[ComplicatedHurt]

Trying to get my head around something and could use some opinions to help me sort it in my head. It's a long story but;

I'm a man in my early 40's.

I was in a 5 year relationship, this was my first and only (so far) long term relationship since my marriage ended. We met not long after my marriage ended - it was one of those chance meetings on the school run. We got to chatting, and it wasn't anymore than that for a long time as I was really hurt over the end of my marriage (my ex wife left me for a man she had an affair with). After around a year of knowing each other we started dating and quickly fell into a relationship.

We never lived together, I had suggested it at one point, but she felt we were better as we were, at least until our kids from previous relationships were a little older. I was ok with this as honestly, she was terrible with money, frequently failing to pay bills or her rent and at one point was evicted from her home because of it (this was when I invited her and her son to live with me).

Anyway, the relationship was, at times, a challenge. She was convinced I was still in love with my ex wife throughout our relationship simply because we managed to co-parent our child effectively and weren't at each others throats all the time like she was with her ex-husband who was the father of her child. We had little in common and shared few interests. Had different priorities and values. But - we had a lot of fun together and spent a lot of time together with the kids as well. She would always say I was the only man who'd ever treated her well, supported her and didn't treat her like a piece of meat.

Anyway, one night we were chatting late at night after a few drinks and she decided she wanted complete honesty and confessed to me that for the past few months she'd been making extra money by doing phone sex. I felt a little perturbed by this, but was ultimately ok with it - and this led me to confess that I'd dabbled in crossdressing in the past and had been curious about experimenting with other men on occasion but had never gone through with it, but assured her I would always be faithful to her.

She LOVED this. And decided to indulge my crossdressing, buying me outfits, doing my make up and helping me with hair and thanks to her I was able to convincingly pass as female and we went out a few times as women. I couldn't have been happier.

Anyway, along came the pandemic, and the lockdowns here. To begin with, she was taking it all very seriously and taking every precaution, while I did the same. We didn't see each other for a few months as we were both being diligent but talking on the phone daily. Eventually we were allowed to 'support bubble' with one other household where there was only one adult so we were each others and this meant that we could spend a little time together at each others homes.

Then, I got taken ill (not covid). I was hospitalised and came close to dying. I had to sheild, as my immune system had basically been turned off with medication and this meant I couldn't take any risks at all with covid.

This tied in with her getting bored of lockdowns and deciding to ignore the advice and started having parties and friends over etc.

She'd invite me, knowing my situation, and telling me to 'just wear a mask' despite the fact I was struggling to breathe and could barely get ut of bed for more than a few hours each day, and getting angry and impatient with me if I didn't take her out places etc.

I didn't know this - but she'd started to tell her friends that she thought I was cheating on her, with men, (she'd told all her friends about what I'd confessed)

As I recovered, and had the vaccines (which she refused to get) we started to see each other a little more but I was still getting tired easily and this had an impact on our sex life - which again led to her convincing herself I was cheating on her.

IT all came to a head one night when after some wine, I was too tired for sex and she got angry at me, and confessed that she'd been feeling neglected for a while and had fallen in love with a married co-worker (who didn't even know about it), had slept with another man while I was recovering, and that she didn't want to be with 'a bummer' (her words) she no longer had feelings for me, and had felt this way for a while.

We broke up on the spot. I was crushed, as I hadn't seen any of this coming, from my point of view, aside from the impatience about my covid precautions, she'd seemed supportive and understanding to me. I spent along time trying to reconcile.

Over the next few months, she vilified me as if I'd done something terrible to her, talking *** about me to anyone who'd listen but eventually, we'd managed to get back a tentative friendship.

that all ended about 6 months ago though (we'd been broken up 18 months at this point). Having been single for some time, and coming to the realisation that she was not right for me, I had decided to explore those urges I'd had before, and finally accepted that I'm bisexual, and slept with a man.

the mistake I'd made was forgetting that her gay best friend will do anything for drama, had seen me on a gay hookup app and showed her my profile.

She kicked right off at me, and harrassed me for weeks about how i'd lied to her, betrayed her, 'duped' her, and sending me vitriolic messages and voicemails.

She deleted me on social media and we've not spoken since.

I spoke to a mutual acquaintance yesterday, and now, almost 2 years since we broke up she's still furious with me, bad mouths me at every opportunity, tells lies about me, and takes any opportunity she can to tell people what a scumbag I am, and how she's glad she cheated on me.

She's suffering with depression, doing drugs, failing to pay her bills, getting into trouble at work and blaming all of this on me.

She's told her son everything, from her point of view, and he now hates me (we'd managed to stay in touch as I was the closest thing to an involved dad he had).

So far, she's not said anything to my family or friends (i'm not out yet about my sexuality, purely because I need to be sure my ex wife won't make things difficult for me regarding child access, and my ex-gfs reaction has honestly scared me)

Now, I don't think i've done anything wrong, but her reaction has obviously come from somewhere. No smoke without fire so to speak.

From MY point of view, I fell in love, opened up, fell ill, and got cheated on. SHE slept with someone else. SHE fell for someone else. SHE couldn't support me when I needed her the most, despite the fact that for 5 years I'd dropped everything and come running to bail her out of crisis after crisis of her own making (like her eviction, when I spent my savings paying her debts to make sure she could get a home).

Yet, I'm being vilified by someone who left ME, for someone else, for finally exploring my sexuality - she's acting as thought I'd slept with this guy while we were together and was the reason for our break up when it was a full year after we split before I did anything.


Why would she be so angry, about something that had no bearing on our relationship, and occurred so long after we split up and she insisted she had no feelings for me anymore??

Or am I in the wrong? Is she right to be angry?

More to the point, why can't I just let go and move on, I shouldn't care what she thinks, but she's been so viscous about me I guess I feel really unfairly judged.

[Skeezyks]

Welcome to MSF, ComplicatedHurt. I'm sorry I probably don't have a lot to offer with regard to all of this. (Hopefully there will be other MSF members who will have insights they can share.) To me, it simply sounds as though you became involved with a woman who has a lot of personal problems... a "rebound relationship" so to speak. Based on what you wrote, it doesn't sound as though you did anything wrong.

Why can't you just let it go? Perhaps you're still feeling vulnerable as a result of the break-up of your marriage on top then having the experience you describe with this woman while also exploring your sexuality and having been ill on top of it all? That's a lot to deal with in a relatively brief period of time. It's not surprising to me you'd feel raw. Plus, I think, anytime someone repeatedly, and unfairly, impugns your character it's difficult to let something like that go.

At least those are my thoughts regarding your post. Hopefully coming here to MSF can be of some small help. Best wishes...

[Open Eyes]

This woman sounds very selfish and mean. Unfortunately there are people like that out there in the world.

[Have Hope]

This woman you were with, your ex gf, blames everything on you and takes NO responsibility for her own life, let alone her poor behavior that led to the breakup. You did absolutely nothing wrong and In fact, she used your confession against you as a weapon to vilify you.

It's hard to let go when someone defames your character to others. Unfortunately, this is all of your control. You don't have to defend yourself against her ridiculous claims - she will look like the villain and negative person by constantly talking shi*t about you to everyone else. People pick up on these things and notice who is bad mouthing and who isn't.

I say move on.... explore your sexuality, enjoy your life and steer clear of this woman. She is a toxic hot mess, as they say. No need to pay heed to someone so low and who is so toxic.

[ComplicatedHurt]

Thanks everyone.

That has helped me feel a bit better.

I was feeling immense guilt after her initial meltdown, and learning that this far on she's still so angry really upset me.

I consider myself a good person. I treated her well, and have never intentionally hurt anyone. So I find it difficult when someone is painting me as a bad person, particularly someone to whom I did so much for.

Also, maybe I'm wrong here, but i don't really consider my sexuality to ne anyones business but mine and don't consider there any obligation to share it with anyone, even a partner, so long as I'm faithful and loving to them.

I don't intend to have any further contact with her. But, her volatility scares me and she is the sort of person, I believe, to act vindictively given the chance.

[divine1966]

I believe that most people are good people. Then there are some people who might not be great at the moment, but there’s hope that they’ll improve. And then there are people who are just horrible. And that’s your ex.

Be done with this terrible terrible person. Block her and get her out of your life for good