Men treat me like crap

I used to write about my ex and why I still have feelings for him, which is what members of forum couldn't understand since, from their perspective, he was horrible to me. But, to be honest, compared to the rest, he by far treated me most like a human being and a friend. It's that bad.
I always hear men complain they can't find girlfriend, women don't want them, they are lonely, we women have it easy... I don't see that. Men, as far as I have been alive, were always horrible to me and treated me like trash.
I don't have bad opinion of myself. I take good care of myself, I think I am cute, I've been told I am very attractive many times, even for almost 50 years old. I have good job, my own apartment, I am software developer, painter, writer, I love fitness, self-care, I have many hobbies and I love animals and nature. I do not hate myself but I am really insecure, mostly because people treat me like trash.
I was bullied and sexually harassed in middle school. After that, men mostly saw me as "sex thing" I don't know why, I was total nerd, didn't even wear make up, or dresses, I dressed like slob. I married a man I fell in love with but he wanted me to change as person, because he didn't like who I was. It lead to constant fights and screaming matches because he just wouldn't let go and let me be what I am. It's like he didn't like anything about me, suddenly. It ended in divorce.
After that, I had relationship with my best friend, that "famous ex" who at least, unlike all others, took real interest in me, encouraged me in work, writing, painting, always was my great support and my biggest fan. But we had other problems, not to write about it again.
Then there were other, men, even though I was way over 40, still seeing me only as sex object and nothing else. It's like, when I stop being sexy, and that has to be soon, I will be just nothing! Since, that's only thing they see. One man almost tricked me into relationship lying that he was divorced, then when I refused to continue to see him, told me I am "negative" person. The other one, who was only 36, pursued me hard for weeks, seemingly smitten with me, called me every day, texted me, took interest in me and my life, seemingly me got connected and became friends. He seemed genuinely interested in me. When I said I am visiting his city, he was quick to chose apartment for me so he can visit, and asked me to take "at least 4 days" so we can be together. When I got into that city, he suddenly had "so many obligations" he "had to" cut his hair, and "had to" go shopping etc. So, i was alone all first day, he came in the evening for sex and left in the morning leaving me feeling like a crap. Next day, which was Sunday, he was nowhere to found, he appeared on Monday late again for sex, and left and never called me again. Like I am complete trash.
Next dude appeared on first date, we had pleasant conversation, her said he was interested in second date, never texted me, but asked me next week on a date the same day! I had some other plans so I asked him for next day. Next day, he said he can't come because he is at work and he will call another time. I never heard from him again.
The newest one, 56 old man, well educated and divorced with adult children, I assumed was mature and grown up, I had to almost beg for first date which he set 2 hours before his gym, because he was "going out anyway". We had quite pleasant conversation, and he texted me few days after then stopped. Not a peep whole weekend. I wrote to him that he is obviously not interested and wished him good luck and he immediately wrote that he is interested but he was "sooo busy" and set another date an hour before his gym because it was most convenient for him. Ok, it was a pleasant hour but he talked mostly about him and like in his messages, he never asked me anything about me. Of course, like every one of them, he wasn't against physical contacts, but showed no interest in me as a person. After that he texted me about some irrelevant things and stopped texting completely ghosting me. Like every single one of them.
To be blunt, I didn't sleep with most of them, it was just making out, so that's not the reason they bailed as I am aware a lot of men can be assholes about that. They just appear not to see me as human, they either fake interest then leave and ghost me, or don't even bother. It's like I am no human. Then men complain how easy is for us to get a date or relationship? Since when? And what am I, chopped liver? Why they don't even try? And why they fake interest or lose my and their time if they are not into in? Why men always treat me like trash, like I am nothing?

Where do you meet these men? If it’s all online and through online dating sites, that’s very commonly what you’ll get - of course depending on the website. There ARE good men. You’re just meeting the wrong ones.

I know it’s hard. You can’t really control what these men do. though.

You can only control what you do. Don’t make out with men you don’t know well. Don’t beg for dates or contact them if they show no interest. Don’t travel to see them. Not saying you can’t meet half way if they live far but don’t go stay in their towns. Don’t be intimate unless you consistently dated them for quite a bit. Men who only want sex will not stick around. That’s how you know. You seem to want them to stick around as soon as you meet them.

A man shows no interest in you in messages yet you still go on a date. Don’t go on a date if he’s not interested

A man sees dates up only when it’s convened for him. Don’t agree to that.

A man doesn’t contact you. He’s not interested. Stop contacting him.

You don’t know a guy. Just talking to a guy then all of a sudden you are staying in his town and receive him in the apartment for sexual activities. Why? Don’t do these kind of thing. If you ended up in that town but he’s not spending time with you then there shouldn’t be sex. He wants time with you then go out or for a walk with him or a meal or go do your own thing

You are saying they view you as a sex thing. But I wonder if yourself see yourself that way if you willingly make out and sleep with men without a relationship and proper dating. Even that ex who never invited you over or introduce you to people or travelled with you yet he’d come to your town and very likely was getting sex. That’s not a relationship. Just stop all that. People treat us the way we teach them to treat us

I am not a prude and am not judging as I did the most ridiculous stupid things with me or for men so no judgement from me. But based on my experience you have to go about it differently. Don’t send subconscious messages that you are willing to put up with bad treatment or lack of interest and will be making out or even more without any effort on their part.

And maybe look for different ways to meet men. If these are dating sites then maybe make sure these are higher quality ones. You can meet good men online but be selective who you go on a date with. Pay attention to what’s happening

A lot of the time in my experience, men think only with what is between their legs, it's not a reflection on you, it's their testosterone levels

I don’t think it’s accurate unless we speak about very young teenage guys. I don’t think it’s fair. Plenty of grown up men are looking for meaningful connection. Not just sex.

Now many even the most high quality men wouldn’t say “no” to casual sex if they are single and casual sex is being offered. The point is if you are looking for a relationship, don’t do casual sex.

I am almost 50, so I was dating long before dating sites were a thing. Therefor, no, most men I met were not from dating sites, although, I have to admit, those were the worst. Even though I like to chose men who are nerdy and intellectuals, but obviously, that was just how they presented. I didn't sleep with any of them, they were just horrible from the start.

I didn't actually travel for him, I was visiting his town for my own business, and regarding that one younger man, I didn't really expect that to last and I did see it was just sexual thing. He was just too young for me and too far to visit on regular basis. But what hurt me about him was how he pretended to be my friend, told me so much about his life, listened about my life and problems seemingly very interested, it looked like we really connected. And it was weeks even months before I visited his town. We met once before but it was innocent friendly visit when he came to my town and that was just to meet me. What bothered me, if he just wanted sex, he didn't need to pretend to be my friend, he was very attractive. If he just used me and I used him that would be less painful. What did hurt me a lot was how he ghosted me so easily after being friend with me for months! If it was just sex thing I wouldn't mind because I didn't want to be in relationship with him, I just found him very attractive. I did not need to connect with him or like him as a person, that was his doing. Then, he just cut me off! Why? Why bother? Why just ignore me? My girlfriends always did that to me, I had several and they would always just leave me without any explanation, no fights, no any problems between us, nothing! I told him that and I told him it hurts me when friends just ghost me, leave me without word or just say "I am too busy to see you" and I told him I would much more prefer they just tell me truth even if it was ugly. If he said whatever: "you are to far", "you are too old", "you are boring" it would me much less painful then just "I am sooo busy" and never contact you again. Several women I considered friends in my past did that to me and it hurt me so much and he knew that. It's like he hurt me on purpose. I hate that my girlfriends left me without word and then he did that but it was worse with girls because I had long past with them, yet it's like I meant nothing to them.

I agree. I saw that man twice and I am done. He is obviously stringing me along or has dates with other women and just testing which one he prefers. He appears terrible. He was my colleague and appeared nice, a bit nerdy and intelligent, quiet, but again, as most people, he was horrible to me. Why he insists on dates when you never have time for me? Maybe in that case, it's not me, it's him. At least, I hope it wasn't me.

I don'\t see myself as "sex thing", I don't judge anyone who wants to present that way, but I am just middle aged nerdy woman and I don't even know how to be sexy. I think I appear too friendly and naive. And probably desperate for attention, and maybe that's what they see and use against me. I didn't even sleep with many men in my life, it mostly never got that far because they were horrible to me even before sex would be mentioned. I just stated few examples, but except for the younger man, I didn't actually sleep with any of them. Making out I don't count because it's mostly not what men want from women so even when we did that it's hardly a reason he would leave and ignore me.
When I think of it, you could be right, people treat me like trash because I appear like someone who wants attention, a friend, kindness, someone who is so desperate that I can take too much crap because I have low opinion on myself and men can see that. It could be all girlfriends who abandoned me when I was younger and that hurt me a lot in so many ways and lowered my opinion of myself a lot. Abuse I suffered in middle school by kids in my class, there was a lot of things that killed my self-esteem. I bet that shows. But it's not sex because most of them never got to it and the one that did actually hurt me more because I thought we became friends. Sometimes I think they see me as "sex thing" at first then get disappointed when they get to know me and realize I am totally not. I attract men who see me as object and they very soon realize I am just lonely, naive woman with low self-esteem who wants attention, kindness and friend. And they probably feel betrayed and get cruel towards me to "get revenge" or something like that.
Main problem might be all female friends in my past who left and ghosted me without a word. That scarred me for life. I still have no idea why. I think maybe I am just a very boring person. I don't know.

I don't agree. Men who are single after 40 or even 35 usually want to be single. They don't want anything meaningful. At least from my experience. Even men who are divorced usually don't want to engage in marriage again. Maybe I just got a bad batch but men I dated recently were all older than 40, yet they still acted like horrible asses to me. Many of them lied they want a connection then bailed when they realized sex is not going to happen so soon as they would want. But they lied so much. It's like I attract the worst people.
They would be nice at first then treated me like trash, and that was the worst. I seem to be unable to recognize who is nice a who is just a horrible person. I attract the worst, liars, cheaters, serial daters, maybe that's why they always treat me like trash because I chose poorly? I don't see myself as valuable person.

It’s simply not the case. Not at all. Perhaps it’s a cultural difference. In the US it’s pretty typical for men be interested in a marriage and/or relationship at whatever age. Many (if not most) after they divorced or widowed marry again pretty soon (or enter committed relationships). In fact in my experience men don’t like to be alone and have relationships/marry fairly soon after becoming single. Heck sometimes too soon. What you describe might be the case in your area. Or your circle. Not here

I think attracting wrong men and being attracted to wrong men is an issue. How was your family of origin? How did your father treat your mother? You seem to be attracted to emotionally unavailable men. Was your family emotionally unavailable?

I’ve had a very different experience. I’ve met men older than 40 who definitely want a relationship - even more so after they’ve been divorced.

The key thing is: you have to value and respect yourself and show this in all ways. When you value and respect yourself, you will avoid the turds and attract people who will also respect you.

I never met men who want relationships or marriage, except for my two exes. I don't know why. I think it might be my "vibe" is just wrong. I may think I value myself because I exercise, and take care of myself, and have many hobbies and creativities and nice job, but that still might not be a case. I think when a man meets a woman can take a lot of crap from him, he stops valuing her as a person. Maybe that's it. Not even a "sex vibe" just "I don't appreciate myself vibe". Even though they might not get sex from me, which makes them even more angry towards me, they can see my boundaries and my requirements for equal and quality relationship are not right. I can take a lot of crap and I am too eager and they lose all the respect. It doesn't have anything to do with sex, it's the thing they see there is a woman who appears to like and respect herself at first glance, but they, when they get to know me a little, they realize it's just on surface and I have deep insecurities which show, a lot.
But why are people so nasty that they treat me horrible because I am insecure and have abandonment issues? Why can't they be just nice to me? It's like they want a revenge because on the first sight I appeared as someone completely different and they feel they need to "punish" me because I am not? Or I really attract somehow horrible people just because my insecurities and lack of assertiveness show up immediately?
it may be all of that.
I had pretty normal parents, I don't think they were emotionally unavailable, but I was bullied in middle school a lot, and called "stupid", "ugly", "nerd", etc so that might be the root of problem.

I was bullied when I was young too and dealt with insecurity issues for years as an adult. The thing is, as adults, and no matter how horribly we may have been treated, it’s our responsibility to regain the lost confidence, reclaim our self worth and to learn self love. That’s the only way people will truly respect you in the end - is if you gain and show love for yourself to not take any crap from anyone - including men.

Unfortunately, deep and obvious insecurities are a huge turn off to most people. No one wants to have a cling on, or to have to constantly reassure someone or to constantly communicate that the person is lovable. It’s exhausting for other people and that’s why people generally turn away from an obviously insecure person.

I did not witness your interactions or anything about you with these men. But yes people can pick up on this and will turn away. It’s the sad and harsh truth.

For yourself, it’s important and vital to reclaim your self worth. You have SO MUCH going for you, and I’m sure you’re a very lovely person. Own it and learn to love yourself for all the beautiful things you really are. Once you do that, no one can truly hurt you. You know your own worth and those who are unworthy matter far less.

You ARE a valuable person

It wasn't just bullying, it was so much more. I had so many female friends leaving me without explanation, and even my sister always preferred other children and later other people than me. I don't know if I am a good person, I guess I am average, not evil, not a saint. And, here when I think about it, the low self esteem started with maybe my sister and female friends, girlfriends, not really with men. Maybe they don't even see me as "sex thing" as I thought, I mean, they see most women like that, so why not me also? But the problem could be as you wrote insecurities they don't feel right away but pick up soon enough to be turned off by me.
I don't know at this age if I can really change that. I don't really have bad opinion on myself, but it could be that I am so desperate for a friend, that it reeks to high heaven. And since female friends all abandoned me, I seek that in relationships with men, and of course, that can not end well.
It feels to me I am getting to revelations here. At least something.

You deserve to find someone who will treat you like the amazing person you are

Thank you, that's something I would love, but it never happens.

I have been desperate for companions before myself. It has typically pushed people away from me because they can smell the desperation. I think it’s a matter of becoming comfortable being on your own, in your own company and enjoying your own company. It’s also a matter of being able to be self reliant and self soothing on one’s own. It’s ok to want companions but it’s difficult for others when we come across as needy. So learning to be less needy, enjoy your own company and being comfortable in your own skin is important. I’m saying “you” not meaning YOU but more the collective us.

I have had the same issue with female friends leaving with no explanation. I have only recently realized that it's because I am on the autism spectrum. It seems like neurotypical women have a secret unspoken language that I was never taught and don't pick up on. So they just think I'm rude. I've also found that few women like to be honest about the reason they don't want to spend time with me. They prefer to be fake nice.

down is wonderful and does not need to change

You mentioned you are an artist. What kind of art?

It sounds like it’s shallow people that are looking for someone that can feed their ego that lack interest in you. This isn’t your fault.

Yes, it never happens because just the right person to love you, it’s yourself.

But I am alone a lot, and I am comfortable being alone, even too much. I live alone, with a cat, and work from home so basically, I am alone 24h a day, maybe 5 or 6 days a week. It's the fact that I do need someone to be there occasionally but I can't have that special person that bugs me.

I feel the same way! It's like not only they have a secret unspoken language, but they also have some secret rules of behavior and everything about gestures, the way they talk and behave I have no idea about. When I am with female friend or friends I feel like an intruder, elephant in a glass shop, I don't know how to explain that, but yes, like they have some unspoken rules and I just don't fit in. They also didn't tell me why they just left me. If I did or said something wrong it was unintentional.

I paint and draw illustrations, paintings, comics (I did comics before, not lately), and I am a writer (not famous, published, but never earned a nickel on my writing).
It may be I attract people who want to feed their ego on me. The man I mentioned who arranged dates an hour before his gym, and texted me barely anytime, I just asked him to return him his gadget and he totally seems to be thinking I am still interested in him. And STILL suggested we meet before his gym. I mean... how do I find these people?

I have been with myself for 50 year, I would really want to have a friend, at least one. I am tired of being alone forever.

Did he want to meet before gym so you can return his gadget? Did he say it’s a date? If he thought it will be a romantic date he is an idiot but some people assume if you contact them, you are into them. So arrogant

It’s hard to advice what needs to happen on a global scheme of you meeting right people but in situations like this maybe stop being too nice? You have his gadget. If he needs it he’d ask for it. He’s not asking so he doesn’t need it. Don’t contact him. Or find his address and mail it. Don’t contact people who treat you wrong

It's more a matter of not being desperate for a companion and of gaining more self confidence. It takes time.

Of course he wants to meet before gym! An arrogant man. he doesn't even want to spend some reasonable time for me, he even said when yesterday I asked him to return him the gadget like "you could come to meet me now I am just going to gym" like I am supposed to run to meet him when he finds it convenient? I said I have previous engagements and I can't. I didn't have anything but I don't want to run like a puppy when he calls. He is just an idiot and I don't want to owe him anything. And I would like to tell him to face when I give that crap to him that I don't want any contact with him anymore.
That's just one example how people treat me. In this case however, I am sure it's not me, it's him, as he doesn't know me yet at all. Maybe I sometimes just attract wrong people, people who want to feed their ego on me. Apparently I look like some with no free will or confidence so anyone can feed their ego on me.