need to be supervised in a public place

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I’d not allowed unsupervised visits. If there is a need for RO it means he is dangerous plus there’s history of substance abuse. Unless judge says otherwise, visits need to be supervised in a public place

We have court today. We hired a lawyer. Court is at 1. Not sure if it’s just a hearing on the TRO or if more can be dealt with. Oh and the asshole ran two roll by plate bridges and had the bill sent to us because my daughter is considered the owner of this car.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Open Eyes]

Inform your lawyer of what you just shared. It speaks of his poor character.

[Nammu]

If she is considered the owner of the car ask that it be turned over to her or that he pay for it and you turn the title over to him.

Good luck at your hearing. I hope you get a judge like I had. He completely protected me from things I had never considered. But he had seen it all before.