[pliepla]

This message is about sexuality and things that happened that I cannot even label. I dont even know in which subforum to place them.

I am well aware that this might be difficult to some, therefore I hide it in a trigger.

Possible trigger:

Yesterday I had a particularly disturbing conversation with my T. Things started - as so often - with the difficulty I expericence with leading a meaningful life. I always thought that being forced into an education I did not want were instrumental in this but more recently I am worrying more and more about difficulties in connecting with people and general and the unability to establish a romantic relationship in particular.

From there, the conversation went to a pattern I have been dealing with for months: I meet sombody, have a nice chat, think of her for a few days or a week, am scared that I am falling in love and do everything I can think so spuppress my thoughts and feelings and to avoid that person. But recently, I met somebody that I can't get out of my mind (and who started a relationship with somebody else shortly after we first met) and I couldn't get her out of my head. Probably because in this case, I cant hide from her.

From there, we went to familiar ground. "How do you deal with this?". Well, for one I was diagnosed with arythmia and carry an ICD and I believe that this will chase off any good partners so I think of this whenever I think of her, I am considering a mail order bride and I am also thinking of starting to date casually. I also pointed out this will not make me happy but there's a big chance this will devastate me even more. I need the connection, not sex. I don't really enjoy sex. And then, I opened a box that I should not have opened ...

"Why is that?" - Well, I've started late and have always been insecure about my "lack of skill" and this and that - all things that have been discussed time and again - and my ex wife used to hurt me during sex. I have told her many times I did not enjoy or want that but eventually gave up. And then, there was silence. There was not much time left to elaborate but I could mention the confusion this situation created but I believe I don't want to discuss this now (probably also because this might make you guys even uneasier with my ongoing ramblings).

I started this relationship when I was 36 and we broke up when I was 47. We have been sexually active for the first seven years. After that, sex became a means of emotional blackmail but she never kept her part of the deal. We have been separated for 3.5 years now.

I am pretty confused at the moment. I dont even know how to "label" this - although I I have my suspicion and I can hardly believe this can happen to an adult - and I'm afraid this will be particularly hard to deal with and it will probably label me - even more than my ICD - as "unfit for a relationship". I don't want to be this lonely for the rest of my life.

Worst of all: on top of all the confusion, in two days I have an exam on machine learning in a course program that I've paid several thousands of euros for

[lemonSys]

First, I want to commend you on having this/these talks with your therapist. Takes guts. Kudos

[So as to follow your lead, I will respond with my message “hidden” by a trigger warning]

Possible trigger:

I was diagnosed with arythmia and carry an ICD and I believe that this will chase off any good partners.

Sorry, I’m not that well versed in ICDs, but I thought these were implanted and not carried? Am I wrong? Are there different types? Whether internal or external, though, I get how it can make you self conscious and lead you to think it will “chase off” potential good partners. But - if someone is in fact chased off by this, would that person actually have been a good partner for you? If they can’t accept this reality, this part of you, do you really want to be with them? What do you consider are qualities of a good partner and a good relationship? Don’t settle - this will likely foster resent, I think.

…and my ex wife used to hurt me during sex. I have told her many times I did not enjoy or want that but eventually gave up…I started this relationship when I was 36 and we broke up when I was 47. We have been sexually active for the first seven years. After that, sex became a means of emotional blackmail but she never kept her part of the deal.

Ugh, I’m sorry. All of that was very much NOT OK for your ex wife to do. I’m glad to hear you can say she is an ex.

…I dont even know how to "label" this…although I have my suspicion and I can hardly believe this can happen to an adult…

Hmmm…”my ex wife used to hurt me” and “emotional blackmail”…I think you’re labeling just fine But, I get what you are actually meaning, I think. And, I’d have to agree

Also, this happens to adults more than you might think. Grade school bullies get older, too, and so do their targets. And the playgrounds and lunchrooms are replaced with work settings and bedrooms. You’re not alone.

…and I'm afraid this will be particularly hard to deal with…

Yeah - it will be hard to deal with. But you CAN deal with it. In fact, you’ve already started to deal with it.

…and it will probably label me - even more than my ICD - as "unfit for a relationship".

Kindly reference what I said earlier about “chasing off a good partner”🙂 This is a part of what makes you you, right? If someone deems that because of this you are unfit for a relationship, f**k them. Not the right one - nor even a decent one, imo.

And please don’t label yourself as unfit/undeserving of a relationship because of this! Admittedly, though, I do this exact thing due to my past so I know it’s gonna be really hard to do. Ppl keep telling me this is unfair, unwarranted, to do to myself, so I’m passing it on to you. Would you tell a friend in this kind of position that they are undeserving/unfit for a relationship, a connection, because of these past experiences?

I don't want to be this lonely for the rest of my life.

I empathize with this. I feel I’ll be eternally alone and lonely, too. It’s really depressing to think about. Maybe we will be alone forever. But, maybe we wont…Maybe we wont. To win the lottery, you first have to by a ticket, you have to play. So, to not be alone forever, we gotta first allow ourselves a chance to develop a relationship, to not resign to the thought that we are unfit and undeserving of a connection…

Worst of all: on top of all the confusion, in two days I have an exam on machine learning in a course program that I've paid several thousands of euros for

Good luck!

Curious: Machine learning…like AI? Algorithms?

— lemonSys and lemonSys[K]

[pliepla]

Thanks a lot for this. It made me cry, but not necessarily in a bad sense. It was more that I was touched by what you wrote than sad.

I have given things some thought. It is not that a label really changes anything. My uncertainty and anxiety have been around for a while, it's just that I now understand where they come from. And yes, since I've suffered from these, I've always had the feeling that they would curb my abilities to find a partner. Just as my ICD does (it is an implant, I might have chosen the wrong wordt). Your words did offer me some consolation.

And yes, it's machine learning as in AI. I do have a background in software development and more recently a masters degree in languages too.

[lemonSys]

Keep an open mind to the future - and remember that sometimes we find what we need not because we went looking for it, but because once it was there, we realized that that was what we needed.

Very cool about AI and languages, too. I love languages - verbal/written as well as programming languages.

Starting in 6th grade, I studied Spanish, French, and Japanese until junior yr college. And I was a comp sci major, too, but that only lasted a year. Once I had my first EECS (electrical engineering and comp sci) class where we had to turn in “papers” of machine lang and even binary code - literally multiple pages of only one’s and zero’s - I decided that it wasn’t for me (admittedly I was influenced by the fact that I tried my ***** off in that class, but still failed). Anyhow, I bounced around majors like a good liberal arts student and eventually ended up with a psych degree. My masters is in a psych related field, as well, but also incorporated a language aspect because of all the dang field specific terms etc. I feel nerdy saying this, but those years getting that degree were actually pretty fun.

Anyhow, your exam is tomorrow, I think - good luck!

— lemonSys

[pliepla]

Originally Posted by lemonSys

Anyhow, your exam is tomorrow, I think - good luck!

— lemonSys

Believe it or not ... I passed all my exams!

[Bill3]

Congratulations!