Men treat me like crap

I wonder if one of the issues is you misinterpreting men’s intentions. You contacted him wanting to return his item and he suggests you do so before his gym. Yes more polite way would be for him to ask what would be convenient for you, so I agree that he is rude.

But nothing in his actions indicates that he thinks anything romantic or that he thinks you are into him.

You are upset he doesn’t want to spend quality time with you but why would he? He isn’t interested and you only contacted him to return the item. Why would he spend quality or any kind of time with you? Did you want him to?

You don’t have to tell him that you don’t want contact with him. Just stop initiating contacts.

I agree that these men are all losers but I think you see something what isn’t there. Like you don’t see situations with these men realistically

I agree with you, but maybe I should share the context. He approached me first saying he is divorced and he likes me and wants to try a date. Maybe I should have mentioned that. But, after that, he was strangely hesitant to pick time and place so I had to do it, which was very weird to me. And he picked time before his gym, which should've been a red flag but there I am... stupid. After date he said it was "great" and "we should do it again" and proceeded to text me, mostly about work, nothing personal, which was odd. Then suddenly stopped and after several days I suggested we quit contact as it was obviously not working.
He replied immediately that, no, he is interested in me but he just couldn't find time, and suggested another date, you guessed it, before his gym. We had objectively nice time, but he refused to take me anywhere so we just sit on a bench, and he talked about himself 90% of time. And gave me the gadget for which I didn't really asked but implied I could use one. Really odd. Then he hugged me and tried to kiss me at which point I was confused was this a date or not? After that he texted few days then stopped and I decided to call it quits give him the item and leave. Because either he is not really interested, or playing games, or going on several dates at the same time or his life is really a mess. None of that is appealing to me. So, today I have to just tell him that I am not interested and do it so I finally don't sound like a loser. That's gonna be a challenge.

I always appear like a total loser and stupid in these circumstances, I really want to appear graceful and smart for a change. Debacle with younger man ruined me, it was so horrible for my self-esteem the way he first pursued me like crazy then behaved like I was the obsessed one. I didn't even notice any red flags, he was so nice, and friendly, like a really good man.
I think despite my high IQ, socially I am totally stupid person. I don't pick on any clues, red flags, even dangers (how am I still alive?), I have no idea how to talk to people, how to have small talk, how to pick up on emotions, issues, how to say the right things... I am socially blind. No wonder I have big social anxiety. This is not about sex as I thought I just can't see red flags until they are very obvious.

I am the exact same way, very high IQ and if it's written in a book I understand it. But the social cues are very difficult for me. I really think it's because I'm on the autism spectrum, but that was very rarely diagnosed in the 80s and 90s when I was a child. They would only have diagnosed it if I hadn't been able to talk or do well in school. I honestly think it may be the same issue with you. If you are 50, you would not have been diagnosed as a child, just like me. So we've been left to try to navigate the world without the same tools other people have.

Yes, I am noticing similarities between me and you. I also grew up in 80s and 90s and then they would suspect you're on the spectrum, only when it was fairly obvious to everyone. My parents actually sent me to psychologist when I was 14 suspecting something is not really standard about me, but she just concluded I may have ADHD and that would be main issue with me. Later, I had problems with various psychiatrists as they didn't even listen to me and branded me "depressed" after like 10 minutes of listening to me. Even though I claimed firmly I am not depressed at least, not without objective reasons. I am anxious in many ways, one of them is social anxiety, but mostly because I always feel like I don't belong. Like I have no idea how being human work. I look normal, even cute, and as a woman, it's mostly easy for me to cover that in public, but when someone talks to me, I feel like it's very obvious I am not "standard in psychological sense". I don't read social cues (or clues?), I have no idea what anyone feels or thinks unless they say it, I have no idea when someone is lying or pretending, and barely recognize irony or sarcasm, and I often say something I really shouldn't and then I feel bad about it.

Yes, I am exactly the same way! I tried to get diagnosed for autism recently, but my insurance will only cover it for children (even though it doesn't go away as an adult). However, I have found virtual support groups through the Aspbergers and Autism Network helpful: Asperger / Autism Network (AANE) We are here for you! Many are free, and you don't have to have an official diagnosis to attend. The time zone might make it tough for you to attend, but you can check it out.

My apologises for not quoting comments. Not easy for me from my phone where I always write here.

You are being extremely hard on yourself at the end of this post. You have social anxiety and this is a serious problem. It’s very normal you have problems not only in social interactions but also in sex, that is also an interaction. Indeed, a very intimate one.

I’m your same age and finally, finally I got to understand several things. Your self-love as @HaveHope is stressing along the thread is the most valuable step to get. It involves at least, stopping saying bad things about yourself. I mean, ok, maybe you have doubts about yourself and there are things you may not like but don’t say them. Accept the thought when it came to your mind but don’t say it out loud because it will mean that you are accepting it when no way it’s possible you being a disaster in any field. You know why? Because you can screw things up in a moment but it doesn’t mean you are gonna screw them up always. You screwed something up because it’s human to do it.
Don’t be hard on yourself. Let yourself make mistakes.
And in the same way, let others make their own mistakes. Maybe, this guy was a teaser but you can’t control how others behave. You are responsible for the choices you make. Your reactions to others’ behaviours according to how you see yourself in relation to others. Don’t give them the power to disrupt your peace.
Consider that other people are also learning. They cope the best they can according to their circumstances but you are there to make them clear what you are ready to take in and what not.

Don’t be afraid of putting yourself out there and be ready to know new people. Avoid having high expectations. Take in mind that people with or without social anxiety are gonna also make mistakes and maybe, some of them are not gonna be able to give you what you are looking for. But, maybe they give you another important thing, at the very least, they are providing you with the chance to have an experience to learn from.

My apologise again for this long text, but I’m noticing that you have a poor image about yourself and about others. And both are really harmful for you. I’m not saying there aren’t some people who are evil but the majority of them are as you or me. Ordinary people who cope the best as they can, making mistakes and learning from these experiences.

The teaser guy, you don’t have anything else to share with him anymore. If you have a gadget of him, it’s up to him if he wants to recover it.

It’s time to put yourself first.
You have a kitty. Do you already think there’s a best company? 😀
You can work on your free time and do outside things of your interest. Plan them beforehand, it will give you some kind of safety. This is what I do to cope with my social anxiety. You never know who you are gonna met. And you are doing it all by yourself what it’s gonna make you feel safer and safer, day after day.
I have it easier because I plan things to do or places to visit with my doggies company and this helps me a lot. But, you can do it also, even alone. Only find things that fill you with excitement. If it takes you to meet interesting people, the better, if not, you spent a time to be on your own out there and that gave you a boost to your self-esteem.
Again, my apologises for the long post but when I read that you were 50 and that up this time, you more or less, gave yourself as a basket-case, I thought. No way! You, girl, I girl. We rock! 😀

I don’t understand why adults diagnosis is not covered. Ummm! I guess they want to save wherever.
Stupid protocols.

Thank you! I have no idea if I am on the spectrum and how to check that. I have been to many psychiatrists and none of them suggested it, they were all sticking to depression/anxiety, I guess that is the easiest "diagnosis" and pumped me with benzos.

Oh, that's bad. I really do say those things about myself loud. I even noticed some people stop communicating with me when I start saying bad things about myself. It's like they are suddenly disappointed in me or start seeing what I see and don't want to be near me anymore. even if I don't say that loud, it seems that it sill can be "felt" somehow, that insecurity, by others. People get enchanted when they first meet me, think I am so cool, but when they get to know me, they start pulling away and just disappear. It hurts, hurts way more than if we had a huge fight or they told me right in the face what bothers them about me, which they never do.
The thing is, people think its kinder when you just leave someone without a word then telling them what you don't like about them. It's not. It's way more cruel and punishing to that person, trust me! If you are bothered by someone, tell them that! Don't just leave them thinking you did "the best" you didn't.
Yes, you are right, those people even though they are still strangers, have too much power to disrupt my peace. I am thinking of just blocking their numbers and force myself to stop thinking about any of them because, when I think reasonably, they don't deserve it.
I didn't return the gadget because the guy never texted me where and when to meet. I bet he thought "it implies" it's just before him gym time at the place of that gym, but this time I just said to myself "he didn't bother to text me time and place", he just assumed I will be there when it's convenient for him, and I just didn't go. For once in my life, woman, have some pride!
So, he won't get his thing back, sorry!
Yes, I have a cat, she is 11, and mostly sleeps and eats, and a bit chubby, but I really love her. I should go out more, I agree but my town is so "asleep", barely anything ever happens in summer, and now in autumn and worse winter, nothing will happen until spring. It's difficult to find something to engage. I am a painter and a writer and software developer but those are all "lonely crafts" you do alone.
I feel a bit like basket case as it seems no one will love me ever again. I tried active dating and it failed every time. They just toyed with me and my feelings, I don't get why men do that? They complain they are lonely and no girl wants them (they even complain to me!) but then are awful to me. Why? Women are kind of afraid of me, it seems, I can't find the way to talk to them, I am so awkward around women, as downandlonely said it, like they have secret language I don't know or understand.

I find that most neurotypical people (those without autism) prefer not to be direct and tell us when they are offended. They would rather "ghost" (just cut off all contact with no explanation). It has happened to me many times.

Sometimes they also get angry at me for not reading their minds. Because it's "common sense" and "obvious". It's not to me (and it sounds like not to you either).

Yes, no psychiatrist or psychologist ever mentioned autism to me. They even discouraged me from looking into it. In the US, psychiatrists just do medication anyway, and they don't have a medication for autism. I had to find out on my own by hearing the stories of other people with autism and realizing how much I am like them. But doctors and my parents discouraged me and told me not to get help for it (which makes me feel worse).

Incredible! Autism is a condition. It doesn’t need medication. Maybe, if there are some other issue like Obsessive compulsive behaviours to some extreme. But being an autistic person is only that, you are different in some areas and find struggles with them. The right thing is to find support to work on these areas but that’s it.
You should have the right to receive a diagnosis and receive the support you need if you are in the spectrum.

All this is normal in a person with social anxiety. I mean kind of projecting our insecurities when we are interacting with others. Also, this feeling that other people sort of speak “ a different language”.
This is for different reasons: We lack of many social skills because of lack of experiences with people, within an interaction we are more focused on avoiding any awkward behaviour than we can’t engage properly in the interchanging that is taking place, it takes us to an increasing of anxiety.
Then, we are also pretty much monitoring how others react towards us, to look for any sign of rejection.
We crave for being accepted and being one more out of them. We put ourselves in a lower position and this is a lost-lost situation.

I’m sorry a lot that your city doesn’t provide you with a lot of opportunities.
My city is also a very modest one.
I’m planning to join a theatre group this autumn since there aren’t many opportunities to join groups of people with my condition. It’s gonna be a real challenge, to be honest. But, this is how it has to be if I want to progress.

I can’t finish this post without telling you how much skilful you are. A writer, a painter, high IQ. You better begin to value yourself because you have many reasons to do it.
Ok, you are a little awkward socially and you had bad experiences, and what? You are learning from it. You are now more experienced to face to future interactions. Are you gonna make mistakes in the future? In what reading people regards or in the reactions you are gonna have? Of course. I haven’t known a perfect person in all my life.
The big difference and the key is what people do with these mistakes (with these lessons).
There aren’t mistakes. There are lessons. Believe me.

I don’t care if you punish yourself here saying what you don’t like from you or from others. It’s kind of relief to put things out and tell what’s bothering you. This is a support forum.
But, I’m so sorry that you can’t see how much valuable is you and others. Of course, there will be people who you won’t want to get involved with and viceversa but it’s nobody’s fault.
Sometimes, we have to renounce some people because they are not good for us at a certain point.
I ghosted a woman who I used to have as an acquaintance. We had a meeting and she offered me drugs.
It doesn’t mean this woman is not valuable. I had nothing against her. She copes as best as she can. But, I understood than being with her it will only attract people to me who are not convenient.
Of course, I’m with her in good terms and if I rush into her, I won’t have any problem to talk to her. But, that’s it.
I’m not gonna give her an explanation about how I don’t see her convenient for me at this moment. I could hurt her. And I don’t have anything to say because it’s not my work to try to change her. It’s up to her. I offered her support with little details but her reactions were excuses. So, it’s up to her. Each person is responsible for the choices they take.

Exactly! This is great description of how people like me feel. It's like looking for a first job but no one will hire you without any experience, but you need a job to get experience. It's a vicious circle! I need more social interactions to learn how to interact and be social, but it's getting more and more difficult to get them and I feel overwhelmed and anxious with people and it's just too much. Everything you wrote here is true. I don't have anything to add.

I agree, but I have to add, sometimes it's better to say to a person why are you leaving them or stop communicating with them. It could hurt them, but they could also learn a lot. I feel more hurt by people leaving me with no explanation than if they just told me what was wrong. Being my friend, calling me every day, talking to me on regular basis, planning future together then just disappearing? What is more cruel than that? There is no given reason that would hurt me more than ghosting. Just tell people why are you leaving them. You can say "you are a bad influence on me because you can make me addicted to drugs" or "you are complaining too much and don't take any advices or suggestions from me, but keep on complaining and I feel like you are draining me", or whatever. That could make person think. Maybe even start resolving their problems at some point. But leaving point blank... that's just cruel. People do that to me all the time, and it hurts like hell! I can not think that anything they could say to me as a reason could hurt more. And I really would want to know what am I doing wrong, it would be useful. That is why I am so desperate.
Would it be too much to just ask the last guy WHY he ghosted me, or will I look like a complete loser and desperate? I would really like to know. So many people who were seemingly enchanted with me and liked me "so much" left me with no explanation. It's like a movie with no ending. I need that closure or I will be unhappy forever.

I think if you are talking about close friends or family it’s wise to ask why they ignore you. They might be truthful in their response. Maybe. Some would

I’d not be asking random guys why they vanish after brief dating. First of all I’d not trust them to be truthful with their response. Second of all if they treat you poorly, why is it important to know why they dumped you. If they left it’s for the best, do you really want them to stick around? Third of all if they aren’t decent people, why their opinion of you even matters? It’s not valuable

Do you want to meet a great guy or you want whoever just stick around and not leave you? You meet these men and they are no good but then you are upset they don’t stick around. But if they are not good partners to begin with, them leaving isn’t even a bad thing!

None of them are any good so why does their opinion of you matter? It’s not important what they think

Yes it would be too much to contact him and ask why, in my opinion. Only because what if he doesn’t respond? Wouldn’t that hurt even more?

I understand your pain. I’ve been ghosted before and it hurts like something else. But I’ve also learned to accept that the person wasn’t meant to be in my life. And you have to be ok with that and let it go. The only way forward is to accept it and try to move on in knowing the person was too cowardly to say something first. And it is cowardly as well as very insensitive. So who needs someone who can be so cruel and ghost?? Ya know??

You are right, he wasn't my friend, and after everything, I shouldn't even want him for friend. That is my problem. I am so desperate, I will let people treat me like crap and still want to keep them as friends. Even if someone is smart, funny and fun person, if they are nasty to me, why would I still want them to be around? I have a problem....
I had a therapist who I told some of these problems, and she also said "well, it's good that he left, why would you want him after all that?"
But that raised question, why are people always nasty to me? Is it me or do I just meet people who are not right for me? Or do I somehow chose them and why? Why chose people you know won't stick around or aren't good for you?

[QUOTE=Have Hope 1966;7252165]Yes it would be too much to contact him and ask why, in my opinion. Only because what if he doesn’t respond? Wouldn’t that hurt even more?

I understand your pain. I’ve been ghosted before and it hurts like something else. But I’ve also learned to accept that the person wasn’t meant to be in my life. And you have to be ok with that and let it go. The only way forward is to accept it and try to move on in knowing the person was too cowardly to say something first. And it is cowardly as well as very insensitive. So who needs someone who can be so cruel and ghost?? Ya know??/QUOTE]

Again, I agree. And he probably wouldn't respond which would make me feel and look even more desperate and miserable.
AS my therapists said "why would you want someone like that in your life?"
But my mind is like "I just want a friend!"
I am such a loser.

You aren’t a loser. We all want friendships and relationships and when we are lonely we tend to become desperate.

I know you mentioned that there isn’t much happening in your town. I think if you’d find activities to keep you busy and engaged in something, you’d have less need to have these men. Could you travel to near by town?