Friend started analyzing me without my asking

TheGal · Feb 13, 2023, 11:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by seesaw

It's very suspect to me that SHE cried when you tell her that YOU are hurt. That's not empathy. That's taking the focus and turning it onto herself. She is crying because she did something that hurt you and because her actions are being confronted...she's not crying because you are hurt and she feels hurt for you.

]["I'm sorry you feel that way" can be an acceptable apology depending on the context around it. For example "I am so sorry you feel that way. It was never my intent to make you feel that way, and I'm sorry I did. Please know I don't want you to feel this way. I won't do that again." That would be sincere because they are sorry you feel the way you do and they acknowledge that despite that not being their intent, that it was the impact of their actions.

But "I'm sorry you feel that way. You misinterpreted me." OR "I'm sorry you feel that way. You took it wrong." Are not apologies. They are veiled or backhanded apologies that put the blame back on you, just like a backhanded compliment is actually a veiled insult.

I don't mind if someone starts an apology that way if the rest of the conversation is sincere and they do actually care. But if the conversation is turning it back onto me, then I will call them out on that.

Gal, I think what you've discovered is that this friend isn't a "safe" person to share to. I have discovered recently that some of my hobby groups are not as safe as I thought, and that's okay, I just know what I'm there for and how much I care to share. I know who the people in my life I can trust with the bigger, serious things are. You have to decide if she's someone you want a relationship with and at what level, with what boundaries or if it's just too much work to watch boundaries with her.

Thank you so much for your input, seesaw. You hit the nail on the head: she wasn't apologizing, she was putting the blame on me, plus trying to make me feel ashamed that I felt hurt.

She often talks about gaslighting, and how she's been gas-lit, etc. And here she is gaslighting me! Really, I should be laughing, but I feel like I am blaming myself because perhaps I should've seen this coming (although I didn't) and not share as much.

Sorry to hear some people in your hobby groups are not safe people with whom to share. But, you're right in not sharing with certain people. I'll do the same with her and let the relationship fizzle out... heck, people do show/tell you who they are and the revenge fantasies she told me she had are a major red flag... Bottom-line is that I don't feel safe with her anymore.

She hasn't called of late, and I feel like telling her straight that I don't want to be her friend anymore, but I think the smart thing to do is to let it fizzle out so as to protect myself from her wrath.

UnawareBS · Feb 17, 2023, 05:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheGal

I'm feeling down today and called a friend who elected herself, maybe not as therapist, but an analyst. All I said when asked "How are you?" was that I was so-so. Then she immediately went on a diatribe about how I'm hyper-sensitive, that I'm an empath and codependent.

I told her, I'm not asking her to be my therapist and she said "That's good. Thank you."

There was some truth in what she said, but I was calling to just chat and shoot the ***** and lighten up a bit.

Now I feel like cr*p.

How do you pick yourself up after someone presumes superiority over you?

I feel angry, especially that I didn't tell her to eff off.

As an aside, I made an excuse to cut the call short.

Have you had a similar situation? How did you deal with it?

What should I do going forward?

You might send them an email and ask them to watch your feelings.

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Friend started analyzing me without my asking

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