[BeaFlower]

Hi all. Hope to find some suggestions about how to deal with this thing.
There is a boy (well, I should say man, we aren't SO young now ) who I met some years ago when I went to uni in another town. I met him why traveling and he asked me out and I said yes, though I wasn't very sure to like him, but I didn't have much experience with boys and I didn't want to be rude or something similar, so I decided to try with a "friendly" date with him, just to know each other better. It didn't go well, also because he was too "pushy" with physical things, let's say...so I took the courage and told him I didn't want other dates. He didn't seem very happy with the outcome of course, but he accepted it and didn't contact me again.
NOW, I'm working in that same town and I happened to meet him again around. He didn't seem to remember me (or maybe yes and he didn't say, don't know...), but however, he still talked to me and then asked if I want to exchange phone numbers to know each other better. "Knowing" him a bit more, now I said that I prefer not to do it at the moment. We left in a friendly way, but with him saying that if we meet again we can take a coffee and know each other better and so on.
So, how could he deal with this? Honestly, I don't desire to hang out with him. Now I'm a little more confident than before (just a bit!) and so I'm not feeling "obliged" to give him my number in order not to offend him...but I still don't want to be "rude" if I can avoid it. If I meet him again, I don't know if it would be better to take that coffee and during that to say that I don't want anything more (so he can't say I didn't "give him the chance"), or if it's better to say I don't have time and to avoid it...what would you suggest?
Also, do you think it's wrong if I say I have a boyfriend in case he asks me, or if I somehow mentions it, though I'm actually single? I know it shouldn't be necessary, I should feel free to refuse him anyway without inventing that I have a boyfriend...but Knowing that he's insistent, maybe this could help. What do you think?
Thanks in advance for your suggestions

[Pflowers]

Absolutely don't go out for coffee with him!

That could encourage him to keep pressing the matter.

A simple, I'm not interested in seeing anyone at the moment is a sufficient response if asked.

If he keeps pushing, he's the one being rude, not you.

That's when you can ask him what part of "No" does he not understand and simply walk away!

[unaluna]

In my experience, sometimes the ONLY answer a man will accept is that you belong to someone else. He respects an unknown man more than he respects the woman he professes to want to love. So do not waste your time trying to change him. Tell him that yes, an unknown man exists! Technically that is not a lie!

[Samicat]

My opinion is that there's no way he forgot about your earlier encounter, and you should be on your guard. It sounds like he may have encountered you at your workplace (?) and if so that can make it hard to tell someone you're not interested. I would simply say "I'm actually seeing someone." If he asks if it's a boyfriend or presses for more detail, simply repeat yourself that you are currently seeing someone and it's fairly new but you are not interested in meeting anyone else at present. Don't apologize. Then maybe change the subject. Good luck

[Molinit]

No coffee. Saying “no thank you” is NOT rude and you do not need to explain why.

[SpaghettiLegs]

No! He's coming to the coffee date with a bouquet of red flags.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. (Maya Angelou).

[BeaFlower]

Thanks for all of your concern and replies

It sounds like he may have encountered you at your workplace (?)

No, actually I met him while walking to work. I don't know if I should be worried that he now knows my workplace, because I arrived there while I was talking with him...but at least I can't meet him while I'm at work.

In my experience, sometimes the ONLY answer a man will accept is that you belong to someone else. He respects an unknown man more than he respects the woman he professes to want to love.

This is what makes me think it's better to "lie", though I don't like it And it feels somehow sad and not fair to need it. But maybe it would be better...
I'm also worried not to sound realistical while telling this thing, since I'm not good at inventing things while I'm under pressure For this reason the first time I met him I said I was single when he asked, though I wasn't interested in I'm, but I wasn't fast enough to invent something else. But maybe some boys could take it as a sign of interest to say that...don't know.

Again, thanks for all your support

[Rive.]

This is really common with women - not interested in a man but not wanting to appear rude. Who care if he thinks that at least 'you gave him a chance'. Are males' egos so fragile?

You are not interested, so that is your cue. You don't owe him (or ANY man) anything. Don't go for coffee and don't waste anymore of your time on him. Move on to what YOU want.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

Originally Posted by SpaghettiLegs

No! He's coming to the coffee date with a bouquet of red flags.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. (Maya Angelou).

This is so funny (but true) about a bouquet of red flags!

[eskielover]

"No thank you" is all that is needed. Let your No be no. No reason is needed & that is not rude.

I hate when people can't take "NO" for an answer because then it pushes me to be rude & I hate that but I stand strong on when I say no I mean no.

[Rose76]

You are giving way too much concern to what might make him feel bad than to what you need to do for you. How you handle this will influence how you handle the next situation where someone wants to gain unwelcome access to you . . . and the one after that and so on. You would be smart to start now making it a habit to not let someone you owe nothing to get the idea that you can be imposed on. You worry about not wanting to seem rude. This guy also has an obligation to not be rude toward you. If he doesn't back off, after you signal your disinterest, then he is the rude one.

Whether you tell a white lie or not is really unimportant. It's important that you understand that you are free to make a fake excuse or simply say no. Either is ok.

I would say that meeting him for coffee just encourages him to want more contact. When you really don't want to do something, it's probably best to just not do it. It can be noble to make a sacrifice and go to trouble doing something to promote another's welfare. This is not that kind of situation.

[Samicat]

I think it's also okay (if someone won't take no for an answer) to say "I'm not attracted to you." Don't offer to be friends. Men will 100% reject women based on physical appearance alone, so it's something they might "get" easier than saying you are not interested in dating right now or something "softer." But I would only say it if they keep persisting.

[BeaFlower]

Thanks for all your replies. I know you all are right, but it's difficult for me sometimes to feel self-confident and say "no" When people insist and maybe I get nervous, it's difficult for me to think fast to an answer.
But yes, if I meet him again, I think I'll have to be "strong"...though it's not very spontaneous for me and it won't be easy.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

let us know how it goes!!

[jesyka]

Please just give him a firm no. Don’t make excuses. So what if you end up coming avross as ‘rude’’. He’s rude for not leaving you alone.

Tbh, you might be giving him mixed messages with your polite behaviour with giving him a chance at one date even though you weren’t interested in him.

Your feelings matter too. A giy like that could possibly stalk you or date rape you.

Say no for your own safety. Block his number. Lie & say that you have a boyfriend or thst you’re engaged.