Why do I tend to attract controlling manipulative people

Sometimes I tend to attract controlling & manipulative people into my life. And bullies too. Maybe part of the problem is that I ended up trusting some of the wrong people to soon. Why are some people so controlling?

How can I avoid being victimized again by these predators aside from not being as open & vulnerable around people to soon?

I thought that some of these people cared about me, but then I started to question them after awhile. They didn’t respect boundaries for example. They wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Even when I said no many times to them. Example, I ended a so called friendship with a toxic friend group because they wouldn’t stop harassing me for a group picture no matter how many times I said no to them. They knew that I hated having my picture taken.

Other people would gaslight me try to manipulate me by saying that people won’t like me if I don’t do this or that. Example, this controlling manipulative former friend told me that her friends in her game group complained about me not wanting to play these hard strategy games.

I hated those games. I never wanted to play them. She kept whining about things, so I played one game. I hated it do much that I stopped after a few minutes. She then complained that I ruined the game, wth?

I think she lied about everything as no one said anything to me or even appeared to be upset at me. She was obsessed with these games & she was fixated on trying to change my personality too.

She claimed that she was trying to help me ‘fit in’ and that she was trying to help me become more ‘condfident’. Now I see it was a way for her to turn me into someone else. Someone I wasn’t.

She also told me that in order for people to like & accept me, that I’d need to become a butt kissing people pleaser like her as people like people who make them feel good about themselves.

She told me that I’m to honest & that I’m rude for being honest as it hurts people’s feelings. She told me that I need other people but they don’t need me.

She kept interrupting me even when I told her to stop numerous times. She kept repeating herself too after I told her to stop. She told me that it’s a quirk & that I was placing ‘restrictions’ on her by setting boundaries.

And she also told me that none of her other friends had a problem with her repeating herself except for me & thar I’m ‘intolerant’ of other people’s quirks.

She then immediately set HER boundaries by refusing to talk about my personal issues as an obvious punishment for setting my boundaries. Then she expected ME to respect HER boundaries, lol.

Another time this former male friend was always running late & he told me that I was ‘busting his chops’ when I mentioned that.

How can I spot & avoid these controlling manipulators more easily from now on before it’s to late?

They’re not always easy to spot. They were good at convincing me that something was wrong with me & that I either needed their help or that I was overreacting to their rude & disrespectful behavior.

I’d say you need to be more selective. You seem to befriend everyone who shows any interest. Be more selective. Take your time to know people before you get too involved. And no one needs that many friends. Just have a couple. Not everyone needs to be your friend

I used to be less picky before. I’m pickier now. I stopped talking to a lot of women I met after it was obvious that all they cared about was themselves,

I have no more paitience for other people’s nonsense & b.s anymore. I have finally learned my lessons.

How does this make him controlling and manipulative?

@jesyka
I feel what you're getting through. I also struggle with this. I have different experience, but I know.
One of my frineds (I don't know if he is still my freind or not) has even insulted me for helping him after he asked for it. And this didn't happen just once.
The same person together with our former classmates make me feel like third wheel. When I tried talking to them, they said they were sorry, but nothing has changed at all. They have been acting the same way.

This happens to me with more people than I'm writing about. And when people around me decide to leave my life, I never get to know what's going on. Right now, I'm wondering where I could find like-minded people I can meet with irl because when it comes to my interests, there are usually people who are not in my age group.

But to write something positive for you. You definitely are not a wrong person for not being like them, there's nothing wrong with attempting to communicate with them about this. We deserve to find people who would think we are good company without changing our personality.

Sorry to hear that. It’s hard to find good friends.

Quote:

We deserve to find people who would think we are good company without changing our personality.

unless it is our personality that is causing the problem. We cannot just eliminate that possibility when the same thing keeps happening over & over again. We have to look at the common denominator & that is usually ourselves. When something is broke, it needs fixing & sometimes that can be our own personality

Of course, sometimes our personality may be the cause. In my case, I think this is not the case (and that's not only my opinion). That's why I have written so.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jaklevco Of course, sometimes our personality may be the cause. In my case, I think this is not the case (and that's not only my opinion). That's why I have written so.

We have to be careful because IF the number of people causing these issues in our life outnumbers the people whose opinion agrees with us then deeper analysys of the situation is needed.

Even if it is them, there is still the personal issue of why do we allow people like that into our lives & that in itself requires some changes we ourselves need to make.

It’s not always the fault of the person having the bad luck with people. Sometimes some people will abuse, disrespect or take advantage of vulnerable individuals.

And unfortunately a lot of people still look down on & disrespect people with mental health issues.

I even suspect other higher functioning people of looking down on me for not being able to function as well as they can. Some people obviously don’t get how hard the struggle is.

I can tell that some people think that I’m stupid &
naieve & that whatever happened to me is mostly my own fault which is upsetting as that isn’t true.

Bad things happen to good people at times & we can’t always control certain people or situations no matter what.

My only real mistake is that I was to quick to trust some people to quickly at first because I thought they were nice people at first.

I didn’t see the red flags at first. Some of these people were able to hide certain things like controlling or manipulative behavior fairly well under the guise of ‘concern’ or they were good as gaslighting me into convincing me that I was to sensitive’ or ‘wrong’ for speaking up about abuse & inappropriate behaviour.

I provided great examples with former friends. One former friend used group think & how her other friends didn’t have any issue with her behavior. The group who pressured me for pics used peer pressure to bully me for pics.

As for my husband, he’d force me to socialize with his rude friends & family who ignored me & he told me it wasn’t normal to not hug people. I hate hugging people. He told me that I needed to hug people to fit in.

He tried to force me to hug people I didn’t even like as it wasn’t normal to not hug people. He had no respect for my boundaries. I fought him on it. Long story short, I no longer socialize with any of of his friends or family members, lol.

So, was it my fault that they were pushy? No, that was solely on them. My response to them should’ve been a definite no each time, but that’s it.

Never again. Lesson finally learned. Never give in. Give in once to pestering & you show them it works, ugh.

One more thing, I refuse to go put of my way to fit in, so if other people end up not liking me because I won’t hug them or whatever silly thing that is offensive to them that shouldn’t be a big deal, then to hell with them. I hate people sometimes,