Friend started analyzing me without my asking

I'm feeling down today and called a friend who elected herself, maybe not as therapist, but an analyst. All I said when asked "How are you?" was that I was so-so. Then she immediately went on a diatribe about how I'm hyper-sensitive, that I'm an empath and codependent.

I told her, I'm not asking her to be my therapist and she said "That's good. Thank you."

There was some truth in what she said, but I was calling to just chat and shoot the ***** and lighten up a bit.

Now I feel like cr*p.

How do you pick yourself up after someone presumes superiority over you?

I feel angry, especially that I didn't tell her to eff off.

As an aside, I made an excuse to cut the call short.

Have you had a similar situation? How did you deal with it?

What should I do going forward?

I think if I cared about the friendship I might arrange a quiet chat when things had cooled down, and I’d tell her how I felt when she spoke to me that way. I’d give her space to reply and take it from there. If she’s someone who can self reflect and have an open honest discussion this might help.

However if I didn’t care about the friendship or I’d previously spoken with her about it and she’d ignored that then I’d consider letting the friendship go.

Good luck!

Letting things cool down.... that is a very good idea. Am i capable? I feel so hurt.

She is smart, but most of the stuff she says comes from watching online videos rather than independent thought.

She's on a kick of watching online videos about me, since I mentioned last week that I am highly sensitive.

To paraphrase her today, she said she'd been exploring narcissists but now she's exploring empaths.

I don't want to feel our relationship exists in a Petri dish.

I'd be angry about her presuming superiority over me and I might analyse her - if I cared about the friendship I might not tell her my thoughts.

I shared information about myself with her because I felt safe.

That feeling has now been violated... I don't feel safe with her anymore.

She just wanted to prove how smart she is, rather than consider my feelings.

UPDATE: Happy ending to the story

I called my friend as it was so important to me to express what was ultimately 'sadness'.

Essentially, I expressed myself clearly and not accusingly, I just talked about how her stance made me feel.

At first she was defensive, then she started to cry and I cried, then we laughed.

If anything, we feel closer now...

With your listening and writing, I was able to work out how I was feeling through this thread.

I realized I was harbouring resentment and, honestly, that made me feel even worse. I realized that I wanted to save the friendship and not let the resentment grow.

Wow!! Do I ever feel better now...!! Phewf... what a relief as the weight has been lifted.

Thank you all so much!!

Tbh I wouldn't want to be close friends with someone who wanted to play therapist.

@willowtigger, thanks for your feedback...

After a night's sleep, I feel differently about the situation.

I think she might very well be a narcissist, or close to it.

She didn't say she was sorry, she said instead 'I'm sorry that you feel that way." Essentially pinning it all on me.

She also, during her diatribe, said that she studied narcissists and can be better at their 'game' than they are.

That sounds pretty narcissistic to me. What do you all think?

I think her crying on the phone was crocodile tears to ensnare me somehow...

In short, I don't think she respects me.

And I think I've been a fool.

I'd be interested in more feedback.

Thank you...

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a get out but in my experience it’s common, a lot of people do have trouble fully apologising.

That said, it’s good to listen to your gut feeling, have you felt dismissed by her before?

Thank you for the question. It is generally her stance that indicates she thinks she is superior to me.

She frequently talks over me in conversation. Actually, "A LOT". That could be because she is frightened to lose her train of thought?? (She is not treated, but claims to have ADHD.) But, it's had the effect of making it a one-way conversation. And it is I who goes quiet when maybe I shouldn't be so docile??

I'm generally not a wallflower but I feel the only way to be friends with her is to let her get away with talking over me, allowing her to brag about her intelligence (when most of what she knows is information gleaned from YouTube videos), and generally being in agreement with her, even if she's not sensitive to me and my needs.

Although she hasn't claimed to be a genius, she often calls herself 'gifted'. She is intelligent, but only in certain ways in my opinion. She calls herself a scientist though she isn't employed as one. I told her my former pdoc said I was gifted and I was once talking and she said to me that what I had just said was the only 'gifted' thing she has heard me say. Well, I didn't know it was a competition.

During the 2nd conversation last night (the apology convo), she said that how dare I think that I am of greater importance to her than she is to herself: that she said she wasn't talking about me being highly-sensitive, an empath, codependent that she was talking about the research in reference to herself. But I said I just mentioned to her the previous week that the pdoc called me highly-sensitive. She said she couldn't remember that. I said how could she forget, I just mentioned it. She said so much, I was bombarded during the conversation. I think she was gaslighting me. and making it seem like she was apologizing when she really wasn't.

I wish I had recordings so I could read the transcript and learn to better defend myself.

Maybe it's a question of my having let her walk all over me?? for letting her get away with it?

These things you describe about her sound pretty narcissistic to me. I have a relationship with a person who talks over me, too. It could be a trait of her possible undiagnosed ADHD, which I suspect she has but don’t know. But mine doesn’t put me down and act superior like your friend does to you. This friend sounds like an antagonistic person and not someone you enjoy a friendship with. Talking about mental health with her is proving to not be a good idea. Boy, we sure have all gotten into some deep discussions over narcissism, empathy, etc lately… the whole world is talking. But, it isn’t a productive conversation when it feels unsupportive, competitive. The mental health discussion becomes a means to abuse. I suppose it’s best to have the discussion with the professionals instead.

You make so many good points, TishaBuv.

I feel angry with myself that I opened up to her and showed my vulnerability. I am also angry that it was used against me. I didn't ask for that. She really didn't have good intentions. And I don't feel safe with her anymore.

Some professionals are good to talk to, but not all though, in my experience.

I guess one has to find a way to keep on trucking in spite of the hurt and setbacks.

Thank you so much for your feedback! It's appreciated...

Some people love to analyze others because it deflects from their own issues. If they are always busy pinpointing what’s going on with others and randomly diagnosing (usually incorrectly) everyone, they’d never have to stop and think about their own lives and how to improve themselves.

She is a “scientist” yet she isn’t actually one. That one got me laughing. She wants herself to feel important.

It could be she feels superior. But in my experience people who act superior often actuality feel inadequate, unfulfilled and inferior, but to make themselves feel better they tried to put others down.

I doubt her behavior can be explained by having ADHD. Talking over others maybe. Saying offensive things? Not so much. It’s an excuse

Doesn’t sound like a good friend to me at all

Narcissistic people like to find out your vulnerabilities then use them against you. A true friend will care about you by listening to you confide your vulnerabilities and support you, never using them against you to make you feel less than, never act superior. That’s the narc’s game.

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Originally Posted by TheGal I'm feeling down today and called a friend who elected herself, maybe not as therapist, but an analyst. All I said when asked "How are you?" was that I was so-so. Then she immediately went on a diatribe about how I'm hyper-sensitive, that I'm an empath and codependent. ............What nerve ! What kind of friend is that ? It's funny how when most people ask how are you they really don't wanna know the truth. Just a simple " ah....I'm ok " I told her, I'm not asking her to be my therapist and she said "That's good. Thank you." .............Wow again ! How rude. That's when she would have heard the sound of the phone hanging up. Maybe you know this person well enough that they can talk to you like this ? There was some truth in what she said, but I was calling to just chat and shoot the ***** and lighten up a bit. .............. Is she your friend and " analyst " ? Either way I would have said , " guess this is not a good time " and hung up. Now I feel like cr*p. ................ I would feel hurt and angry.She should feel like cr*p because of the way she spoke to you. And I would expect an apology. How do you pick yourself up after someone presumes superiority over you? .................You pick yourself up with your pride and self esteem and let her know that her supposed superiority is nothing more than an inflated ego that she needs to put in check. I feel angry, especially that I didn't tell her to eff off. ....................You should feel angry and that's what I wanted to say earlier, I would have to her to F Off ! As an aside, I made an excuse to cut the call short. ...................No excuse needed , just hang up. With friends like that who needs enemies ! Have you had a similar situation? How did you deal with it? ...............Anytime someone claimed superiority over me I wind up belittling them in ways they find , well , belittling. Now if they have REAL power over me than I just have to bite my tongue for awhile. What should I do going forward?

..............It depends on how much you are afraid of losing her as a friend. Wait for her to call YOU and then just explain how much you were hurt last time by her insensitive remarks. Then just take it from there.
Good luck..........

Thank you divine1966, TishaBuv, and moodyblues83 for your feedback ... it is so appreciated!!........................................@__ divine 1966... I ought to have laughed when she said she's a scientist, as it's not the first time either. I am (overly?) sensitive to other's feeling so I kept quiet which to her must've seemed like I agreed with her. One thing for me to note is that I am too accommodating to other people. It was a survival technique that I had to use in childhood. But, I don't need to use it now... in fact, it's making me vulnerable to be preyed upon. But, that being said, I hope for humility and grace and not to lash out at others for the sake of lashing out, as the pendulum swings; however, to defend myself when the time arises to defend myself... maybe I could use humour to keep others in check before they hurt me or take the stance that they are superior to me? Any thoughts?..........................................@__ TishaBuv ... She really was cruel to me to use my vulnerabilities against me... that is not a friend... the irony is that I shared my vulnerabilities with her... I'm less angry at myself today, and more sad about it... but live and learn... I heard on tv the other day, to give yourself the grace of understanding while committing to move forward... I will try to take this as a learning experience and be gentle with myself... I just don't want to be afraid to share my vulnerabilities again with someone, as I feel I might shut off, but I definitely need to be more selective. though. I really didn't see this coming from her, as I've been so kind to her... I am somehow reminded of the old saying, however, that when someone tells you who that are, believe them: she said she could play the narc's game better than they could... scary stuff really. That would mean, she is a manipulator, no?.........................................@__ moodblues83..... thank you for showing me that not only do I have the right to be angry, but that this situation calls for my being angry and need to stand up for myself... You're right it was very rude of her to say, "Good. Thank you." when I said that I didn't ask for her to be me therapist. I truly ought to have ended the call there. She showed a lot of hubris and cheek by saying that.... I won't call her again, but when she calls me back, I think I'll just tell her that I am unavailable to talk... there's a line that's drawn in the sand and she over-stepped it and hurt me. She didn't even say she was sorry, but said, "I'm sorry, you feel that way." Pretty big cop out. Like you alluded, with friends like these who needs enemies... I don't want to get into a major fight with her for 2 reasons? one, what is the point as the friendship in over now AND two, she said she has revenge fantasies about other people, and I don't want her to hurt me in some way... I am afraid of her, now, how would you suggest I handle the situation? Just let things slowly peter out... ??......................Thank you all again... you're really helping me!!

^^ Sorry about the spacing of the text, I have to update my browser...

Oh revenge fantasies are a huge red flag.

You say you’re afraid of her, are you wanting to safely leave the friendship?

You could gradually reduce contact, just be available less, cut short time spent with her.

Thank you so much for the feedback, Discombobulated... I appreciate it!She told me about the revenge fantasies awhile ago when she had been let down by someone who was an apparent narcissist (so she said!), and it did made me jump up and take notice, but then I second-guessed myself and said to myself that she could've hidden the truth, so at least she was being honest. But, you know, I never forgot it. And the fear has resurfaced now that I confronted her.

And, yes I do want to end the relationship with her. Clearly, she doesn't respect me. So how could she genuinely care about me, if there's no respect?

I know how wounding that experience can be. I'm sorry it's gotten to where you have to consider ending the relationship. Sometimes we come to realize that talking to a particular person is just not good for us. It's a stark reality to face.

I have a friend of 20 years. I found that whenever I discussed something really hard that I was going through, I always came away from her feeling way worse than before I talked to her. So I stopped calling her whenever I was feeling blue. It's hard to consider someone like that a close friend. I knew she did want us to be close friends. She sure went about it the wrong way.

We were having long phone chats about twice a week. She's a person who likes to needle people. I figured that added a little spice to our talks, and I was willing to let her occasional snide zingers go by. Then I noticed that, about every 3rd phone call, I was getting baited into an argument. She loves to win arguments. She'ld say something provoking. I'ld try to let it go. But she'ld keep pressing the point, getting rather aggressive about it. Finally I'ld had it.

Her number is now blocked on my phone. I feel bad doing that to someone I've known 20 years. I go back and forth about repairing the rift, which I'm sure I could do. But I keep deciding that I will leave things as they are. She made me feel bad too, too many times. That's not good for me.

She was the one who used to initiate most phone calls. It seemed she liked talking with me a lot more than I liked talking with her. That gets to be draining. I don't require perfect reciprocity. Seldom do we get that. But I've been trying to get away from persons who make me feel lousy.

They say nobody can "make you feel" anything. I understand the point of that. There is some validity in that. But if I keep feeling let down when I engage with a person, then maybe I'm making myself feel bad by giving this person too much access to me.

You sound healthy in how you feel. It’s good you say you don’t want to become negative in the relationship and prefer to step back to protect yourself.

I’ve had/have relationships where I hang up the phone feeling worse, too. I have struggle in this way from my mother, though we never had toxic phone conversations until I was in my 30’s. I had a best friend who became way too much this kind of a struggle, and had to end the friendship for exactly this reason of her using my vulnerabilities against me to make herself feel better about herself. I wonder if the groundwork needs to be laid by a family of origin dysfunction to later choose a frenemy relationship.

There was a dynamic of dumping emotions on the other person. They would be supportive, then dump theirs back at you. This seemed to be a loving, supportive relationship. But it really wasn’t when jabs got taken as put downs, usually disguised as humor, thinly veiled insults. I make a conscious effort now to just give the good news, keep it light, just the facts ma’am with my mother. I’ve had many conversations with my sister where we discuss the family dysfunction and mental health (out of the necessity of having to cope), and these talks are honestly supportive. I don’t hang up feeling bruised. But, now that we have discussed and understand the pathology we are coping with, there isn’t much more to say except to encourage to cope.

I wish I had been able to maintain better self control and not become negative in a toxic relationship. My anger made it worse and was not a good look on me. It was too hard to contain my anger and frustration. As the heat was dialed up on me, and I didn’t see it coming, wasn’t prepared, was in shock, it was not possible for me to stay calm. I lost myself in my emotions and am ashamed by how that made me look. It’s not who I am. And yet I have to accept that is who I became for a long time in my life. So sending strength to you to stay true to yourself.

My suggestion to step back from this friend is to just gradually stop discussing the subjects that have become a struggle. If there are things you enjoy doing with her that build a connection, then pursue those. I agree, don’t incite her especially if she says she is a vindictive person. I find people do tell you who they are and it is wise to believe them. Even really bad, dangerous people have outright told me they are. It’s almost like they bragged.

It's very suspect to me that SHE cried when you tell her that YOU are hurt. That's not empathy. That's taking the focus and turning it onto herself. She is crying because she did something that hurt you and because her actions are being confronted...she's not crying because you are hurt and she feels hurt for you.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" can be an acceptable apology depending on the context around it. For example "I am so sorry you feel that way. It was never my intent to make you feel that way, and I'm sorry I did. Please know I don't want you to feel this way. I won't do that again." That would be sincere because they are sorry you feel the way you do and they acknowledge that despite that not being their intent, that it was the impact of their actions.

But "I'm sorry you feel that way. You misinterpreted me." OR "I'm sorry you feel that way. You took it wrong." Are not apologies. They are veiled or backhanded apologies that put the blame back on you, just like a backhanded compliment is actually a veiled insult.

I don't mind if someone starts an apology that way if the rest of the conversation is sincere and they do actually care. But if the conversation is turning it back onto me, then I will call them out on that.

Gal, I think what you've discovered is that this friend isn't a "safe" person to share to. I have discovered recently that some of my hobby groups are not as safe as I thought, and that's okay, I just know what I'm there for and how much I care to share. I know who the people in my life I can trust with the bigger, serious things are. You have to decide if she's someone you want a relationship with and at what level, with what boundaries or if it's just too much work to watch boundaries with her.

Thanks so much, Rose76, for sharing your story. Sorry that you had to go through that.

I highlighted some things that you said which really resonated with me.

Essentially, she'd call, talk over me, and talk for 1 1/2 - 2 hours. It was draining to say the least, but I kept her around because I do not have many friends where I live since I moved and phone calls seems to be the only contact I have with friends from where I used to live.

Time for some new friends, perhaps.

Thank you, TishaBuv, thank you for your brutal honesty. I am asking myself how the frenemy relationship was allowed to bud on my end. Given that I come from a dysfunctional family, the biggest thing I can figure are these 2 points, especially:

1) I wasn't allowed to feel/express my unpleasant emotions (such as anger, for instance):

2) I wasn't allowed to defend myself (if I tried I got trounced physically or had love withdrawn).

So, in adult life, I find myself struggling to deal with the above and I tend to internalized anger and blame myself and, thus, become depressed.

I am sorry you've been hurt by your mother. Sounds like you're doing the right things by keeping it light and talking about nothing. So sorry to also hear that you had a best friend who used your vulnerabilities against you. This resonates with me in this particular relationship with this woman. She's been downright cruel; I'm hard enough on myself, so I don't need someone else dishing out what I don't deserve and nor do you.