[Wallflower1234]

My significant other and I have been together for 13 years and married for more than 5 of those years. We started dating when we were 19 and have grown into completely different people since we have been together. We barely have anything in common anymore and our interests are completely different. We have been struggling with intimacy for a long time, but it seems to have gotten worse over the last 6 months to a year. He still wants to be intimate but I have no interest and even when I try, I am just really not into it and he can tell... and then we stop. We both agree that what we are doing isn't working and we are more like roommates. I am not sure how to bring that spark back, I don't feel the same way that I used to about him but he still feels the same about me but is obviously incredibly frustrated.

I feel like he deserves a person that will meet his needs and I have not in a long time. I seem to enjoy my time alone more than I do when we are together. It is not because of anything he did, it's just how I feel lately. We have talked about trying couples therapy and that is our next step. But I can't help but feel like this is the beginning of the end. Are we trying to trying to fit a square peg into a round hole?

The idea of splitting up is scary because I do love the life we have together and I don't know what will happen if we decide to go that route. I think I just have a lot of fear of the unknown. We have been together for our entire adult life and I don't know who I am without him.

I don't really know what I am looking to get out of this post but I feel very lost and confused. I have not felt comfortable talking about it with friends yet so was wondering if anyone has any advice.

[Yaowen]

Since I have been in a somewhat similar situation, I can definitely identify with you. Unfortunately I didn't really gain any wisdom from the experience. In my case, a breakup resulted. Couple's therapy wasn't tried so I can't say anything positive or negative about that. Perhaps others here can.

Perhaps it is trivial to say this, but it seems as though the brain has a mind of its own. It can be whole-heartedly for something or against something and it can be divided and experience contrary emotions simultaneously.

I wonder if we are sometimes "victims" of our own brains in some sense.

We don't necessarily choose who we will fall in love with. And the process seems to contain elements we are not conscious of, forces that are operating outside our conscious minds.

Falling out of love seems to involve the same attributes. And the human brain doesn't seem to completely care that the processes can be messy.

I think we have strong, sometimes even unrealistic expectations about how a relationship should go, like how an ideal couple should be and behave.

Sometimes we can use our ideals to beat ourselves up when perhaps it would be better to sort of "beat up the ideals" especially when they turn out to be unrealistic. Maybe I am wrong about this. I am often wrong about things.

Wish I had some great and helpful insights to share or some really helpful practical advice, but sadly I am at a loss.

There are many members here on these Forums and hopefully others will see your post and respond with better words than my poor words. Apologies for my lack on insight. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find the optimum course of action in the situation you describe!

[DoroMona]

Couples therapy isn't necessarily the beginning of the end. I think it maybe seems that way because couples wait so long to go that once they actually decide to try it, the relationship is in seriously bad shape. Sounds like you and your husband still get along. Maybe the therapy will surprise you. Or maybe it will help you realize that you want very different things, so that you separate amicably. The situation you describe, where you want your alone time but he wants intimacy, could create some very toxic feelings on both sides if it goes on long enough.

[AzulOscuro]

I understand your feelings and your fears. Feelings for not wanting to hurt him because you care for him and fears because it’s very human to be scared with the unknown ahead.

You, guys, are still very young. Do you picture yourself falling in love with someone else? Or simply living alone?
My apologise if you already told it but I can’t recall it at this moment, do you brought out the topic with him? It’s very important he knows.

I never had more than my SO as a loving relationships so I can’t be of much help, either. Hope someone else can give you more insight.

[Open Eyes]

We do a lot of growing from age 19 into
Our 30’s. What you are describing is not unusual. Do you have children?

[Wallflower1234]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

I understand your feelings and your fears. Feelings for not wanting to hurt him because you care for him and fears because it’s very human to be scared with the unknown ahead.

You, guys, are still very young. Do you picture yourself falling in love with someone else? Or simply living alone?
My apologise if you already told it but I can’t recall it at this moment, do you brought out the topic with him? It’s very important he knows.

I never had more than my SO as a loving relationships so I can’t be of much help, either. Hope someone else can give you more insight.

Thank you for your response. At this point, if the couples therapy does not help then I picture myself living alone. I don’t know if separating would be something that could help us or not.

[Wallflower1234]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

We do a lot of growing from age 19 into
Our 30’s. What you are describing is not unusual. Do you have children?

We do not have children. We do have a few dogs together and own a home. We’ve build a great life for ourselves and I love that. So thinking of splitting up just seems so messy, but I know that staying in a marriage that isn’t working is also very messy and not healthy for either of us.

[Embracingtruth]

I have tremendous sympathy for you. I've been with my wife for 26 years and we dated for almost five before we got married. But we were much further down the road in age than what you guys started out. We've even acknowledged we probably wouldn't have lasted if we met sooner because we needed that prior experience to get us both in the same head space for the sake of individual identity and understanding of what we DIDN'T want.

But one thing you said did jump out at me. You're in your fifth year of marriage. That was a time stamp where we first had our struggles too. I've seen that allot, experienced it myself, and read about it as well. There's some kind of fatigue that seems to set in around this period of time with allot of people. What we did for our circumstances is create a date night each week where we would go to dinner and the movies and make our conversation just about that experience. That was a kind of "getting back to basics" approach to reset our emotional core. And it helped us get reacquainted with why we were there to begin with. This might be an idea to consider to see if it at least moves the needle.

But I also think at the heart of the issue was this feeling we were no longer individuals because of that marriage document. Truth is that was an allusion we both built up from not sharing like we use to and staying in tune with what one another was feeling like we did when we were dating. When communication breaks down, I think both parties tend to self isolate and that feeds these ideas of differences and feeling like we're really alone.

My wife and I do not have the same hobbies, but we both encourage and support each other with those interests. We are two separate individuals by definition and sometimes we have separate time that is devoted to those themes. We learned to express exactly who we are, but to allocate time for that, which means when it is our time together it means so much more. We figured out how to champion one another for who we are as individuals ,which gave our bond more meaning. Wearing those different hats allowed us to grow ourselves as the people we are, which meant our marriage fed those ideas rather than hindering them. We redefined what that support structure looks like so that meant when we were together it was because we WANTED to be together. Because of that allowance/acceptance of self expression we're actually closer now than ever before, because those other notions and interests we examine for ourselves are transient. Us being together under one roof is constant. We understand that value and bond more than ever.

[Fuzzybear]