Need Help With Boundaries and Not Feeling Guilty

Hi MSF members.

I am working on setting stronger boundaries around my sense of self respect and where I draw the line with people who try to cross my boundaries and who disrespect me.

There have been a few instances lately where I've had to draw the line with people and confront them on their disrespect towards me.

I feel guilty and wrong for doing this, and like I am causing waves with people simply for standing up for my rights to dignity and respect.

I grew up with a narcissistic father, and I think this is partially a result of that upbringing. I grew up taking care of my father's needs first and foremost, and my needs got squashed and neglected. So, I grew up believing that everyone else's needs matter far more than my own, and that I must take care of others at all times before myself, and at my own expense.

I realize how wrong and backwards that is. I have learned that my needs matter just as much, if not more sometimes. I've learned over the years that I have to look out for myself far better, because I've been trampled on, abused, bullied and stepped on too many times.

I've learned that I had weak boundaries, and that meant that I need to strengthen my boundaries. So I am now working on this, but it comes with a price.

Because I've drawn boundaries with a few individuals in my social circle, it's caused conflict. People don't like it when you confront them with their disrespect. And that has resulted in my having to (1) block on person entirely and (2) tell a male and female couple that I need to back away from them and steer clear of them, in particular the female.

This female had recently insulted my passion project that I work on outside of work. She compared me to someone else doing very similar work, by saying "well, you're inspiring, but this woman is REALLY inspiring". I felt like it was a backhanded cutting remark made against my work, so I was deeply insulted.

So, we had a conflict over this comment because I confronted her. But I ended up upsetting her, and I was the one apologizing the next day, trying to smooth things over. Well, she never wrote back to me, so a week later, I reached out to her husband about it. I told him exactly how I felt, I said I didn't appreciate the insult, that she has a sharp tongue, and that I will steer clear from now on.

This particular woman has an edge about her, she can be harsh with her words, and she is very hot and cold whenever I've run into her. She was cold towards me just recently, before she decided to insult me. So, I had had enough of this behavior over the years, and told her husband as much. I told him exactly what I am explaining here now about her.

But it all just feels very weird to me, and now I feel like I'm the bad guy for standing up for myself and for holding people accountable for their behavior.

The person I had to block, I also need to avoid. She had posted publicly about me, complaining about me dating some guy, when I had explicitly stated that if she has an issues with me, to handle it privately. She told me that her need for community support around it trumped my desire for privacy. So I told her that is completely selfish thinking, hurtful towards me, and disrespectful. And I blocked her.

Is it normal to feel guilty and wrong for setting boundaries, when you have never had good boundaries?

How do you set boundaries with people without creating conflict? I feel like conflict is inevitable, but maybe I am going about this all wrong. I really don't know.

I need help with this issue.

Working on boundaries has been a big thing for me, so I can share a little about what I've learned. No guarantees this hits the mark.

Like you, I grew up in a household where others' needs mattered first and my feelings were rarely considered in the mix. It's easy to understand why you want to feel heard and respected.

Here's a key thing though, boundaries are not about making other people understand you or where you are coming from. Boundaries are about knowing yourself and who you are, and living into that despite the thoughtless things others may do around you.

So when that woman insulted you, a good boundary might look like politely telling her she's free to feel that way, but you're proud of the work you're doing. Or you could limit your contact with her more- as an act of natural consequences to her disrespectful and thoughtless comments. Doing that doesn't necessarily have to be stated directly.

Good boundaries aren't something that seeks to change or cause conflict with the other person. Good boundaries aren't confrontational, because WE don't need that. We can respectfully and gently state our hurt or stance and then move on. The goal isn't to change or convince anyone of anything. We wouldn't want others to do that to us, so we shouldn't do it to them.

Actually, when we confront others and try to prove our point, we can actually end up giving away a lot of the power we should be keeping for ourselves

Doctor Les Carter on YouTube does a lot of good videos about boundaries (focusing on narcissism) if you're looking for someone to offer some better advice.

it's not always easy.

That's interesting feedback, thank you! I am appreciative of your input and thoughts. I am of the mindset that if I am upset, and if I feel insulted by someone's comment, that it's better to state that and be upfront.

I think with this particular woman that I spoke of who insulted my work, I felt like it needed to be confronted - her hot and cold behavior, her sharp tongue at times and her harshness. I was sick of it... her insult kind of unleashed all these pent up feelings I had towards her. Perhaps I was out of line, perhaps not... I don't know. But it felt good to get it off my chest, and she did tell me it's not the first time she's heard this from other people.

I think what I am getting at here - I am learning how to exercise far better self care and self love when it comes to dealing with difficult personalities and challenging interpersonal relations.

I am learning my limits and boundaries.

And this one woman? She overstepped my boundaries with her insult of my work. Not only that, but I find her to be very abrasive.

It's not the first time that she's hurt my feelings. So, I let it be known that I was hurt and upset, I set a limit for myself, and told her husband I am going to distance myself. I wished them both well and I wished them both peace. I ended my note with kindness towards both of them.

I may fumble around, but it's a learning and growth opportunity here for me.

I am on my own again and am navigating the tricky waters of social relationships all over again and by myself.

While I was married, I was insulated from all of this for five years with this larger social scene. We would go out and mingle a little bit with this group, but over the years, we became more insulated and stopped socializing as much.

Now that I am divorced and want to forge new friendships, I am out and about on my own, learning who can be a friend and who cannot be a friend of mine. There's many different personalities, and some are toxic. I am learning this.

It's all new for me - being out in this larger social scene alone. It's good though, because I am seeing whom I can trust as a confidante and whom I cannot trust.

People don't like it when you have boundaries, it takes away their power and control. It is necessary to have boundaries. You are doing the best you can; keep doing it, it does get a little easier. xo

I think this is very true! People don't like to be told "no, don't do that, I don't want that or like that".

And thanks so much. I am doing the best that I can.