[jesyka]

I tried to communicate a few things with my people pleaser friend today & she got really upset. I didn’t say anything that was out of line.

I just told her that I felt I was being ignored & I used ‘I’ statements. I told her that when I didn’t get a response to invites that I felt ignored & dismissed. I said that I’d appreciate a yes or no answer.

I did mention that I understood that she’s busy, but that I’d appreciate an answer as soon as possible & not have to wait a long time for an answer as I could invite another friend out if she’s not interested in doing something. She acted dismissive & said that since I don’t work, I don’t understand things, etc.

I also asked her about plans we made to spend the night at this beach town & she ignored me again. I brought that up & told her that I was hurt when I never got a response back. It was her idea, so she was interested in going.

I also mentioned that she used to intiate plans in the past, but that hasn’t happened for a long time.

And that hurt my feelings. Anyways, she texted me back & accused me of ruining her day & accusing me of calling her an awful person which I never did.

She then gaslit me more by saying that she planned to go to that beach town with me & that I have a short term memory. What? I remember that. I just asked her when she’d be available & to book the room.

I didn’t forget, lol. She used the good old ‘I’m busy’ excuse & that none of her other friends are like this & they all understand this but me.

She always uses work or her health as an excuse for everything every time I try to openly communicate with her about things which btw almost never happens because of how she reacts to honesty.

It seems like she hates ‘confrontation’ & is really angry at the fact that I refuse to accept her indirect passive aggressive behavior.

It’s like she is angry that I’m expecting her to respond to me directly & honestly. Idk.

Why is she lashing out at me like this & gaslighting me? All I wanted was to have a mature & honest discussion with her.

She kept accusing me of accusing her of being a bad horrible person. Wth? And that I ruined her day & that I stressed her put, etc. Ugh!

Now I feel like I can never be honest with her again. It seems like maybe she is trying to manipulate me into ‘behaving’ the way she thinks I should behave to make her feel more comfortable with things.

She agreed to call me later, but I feel like she’ll rehash the same gulit inducing crap & them say she has to go in order to manipulate me into never daring to upset her again with the truth.

Now I feel like I’ll need to censor myself around her. She isn’t the person I thought she was.

She just doesn’t want to hear about certain things that bother her. She has blown me off before by saying, I don’t want to deal with any ‘drama’ when I tried to warn her about a toxic mutual friend who was using her.

It’s almost like she wants everything to be sunshine & rainbows on my end all the time now, ugh! I understand that she’s busy & stressed, but to avoid talking about any issue at all isn’t good.

Why is she acting like this? What can I say to her to get her to see that I’m not attacking her? I told her I’m not attacking her but she doesn’t seem to believe that.

[Discombobulated]

I guess this comes down to her perception. She feels attacked, even if you didn’t mean for her to feel that.

If I’ve ever had a situation whereby I’ve inadvertently upset someone or they have me I find it helpful to step back and give space. Then I think carefully about what to say. This depends on the context but I always begin by thanking them for their friendship and honesty and express that I hope we can work through this. I apologise for my contribution to the upset.

This is how I have handled things in the past anyhow- it sounds like your friend is being honest with you here and that could be a good sign, rather than just ghosting you.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

I guess this comes down to her perception. She feels attacked, even if you didn’t mean for her to feel that.

If I’ve ever had a situation whereby I’ve inadvertently upset someone or they have me I find it helpful to step back and give space. Then I think carefully about what to say. This depends on the context but I always begin by thanking them for their friendship and honesty and express that I hope we can work through this. I apologise for my contribution to the upset.

This is how I have handled things in the past anyhow- it sounds like your friend is being honest with you here and that could be a good sign, rather than just ghosting you.

I understand. I don’t think that i can ever be honest with her again. She’ll just probably end up accusing me of ‘attacking’ her again, ugh.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by jesyka

I understand. I don’t think that i can ever be honest with her again. She’ll just probably end up accusing me of ‘attacking’ her again, ugh.

Yes, you can. Only try to choose carefully how you convey your message and choosing the right moments.
Conversations works. Believe me.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

Yes, you can. Only try to choose carefully how you convey your message and choosing the right moments.
Conversations works. Believe me.

Idk about that. I’ll try to talk to her in person from now on & be a lot more careful with everything.

[divine1966]

Well same as you have rights to be upset about what people do or don’t do they have these rights too. She was upset and felt attacked. You often feel all kind of ways about other people and their actions or words. Why is it so unusual or unacceptable that she’s upset.

Honestly work and health are legit reasons not to hang out. Not being passive aggressive

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Well same as you have rights to be upset about what people do or don’t do they have these rights too. She was upset and felt attacked. You often feel all kind of ways about other people and their actions or words. Why is it so unusual or unacceptable that she’s upset.

Honestly work and health are legit reasons not to hang out. Not being passive aggressive

I understand that. The pint is that she accused me of attacking her when all zi was doing was expressing my honest feelings.

I dont think that I can ever be honest with her again.. She’ll just get upset again, ugh. Why can’t some people communicate honestly & not get upset so easily?

[FloatThruThis]

Hi jesyka. Did you have this conversation over text/email? Sometimes it’s better to have these more serious in depth discussions face to face. I know you’ve been having a hard time getting together with her face to face, so I understand why you would bring it up over text/email, but it’s sometimes difficult to discern someone’s tone without talking in person. Sometimes too, people say things over text/email that they might not say to your face. Anyway, I’m no relationship expert, so take what I say with a shaker of salt! Best of luck to you working things through with your friend!

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by FloatThruThis

Hi jesyka. Did you have this conversation over text/email? Sometimes it’s better to have these more serious in depth discussions face to face. I know you’ve been having a hard time getting together with her face to face, so I understand why you would bring it up over text/email, but it’s sometimes difficult to discern someone’s tone without talking in person. Sometimes too, people say things over text/email that they might not say to your face. Anyway, I’m no relationship expert, so take what I say with a shaker of salt! Best of luck to you working things through with your friend!

Yes, it was done over text. It’s been impossible to get together with her these days. It seems like she’s avoiding me.

You’re right about what you said. I had every intention of discussing things with her in person because of that.

[AzulOscuro]

Hello, Jesyka!
What Discombobulated is saying about give a step back or give some space for you both to cool down is a good idea. Nonetheless you might write to her and tell her that you wanted to bring up a topic you were worry about but that you never refer to her as a whole person, only about a characteristic or some stuff between you both.

Do you really think she’s ghosting you? If so, I would try to make appointments with other people. It’s you the one who can know it. We can’t. Because we are not in the situation.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

Hello, Jesyka!
What Discombobulated is saying about give a step back or give some space for you both to cool down is a good idea. Nonetheless you might write to her and tell her that you wanted to bring up a topic you were worry about but that you never refer to her as a whole person, only about a characteristic or some stuff between you both.

Do you really think she’s ghosting you? If so, I would try to make appointments with other people. It’s you the one who can know it. We can’t. Because we are not in the situation.

Idk what’s going on, but she said she was busy the last three times i invited her out. And she itnored my invite to a concert & the plan to go spend the night at this beach town which was her idea.

The last time I daw her was around the 4th of July. Her husband & her took me out to dinner for my birthday.

The only reason why she might be ignoring me is that she got tired of hearing me talk about my issues with my husband & would rather ghost me than have the courage to say that she doesn’t want to hear about things anymore, ugh.

I don’t talk about him excessively, but for her, it might be excessive to talk about him at all now. So I’ll stop. She’d rather talk about her issues & stupid stuff like dumb jokes & farting which she thinks is funny, ugh.

[divine1966]

I think texting is not a good method to confront someone. .

[Bill3]

What can I say to her to get her to see that I’m not attacking her? I told her I’m not attacking her but she doesn’t seem to believe that.

What you think of her--that she gaslights you, that she is passive aggressive, that she manipulates you, that she uses work or health as an excuse for everything--might very well be perceived by her, and considered to be attacks.

none of her other friends are like this & they all understand this but me.

It seems that you and she have different expectations as to what a friendship should be. Why do you want to be friends with her? Her understanding of friendship consistently gets you very upset.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What you think of her--that she gaslights you, that she is passive aggressive, that she manipulates you, that she uses work or health as an excuse for everything--might very well be perceived by her, and considered to be attacks.

I never called her any of thise things in the yext aside frim the gaslighting. I tild her that U mever called her an awful person. She accused me of that numerous times. She was just upset at me for being honest & making stuff up. I didn’t say that though. I simply told her I never called her a horrible person which is the truth.

It seems that you and she have different expectations as to what a friendship should be. Why do you want to be friends with her? Her understanding of friendship consistently gets you very upset.

We do . I expect people to be honest & direct & not b.s me with lame excuses. I want to be treated with respect. I don’t feel as if I’m being respected.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What you think of her--that she gaslights you, that she is passive aggressive, that she manipulates you, that she uses work or health as an excuse for everything--might very well be perceived by her, and considered to be attacks.

I agree with Bill. Just because you did not say to her outright that you were attacking her, and possibly did not think in your mind that you attacked, does not mean that you did not send loud signals of an attack to her.

I also understand how you might feel that her telling you that you "do not understand" because you "do not work" is dismissive of you, and hurtful. So it appears that on both ends there are some hurtful communications going on.

[eskielover]

I just told her that I felt I was being ignored & I used ‘I’ statements. I told her that when I didn’t get a response to invites that I felt ignored & dismissed. I said that I’d appreciate a yes or no answer.

I had a friend who used the 'I' statements in very passive aggressive ways. Just because 'I' statements are used doesn't mean that what you said didn't come across to her as attacking.

It is obvious that neither of you is really compatible to be friends. Why don't you just stick with people who do exactly what you want so you don't have to continually complain about someone.

I would just leave her alone. If she ever wants to talk to you or make plans let her be the one that reaches out to you, otherwise you know exactly where you stand if she never calls you again. Let it go.

You complain about your husband, you complain about her, sounds like you are very practiced at being critical of other people whovdon't do or aren't exactly what yiu want from them. That is a good way to lose many people you might want to have as friends. It is a very negative attitude you seem to have when people aren't exactly what you expect them to be. They have a right to be who they are & if it isn't compatible with what you expect, don't hang around trying to change them. Go on to friends who are what you expect

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by eskielover

I had a friend who used the 'I' statements in very passive aggressive ways. Just because 'I' statements are used doesn't mean that what you said didn't come across to her as attacking.

It is obvious that neither of you is really compatible to be friends. Why don't you just stick with people who do exactly what you want so you don't have to continually complain about someone.

I would just leave her alone. If she ever wants to talk to you or make plans let her be the one that reaches out to you, otherwise you know exactly where you stand if she never calls you again. Let it go.

You complain about your husband, you complain about her, sounds like you are very practiced at being critical of other people whovdon't do or aren't exactly what yiu want from them. That is a good way to lose many people you might want to have as friends. It is a very negative attitude you seem to have when people aren't exactly what you expect them to be. They have a right to be who they are & if it isn't compatible with what you expect, don't hang around trying to change them. Go on to friends who are what you expect

You misunderstood what I wrote. I’m not trying to change anyone. I just expect to be treated with more consideration, respect & like I actually matter to them.

I don’t like it when people act dismissive. Do you? I don’t think it’s to much to expect a yes or no answer & not have to wait forever for a reply for every single invite. It’s frustrating. Would you be OK with that?

I don’t like being ignored or flaked on. Why should I lower my standards?

I really don’t expect that much from people. As I said, I just want to be treated with respect & consideration & for people to actually ask me how I’m doing instead of talking about themselves all the time. It’s so rude & selfish of people to do that. Would you be OK with that? Probably not.

It’s like everyone on here thinks that I should settle for whatever I can get, ugh.

No thanks. I deserve to be treated better than that.

Other people have more unrealistic expectations of ME at times. Example, the friends from my small group have relentlessly harassed the hell out of me to be in group pics for years. I caved to often.

They know that I can’t stand to have my pic taken & that I hate how I look, but do they care? No, they are rude, selfish & only care about themselves! I literally said no 10 times or more a few times!

Then they rarely ask me how I’m doing. Then they make remarks & hints about diet, exercise & weight loss & one lady rudely gave me judgemental up & down looks for years as to say, you need to loose weight w/o saying it. To make matters worse, they all knew I used to ne bullimic, but do they care? No! Rude!

And I’m always expected to cater to their needs like accommodate their preference to meet early in the day or to only go to certain restaurants.

I had to change restaurants for MY own birthday because one lady in the group is a very picky eater. And she refused to attend my birthday dinner as she only wanted to be there for lunch & it also had to be outside as well! I didn’t even complain about anything btw.

I am so sick of people making demands from me but when I expect something reasonable, it’s like I’m the one who’s being unrealistic or expecting them to change. Weird!

So who us trying to change who now? Clearly it’s them. Clearly they are criticizing & judging me & disrespecting boundaries & my needs.

As far as my husband goes, he tried to force me to learn Hebrew to talk to his rude friends who would ignore me Most of them speak good English btw. He tried to force me to buy his mom a birthday gift & try to force me to be her friend. I didn’t force him to be friends with my mom.

He forced me to socialize with his rude friends & family up until 10 years ago. Clearly you are wrong about things.

Btw, my friend understood what I meant when we talked on the phone. We’re meeting later this week. And we’re going to the concert I mentioned.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam

I agree with Bill. Just because you did not say to her outright that you were attacking her, and possibly did not think in your mind that you attacked, does not mean that you did not send loud signals of an attack to her.

I also understand how you might feel that her telling you that you "do not understand" because you "do not work" is dismissive of you, and hurtful. So it appears that on both ends there are some hurtful communications going on.

What about her acusing me of calling her a horrible person? I never said that at all. I wasn’t the one who made those comments. She did about me not understanding things because I’m not working, not me.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

Originally Posted by jesyka

What about her acusing me of calling her a horrible person? I never said that at all. I wasn’t the one who made those comments. She did about me not understanding things because I’m not working, not me.

She perceived the signals you sent as your calling her a horrible person, even though you did not explicitly said so. I suggest tuning in to her perceptions, at least out of curiosity which can inform your future behavior (not necessarily with this woman).

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam

She perceived the signals you sent as your calling her a horrible person, even though you did not explicitly said so. I suggest tuning in to her perceptions, at least out of curiosity which can inform your future behavior (not necessarily with this woman).

What do you mean by that?