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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
Posts: 1,316
4 272 hugs
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#1
I have one good friend who is normally honest, but she seems to have a problem with communication sometimes. She said a people pleaser who is working on her issues.
Anyways., I don’t really think that I did anything wrong. I might’ve inadvertently annoyed her without meaning to. We went out last week & we had fun, ar least I think she had fun. I noticed rhat she was on her phone a lot ar this show. Anyways, she told me yesterday that she is very busy & tired as she is working 10 hours or more a day during the week. And if she’s not working during the werk, she’s also working on both Saturday & Sunday at the same job as an H.R manager in an office. She has never mentioned working on the weekend before. I think that this is very weird. She has used the ‘she’s to busy’ excuse to definitely blow off the mooch I talked about before. She can’t being herself to hurt her feelings by being honest with her. She’d rather just hope that lady eventually gets the hint. I’m worried that she’s doing that woth me too. Her excuse sounds weird. It sounds like a lie. She ignored my question when I asked her if she’s working every weekend now. It’s her go to response when she’s overwhelmed. That she’s to busy or to tired. Almost every attempt to communicate with her as seen as ‘drama’ that she doesn’t want to deal with. I had no idea that she was upset with me for something until months later then she snapped at me which is rare. She got two flat tires on the way back from the concert & I think that maybe she might be blaming me for things as I might’ve distracted her, idk. We waited 2 hours for AAA. I suggested taking the train, but she wanted to drive. I can’t drive at night. She has told me that I’m a good friend & blah, blah, blah, but part of me feels like she’s tired of me or annoyed ar me now for trivial reasons that aren’t completely my fault, I did tell her to be careful when driving as she was driving to close to other cars & she said to me, do you want to drive? My safety is important to me. I’m normally not a back sear driver. It seemed like whe wasn’t paying as much attention to driving as she whould have. I’m worried about this. I feel like she might be upset & ignoring me. Why would she do this if this an excuse though? If she needs space, then why not just say so? Why can’t she just say what she means & communicate her feelings more openly? |
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
Posts: 1,316
4 272 hugs
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#2
Also, she has acted like I was pressuring her a few times just by asking her for an answer to something. I’ve asked her if she’d live to go to a certain event & then end uo neing ignored for weeks. I then ask her about it & she’ll day she didn’t see it, or more likely, that she’s going through a lit & is under a lot of stress. I understand that. This is frustrating though to be ignored & treated like you’re harassing someone just for asking for a yes or no answer.
She alsi will usually say I’ll think about it instead of giving a yes or no answer at times like everything is a major decision. It’s annoying, but I didn’t mention that to her. Sometimes she’ll give me a yes or no answer. She also suffers from anxiety & depression, so I try to be paitient with her. Her attitude is a bit to much at times. I feel like I’m bothering her sometimes. I’m not, it just feels that way to me based on some of her responses to me. Why is she like this? I know that people on here don’t know her, but maybe some of you smart people can offer some insight into this? |
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,258
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#3
Often people would rather make excuses than outright tell you they don’t want to get together with you. They just don’t like confrontation and would rather lie.
When I have felt like a friend wasn’t interested in seeing me, I backed off right away. It would have felt really embarrassing to me to keep pressing them and getting rejected. I would take the hint. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Oct 2004
Location: Kentucky, USA
Posts: 24,829
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#4
Time to take a break from this person.....let them call if ever interested in communicating with you....otherwise let the relationship fade away. Sounds like no big loss
__________________ Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
Posts: 1,316
4 272 hugs
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#5
Quote:
It sounds like a lie. She’s never said anything about working on the weekends before. We never had any major disagreements, so I don’t understand why she’d do this. I’m not unreasonable. If she needs space, she should just tell me that & not make up a possible lie that I’d question her on. |
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
Posts: 1,316
4 272 hugs
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#6
Quote:
It spinds like a lie. She’s never said anything about working on the weekends before. We never had any manor disagreements, so I don’t understand why she’d do this. I’m not unreasonable. If she needs space, she should just tell me that & not make up a possible lie that I’d question her on. |
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,258
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#7
Quote:
If I were your friend and had lied rather than being direct, I’d be put off if my friend started questioning me about my lie, and would have to lie more to cover it up or just start avoiding that friend. If I was interrogated on the lie, it would probably turn into a fight and then good bye friend. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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unaluna
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
Posts: 1,316
4 272 hugs
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#8
Quote:
If she is, I’ll drop it. You do have a point. I didn’t think about that. She does seem to be kind of the avoidant type usually. I’m the straightforward type, so our communication styles are different at times. I’ll need to get better at reading her weird & frustrating hints, ugh! |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Oct 2004
Location: Kentucky, USA
Posts: 24,829
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#9
Quote:
__________________ Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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divine1966, Open Eyes
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,533
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#10
If she works 10 hours a day she likely finds it too much committing to weekend events, she needs to rest and chores done etc but who knows. She might be afraid to start a major confrontation or even a blow up fight if she is more direct. I’d back off and see if she comes forward. If she does, good. If she doesn’t, you’ll know where you stand.
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
Posts: 1,316
4 272 hugs
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#11
Quote:
It sounds like a lie. She’s never said anything about working on the weekends before. We never had any manor disagreements, so I don’t understand why she’d do this. I’m starting to feel that I’m going to need to be extra careful around her from now on as she seems more fragile these days. She says she doesn’t always tell me everything. She seems to be more sensitive than usual too. She also seems like she’s anorexic. She used to be bullimic/anorexic & would go to restaurant to restaurant & binge. She barely eats much & she looks weak & frail. I unfortunately made some comments about how she doesn’t usually eat much. Hopefully I didn’t trigger her. I probably did though. I’m not unreasonable. If she needs space, she should just tell me that & not make up a possible lie that I’d question her on. I dislike dishonesty & being lied to & she knows that. I’m not an unreasonable person. I wouldn’t get mad or upset with her if she told me that she needs space. But to come up with a fishy excuse is insulting. The fact that she avoided answering my legit question makes me suspicious of things. Does it sound like she’s lying to me? She works in an offiice. |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,533
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9 1,280 hugs
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#12
Quote:
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Grand Member
Member Since Feb 2022
Location: Scotland
Posts: 772
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#13
If I were you, I’d be worried about this friend. It sounds like she isn’t doing well and you know she has a history of mental health problems.
I’d be reaching out to her and offering an opportunity to talk if she wants to, but without pressure. But I wouldn’t be offended if she doesn’t take you up on it because it isn’t always about you, it’s often about the other person. Just my thoughts. I’ve appreciated when friends have provided an open dialogue without pressure. |
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seesaw
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jesyka, seesaw
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
Posts: 1,316
4 272 hugs
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#14
Quote:
She has told me some really horrible things like how she was almost murdered by a psycho ex boyfriend. And how one ex husband turned out to be an abusive pedophile who went to jail. I think that she likes to deal with most things on her own, idk. I’m reluctant to say anything as she’ll shun my help. I just know it. And what if I’m wrong too? It’s odd to how she goes to the bathroom a lot, but it could be a part of her autoimmune disease too. |
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
Posts: 1,316
4 272 hugs
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#15
Quote:
I’ll ask her about her new weekend hours in person ne t time & see what she says or doesn’t say. If she remains vague, then she’s probably lying, I’ll just drop it then. I’ll still be hurt & offended though as I’ll onow that she lied to me. The funny thing is that she said both her husband & her are very busy. I don’t socialize her husar all. And neither does my husband anymore. I wonder if her husband is making her see less of me for whatever reason. He likes me husband & he doesn’t have an issue with me, but people are definitely weird at times. |
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Grand Member
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: Michigan
Posts: 857
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#16
Does it matter if she’s lying? I would back off. Honestly, from other threads about “friends” you would be a little overwhelming for me, I work 7 days a week by choice and I wouldn’t be able to be planning anything with a friend. I have work and home responsibilities that don’t allow friend time, maybe she’s the same.
Last edited by FooZe; May 13, 2023 at 06:07 PM.. Reason: Administrative edit to bring within guidelines |
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ArtleyWilkins, rechu, seesaw
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
Posts: 1,316
4 272 hugs
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#17
Quote:
I have had a lot if bad luck in choosing the wrong types of friends & trusting the wrong people to fast sometimes. Don’t blame me for everything. Not everything is my fault. I HAVE been treated badly & by people I thought were friends. I expect to be treated with respect & if that is to ‘overwhelming’ to deal with, then I don’t want to associate with that person anyways. And I’m not trying to make people become people they’re not. I just expect people honest & respectful with me. Would yiu want to be friends with disrespectful & dishonest people? Last edited by DocJohn; May 16, 2023 at 06:11 AM.. Reason: Edited for content |
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Grand Member
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: Michigan
Posts: 857
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#18
Quote:
I would lie to you if you kept asking me to do this, go to that concert, go out to eat, go to this show, etc. I do something with someone else once every 3-4 months. That's it. If someone kept asking me to do something and I said I was busy and they keep asking, then I lie because they're not getting the hint. I don't see it in your profile, but have you ever suspected you may be on the spectrum or does anyone in your family have some level of autism? The social issues and requiring people to be "literal" with you because you aren't getting hints is what makes me ask. I am asking because I truly think this would be something worth investigating and could answer so many questions for you. |
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unaluna
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ArtleyWilkins, Discombobulated, divine1966, unaluna
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
Posts: 1,316
4 272 hugs
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#19
Quote:
So if she actually doesn’t want to go out, doesn’t that contradict what she said? Why can’t people just simply say no, not interested or that they’re not able to go out instead of making the lame ‘I’m busy’ excuse which could or could not be true. Trying to read peoples minds is annoying, even if I’m not on the spectrum. I like people to be upfront & not force me to guess wth they really mean. How do other people guess things correctly? I’m sure that even neurotypical people don’t even get these hard to read hints until it’s done a few times maybe. I have actually told my friend that I might have undiagnosed autism &! that I literally can’t take hints ar times, so I’d appreciate it if she could be direct with me. So it’s on her now to communicate with me in a way that I can understand things. To me, it’s like I’m asking her to please speak English to me as that’s the only language that I understand. Then she starts talking to me in something that I barely understand like Spanish. Does that make sense to you now? lol. I could understand her clearly if she spoke to me in ‘English’ instead of ‘Spanish’, lol. This giving hints thing is so stupid & silly to me. I’ll need to remind her to be clear with me from now on. Maybe she forgot this or worse, being a people pleaser makes it very difficult for her to be straightforward. I wish that there was a book out there on how to translate weird social b.s rules, lol. I’m not that bad, but still, some things can still be sort of confusing to me. I’m not going to invite her out anywhere or send her any jokes even for now. My last joke she’d love went ignored for two days already. Even I can take that hint, lol. |
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Magnate
Member Since Oct 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 2,791
5 7 hugs
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#20
I don’t know that it really matters if she’s lying. Maybe she’s just hoping you’ll take the hint and give her some space. Some people are just not assertive in asking for what they need. You have the opportunity here to be a good friend and use your perceptive observations that she is struggling to help her by just giving her some space. If that’s what she needs, she’ll appreciate your ability to “read” her and maybe down the road when she’s in a better place she’ll be able to initiate some interaction and you’ll know at that point that she’s ready. If she doesn’t do so, then part of what she’s basically “saying” through her actions here is that she’s not interested in the friendship to the extent that you are.
Of course we would like people to be more direct, but for someone who may be in a really difficult personal space, it might just be beyond her an ability at this point. Sometimes we just have to “read the room” and disengage from a situation rather than pushing. |
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Discombobulated, Molinit
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