[littlepinkfurball]

Recently some things have been playing on my mind about my relationship with my partner. After my mum overheard me talking to him on the phone the other day and was shocked and worried about what she heard, I've decided to reach out and get some advice/the opinion of a neutral third party. What she overheard was me trying to comfort my partner about the following. I am on holiday with my family and without my partner and I am meant to be returning at the end of the week. We were chatting about when l'm coming back and he asked if I could stay longer here. I said easily, it's beautiful and I'm really enjoying my time here. He then became upset and said that I must not miss him as much as he misses me, because if I missed him, I would want to return home at the end of the week. I tried to
reassure him that I did miss him, I was just having a really nice time in a beautiful place. He didn't seem convinced. My mum said I shouldn't have to reassure someone in this way, and that his method of questioning me was manipulative and controlling.
I see where she's coming from, but he has a heart of gold and I know it just comes from a place of insecurity.
Some other things that have been concerning me:

Possible trigger:

-partner does not want me using a dildo
independent of him. He is happy for us to use a vibrator/dildo when we are together but he does not want me using one alone. This is a deal breaker for him. He asked me how I would feel if he used 'female parts' instead of having sex with me to get off.

-l want to go and visit my friend in a foreign country. She lives with male flat mates. He said he would not be comfortable with me staying at her flat because of the male flatmates, and that it was not appropriate for me to stay there because I am in a relationship. Again, if I were to stay there it would be a dealbreaker for him. He suggested he come to the city where my friend lives with me, we stay in a hotel together and I visit my friend during the day.
-He does not think it is appropriate for me ever to accept a drink in a bar or club because there is a possibility that the man offering would be attractive by his standards, and he would be hurt, even if I had no attraction towards this man. He believes that you should avoid all situations that could cause potential hurt to your partner
-he says he doesn't want a bisexual partner and that he finds bisexuality 'greedy’ I have
experimented with girls in the past but had no sexual/romantic attraction towards them, he became upset when he found out but moved past it as long as I reassured him that there was no attraction involved
-he does not think it is appropriate to travel alone in a relationship. We did agree that ifl could go clubbing he could travel alone because these are our respective hobbies but in retrospect this arrangement seems unfair

l am worried because my mum says a partner should trust you to not break any boundaries no matter where you are, who your with and what your doing. If they don't trust you, there is no relationship.

I don't know what to think. I love this man but my mums reaction has unsettled me and l am looking for an outsiders point of view on the situation.

[Rive.]

It's more than insecurity. Your mum is absolutely right.

Not only is he needy but he is manipulating and controlling you. Because you are together then what, you are not supposed to be in any male company at all. Should you live in a cage because of his trust issues and insecurity? This is a major red flag.

Someone with a 'heart of gold' would never emotionally blackmail their partner with such ridiculous 'deal breakers. He is playing you.

Leave. He will only make your life miserable if you don't do *everything* he wants.

I wonder if he has even ever been in a relationship? For a 42 year old, his take on relationships is scary. So yes, run

[RollercoasterLover]

Your mother sounds emotionally intelligent and very aware. Your "partner" sounds immature, insecure, manipulative, controlling and jealous. Run now.
Settling for this partner will hurt you much longer and in a much different way than a breakup. Settling means more emotional blackmail and manipulation to keep you in line. Settling means denying yourself a healthy relationship based on mutual respect, trust and shared values.
I wish you the best. This partner is not worth your time and energy.

[Discombobulated]

I think one of those instances taken in isolation is one thing but added together it sounds like your bf has very precise ideas of what he wants from you. What is your own personal gut feeling on these exacting expectations of you? How would you envisage yourself several years down the line living within the precise parameters he’s set you?

[Etcetera1]

All this here will be my own personal opinion.

So, firstoff, please, don't ever excuse anything with "it's from a place of insecurity". It may be true but the person with the insecurity DOES have a RESPONSIBILITY to sort it out. Responsibility like.... Go to therapy, or find whatever other kind of support and help with sorting it out before it ruins their own lives and other people's lives too. If he will NOT own up to this responsibility, get out ASAP.

The rest will be strictly in mind with him having owned up to the responsibility and actually working on his insecurity. He does have more than the 'necessary little spice' of jealousy. He has to work on that, on his default mistrust with it.

So, for a few of the requirements you've listed, you need to decide if you are OK and if you agree with them. If not, then don't give in to his requirements. He seems to have very particular preferences, requirements and ideas, but if they are non-negotiable and are a deal-breaker for him, so be it. If you are not comfortable with them, then that'll just be the end of the relationship.

He basically has a right to having his own vision of a relationship about what he prefers, wants or needs and what he finds appropriate etc. You don't have to agree with that vision. You also have the right to your own vision of one.

So I would not want to outright declare him as manipulative or controlling, that was not unambiguous enough for me from what you've posted.

He clearly has these set ideas about what's appropriate. He additionally sounds very conservative. These ideas and conservativeness are not necessarily out of some evil manipulative or controlling or abusive intent however. It could still be that he's manipulative and selfish, of course.

If he's upfront about his requirements and preferences and is willing to either negotiate or let you go without blackmail if you don't agree with them, then I would not say he's either manipulative or controlling. If he will not let you disagree and/or will try to not let you go, then he is and then I would say RUN far and fast!

And if you feel like, he's too pressuring, and you just don't feel like you can work with that, that's still not necessarily him being a manipulative controlling person, it could be you two just do not work together (re: your thread's title). But if there are those red flags about actual manipulation and selfishness, then it's not okay, of course.

One more thing. Does he also have ideas on what he should do so you feel secure in this relationship? Or is it all about what you should do so he feels secure? Try to evaluate this and the rest as objectively as possible.

-he does not think it is appropriate to travel alone in a relationship. We did agree that ifl could go clubbing he could travel alone because these are our respective hobbies but in retrospect this arrangement seems unfair

I'm not sure if I understand this one. Was the idea you like to go clubbing on your own and he likes to travel alone so you both do these hobbies? But you cannot travel alone? I agree that's unfair and it's a too rigid and mistrustful way of doing a relationship.

It's where your giving in would end up him being too controlling even if he was originally not controlling. It would mean you give him too much space controlling things at your detriment. He really should relax there and allow for fairness and basic trust, even if he's some kind of a conservative guy.

Some of the other requirements didn't make me concerned too much (unless I missed or misread something), as it's mostly up to mutual and respectful agreement about preferences, except this one as this is clearly an unfair arrangement unless I misunderstood.

l am worried because my mum says a partner should trust you to not break any boundaries no matter where you are, who your with and what your doing. If they don't trust you, there is no relationship.

I would say this however sounds a bit naive. If you were to believe such a naive view on unconditionally trusting people and ignoring red flags, you will likely end up feeling betrayed.

Most people are not saints with perfect self-control that can just magically ALWAYS keep from giving into unwanted impulses, so they will naturally make some mistakes, and so maintaining appropriate and decent habits and a sensible way of living are important. Much like keeping a good, healthy diet. In line with that, you can and should trust your partner but if you see red flags, you cannot continue trusting blindly.

So like I can understand him being bothered by you accepting drinks in bars from male strangers. I'm not even a guy but I can understand that one. If you accept these drinks it could be that they put something in your drink or just plain have you drink too much and then get you into bed even if you never wanted to cheat on your partner. This may not bother every guy, but some guys just won't like this possibility and may feel protective of you, as well.

But you previously willing to accept drinks like that, it would not mean that you are someone not trustable. You may only seem that way to some boyfriends if you insist that you still want to regularly have drinks with random guys in bars. Even if you have the best intentions and not ever have the intent to cheat. That would definitely make you seem as too loose to some men even if you are not that type of person. They just will not be able to really discern if you are not that person.

Your boyfriend may also not be able to discern it and so may want to insist on these safe habits and ways of living. And similarly, he may not be able to realise that doing it maybe once a year is not the same as doing it regularly like every weekend night. Some are just that rigid, especially at his age. I don't know if he's like totally rigid on it or is okay with it if it happens infrequently, or even VERY infrequently (comes down to his personal preferences and views and capabilities at that point and those being in line with your own vision of things or not).

All in all, some guys just won't like it. But not all guys will have an issue with it. Much like, some women won't mind such a "rule" or expectation, and some will mind. And it does not necessarily have anything to do with actual trustworthiness. So again, if you find him too strict on this one, then you don't have to be with him.

The same kind of reasoning applies to staying with those male flatmates at your friend's place. It in part again comes down to personal preferences and in part it could be an actual risk, depending on the circumstances, even if you have zero intention to cheat.

EDIT: The part on him coming too that seems unnecessarily protective and/or mistrustful for sure. You are not some kid needing to be escorted to a foreign country.... if I were you I would insist on not doing it that way. Though if he otherwise turns out to be a decent and responsible guy - including taking responsibility for his insecurities - I would also try to understand his feelings on it.

I don't know what to think. I love this man but my mums reaction has unsettled me and l am looking for an outsiders point of view on the situation.

Hope some of this helped. Try to have nuanced judgment on the situation. Do not ignore red flags, your gut feelings on what may be wrong, but do not judge him too fast either in some black and white way. And last but not least, if he doesn't want to work on his insecurities or hear you out on how it's unfair if he gets to have bigger requirements than you, then do run!! As all that would be major red flags.

[Etcetera1]

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

I think one of those instances taken in isolation is one thing but added together it sounds like your bf has very precise ideas of what he wants from you. What is your own personal gut feeling on these exacting expectations of you? How would you envisage yourself several years down the line living within the precise parameters he’s set you?

+100%, great summary

He does seem like that kind of guy. That on its own isn't wrong, the devil's in the details

Like, if he's like too rigid and unable to forgive any "mistake" or other thing deviating from these expectations, or if he wants to enforce all these requirements without being at all reasonable it will be obvious I think.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Rive.

It's more than insecurity.

Not only is he needy but he is manipulating and controlling you. Because you are together then what, you are not supposed to be in any male company at all. Should you live in a cage because of his trust issues and insecurity? This is a major red flag.

Someone with a 'heart of gold' would never emotionally blackmail their partner with such ridiculous 'deal breakers. He is playing you.

Leave. He will only make your life miserable if you don't do *everything* he wants.

I wonder if he has even ever been in a relationship? For a 42 year old, his take on relationships is scary. So yes, run

Good post

[Have Hope]

He is very controlling. Run away.