[D1111]

My girlfriend did not say good morning. I got a text with al anon meetings and she said there are plenty in town and I should go. I feel like she is saying leave me alone and go do something else besides focus on her. It feels so cold hearted. We never even discussed me going to these. She has been asking me to get a job almost everyday for 2 months. I told her I'm going to a job fair today and she never said good luck or mentioned it today. She has a good memory so it would have been nice to hear good luck or something. I gave her a prayer emoji and Ive decided only to speak when spoken too. I'm on her time at this point in the relationship and she hasn't left me yet. I feel like I'm on the way out. She has cut off almost all communication and changed all the things we used to do together. In the begging of the relationship, this is what I wanted. I feel like she tried to bring me in real tight, even down to the time she wakes up. I agreed and got super attached and then she pushed me away. She still says she wants to make things work. We text throughout the day and it's mostly her dumping on me about my life situation and how it's not good for her but she is open to keep going. Then at night I wait patiently for her to call me and we have an hour on the phone. This is a long distance relationship. I used to get jealous of her and I've toned it down to do my part. I'm not perfect and her view is never complain, never explain, trust and verify. It feels like she's a player, but I'm the one that is playing her by not trusting her. It's so sad. I have to do spiritual work all day and she still makes me feel like I'm not good enough for her and if I'm not careful I start questioning my self worth. I don't know how to make this a healthy dynamic
Thank you for reading

[Fuzzybear]

I think there are a lot of cold people who do not give a crap about anyone but Themselves. Please do not equate your self worth with your partners dissatisfaction.

[Molinit]

So you received a list of Al-Anon meetings (these are for family/friends who are worried about someone with a drinking problem. Is she telling you she has a drinking problem and you need to go to these meetings to deal with it? If so, would be quite unusual, as generally the family/friend would be telling a person with a drinking problem to go to AA (which is for the alcoholic). Which are you? Alcoholic or not alcoholic? This list came out of the blue? You've never had a time where you were drunk and lost control of yourself?

What is the reason for unemployment? Are you laid off, furloughed, due to return to work, what is the story there? Are you injured or disabled? Again, the entire story would be needed to see if there is reason for someone to ask you to get a job. Why would you need to be asked to do this? What is your age? All of this figures into the advise you'll get.

What is this "spiritual work" you are doing all day? Is it paid work, meaning is that your job? I don't understand this. In what way are you contributing financially to your household?

Frankly, in the post you wrote and another one, it just sounds like you don't like her very much.

[divine1966]

Have you ever met? Why don’t you work??? How old are you? Spiritual work? What do you mean? I really don’t understand the dynamic. It sounds like a miserable relationship. What’s the point?

[D1111]

I had open heart surgery and I'm in job training now. I met her in an aa spiritual meeting 3 months ago and she accepted me as I was. Now she is constantly telling me that I'm not her equal. I have 2 3 year spans in aa and now almost one year sober. She has almost one year sober and 11 years prior. We are both retreads. It has become terrible because I can't handle her raccoons she throws at me. I'm getting better but she is quick to punish. She said I was smart enough to find her old kink profile. My response was I was smart enough to find it but I not smart enough to know why people go on there. She said she couldn't help me with that. And that I don't remember why she was on there and I'm mental. She deleted that profile. Who knows if she has more. It said live it up 24/7. I told her I had screen shots of all her interests😢prior to her deleting it to make sure I wasn't crazy. She punished me and didn't talk to me this Friday night. This is the first time she has ever done this to me. The sad thing is that I feel relieved. I never pointed a finger at her and didn't bring up the site in the first place. I just told her what I found and saw after she told me how smart I was for finding it and then ghosted me. I used to blow up her phone because of this stuff. She said she would wake up and read it and be late to work. I stopped that behavior and she says she is late to work still because she couldn't sleep all night. Her ex who was out of the picture texted her. She said he was blocked and that she blocked him again. I feel like she has a double life and I'm really trying to stop that belief because she is determined to make sure I don't believe that. I want to believe her more than anything. She swears it's all in the past. And want's me to have a higher power and stop projecting my past. The kink site has definitely made it difficult. Considering that community is very private and loyal. And her last too boyfriends were into it too. I feel like I'm a way out or a way to have a sense of normalcy for her as she continues kink. She took my ball gag. She put it on like it was normal and said she isn't into that stuff anymore. She said she took it for the art of it as she is an artist. I found all kinds of stuff in her kink bag that wasn't there when I first met her. The sad thing is that she will not be honest and talk or explore these things with me when she clearly had an interest for at least 10 years. I feel so confused. I have a role to play with her. The non sexual loving partner from a distance. Where is the intimacy? Is it possible that a partner doesn't need sex on a regular basis because I want that. I'm trying to love her for her and I don't need to do bdsm. I just want to be a happy couple in peace with regular sex, but it's a cluster. She has complex PTSD. She claims to disregulate late night. She is on a mood stabilizer, and 3 other things. She may have borderline. She also says never complain never explain. And has road blocks on everything about her past. So I dare not go there or else I go to the dog house. Everyday here cosmology changes, and I never know what I'm going to get, but I know she will find chaos somehow. I'm going to await her call today after my 24 hour Friday night full moon punishment and see if we can move forward. I have to be very careful not to react to the horrible things she says. The other day she said she had a sore throat and could sleep. Then said it was a redness around her neck. Sounded like a collar issue. Have you ever heard of a sore throat with a redness on the outside of the neck. I shut my mouth on that one. Why is she torturing me and not leaving me? Why do I care? Is there nicer women out there? How should I react when the she is telling me that she is the most trustworthy, loyal, and monogamous person. This is living hell. She has 100% not been completely honest with me about many things, leading me to assume that she doesn't have to be to be loyal. Or that she'll outright defiantly lie. Or she is so lost that she'll compulsively act out and the shut the door and lie constantly. She is half telling the truth because her ex was married when the met and had a bdsm relationship for years. I am having serious trust issues. One thing is for sure that if I'm with her it's easier to pretend that she is trust worthy and we always have a good night - except for her judgments that can never be satisfied: my living situation, job situation, spiritual situation, therapist and sponsor.. I may get a different sponsor- he is a walking big book but not available much. But I'm keeping my therapist. My lord! She won't even make time to see me. I'm trying to figure out what she wanted from me from the gate. Maybe she thought I was someone else. I really hope she is who she claims to be now.

[D1111]

I went to an al anon meeting today. I didn't like it because they have trouble with forgiveness. It felt very selfish. Even more than my selfishness. I think I'll stick with AA and ACA.

[divine1966]

You just sound like a bad match

[Fuzzybear]

Al anon has difficulty with forgiveness? I didn't know that.

She constantly lies.

You have trust issues.

Sounds like the two may be linked...

[divine1966]

I attended al anon meetings when I was in a relationship with alcoholic. There was nothing in their philosophy about not forgiving or forgiving anyone. It wasn’t about that. I wonder if you misunderstood.

[Molinit]

This is all way too much. Cut your losses, work on yourself.

[Have Hope]

I agree. Far too much drama for having known her only 2 months.

[Open Eyes]

Alcoholism is a disabling disease and when someone is trying to get sober and learn how to live their life sober the advice is “no relationships”. Instead the focus needs to be on sobriety and learning how to live your life sober which includes taking responsibility instead of practicing the escapism through alcoholism and all the drama that creates.

What you need to do is attend AA meetings and also see a therapist. The focus needs to be getting your life together while staying sober. You cannot do that when you are distracted by the relationship challenges with another person who also has addiction problems.

Alcoholism presents constant problems when it comes to working too. Many with problems struggle to focus and maintain a healthy work ethic while at the same time using alcohol. There tends to be a lot of denial and blaming for work problems when in reality the real problem is the alcoholism.

[D1111]

Hi. Thank you for your response. I feel like I could work on my alcoholism my whole life and not be prepared for a relationship. So I'm wondering how you ever learn to have one if you don't try. I think I may have picked the wrong person to have a relationship with.

[Rive.]

You jumped into a relationship too soon. 'Fix' yourself first - there are too many issues apart from alcoholism (e.g. trust issues, depression, bpd, going off' on your gf etc etc).

Even you wrote in your previous thread 'I'm ruining my relationship' - so you are already aware that you are not your best self. Neither of you seem ready for a relationship. Instead, it feels like a recipe for disaster.

[Open Eyes]

Well, sobriety is something a person maintains every day. It’s not just about not drinking but living your life differently. It’s helpful to go to meetings and also therapy. It’s best to gain a healthier sense of self sober and develop a healthier relationship with self first.

Often the reason it’s best not to have a relationship for a while is to make sure you don’t fall into a codependent cycle with another person. This can especially happen when engaging into a relationship with another who has an addiction problem.

It’s common for individuals that have addiction issues to struggle with self esteem issues. So it’s a journey to live each day sober and to also develop healthier self esteem.

As I mentioned, often there is an ongoing loop that exists with the disease in challenges with both work and relationships. It’s a disease of dependency that is hard to slowly grow out of.

[Molinit]

You will be working on your sobriety every moment for the rest of your life (if you're lucky). It's good work. It's often a guideline that an addict should not have a relationship with another HEALTHY person for at least the first year of sobriety, often longer.

You have picked an unhealthy person (also an addict) to have a relationship with. It's not going to work and your focus needs to be you YOU being healthy. Would you rather be with someone who threatens your sobriety every day and makes you feel like you do now for the rest of your life or would you rather be sober, healthier and by yourself?