[StarPonysMama]

Hello to you all -

I am new to this forum and new to Internet advice as well. HOWEVER. I live in a very sheltered area of the world with a unique twist. The entire county I live in revolves around drag racing, mud bogging, and basically drinking. Alcoholism runs on both sides of my family and it is a constant battle for me that I face DAILY. I have not totally whopped it but, I have always caught myself when I have gone "too far" (meaning I have lost control of how much or when I drink). Luckily I have a wonderful professional career with an ad agency in a neighboring city that keeps me focused.

With that said. I was recently engaged to a man with an alcohol problem. (I have been told that the daughters of alcoholic fathers are more likely to marry alcoholic men - go figure). He is on DUI #3 and currently on Felony Probation. He has no driver's license and is about 1/2 of a step from getting himself into prison. About once a month he would take off with his "buddies" at an automotive shop and start drinking. At the point he would get drunk, he would stop answering any of my phone calls and stay out until 12, 1am, or whenever he felt he wanted to come home (or I threw enough of a fit). Likewise we did drink alot together and there were a lot of alcohol induced arguments and tears. Also when he drank to much he would become strangely jealous and get this "blank stare" like he was just disgusted with me. (almost like he was actually "jealous" of the attention I GOT). It was strange.

However - trying to get to the point. 11 months later after me "begging & pleading" with him to stop disrespecting me that way (taking off with no phone call and stumbling home)......we got into a knock down drag out argument about it when he did it for what I knew would be the last time. I confronted him when he got home. We got into a screaming match. Finally, I just went to bed. I had not been drinking and did not plan on it. I had been asking him to get help or to stop. I know I have to battle and I wanted to battle and I wanted him to battle with me. Sadly, he did not want to and I was too clouded with the rose colored glasses to see it.

Got up the next AM, he came into my bedroom and tried to hug me from behind and he said, "Do you love me?". I responded, "Love ain't got a thing to do with it - you disrespected me AGAIN!". Needless to say that made him angry and he went into the bathroom. Then, a few minutes later - another screaming match. Finally, I had to get ready for work so I shut my bedroom door and turned the TV up, so I could not hear him. When I was done I opened the door and he would not let me out - pushed me on the bed and pinned me. Of course I fought. He got up, then I told him I would kill him if he ever did it again (I'm ex law-enforcement) and he said, "Oh Yeah" and did it again. I finally got out the door and went to work after a fit of tears and rage.

So, needless to say he would not quit calling me after I asked him for my space. I filed for an injunction and was awarded one. Now almost 2 months later (this all happened on December 4th).....we have begun to talk as the injunction is now being dissolved. I was very angry that he seemed to be not the least bit remorseful and I knew he was turning to alcohol. Before he left that afternoon I told him that he needed help and that I could not make him "change" only he could do that. I did not speak to him for these two months. AT ALL. Any attempt he made I fired back with anger and disgust.

Now, when I talk to him, I try not to talk. I let him talk to see where he is at. He seems very in touch with all the wrongs he has committed and on several occasions has cried. I offered him my book on Violent and Controlling men (which by the way - any abused woman should read, the title is "Why Does He Do That?" By, Lundy Bancroft). He has already started reading it. He does seem very sincere......now. He has been very manipulative in the past but, I also know how to read it. Since I have been speaking to him - he has not been manipulative at all - only factual. He has taken full responsibility for putting his hands on me. He has started taking part in physical fitness (which I tried to recommend to him a long time ago to help with the alcohol addiction).......he has stayed out of places to drink..............he's opening his own business. He seems very motivated to do better? Even the way he speaks is different - it is no longer so cunning and sweet - it is more clear.........I guess if I had to choose a word to describe it.

Is this real or is a ploy?

How do I tell the difference? Does he really want to change? What are the chances? And then all the feelings I have to deal with if I take him back? I expressed my worry about that and he just told me to take my time. He did not want me to do anything I did not want to and to do whatever I want to do. Is this real or a game?

Confused in Drunk Land!

[AAAAA]

(((((StarPonysMama)))))

I've been sitting here for a half hour trying to reply to your thread. Upon his death 3 years ago, my father had been a recovering alcoholic for 25 years. And I must say that battling that disease, and keeping it at bay for so many years was one of the things that I admired most about him. I loved him very much.

That being said, prior to his inpatient treatment he made our lives hell. He was also an abusive drunk, although that came as a shock to all but the immediate family. He was the fun guy at the bar.

When I see a relationship such as yours played out in my family (which it has too many times to count) my advice to my relatives is LEAVE NOW and don't look back.

My mother on the other hand has a different view because in her mind it all worked out in the end.

I think only time will tell if he's changed or not. I highly doubt it myself. Several things influence that opinion. First of all, has he joined AA? They tell it like it is there, and don't put up with rationalizing etc. And if he can face the music there, then MAYBE he's husband material, in a year or so.

Maybe it's something that you can do together. I really hope that things work out for you either way. It is my belief that he, perhaps both of you need imput from other people. Books can be very helpful, but as I'm sure you're aware, alcoholics are very good at rationalizations.

Good luck!

[Perna]

Hey, StarsPony, welcome to PsychCentral (PC). "Interesting" situation you've got there. I think, were it mine, I'd wait a goodly amount of time to see if it will stick; I'd frustrate him just a little by not giving in and see if I could check in on him at "odd" times to see if he's sticking with his hard work of starting a new company or hanging out with the boys again? There's no hurry to get back into a bad situation is there? I'd make sure it was gonna stick and not have to just take his word for it; give him a lot longer to "practice" doing things well. I'd maybe even wait until he got his DUI's/Probation under control?

[Doh2007]

Do you want to live your life in constant upheaval? People don't just change. It takes years and very hard work. Here's a very good book that talks all about being adult children of alcoholics that I highly recommend.

http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love.../dp/0671733419

(The subtitle is "When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change")

[CedarS]

This is just my own opinion, if I was in your situation I'd ideally do what I can to make my life full and interesting without him. I'd tell him that his first relationship needs to be with himself and not the bottle and that he needs several years of sobriety under his belt before I'd even consider being in a relationship with him again.

I'd also hopefully be in therapy myself to make sure I get regular reality checks.

You deserve to be safe and to be treated well.

[StarPonysMama]

Wow, thank you to you all for your insight. It certainly does help to have an outside look at things. And, Doh2007 - thank you for the book recommendation. I will SURELY check that out as reading any book I can get my hands on has been my savior. Funny, all of your advice is mostly things I knew already. It reinforces my feelings that keeping my distance is justified, healthy, and although hard - it IS the right thing to do. Sometimes it just helps to hear it from someone on the outside. Thank you for helping me draw strength - and I look forward to extending my help when all of you need it!!! This place is great!

[salukigirl]

i agree. being in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic before, i believed he changed every time he apologized. he would sit there and cry and cry saying he never meant to hit me or hurt me and he would never do it again. of course, i came back every time and it took me about 7 times to figure out "wow... he really isnt changing, is he?" people who act like that are usually very charming anyways. so this could all be some big ploy. i mean... if the guy came up to you and said "im a drunk and i get real jealous" you would have never dated him. they have to put on a show, and once they get comfortable, it all comes out. so it might look like a change, and he might even feel like he is changing too, but i doubt something could happen that quickly. my dad is almost 57 and he is still a teenager.

i also have been trying very hard for over 2 years and im still not a "changed person". usually changes (at least from alcoholics) only last maybe a week or even a month. but inevitably, unless he is working on himself everyday, its not lasting. my ex (the abusive one) was even in AA! He had been sober over 2 months! and he still went back to hitting me. i know its hard to tell if its genuine or not so i would just give it time. if it is youll know eventually.

[Raynaadi]

I'm a recovering alcoholic, and I can tell you from experience that I was the master manipulator. I was in a relationship back in my drinking days and I always said I'd change. But the only thing I cared about was getting that next drink.

I went to my first AA meeting April 24, 2005 and have been in a commited relationship since April 5, 2007. Notice the long break in there......I needed that almost 2 years to work on me, to find out who I am without the bottle. I was no where near dateable in that first year of sobriety. As soon as I started working the steps I started to change, so the person I was at 30 days was nothing like the person I was at 6 months, and thats nothing like the person I am today.

They say we quit maturing when we start using, so when we put the bottle down we're still pretty much the age when we started drinking. I started alcoholically at 21, so at 26 when I got sober, I was still pretty much 21 haha. I've grown leaps and bounds since then.

I'd say let him be for now, for a year at least. Then you'd know if he's turning around for himself, or to get you back. I also notice on your ticker that you put the bottle down 2 days ago. Congratulations!! Give youself that time as well....discover who you are.....in 6 months he might not come close to the relationship ideal you set for yourself. If you put your sobriety ahead of all else, you'll do fine.

Welcome to PC!!! Saw that you posted in our substance forum. Its our little recovery fellowship here. We do a recovery chat on tuesday nights, basically just come together and discuss where we're at and what issues we're having. You'll find the time in the recovery chat link in the substance forum.

Glad you've found us and keep on posting!!!


Rayna

[AAAAA]

I just had to pop in and say congrats!!!!! Glad to see that you've stopped drinking. Good Luck!

[StarPonysMama]

Salukigirl/Raynaadi -

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! For the support and insight to alcoholism, violence, and how the changes work. If I would listen to my gut instinct a little more he would have never been in my life and I would have never had to throw him out of it. LOL! Famously: Hindsight is 20/20. I have spoken to him and basically just left it as I can be friendly phone support for cravings and what not but, I don't want to see him and I also told him he NEEDED to join A.A. and also go through an abuser program. I offered to call Refuge House here to find and abuser program for him. Don't think he liked it, don't really care.

Exercise, books, new Satellite, New High-Speed Internet, Art Festivals, and going back to school. My life is rich and fine and orderly. No time for drinking or those who aren't tough enough to walk on my path. OH YEAH - My other new hobby........PC!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAA: Thanks for the congrats..............doing my very best!!!!!!! I'm mostly a weekend binge drinker so, this weekend will be the real test!!!!!!!

[CedarS]

Good for you! You are very inspiring.

(((((((((((StarPonysMama)))))))))))))))))

[bebop]

I was married to a recovering alcholic for 10 yrs. 3 yrs after we married he started drinking again. I lost my soulmate the day he started again. there would be short periods of time he would stop again then start back up again. this went on for 6 yrs. he became violent. that lasted a couple of years. one day I just could not take it anymore. I had to leave. that was in 97. his drinking continued then non stop. he died in 02. there was no hope left at that point. I feel guilty that I didn't do enough to make him stop at times but then I realize that our love for each other was not enough to make him stop either. you can't make him stop and you can't force him into any kind of treatment.
I also have a brother that is now seperated from his wife for the same stuff. unless your bf wants to stop there is nothing you or anyone can do except pray. me personally would not go back to him at this time. I would tell him that until he has had a long period of sobriety it won't work. good luck in whatever decision you make.

[StarPonysMama]

((((((((((((bebop)))))))))))))))

Double-edged sword. Funny, I have known this man for 10 years. I knew from the first time I saw him - that was it.......I was crazy about him and what is even harder is the CHEMSITRY. Took us 9 years to come around to each other's paths. And then it abruptly ended with alcohol. I feel I have lost my soulmate too (I am sure it compares nothing to the loss of 10 years of marriage) - thus the reason I have stopped drinking. Can't loose myself.

I know from the small year of experience I was with him.............its not our fault they can't stop and we can't make them. It's hard for me to swallow........

I have a knack for trying to "fix" people. When I look back, if I had spent all that energy on myself........the places I would be today......

You're right. I can't force him......and then I have to always be on guard about the day he falls back...................it's hard to think about. For now I am leaving him be. Focusing on me. I think it's all I can do.

Thanks for your input and I am sincerely touched by your post.

[bebop]

hon if you ever need an ear or shoulder I am here. I too am a fixer