Weaponized Incompetence

Playing dumb on purpose is the definition of weaponized incompetence. They are not actually incompetent. They are pretending to be. That’s where the “weaponized” part comes in.

I’m editing out where I got impatient, but I don’t understand why I’m being told they’re pretending, as if that’s new information, when I was saying that all along. Of course they are not genuinely incompetent or genuinely misunderstanding. Of course they’re pretending. That’s the point.

I see. I think I got confused because if you knew they are pretending, why would you keep offering explanations. Since they are pretending to be clueless there is no point in explaining anything to them.

I see a difference between those two situations. Based on my experience, people who pretend to not understand are looking for a fight. Those who pretend they can’t do job well, hope you’ll leave them alone and do tasks yourself. Of course i am simplifying here but that’s the pattern I observed

This is really interesting... and so disgusting. I think if you are with someone who does this, it's more than just a quirk or even laziness. It's passive aggressive and malingering. There may be "dark triad" type personality disorders involved. They have likely been doing it since childhood and people ignore the red flags.


Honestly, how anyone reaches adulthood without being able to cook, clean, do laundry and look after themselves is ridiculous and clearly their parents pampered them too much.


My husband is disabled and there are certain things he can't do. But he is competent with laundry, housework and cooking - and I don't have to insist that he does these things - he takes the initiative. This is what a PARTNER in life does.


Also, when I do things he can't (like home repairs or taking the car to the shop) he will willingly accompany or assist me and look things up and won't be off playing video games or doing his own thing. He is willing to spend the time and investigate the problem with me.

Another thing is that when I have worked all day and he's been off that day, he will do housework including cooking AND insist on doing the cleanup after dinner as well (we do have a dishwashing machine). He has a sense of fairness that we should be spending equal amounts of time contributing and if I have just worked an 8-hour day and he hasn't, he will make sure he contributes. I do the same.


It's definitely not limited to one gender, but I think because most traditionally-female tasks like cleaning, cooking, child care and laundry need to be done EVERY DAY, whereas traditionally-male tasks like yard work or home repairs are more occasional, means that it could be more obvious when men are shirking. The traditional division of labour is not fair if both members of a couple are working full-time.


In short it's not okay for someone to use others - but I doubt this is something that can normally be solved by discussion or blame. Maybe marriage counselling if the shirking partner is amenable to it - which I suspect they would usually not be.

Sorry it took so long to get back to this.

At the time, I suppose I didn't realize they were only pretending not to understand. Particularly with my brother, I honestly thought I just wasn't making myself clear. Now I know, that's just exactly what he wanted me to think, so I'd give up trying to express my opinion and get down off my soapbox. If I "can't" explain my position adequately, then maybe I'm full of baloney after all.

He knew perfectly well, all along, the point I was trying to make.

I do believe that pretending not to understand what I mean is a form of weaponized incompetence. It doesn't seem to me that my brother was looking for a fight so much as he was trying to get me to shut up. In either situation, whether pretending not to understand, or pretending not to be good at doing the chore, the goal is to silence the other person.

Let me give an example of my brother pretending not to understand. Before I went no contact with him and blocked him on Facebook, my husband came down with pneumonia right around the same time I had a pretty nasty cold. On Facebook, I used this real-life situation as an analogy. My cold still needed treatment, even though it wasn't as serious as my husband's pneumonia. We were both sick, and both needed to take care of ourselves (and each other). Ignoring my own symptoms and insisting I'm not sick, just because he is sicker, wouldn't have done him any good. Likewise, we shouldn't compare trauma. We need not pretend we haven't suffered, just because we know about somebody who went through something worse.

My exact post:

"Telling people they shouldn't feel traumatized because something worse happened to somebody else is like telling them they shouldn't take medicine for that cold, because somebody else has pneumonia." ----Me

Several friends responded and indicated they got exactly what I meant, but my brother instead tried to steer the conversation in another direction. He wanted to talk about people who only THINK they have pneumonia, until they meet somebody with REAL pneumonia..... Yeah. By the same analogy, he was saying our childhood wasn't abusive because other people had it worse. He just wanted me not to talk about the abuse. That's why he pretended not to get my point.

It makes sense. I was thinking of my dad who likes to pretend he doesn’t understand. He does not do it to make us shut up but rather wants us to get irritated and start arguing with him and then he can get all wired up and get the steam out. It seems like regardless if people do it to cause a fight or shut others up, it’s a manipulation. Frustrating

I think Dr. Berne of "Games People Play" called that one "Uproar." The example he used is a father picking a fight with a teenage daughter. He fears getting too close to her, so he insults her, and she reacts in a way he'll be glad to point out as disrespectful. An argument ensues, which makes her angry and drives her away, and now they're not in danger of getting too close.

Sheer manipulation on his part