My husband's mother is hurtful

AzulOscuro · Jul 07, 2022, 09:27 AM

The background and the fact that HaveHope is her daughter-in-law count more, in my opinion.
Not all behaviours respond to a health conditions.

Have Hope · Jul 07, 2022, 12:22 PM

Her dementia IS a factor to consider - yes. But that being said, apparently she has made these kinds of comments all her life.

Apparently, she realized on her own this morning what she had said wrong and apologized to my husband for it. So, there's that at least.

Just one more dinner to get through with her. Let's hope it's without incident, but I highly doubt it. I am looking forward to her leaving and to getting our lives back.

Buffy01 · Jul 07, 2022, 07:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

My husband's mother sometimes makes comments towards me that are very insulting, hurtful and offensive. She also thinks her son is absolutely "perfect". No wonder he became somewhat narcissistic and used to make similar, mean and hurtful "joking" comments in the past.

Well, last night after dinner with his mother, she turned to me and asked why my bra was "doing that". My bra is now too small for me because I've gained weight. I was wearing a tank top shirt, and I guess my breast was hanging over the bra, underneath my shirt. So, I told her that the bra is too small and that I need new ones. So, her comment was, "well, it's very unattractive".

I took great offense to this and told my husband in private what she had said. Now, the prior person my husband used to be would have told me I am "too sensitive" and that she "doesn't mean it" or that she is "joking", which would only just invalidate my feelings and my upset. But the new man I see in him told me that he would speak to her about it and validated my feelings. He did address it with her, and she subsequently apologized to me, telling me that she just wants me to "look perfect".

This isn't the first time she's been hurtful. The very second time I met her, years ago, when I had gained some additional weight, she told me, "I liked you better thinner". HURTFUL, especially when I am super self conscious about the extra weight. I was very insulted at that time too.

Another comment she more recently made was she told me "how can you be mean to my baby? He is SO loving and SO kind". I wasn't being mean at all and had NO clue where that was coming from. All I could muster was "I am not being mean!" But again, she has this viewpoint of perfection about her son that is very skewed and totally inaccurate. He used to be very abusive towards me! And I had let her know this once over text, right when we separated and when I was going to divorce him because of it (back in 2020).

She can be quite charming and quite adorable otherwise, but these types of comments are extremely off-putting, they make me very wary around her, whereby I don't know when the next cutting comment will come.

Bottom line: I don't like her very much, but I have to deal with her. She has been visiting from out of state for the last two weeks, and because her entire household in California has COVID, she has to stay out east nearby us for a whole extra week. I don't know how I am going to survive this. I feel like just being quiet around her and I don't feel much like speaking with her.

What’s the best way to handle things when she insults me?

I am so sorry that you are being treated this way. A good comeback would be how would you know about my bra unless you were looking and what right did you have? Another is why thank you for your complement on my weight do you want to take classes together? Or no one really looks like models it just a computer making them look so thin. Have you check into a doctor about this condition? Another is no one is perfect and never will be perfect we are just human. Sorry we are not robots. I hope these good comebacks help you feel better. Try them out. Everyone my family had covid. I hear you.

Have Hope · Jul 08, 2022, 05:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buffy01

I am so sorry that you are being treated this way. A good comeback would be how would you know about my bra unless you were looking and what right did you have? Another is why thank you for your complement on my weight do you want to take classes together? Or no one really looks like models it just a computer making them look so thin. Have you check into a doctor about this condition? Another is no one is perfect and never will be perfect we are just human. Sorry we are not robots. I hope these good comebacks help you feel better. Try them out. Everyone my family had covid. I hear you.

Thanks @Buffy01!

LOL, those are pretty funny comebacks. I wish I had a good comeback when it happens. It takes me by surprise, each and every time, and I freeze up.

Covid sucks. There's no way around that.

Discombobulated · Jul 08, 2022, 07:48 AM

It’s really difficult to come back with a clever answer in the moment so don’t be too hard on yourself, it sounds like she’s a pro at the barbed comments and can hit the spot. It’s natural to freeze when someone does this, also I would imagine you’ll be on your guard with her waiting for the next remark.

I did once read a good response to such comments “Did you mean that to be as hurtful as it sounded?” it puts the ball back in their court, addresses the issue but doesn’t go down to their level. Whether you feel that’d be appropriate or not I don’t know.

Have Hope · Jul 08, 2022, 02:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

It’s really difficult to come back with a clever answer in the moment so don’t be too hard on yourself, it sounds like she’s a pro at the barbed comments and can hit the spot. It’s natural to freeze when someone does this, also I would imagine you’ll be on your guard with her waiting for the next remark.

I did once read a good response to such comments “Did you mean that to be as hurtful as it sounded?” it puts the ball back in their court, addresses the issue but doesn’t go down to their level. Whether you feel that’d be appropriate or not I don’t know.

Thank you, and it IS difficult to have a good comeback in the moment when it happens. I just don't know what to do. I am always put off guard, every single time.

I have just one more dinner tonight to get through, and then she leaves tomorrow. Maybe I'll say something along the lines of what you suggest, if it happens again. And, I am sure it will. It's been the pattern so far.

Have Hope · Jul 08, 2022, 04:26 PM

I'm having terrible fantasies of saying mean things back to her. I know I have to take the high road, but I literally cannot take another hurtful comment from her.

Just one more night.

Have Hope · Jul 11, 2022, 06:16 AM

So, we got through our last dinner without another hurtful incident. However, his mother likes to make up her own names, including what she calls ME. A nickname I have is "Mo", so she calls me "Mono". My husband has told her that this is a disease and has corrected her more than once, but she insists on calling me by this nickname. It's a bit insulting, and I don't get why she continues when she knows it's wrong. One of our cat's names is Buttercup, but his mom calls her Cupcake instead.

I am glad she's gone.

Apparently, after she returned to California she peed in her bed. She called my husband yesterday distraught and crying telling him that her daughter-in-law is fed up with her. She cried, saying she doesn't belong there. She really belongs in Assisted Living, but she cannot afford it. I am SO glad that she cannot live with us. It's impossible.

divine1966 · Jul 11, 2022, 06:34 AM

Whatever happened with their money? House they lived in? Florida? Anything left after her husband died? I never thought they were destitute. That’s scary. It’s too expensive to be old in the US

Have Hope · Jul 11, 2022, 07:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Whatever happened with their money? House they lived in? Florida? Anything left after her husband died? I never thought they were destitute. That’s scary. It’s too expensive to be old in the US

After her husband died, she could no longer afford the Assisted Living place where they lived in Florida. She had to leave and move in with her son and daughter-in-law in California. Yes, she is basically destitute. Her husband did not leave her in a good spot financially.

And apparently, this daughter-in-law screwed up on a million dollar insurance policy that my husband's mother and father had. Now, don't ask me why the daughter-in-law was placed in charge of paying for this policy each month because I do not know why, but she missed a few payments and the policy was canceled. So she majorly screwed up.