[Shakeitforme]

I get involved in really bad situations and I know it is because of my extremely low self esteem, my social anxiety and the fact I have no real friends left and no support system. I am always in an utter state of loneliness where it just hurts!
Over the past ten years I knowingly got involved in relationships with married men. Almost 5 years ago, I met one that I fell in love with. So over the past 5 years I have thought about him every day. We were on and off again for a few years. The first time around I could tell he also had some feelings for me. We got close but it was supposed to be a FWB situation. He eventually stopped talking to me. I was devastated but somehow managed to not contact him for almost a year.
We then reunited online and it started back up again but in my mind I knew there had to be other women so I always kept in my mind. But I didnt care because I just wanted to be with him. I can't remember exactly what happened this time but I know I yelled at him, gave him finger or something and again it was over. Then we some how started talking again within the next year. This time he kept mentioning possibly doing a 3 some with his friend. I could tell he wasn't as into as the other times and it only seemed like he wanted to talk to me if I agreed to do a 3 some. I was hurting inside but kept playing along just to get the chance to see him. If I felt him pulling away, I would bring up the 3 some. I eventually coudn't take it anymore - the being used to act out his fantasies though he said it was for me!- and I flipped out again, yelling and that was it! I said really horrible things to him and thought that was it!
Last year, I messaged him on the kik app. We started talking again and he invited me to join a kik group he was in. And again it was the 3 some thing! And of course I played along with him and the group just to get a chance to see him, anything! He met me once at a park. We kissed but thought it was a little odd he didn't want more ( I presume he was already sleeping with someone else). So I continued in group waiting for more. Nothing more was happening. Again, I flipped out, erased my entire kik and stopped talking to all these people!
I made a new kik account a few months back and I messaged him a few times, showed a nude pic, etc. Then I recently rejoined his kik group randomly without telling him I was joining it. I assumed he knew it was me in the group since we had talked before on this account but he didn't. And because he didnt know it was me, I got to hear all about his sexual encounter with a woman that he had that day written in detail in the kik group! My heart sank to my stomach. He eventually private messaged me on kik but had no clue who I was! I told him! He laughed and told me to please stay in the group. I told him if he wants me to leave it I can. He said no. So of course in the group there are people who want 3 and 4 somes and it is constantly talked about in group. I play along with it and go along with it. I have all kinds of men messaging me though none interest me. The other day I abruptly left the kik group due to realizing he doesn't give a crap about me once again.! Half the group was messageing me asking me what was wrong and why I left group (most have no idea that me and him had an affair once!) I finally said I need to tell him how I truly feel because it is eating me alive! I told him I still had feelings for him (it took a lot for me to type it all out because i bottle everything inside) and it hurts to see him using me to do his 3 and 4 somes, etc. At first he didn't even get what i said and I had to explain it again. All I got from him was that he doesnt feel the same way and sorry if He's hurting my feelings.
So basically I agreed to have a FWB with a married man, and unexpectedly fell for him. He was actually nice to me in the beginning, nicer than any other guy I have ever been with. I was doing so much better , not thinking about him as much and now with me joining this group again it just starts up again. I have zero self esteem when I take tests on it. I hate myself, my life, I have nothing, no money, a job I hate, my friends left and parents who have sheltered me and caused me severe anxiety my entire life!
That is why I do this! I will take anything, even being used because it is something! I have been divorced 15 years and haven't dated anyone. (Everyone has been married) I live with relatives because over the past 15 years I have not been able to make enough money even though I work full time! I hated my husband and never loved him. my life is worthless and wish I was never born!
I need to get over this guy!

[Open Eyes]

There is something in your personal past that contributed to this ongoing challenge. What was your relationship with your father?

[Shakeitforme]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

There is something in your personal past that contributed to this ongoing challenge. What was your relationship with your father?

My parents were very controlling and as a result I have suffered from severe anxiety my entire life. Selective mutism as a child, panic disorder in my 20's, and severe social anxiety. I was always told everything was bad, wrong and I can't do that! Very negative and toxic. I also had to move in with them due to a divorce and I can't get out. I don't make enough money. I hate my life.
The best thing that will ever happen to me is losing my parents

[Rive.]

Such self-destructive patterns of behaviour will not 'fix' your self-esteem. Quite the opposite.

Work on yourself first instead of pursuing married men who only want one thing.

[Have Hope]

Make it a project to find a far better job! You will be happier for having done so! Throw your energy into this project and make it a goal- "I am going to land myself a much more enjoyable job" - this alone will change your life!

When one is so down and out in life, we can turn to destructive people and patterns and get stuck there. You are very stuck! The only way to "un-stick" yourself is to make a deliberate change in your life, and to make something or all in your life better. But don't try to do it all at once. Focus on one goal at a time, which is why I suggest focusing on changing your job that you hate. When you find a job that you can actually like and enjoy, it will open new doors for you in lots of ways. It will renew your outlook on life, give you more energy and a new/different focus in life, and you can meet new people and make new friendships.

Try it.

[downandlonely]

I can relate to being with men who only want sex. It seems clear that is what this man wants. Low self-esteem can make us feel that we have to be with these kind of men because a good man will never love us.

I'm working on learning to love myself in a 12 step group. Until I can do that, I can't be in a romantic relationship.

[Shakeitforme]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I can relate to being with men who only want sex. It seems clear that is what this man wants. Low self-esteem can make us feel that we have to be with these kind of men because a good man will never love us.

I'm working on learning to love myself in a 12 step group. Until I can do that, I can't be in a romantic relationship.

Curious as to the 12 step program? I, too, feel as if I am not worthy of anything anymore. It is like I am controlled by toxic parents, belittled at work, make no money but am always told "look at how much we pay you in benefits, etc". It hurts when I see my so called best friend on facebook making posts about all the great people in her life, and I get nothing. used by men.

[ChanderKamath]

It is very easy for a person to get negative about themselves than to have positive thinking. It is important to feel good about yourself and be lovable.

[Fuzzybear]

I haven't read all the post (sometimes some people here find posts easier to read and respond to in more depth if they are broken up into smaller paragraphs.... ) I'm wishing you well

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I can relate to being with men who only want sex. It seems clear that is what this man wants. Low self-esteem can make us feel that we have to be with these kind of men because a good man will never love us.

I'm working on learning to love myself in a 12 step group. Until I can do that, I can't be in a romantic relationship.

I used to end up with men who it later turned out only wanted sex. Yeah low self esteem can make us feel like we do not deserve a ''good'' man who genuinely loves us.

How do 12 step groups help with learning to love ourselves?

[D1111]

This sounds so familiar. You are not alone. I hope you get the help you need. I hate the feeling of abandonment and jealousy and I suffer from those things. My girlfriend had almost an identical story as yours. Unfortunately she doesn't feel comfortable talking to me about it with me and it creates a disconnect and trust issue for me. I feel disconnected from her because of it all.

[Shakeitforme]

Originally Posted by D1111

This sounds so familiar. You are not alone. I hope you get the help you need. I hate the feeling of abandonment and jealousy and I suffer from those things. My girlfriend had almost an identical story as yours. Unfortunately she doesn't feel comfortable talking to me about it with me and it creates a disconnect and trust issue for me. I feel disconnected from her because of it all.

Was she also with a married man?