I'm seeing someone. Its very new. We met at the end of March. He lives about 90 min away and has been visiting me on the weekend. He has 2 adult daughters in their 20s. The older one lives with him.

We have been talking most nights on the phone. I'm trying not to move too fast. But we have total feelings for each other. We're pretty mushy.

But I feel really done tonight.

I've gotten upset a few times so far, mainly about him saying something in jest that hurts my feelings. He has been very receptive and apologetic.

Tonight was different. I'm nervous about meeting anyone in his life, including or maybe especially his daughters. I don't feel ready, either. I've expressed this to him. The topic has come up a lot lately bc he wants me to drive to him this weekend, and I'd end up having to meet his daughter too, since I'd be there.

I've had some contact with his daughter who lives with him. We talked briefly on the phone when I was on the phone with him once - it was awkward but okay. In that convo, she mentioned she's "not intimidating." It was uncomfortable for me. I don't want to be told that by his daughter. Its a bit embarrassing.

Tonight, he and I were on the phone. She was in the other room, and is sick, and was coughing. He made a joke to her about how even I could hear her. She said something like "tell her my cough / bark is bigger than my bite." I was really uncomfortable with this. It felt condescending / patronizing. I'm not certain if she meant any harm. Probably not. But I am super embarrassed about the fact that he talks to his adult children about me in this way, and they feel they can say stuff like that to me. Its not okay with me. I now think this is something established though, and can't control it. I'm not sure if I even want to proceed.

I told him I was embarrassed by her comment, and to please not talk to his daughters about me re this topic. But I also said I knew they were close and couldn't control what transpired.

I feel very done over this. I really do. We left the conversation with me still feeling really uneasy. He didn't seem to know how to help.

Advice and support is appreciated.

Thanks.

Also, this - being with him, has been really nice. But I don't feel like myself anymore. I'm more insecure sometimes. I compare my life with his and his daughters. Its weird. Its uncomfortable. I don't know why this is my inner experience. I just know I was quite happy and empowered when I was single. If I were to end it, I'd need to think long and hard about it first, and give it time. Bc I do like him. A lot. He's great. Except for what I posted here.

Edit: I may need to write a pros and cons list (there are pros and cons I have not listed here). And give this time. But I feel so put off, like, SO put off, by the fact that people in his life know that I am nervous about meeting them, that I just want to run the **** away. And it is possible that I might. That is where I am at tonight.

[poshgirl]

WovenGalaxy, you say the relationship is very new and it may seem that he's trying to rush things by inviting you for the weekend. I can understand your apprehension about meeting his daughter too. Maybe ask him to visit you again, so that you can have a private discussion about what concerns you.

The comments he's passed may be due to nervousness, or he has that kind of humour that only he thinks is funny. You'll probably only find out by persevering with the relationship to see whether that aspect changes or stays the same.

His daughter probably meant well with her comments, as it's not unusual for children (of any age) to be hostile to their parents' attempts at romance/finding a new partner. It happens when they're much older than twenties too! Perhaps she's also direct in her manner, without considering it could make you feel uncomfortable so early in the relationship.

At the end of the day, it's your gut feeling about him that counts. If you continue to have these nagging doubts then it's probably better to move on.

[Discombobulated]

Hi Woven, I hope it’s okay if I bring my own experience with my adult son in his 20s in here, it may or may not be helpful, please disregard if not.

I’m not reading what she’s said (bark worse than bite) as threatening, I also feel like Posh says this could be a kind of nervous/awkward joke. Tbh my adult son makes some pretty near the knuckle jokes sometimes and he teases me a lot, it’s kind of the dynamic we have. I do sometimes have to tell him he’s gone over a line. But I notice I need to be careful how I say this because although he puts bravado on he actually is sensitive underneath, as I say it’s a dynamic we have, it’s how we relate to each other. I’m guessing your guy friend will have developed and evolved ways of relating with his daughters and that’s what you’re hearing here.

Having said all that if you feel uncomfortable with him sharing specific information about you with his daughters then it sounds a good idea to let him know, you have every right to set boundaries.

I think it is a challenge dating someone who has a family, and the shared history and dynamic that comes with that. But also as an outsider I’m reading this is a man who seems to have a good relationship with his adult daughters? Does that sound accurate?

Hugs to you, new and developing relationships aren’t always straightforward and especially when there’s established family already.

Thank you both for your responses. I really really appreciate them.

I do question this sometimes because he has told me twice now about negative dreams he's had involving me. He told me about one last night that worried him bc he was with another woman in the dream and it unsettled him, and he wasn't sure whether to read into it. It is upsetting for me to hear all that.


I do wonder if I personally am not ready for some of the stuff boyfriends and girlfriends do together, like meet family. Some of this stuff is seriously just too much for me. Its also so soon.

Update: we just talked and it went supremely well. I feel better. I think I will be anxious meeting anyone in his life no matter what. But I would like to find ways to cope with it. Also, he really is awesome.

[divine1966]

It sounds like he is a very understanding guy. I am glad you two can talk about things like that like what bothers you. It’s awesome. It’s nice he has good relationship with his kids too. I also think it’s a good sign he wants you to meet his family even if it feels maybe a little soon. But it depends what’s soon. It might not feel too soon for him. Like you said you’d be nervous anyways

I’d have a huge problem if he’d share something intimate and private about you with his daughters, but in general talking about you with his daughters is kind of thing we can’t control. It’s annoying though even if it’s irrational, I get it. I hate it when people talk about me even though I know it’s normal for parents tk talk to adult kids about relationships

His daughter is likely just talking and being funny and doesn’t mean disrespect. Could be she is nervous about meeting you herself and is trying to diffuse it by being funny. .

I do understand your feelings and all kind of stress about it. It’s a nature of it. it’s awkward and at times backwards no matter how you slice it. We have three between us, all adult daughters. So I totally hear you! .

Enjoy your time visiting him! It will be nice!