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An update ....
There has been silence since the news of her date. And awkwardness when we met, except for two days after she brought the news when I had been talking to the other lady I have had a few long talks with. After that, we had our first long and serious talk. Still, I had the feeling news of her dating helped to leave things after me (it really felt like things were going nowhere in the first place).
Last Saturday, I was really missing her, I don't even know why. In the evening, she asked if I was going to an event in Bruges. I was indeed going anyway so we left together. On the way there, she told me she would be meeting somebody from tinder (and this evening there will be a tinderdate too and I will again be the priviliged spectator). On the way home, we had our second serious talk in months. About relationships, about her dating (her date had a date with her female friend that was there too and seemed more interested in dancing with her), her strong desire to have company, but also about my perception that tinder is a toxic environment because when I tried it, I had the impression that being honest about certain things is a dealbreaker and difficulties of hoping to meet somebody in daily life. She said nothing is more attractive than a man who dares to show his vulnurable side. I have being doing that but still ... Anyway, given the way she is going from date to date, I don't think she's ready to step out of her pattern.
In general, our two talks - in my eyes - confirm she would be a great match for me, if only she would step out her routine. But I'm afraid she has never seen me the same way and nor will she ever. I'm having a hard time because I did finally manage to have the conversations I have been trying to build up to (and which I consider the basis for something stable) at the exact moment I see my worst fear of being deemed unworthy confirmed.
That said, I do remember the conversations with the other woman (who, to be honest, would be great too and probably a more sensible choice if that even matters). But somehow, when I can have these same conversations with somebody who puts me with the garbage, it seems pointless to attach any value to kindness, empathy, a mutual interst in each other and definitely it is not something that should give me hope for any perspective with somebody I can talk to in this manner. There must be somethin else, some elusive quality that I am lacking.
Also, there is somebody I met dancing in Bruges a little over a month and a half ago. I knew she would be there and was looking forward to meeting her. I had some idea of how things would be and to be honest ... meeting her felt better than I imagined. Too bad I have an other appointment and will have to miss out on Bruges next week but she appears a bit too light-hearted for me. I don't want to drag anyone down with me.
On the other hand, regardless of the joy and confidence it has given me the last two months, I am considering to quit dancing. What good is there to spend all my free time in an environment where things won't happen? I am not sure if it is even wise to act as I am doing now; I am still suffering from the agony that comes with being branded as crap and being in touch with three ladies might just triple the agony.
And also, when I think about either of them - and this has been going on for months - I point out ot myself that I am completely worthless, an absolute jerk, ugly as hell etc. and that I should stop dreaming about meeting somebody as I will only make people unhappy. In a way it feels safe as I hope it will help me to stay away from any situation where I will be hurt again but my therapist says it is not a wise way to deal with my feelings and that I will inevitably end up in situations where I will get hurt because there will always be somebody whom I will be interested in.
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Jun 21, 2023, 06:18 AM
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