My husband's mother is hurtful

Yes, this is certainly not what you need. I am sorry you aren't getting the support you need in such a rough time.

Still, may I say that I am glad you are standing up for yourself (even though it sucks that you would even have to do that) and being with your mother.

Do take care.

Thanks Rive. My husband does what he can to support me right now. I’ve cried to him and he’s been supportive and loving. I suppose the whole situation is hard on both of us, given my father’s recent death and his mother’s extended visit. He’s trying to balance taking care of her and me.

But yeah.. unfortunately I had to lose my cool over his mom’s treatment of me and stand up for myself. It’s too bad it got to that point. And it’s too bad that I don’t wish to spend time with her while she’s still here. It’s a real shame. It causes a certain level of discomfort for me in knowing there’s conflict between us. I don’t like conflict.

I’m glad to spend time with my own mother. It’s comforting and healing for both of us.

A question I have for all of you: I do feel some amount of guilt for avoiding his mom. Should I just suck it up and see his mother during the week for dinner?? My husband told his mom I won’t join them again until Friday eve, just before she leaves on Saturday. Am I being a big baby by refusing to see her all week until then? Or is this perhaps a necessary part of self care for myself, considering what I am going through?

It’s hard to say as every family has its own dynamics. Sometimes sucking up and putting up with things needed to be done to keep the peace and sometimes it’s better to take a stand.

At this point personally I’d do what’s better for your husband. Sometimes we have to do what’s uncomfortable to accommodate our spouses. Both my husband and I have some annoying relatives so at times we drag ourselves there to keep our spouse happy or keep them company so they aren’t there alone. Ideally we’d all have wonderful families and everyone will be always happy and nice. In reality it’s very far from the truth.

I’d ask your husband what he feels is best and go from there .

Thanks, divine.

This is actually quite surprising, coming from you. I would have thought you would say the opposite. But I do see your POV.

I just don't know. Her visit is under such unique circumstances, with my father dying on the exact day his mother arrived. Because I've spent so much time with he and his mom already, I've barely had time to myself to grieve. It's really tough. And my tendency right now is to withdraw so that 1) I can support my mom 2) I can grieve and 3) she's been hurtful towards me and I don't feel like being around her at this moment, while I am experiencing the pain and the loss of my dad. It's just a bit too much for me to take.

I may have answered my own question. I may just need to do what's right for me right now.

It’s understandable in your situation. Taking in consideration that she came for a long visit, there is no need to hang out so much. Not like she just came for a weekend. Also since your father just died you actually have a good excuse not to go out at all. And your mom needs you.

I was thinking more of annoying situation when we have to see obnoxious family. Unless we work or are sick or plan on fully estrange, we go to see obnoxious people together. Not saying you must please your husband at all times lol (it’s not my life’s motto), but when it comes to family sometimes you have to accompany our spouses to see families regardless how we feel about them. I think my take on a family concept is tainting my perception of such situations.

Thank you, divine. It helps to receive the validation.

And yeah, I totally hear you otherwise. I think if her visit hadn't been extended, I would have been able to hang in there. But since it has turned into 3+ weeks, and since I already spent the first week or so with her, I guess it's acceptable that I am ducking out a bit more now, especially given all my reasons.

And yes, I agree with you that when it comes to family, we need to suck it up sometimes for the sake of our spouse and for the sake of the marriage.

What about you and your mom joining your husband and his mom for dinner one night. Your mom might enjoy the evening out, and you have an excuse to leave relatively early if you want as your mom may not be up to a long after dinner drinks and chat.

His mom may be on better behaviour having your mom there. You could take two cars to give you and your mom the independence to leave when you are ready.

That’s an excellent idea, except my mom is very Covid wary and doesn’t want to go to restaurants. Otherwise, I’d do it.

Outdoors settings maybe? Although it has to be late enough so it cools off. Outdoor settings sound fun but not in 90F.

Yes, it would have to be outdoors and somewhere accessible for handicapped. His mother is handicapped.

Now it looks like she may leave earlier this week - Wed or Thurs. I don't know what's going on.

It is difficult to advise as to the 'best' choice because ultimately, this is your life and people you have to be with...

You can either 'suck it up', be polite and endure her words and presence or stay firm in your boundaries (nothing wrong with that) and avoid her as you have enough on your plate at the moment. It is not about being a 'big baby' but about setting boundaries and self-care. You deserve respect. You don't deserve abuse from *anyone* Most likely, she won't change her behaviour. You can only change your behaviour and/or how you respond to her.

Check-in with yourself to see which 'choice' sits best with you.

There is nothing wrong if you choose to 'suck it up' or is you stick to your decision. Which decision could you live with, without regret-guilt and/or beating yourself up either in the moment or afterwards? I would choose that decision.

Thanks @Rive. You're right. Only I can choose a path, and that path must be right for me.

My husband wanted me to keep him company last night while he brought dinner to his mom, but I didn't go. So, I may join him tonight in bringing her dinner. I may just suck it up after all for his sake.

Wow she sounds a real piece of work talking like this when you are grieving!

I think you’re being very generous to your husband in going to see her but hope you and he have a plan for if she starts with rude comments, he’s a grown man and needs to draw boundaries with her IMO.

Seriously, I’m a mother and if I was being so rude I would hope my son would stop me in my tracks.

@Discombobulated, thank you. I greatly appreciate the validation and your support in my plight with his mom.

My husband has definitely intervened and right after she has made a rude comment. He has had a separate conversation with her about this too.

If it happens again tonight, I may just address it directly myself. OR, use one of the aforementioned suggestions, like saying "what?" in reply. I may even ask her if I've done something to offend her. I don't know. I'll have to see how I feel in the moment.

Thanks again.

Well, it did happen again. I chose to join them for dinner last night.

After dinner we were driving his mom back to her hotel. My husband, within the context of something else he was saying to me, he said "I love everything about you" - he said this to me, in front of his mother. So his mom replied, "I love everything about you too! Well, not everything". And she was talking about me.

And once again, I was taken aback, so I froze and couldn't say a word in reply. We had had a very nice dinner otherwise.

WHY does she have to say things like this? It's like getting a nice compliment, with a slap in the face at the same time.

I told my husband, and he said he is going to let this one go this time because she is losing her memory and they all think she has early signs of dementia. She is not well.

I also noticed at dinner that she clung to my husband. She mainly spoke to HIM and kept her hand on his hand almost all the way through dinner. It's like she felt insecure around me now as a result of him pointing out her hurtful comments. But still, she had to send a zinger my way, once again.

You could say to her.....You raised a wonderful, loving son and we love each other. it would be lovely if you would choose to love me, also.

That's a nice suggestion, but she would say, "I do love you!".

Now I see where my husband gained his prior abusive behaviors from... much more fully. His mother has a mean streak, and my husband followed suit.

That sounds like passive aggression to me, the back handed compliment.

It’s difficult if she’s developing dementia on top of this, because often the ‘filter’ goes - so people can ‘just come out’ with whatever they think in that moment.

Yes, I should read up on dementia. I don't know anything about it. But apparently, she's been this way her whole entire life. That's what my husband has said.

It was passive aggressive - and it keeps happening, EVERY single time I see her now.

My grandmother also was very rigid and criticised my hair. As I was full of insecurities I gave her the credit and had a very hard time. It was wasted time. The problem is not your physical appearance or your temper, the problem is them. The one who criticise others or have a harsh judgement towards others is because they didn’t grow up to a point where that accept people unconditionally. They don’t see the person, they see only parts. It’s their loss, not yours.

That doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It’s clearly something there that they have to learn or accept. They are lost. Not you.
You will be lost in the way you give credit to them.

I wouldn’t do a big deal out of that.
It’s well known the rivalry between a mother and a daughter-in-law.
Dementia? Why in the Earth is she gonna have Dementia? Unless she forgets things I don’t see it.

My mother-in-law, when I visited her country and her house, she made a terrible comment about me, she completely mislead a situation. She dragged me in a situation which she created because her own insecurities, because she is in humble conditions of life. It was all about her insecurities.

I’m not justifying your mother-in-law. I’m only saying that each person has a reason behind to behave as they do and it has nothing to do with you. She would likely behave in the same way with another daughter-in-law.
I would try to guess what’s behind her attitude and make things clear between you and her.
People is now freer in a sense and they don’t care so much in appearance but it wasn’t like that before.
So, maybe she’s still stuck in this matter.
We can’t do many to make another person to reflex on how pointless is to be a slave of superficial things. It’s up to them.
Don’t let this bother you because it’s not your war, it’s hers.

Hope did write that her mother in law is having memory problems so it’s possible she could be in the early stages of dementia as well as having a personality predisposed towards passive aggression.

I understand it but it doesn’t justify mean comments.
I tried to separate her attitude from a health condition.

No it definitely doesn’t justify mean comments but it’s also a factor to consider when communicating with her.